♪♪♪♪
[ Indistinct conversations ]
-If you put your hands up, does it mean to stop
or does it mean to go? -Water.
-Does it mean stop? -Hot water.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Hello, welcome to "Bronx Beat."
I'm Betty. This is Jodi.
-We're back, people. -We're back.
-We're back. -We're back.
[ Cheers and applause ]
You know what, we're back because we can't do this sho
in the summer. There's too much going on.
-No, it's too hot and there's --
-There's only one air conditioner.
-And it goes, "Pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah."
-Yeah. Fwlwlwlwlw!
-School is out. There's kids everywhere during the summer
Everywhere you go, is riddle with kids.
-My house is literally fille with children all summer long,
none of them mine.
All I do is make food for other people's kids.
I'm like a short order cook.
Some weird kid comes up to m and says,
"Mrs. Deitz, can I have some milk?" And I say,
"I don't know, go ask your mother.
I have no idea who you are."
[ Laughter ]
-Baseball, football, soccer ball, hockey ball,
you-name-it ball.
-Pick somebody up here, drop somebody off there.
Rabbits, dogs, weird smells.
My car and my house are like a petting zoo.
-You know what I did?
The minute the school bus picked up my kids,
I put my feet up, I poured myself
a glass of white wine. -Good for you.
-So what if it was 8:30 in the morning?
I'm a grown up. Mind your business.
-Who cares? Have a whole bottle.
I don't care what you do, do whatever you want.
You're a big girl. Go to the movies.
-I'm not going to the movies No way!
Not going to the movies.
Because now, in theaters everywhere,
bed bugs. -Ugh, bed bugs.
-Bed bugs, bed bugs.
-Everywhere. -Bed bugs.
-Bed bugs. -Bed bugs.
-Bed bugs. -The movies.
-Restaurants. -Gross.
-Your house. -Disgusting.
-You know how bed bugs get into your house?
-Why, how? -They ride in on the backs
of mice. -What?!
-Marauding armies of bed bug galloping in on mice.
-I'm gonna be sick.
-So guess what -- You got bed bugs?
Congratulations, you also got mice.
-Disgusting!
Hey, hey, guess what bed bugs?
Do me a favor -- Take a hike
I didn't invite you. Grab your saddles,
jump on your tiny mice, and ride yourselves out of my house
Giddy up, giddy out. -All right. All right.
All right. So, Jodi,
tell everyone what you did this summer.
Tell 'em the big news.
She and her husband renewed their vows.
-Yeah, whatever. -Tell 'em everything.
-Okay, so everybody knows I hate my stupid husband.
-Right.
-So I have a near-death experience.
I'm standing on the commod changing a light
'cause, of course, he won't.
Toilet seat gives way,
and long story short, I saw a light.
Bathed in the light, my dead auntie Joann, I swear.
-Oh, my God. She died? -Yeah. You didn't know that?
-Oh, she was so old. -I come to.
My stupid husband's giving mouth-to-mouth to me.
Next thing you know, we start making out.
Boom! We're renewing our vows.
[ Laughter ]
-There she goes. -What could I do?
-There she goes.
-I love the stupid guy!
Gave me my three kids!
He saved my life!
-You know what? You know wha I wish my husband would renew?
-How? -His commitment to cleaning up
after that stupid bird he bought himself for his birthday.
So dumb. -Hate that thing.
That parrot's gonna outliv the both of us.
-You know what? Those dumb things live 70 years.
-So dumb, those birds. -So dumb.
What kind of pet is that? -Dumb, stupid birds.
Okay, enough. -Yeah.
-All right. Let's get to our first guest
-Oh, God. That's right. We have a guest.
-All right. There's been a lot of hubbub, a lot of hullabaloo
-Hullabaloo is right. -Hullabaloo is right. Hello.
-Hullabaloo. -Hullabaloo.
-Down at the public librar about this girl.
She's 16. She volunteers reading books to kids.
-Oh. That's wonderful. -Yeah.
-And you know what? She used to babysit for me
She is adorable. Let's bring her out here.
Maureen DeCicco! -Here she comes.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Hey, Betty. Hey, Mrs. Deitz
How are you? -Whoa, whoa, whoa.
-How's Joe Jr.? -Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa -Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
-Whoa, whoa, whoa. -Oh, my goodness.
Whoa.
Holy moly, Maureen.
You have really developed over the summer.
-Yeah, developed. Honey, you've exploded.
-Kaboom! Those are some bazooms.
-Like, kapow!
