G'day, A.J. Mahari here
so have you been in a relationship with
somebody with borderline personality are you dating somebody with borderline
personality are you trying to love somebody borderline personality
or maybe you've been in a relationship for quite a while now
insignificant other relationships
you know some people think that the person with bp really loves you
loves them each you know many people think that this person in your life
that you're in a relationship with or were in a relationship with a pp really
loves you well i've talked about this in a lot of
videos on this channel and we'll continue to because guess what
especially untreated and even after some treatment you know
like it depends but not all people ppu the same but
untreated people pp absolutely do not know how to love in
any healthy congruent consistent situationally
appropriate adult manner so this idea
that it's inevitable that a personal bp will split and
devalue you yes in relationships it rather is
not always but a high percentage of the time
but is it because they finally feel your love oh and that's what sends
them into a split a devaluation split
and and they got to get gone because they can't take in the love
not really because they don't feel the love in the first place so
people with bpd are and untreated often and or with some treatment but they're
all different okay but people bpd or a majority or a lot of
people bpd out there when they the splitting
happens because they can't manage anything to do with paradox
or understanding your feelings at the same time
they have feelings usually a lot of feelings that are often overwhelming
them anxiety upon getting closer to to you
in a relationship and then needing to distance
and then feeling like you abandoned them asking you to do to do everything for
them a certain way here's the thing you think they love you
they don't know how to love in any healthy adult consistent congruent way
as i just said what does that really mean well people
have bpd especially untreated but it takes
significant treatment whatever that means i don't know anymore
um before things can change for them and to what degree and everybody's
individual bpd but what it means is that
they don't
it's like you love them it's like you're too nice to them
so they confuse love with need because one thing people at
bpd are likely aware of but not always
consciously aware of this 100 percent is how much they need
because they hurt so much right and they do
and so they confuse what they need and how they are seeking identity
through you which is they're not doing that
knowingly or on purpose they confuse that
love with need so they need need and they think somehow there's love
in that for you there isn't any not healthy
not consistent and of course there's some
variation on that but i'm talking about the majority of people with bpd
especially untreated so this idea that they split you to devalue and or ghosts
you or when they have to have the relationship
end um all relationships that people start with most people with bpd
are going to be on a trajectory to rupture from the very beginning
that's something people can't know going into these relationships right
so but it's not that they get to this point of feeling your love
and then they have to evacuate because they don't take it in
they don't know how to give it
and and like i've said you know it's the object other relating
but the other point too is this idea that it's inevitable
and people don't know this going into these relationships right
but if you get into a relationship with somebody with bpd you know
significant other boyfriend girlfriend whatever the case it's very true that
the relationship is destined to rupture so
i'm not going to say a hundred percent of the time because there are people at
bp that have like had certain amounts of treatment
maybe made a few changes or a lot of changes in different ways or
there are people out there like that with bpd and they still have bpd but
they can do some things better in relating many can't
but some can so i'm not going to say a hundred percent of the time
because of that and the fact that we're talking here
i'm talking here because we're always people are watching the videos
clients i'm working with and what i'm talking about here we're talking about
this high percentage of people with bpd many not
treated maybe some somewhat treated that when you get in the relationship with
them it is destined to rupture because of the repetition compulsions
and because of the adverse childhood response that
bpd is and what happened to them
relationally in their young lives and going forward
so it becomes for people with bpd who might
try really hard confuse need and want and confuse need
with love need and want with love uh they want
love they need love they want validation but they don't seem
to be able to give much back and again certain percentage some
people can give some things back but you won't get to mutuality and
reciprocity and you won't get any closure through
all the different episodes trigger dysregulated emotion etc and
when the relationship ruptures however that happens whether
they ghost you or leave or you leave there's no closure to be had
so this is difficult for people so but don't
misunderstand that they actually love you and that it's your love
just getting they're just becoming aware of your love
when they do that final splits of the evaluation and the relationship
ruptures one way or another because no if you think that way and if that's what
you believe a it's not accurate information
and b it's going to increase your feelings of guilt right
guilt that isn't healthy guilt guilt that isn't yours you're going to think
wow if i did this or that better if only it didn't do this
then it would have worked out and that's not the case at all
because there's nothing you can do in the end to help them
and especially when they don't want treatment they don't want help
many think it's everybody else's fault still
right and so there's nothing more that you could do
or could have done and then there's that slippery slope issue of
are you no contact or are you what i'm going to now call
have contact so many people are half contact
whether they're just reading text messages and not responding
to an ex or whether they are doing the reverse hoover the the reverse
stealth hoover of watching somebody's social media um
what they're posting some people can get into people's accounts
because if they don't change their passwords person with bpd has shared
their passwords with you all of that's just going to hurt you in
the long run because that's the element in codependency of you
are extreme people with codependency acts as the people of bp are
externalizing out a need for control and and it is that
sort of you know the love addiction part of codependency
that is real that people have to withdraw
from go no contact and and literally go through withdrawal from in an emotional
sense right and it's really important to know that
without bull no contact especially when there's no children
involved and it's different with that but i've talked about that in a couple
live streams recently point being you need to pull no contact
so you can actually heal because it because so many clients have told me
just endlessly over years and people i'm
working with now too they'll say they're no contact or maybe
they want no contact and then there's contact that says somehow they get back
in contact or people are in this half no contact
place which you know
maybe they initiate contact and the person responds but
and is trying to be friends with the ex with bpd too
all these different different circumstances where people
are with codependency are not accepting that the relationship is over not
accepting that no matter what you've been through
it hurt you way more like like when it was good it was great
