[ROCK MUSIC]
MAC: OK, it's 2:30 on Wednesday, Philadelphia, PA.
Hello, America.
Back here with another installment of "Project--
Badass."
As you can see, the ramp is about 40 feet down, there.
I will now light the pyrotechnics,
which are attached at the arms, and back,
and all over my pants.
Totally and completely badass.
Here we go!
3, 2, 1!
[GROANS OF PAIN]
DENNIS: Oh!
Ooh!
Yeah!
Oh, Jesus!
Now you see what I was going for, right?
How badass is that?
That's pr-- you know what, man?
I actually found that to be pretty goddamn entertaining,
- Yeah, D! - I got to be honest with you.
(IN UNISON) Mack! Mack!
Mack! Mack!
Badass! Badass!
Badass!
All right, coach you're man goes to-- keep it going!
[INTERPOSING VOICES]
Let's do this! Let's do this!
Badass!
[MUFFLED SCREAM]
Now pretend that this dummy is a school shooter.
Right.
I want you to stand back, because I
don't want you to get hurt.
Before he can draw his weapon--
[MARTIAL ARTS GRUNTS]
How awesome was that? - Oh, yeah.
That's-- that's pretty awesome.
But I feel like you would have shot you from a mile away.
No! No, he wouldn't.
Because you saw how I was zigzagging like this,
and making sounds?
It was distracting.
Yeah, but did you ever see "Indiana Jones," where
the guy does the whole sword thing,
then he just shoots him dead?
Are you asking me if I've seen "Indiana Jones?"
Are you just seriously asking me--
I've seen that mo-- that is my-- you're not understanding.
Remember it?
Yes, but if I were to come at you, it's all about how I--
[TOY GUN CLICKS]
OK, in that circumstance, maybe you
got there a little bit faster-- - I got you.
But if I [YELLS] [TOY GUN CLICKS]
OK.
I got you again.
What if I zigzag like this?
[GUN CLICKS RHYTHMICALLY]
Therefore, if somebody comes in I will spring
off the balcony to safety.
No-- no, no, no.
That's a 50-foot drop. - Yes, of course.
And I'm a professional, so I will tuck and roll.
I was just about to do a sweet backflip to save you.
Oh, bullshit!
He's never once flipped!
Remember, stride, stride, stride, stride, execute!
Ah.
OK, I think I see what the problem is, though.
This move is intended for a back flip, and what I need to do
is a front flip.
Now if you needed a back flip, I'd be up that wall
in a second, bro.
- No, you just wouldn't. - Yeah.
You just-- you just would not, because you don't know
how to do a back flip.
Charlie, I do back flips every single day of my life.
No, you don't!
I never you-- do a back flip right now, please!
Can I see one?
Let's see one!
I need to stay focused, and conserve energy, and that's--
You look so awkward.
Bro, when you tack on mass, you sacrifice flexibility.
That's a straight-up fact! - That's insane!
Touch your toes.
What am I, a gymnast?
[CRIES OF SURPRISE AND DISMAY] - Oh, no!
Shit, dude!
If there was an altercation in this bathroom,
I would blast in looking to neutralize.
Yeah.
Now I would check out my environment,
and I would look to see if there's anything that I
could use to my advantage--
like this pool cue.
Here we go.
[WHOOSHING NOISES]
That's a pretty good stance you got there.
Are you trained?
[SCOFFS] Expensive training, yeah.
You?
Yeah.
Krav Maga.
I got more of the Catholic thing going on, you know?
Sort of the hand of God.
All right, this is a great opportunity
to showcase some skills and, like, just put on a clinic.
CHARLIE: I would-- I would rather you didn't.
Well--
CHARLIE: I would rather you didn't.
I think the people are going to want to see that.
[MAKING COMBAT NOISES]
[BOTH MAKING COMBAT NOISES]
[MAKING COMBAT NOISES] Namaste.
Now, you are black belt, correct?
Um-- not technically.
Only because I haven't subscribed to one discipline.
But you are good enough to fight
in a black belt tournament?
Because you're wearing a black belt.
- Of course! - You should, Mac.
You can do it, just go right for the guy's throat.
I know I can do it, that's not the--
I feel like you're talking a lot--
- Uh-huh? - Throughout the day.
[MARTIAL ART CRY]
Block point, Mac.
Shit.
Guys, did you see that?
I got a point!
[PAINED GRUNT]
Charlie, let's go, bud.
Get-- all right, dude.
I'm going to carry you out.
[GRUNTING] Oh, shit!
Oh, my god.
He's so heavy!
He's like grounding himself or something.
Oh, now he's going limp.
No, come on, dude.
That's not fair!
Help me out here, Charlie.
Help me out!
That's it, dude.
That's it, I'm choking you out. - OK.
You're going out, dude.
You're going to sleep!
Good night, dude!
Good night, bitch!
[SIGHS]
Your head of security just choked himself out.
The lighter, please.
What the hell are-- no, no, no, no.
- Thank you, sir. - Let me please reiterate my--
He understands.
Strong opposition to this idea.
I know what I'm doing.
This is really unsafe, dude.
Do not blow that fireball-- whoa!
Wow!
OK, wow.
I take back everything I just said.
That was amazing. - Ah, dude!
Got off me!
[GRUNTING]
[LAUGHTER]
I got that stupid bitch.
Ow, God damn it!
God damn it!
Clocked him.
[STRANGLED CRY]
Oh excuse me, sir.
Have you--
I got your cargo!
Oh, wow!
What the-- Jesus Christ!
Hey, you!
[GROWLS]
[VOICE OVER] There was no time for an ocular pat-down.
Not in my bar, bro.
[VOICE OVER] I secured the area, and I retained order.
Like I always do.
Everybody, chill!
It's cool now.
[CHEERS]