-Kablooey. -Bing, bang, boom.
-Va-va-vooey. -Va-va-vooey, va-va-vooey.
Ba-ba-booey. -Ba-ba-booey.
I hardly knew ye.
Maureen, what the hell happened to your shirt?
-It looks like today's sho is brought to you
by the number 38 and the letter DD.
[ Laughter ]
-Well, I guess I -- I developed over the summer.
-Oh, you guess? Look at Elmo
His head's all stretched out
-It is? -Yeah.
You remember when Jerry Lewi
had to take all those steroids and his head blew up?
That's what Elmo's head look like right now.
-It does. -It does?
-Yeah. -Yeah.
Let me tell you what you need to do, Maureen.
Listen closely. Tell your ma to take you down to Kohl's
and get yourself a good bra. -A good bra?
-Yeah. Okay? -Yeah, okay?
And ask for Paula. -Paula.
-She's a miracle worker. -Unbelievable.
-She doesn't even use a tape measurer.
She just walks around in a circle and eyeballs you.
She's like a oracle.
-What are you, honey, a 32 -32?
-You a 32? -Yeah, you a 32?
-What are you, a 32? What are you, a DD?
-DD? -You're a DD?
2-D? 3-D?
-DD? More like 3-D.
-Tell me about it. I need some glasses.
Need those glasses. -Cowabunga.
-Ai-ai-ai. -Ai-ai-ai.
-Va-va-voom. -Yeah, well, the library
told me to wear some looser-fitting clothing.
It's so embarrassing. -Hey, listen to me.
Never be embarrassed about your body.
-Never. -Never be embarrassed
about your body. -Never.
-It's beautiful. -Beautiful.
-In France, everybody walks around
with no shirt on whatsoever. -Yeah.
-Everyone -- boobies as far as the eye can see.
-It's Boobieville. -La boobies.
And you know what? Good for them.
They know how to do things over there.
-Yeah. -I'm this close to moving
to France, except that I can't speak the language
and I hate the people.
-Also, you know what? Who care if kids are looking at boobs
Boobs feed babies, all right Boobs feed babies.
I turn on "CSI" the other night,
and there's a dead guy with a worm in his eye.
But we can't look at the tops of boobs?
So dumb, America. -So dumb. So dumb. So dumb
You know what? You do your thing at the library.
The kids come for the boobs, they stay for the books,
everybody wins. -That's right.
-Oh, my gosh. You're right
Yeah! Yeah! -No, no, no, honey.
Don't bounce. -Don't bounce.
-No, no, no. You got to cool it, Maureen.
-Cool it, Maureen. -You know what?
-All right. She's beautiful, huh?
I want to ask you some mor questions.
-I want to ask you how your ma is.
How's your ma? -My mom's great.
She loves the spaghetti you brought.
[ Cheers and applause ]
[ Film projector clicking
[ Indistinct conversations ]
-When do we go? -Are we on now?
-When the arm is up, does it mean we're starting?
-When the light goes on. -Oh, this means we're starting
All right, hello. Okay. Hello, hello.
-I can't even tell.
-Whoo! This is "Bronx Beat." -Hello.
-I'm Betty, and she's Jodi -I'm Jodi. Hello.
Welcome to "Bronx beat." -Ugh.
God, why do we do this sho today?
-I don't even know. What is this show?
I honestly have no idea.
You know, when I left the hous this morning,
it was pitch dark outside.
There was nary a person on the street.
-Nobody but nurses and drunks. -Nurses and drunks.
It's so early. -It's so freezing out!
-Ugh! -I'm cold. I'm depressed.
-Oh, I know. -What do you call that,
that seasonal depression? -Wintertime.
-Wintertime. Yes. -You know what? You know wha
I wish I was a bear. So I coul sleep and wake up --
wake up when it's spring. -Just hibernate.
-Hibernate. I want to go into one of those bear comas
You know, wake me when it's over.
-You know, you know, if I hibernated,
if I went into a bear coma
you know what would happen to my husband?
He would starve to death. -Yeah.
Yeah, my husband thinks the microwave is a big clock
-Oh, stupid, stupid. You know, wake me up when it's summer.
You know what? I'm grouchy today.
-You are grouchy. -I'm grouchy.
-You know what? I am grouchy
-You know, we're allowed to be grouchy.
Be grouchy. Be good to yourself, you only live once.
-You're right, you're right. -And the way things are goin
these days, the whole world' gonna blow up.
-Everybody at my house is sick -You know what?