but when it was bad it was horrible and you have to concentrate more with
the cognitive dissonance and the emotional dissonance
in your healing after these relationships break up
you have to in order to survive the bpd relationship breakup
it's going to be much healthier for you it's very difficult
very very emotionally painful and you have to let go of the
externalized control of keeping some kind of contact going or
half contact or contact that isn't contacted
is contact somehow because each and every time you have any
contact with an ex with bpd or if it's a family member whoever the
whatever the relationship type it's going to throw you back
it's going to hurt more people just start to make strides of being able to
sleep being ruminating less about the person
bingo here comes the contact you engage it or there's an avenue open
even though you think you're no contact and you're pretty sure you don't want to
talk to him anymore the next thing you know
yeah there's contact and it might not go all the way back to getting together
again but it might end up in this attempted
friendship with excess of bp does not work
um doesn't help you heal so what i want codependents to hear about this the most
is it is this part of codependency
where people are externalizing out their control needs onto the x
person with bpd or the x or the the now friend you know who was the axe with it
but why is it that you can't close the door in the
cases for so many that just can't go full no contact there's still hope there
there's there's what your issues are now driving
why you can't let go why you don't close the door
why you don't help yourself out by taking action it's going to be painful
to get more into the process of a working with someone and i'm out here if
you resonate with me and b stop exposing yourself to the very
same thing the very same person the very same kind
of interactions that you're so devastated shattered and
wounded because of and due to and the nature of
the dynamics as well and so it's really important for people
with codependency to realize that a big part of your healing and recovery
journey and i work with people in this like i said if you resonate with me
and you'd like to work with me is is how to not only accept that the
relationship is over go no contact do that grieving
work through all the cognitive and emotional dissonance
but realize that you've likely had a freeze
response a free freeze codependent response
and lots of people codependency really don't know how to say no
not interpersonally maybe you can say no at work maybe you can say no in your job
or your profession but many people with codependency don't
know how to say no and the first know that you need to
choose for yourself is no contact that's the first no
and then people feel you know responsible they worry about the other
person you're still holding the other person's feelings
ahead of your own and then the back side of this it's more
important for people with codependency to understand
is that you're still externalizing out something that you need to know more
about yourself the control aspect of something because you're
feeling or you might not be consciously aware
you're feeling out of control perhaps over things that happen in the
relationship or the way it ended but also it's multi-layered back to your
childhood where the roots of codependency really are developed
so i help clients amongst many other things in this healing and recovery
journey with with codependency but from these
relationships and their childhood inner child healing
the family of origin work to self-differentiation and more
i help people with codependency to realize
to put the dots together of what's really hurting
aside from the obvious the relationship the missing the person but what's
blocking you from letting go what's blocking you from going no contact
what's blocking you from actually feeling and
and dealing with the pain and and the healing process that you need
is often what you can't internally face for yourself
that goes back to childhood that will mean some processing
of pain so hope that's helpful but people with bpd don't just do the
final split to devaluation because finally they realize that you
love them it's not your fault or your
responsibility this is what people at bpd are
struggling with people who get into relationship
relationships with them can't possibly know this ahead of time
and so it's important that you start thinking about it now
and radical acceptance and i'm talking about buddhist philosophy
not within dbt skills for loved ones radical acceptance
that the relationship is over radical acceptance
of how hurt you are it's a stop sign and the reason that you
can't keep that stop for yourself for many
people yet can't it goes back to your childhood your
family origin a wounded inner child it goes deep
within you and you owe it to yourself you deserve
to get into working with someone if you resonate with me
i'm out here be happy to help you but get
working with somebody who can help you to not only process and start your
healing journey from the relationship but also the
multi-layered thing that's happening there so people
with bpd confuse needs and wants people with bpd i'm not
saying all but you know many and untreated they
confuse need with love and they are seeking identity through you
so don't feel like you're the bad guy in quotes right whether you're
man or woman because you have to leave the relationship
or you ha or or if they ghost you you don't have a choice
you know people with codependency get into these freeze responses
that has to do with feeling all guilty and bad and it's not really yours to
feel um and then people with codependency are
so concerned with what the other person and people in general think about them
and these are the things that you need to start processing
and the thing that is unavoidable there is no closure in these relationships
coming from the other person right the person with bpd or even npd
but you can find closure in your own healing journey but to do that you have
to first make some choices you have to get yourself buddy there
because you know if you're being treated really poorly and badly you're hurting
you can't rescue them you can't help them and you can't fix them
and you probably might not be consciously aware you might know a lot
intellectually from what you're researching watching videos reading
books but you have to get into your emotional
landscape the reality that you need to accept that this is a loss
and it's going to hurt but it's going to be
a fantastic growth opportunity in your life too
so for many people out there with codependency you continue to stay in
some form of contact or reverse hoover or self hoover or
watch the social media because you're externalizing control
toward them that you need to figure out what is
inside of you that feels out of control and how much you're hurting and why and
that you have the autonomy in working in a healing and recovery journey
to change that for yourself it's not going to come from
there's no closure with people bpd but it's not going to come from them anyway
you will be able to find it for yourself in working with someone clients that
work with me will find it that much i can say and so
don't fall for the idea and information out there that it's because a person
with bpd realizes that you really love them
and then boom they're gone because that lays it all back on you
and it's not really the truth of the matter it's not what's really happening
so i hope that was helpful to someone today and if you haven't yet
you know whichever side i'm pointing could be wrong that round
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so going to be a bit of a different format
really relevant topics to this though just without the labels
as much as possible take care