People don't know what to do a my house.
They don't know how to use a Kleenex.
It's disgusting! -So many germs.
You know, I would pay $1 million for someone to come to my hous
and get rid of all the germs
My house is germ city. -What would they use?
How can you get rid of all the germs in your house?
What, gallons of Purell? -Anything.
-It's not going to work. -Oh, I don't know.
It doesn't matter. -You know what I saw on TV
There are bugs that live in your eyelids.
-What? -And you can never get them out.
-Disgusting. -Never.
-That's gross. Jeez, now I got to add tha
to my list of worries. -I know,
your eyelids are the bug's house.
-Gross. -Forever. Garbage.
-What -- Why do you got to tell me that for?
Just bring on the guest. -All right.
We have guests, plural. -Oh, God, there's two of them?
-Here we go. Yeah, two. God, all right, just --
-Just bring them out. -Bring them out, so we can
get this over with. All right, I can't read this
You need to type these names
-I was half-asleep when I- I got here this morning.
I'm sorry, my hand was froze like in a claw position.
-Is this an "S" or a "5?" -Who knows, I wasn't myself.
-All right. Dr. Joseph, oh, you're already here.
-Oh, sneaking up on us. Hello.
-All right, so where are you from?
-We're from the New York Blood Center.
And we're launching our Bronx community blood progra
to help increase the level o blood donations in the Bronx
-Oh, stop saying blood. -Oh, God. It's making me sick.
The word blood. -Yeah, I'm gonna faint.
-I can't even look at a sewing needle.
It's like I'm going to -- No
-Yeah, all these medical shows They make me sick.
I can't even watch "Scrubs." -Ugh! Yuck, Yuck, Yuck.
Go ahead.
-Joe and I will be at the North Central Bronx Hospital
in the nurse's residence Sunday from 12:00 --
-Uh-huh. So how long you been married
Huh?
-Oh, we're not married -- I mean, not to each other.
He's married. -[ Chuckles ]
-Not for long.
Because guess what -- He loves you.
-He loves you. -He loves you.
Look at the way he's smiling at you.
Vava-voom! -Vava-voom!
-Lovebirds. They're in love!
The feeling is mutual. Look. She's got oogily eyes for him.
-Look at the eyes! -Adorable!
-We have a great deal of respect for each other,
but we're strictly coworkers
-Yes. [ Laughs ] Strictly professional.
-Yeah. Sure, sure. -Yeah. Sure, sure.
-Okay. That's what you're going with. All right. Yep
-Whateva. -So, blood drive.
Ugh. Blood drive.
-You know what? Two things I hate. Blood and driving.
-Ugh!
You know what ever word I hate "Hemoglobin."
-Gross.
-It doesn't make any sense It makes me sick.
-Well, we started the progra a few months ago,
and we're very excited --
-Let me ask ya something. You two share an office?
-Well, there are a few of us in the office.
-Oh, close quarters. -Uh-huh. Long hours.
-Yep. Drinks after work?
-You know, the last time I had a romantic drink with my husband
Nineteen Eighty-Neva.
[ Laughter ]
You know where he takes me to eat? Chez Nowhere.
It drives me nuts. I hate him. But you know what? I love him.
-Oh. Here she goes.
-Gave me my two daughters. And my son. He's a good man.
-Very emotional now. God. -I know.
-Alright. Anyway. Blood Drive. Go.
-Blood drive. Go. -Yes, please. Come down.
Donate blood. It's easier than you think
-Hey. Let me pass somethin on to you two.
Love has no color.
[ Laughter ]
-She's right. Color of your skin, doesn't matter.
-I dated a Puerto Rican once -[ Gasps ]
-Met him at a Yankees game He was handing out nuts.
[ Laughter ] Drove my parents bonkers.
-Sexy! I didn't know that! -He was such a good kisser
Oh, he's such a good kisser. Not like my husband. Ugh!
Kissing my husband is like kissing nothing.
-Tell me about it. -It's like kissing a dead fish
I'd rather read a book. I'd rather kiss a book!
-Yeah. -Ugh.
-I bet you two smash your face together any chance you get.
-Yeah. -Let me tell you something
You are gonna open your desk
and there's gonna be a secret Valentine in there.
And guess what. It's from him.
-Bingo, Jodi. He loves you -He's in love with you!
-Lookit! He's loving on you! Go ahead. Kiss her.
-Yeah, no one's watching this show. Just kiss her.
-Kiss her! No one's watching Just go ahead.
-It'll be cute. Just do it -Just kiss each other.
-Come on! -We're pressuring them.
We're pressuring them. -You're right.
-Take your time. Take your time. Love needs time. All right
How do we take a call? How do we do this?
-Uh, I dunno. -Stupid. There's buttons.
-This thing drives me nuts -Hello?
-Ma? I threw up.
-Aww, it's little Frankie. You threw up, baby?
All right. Where are you?
-I threw up on your bedspread.
-Aww, the bedspread is beautiful.
-Sweetie, tell your daddy to get you some flat ginger ale
Where's your father? -He's down in the garage.
-Unbelievable. He's in the garage, making his own beer.
-Ugh! Grow up. So stupid.
-All right. Bye, Frankie. Go get your dumb father.
-Ugh. God.
So, you two are doctors.
So what's Frankie got? The flu -Maybe.
-Yeah. What's little Frankie got? The flu?
-He got chicken flu? -Stomach flu?
-Bird Flu? -Chicken Flu?
-Super Flu? -Mega Flu?
-Mega Flu? Mega mega flu? -Super duper flu?
-Yeah. I'll tell ya.
I'll tell ya what everyone does have.
Bugs in their eyelids. -Ugh!
-Can't get them out. -Freaky.
-Disgusting. It's garbage.
All right, you guys, take care -All right. Yeah.
You love birds take care. Do your thing. Bye-bye!
-Bye-bye!
-We are not in love.
-What? We're not?
[ Audience awws ]
-This weather, it's a mess -I know.
-And your husband with the beer, too. Forget it.
-The whole house smells like a distillery.
-It's disgusting. It's your house.
-It takes like garbage.
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪♪♪
[ Indistinct conversations ]
-Oh, my God. Hello. -Hello.
All right. Welcome to "Bronx Beat."
-I'm Betty. -And I'm Jodi.
You knew that. -Yeah. All right.
So why ain't you drinking your coffee?
-Oh, what, I didn't tell you I go to the doctor yesterday
News flash -- I got IBS, irritable bowel syndrome.
-Ugh! Who doesn't have it?
-No chocolate, no nuts, no cheese...
-No. -...no coffee...
-What? -...no wine...
-What? -...no salt...
-What? -...no pepper...
-What? Nightmare.
What can you eat? What can you have?
-Oh, here's what I can have -- water and nothing.
I can have as many helping of nothing as I want.
It's an all-you-can't-eat buffet.
-You know what? If I had IBS I would kill myself.
-Yeah. -Toodle-oo, sayonara, bye-bye.
-Bye-bye. But you know what? At least the weather's turned.
-Oh, sweater weather. -Sweater weather.
-Sweater weather. Finally, sweater weather.
-Sweater weather. Ohh! -Sweater weather.
-It's about time. -It's about time.
-Sweater weather. -Sweater weather.
-Ohh. -Finally, sweater weather.
-Thank God. Sweater weather. -Sweater weather.
-Oh, boy, all right. Well, we got a guest.
-Every time with the guest. Why?
-I know, but do you know what? The sooner we get the gues
out here, the sooner we ca get the show over with,
and then we can get out of her and we can have a nice glass
of w-- What am I talking, glass of wine?
I got IBS! I can't have any of that. My life is over
-Let me tell you something
You have a glass of wine, your butt's gonna explode.
-True. All right. Well, let's bring out our first guest.
He's a firefighter here in the Bronx,
and he's gonna talk to us about fire safety.
-All right, Jenna. Bring him out. His name is Paul Dooley
Jenna, bring him out. -Paul Dooley. Bring him out.
-Bring him out, Jenna. -Hello, Mr. Dooley.
-Hi. How are you? -Good. How you doin'?
-Handsome. -Handsome.
-Handsome. -Look at you.
-Handsome, handsome. -How you doin'? Thank you.
-Very handsome. Like all firefighters. Am I right?
-I don't know, but thank you for having me on your show
Uh, I just -- Me and some of the guys at 114 Ladder,
we're going around the borough mostly schools,
mostly children,
talking to people about fire-safety preparedness.
-Sure. -All right. You know what?
Hey, hey, did you hear?
Those California fires -- started by man, not nature
-Yeah, yeah. Some jerk woke up got out of bed,
put his pants on, and said, "You know what I'm gonna do today
I'm gonna light a fire and rui a bunch of people's lives.
-You know what I would say to that guy?
I would say, "I'm glad you like fires
'cause you're gonna burn in hell."
-Yeah. -Right, Paul? Right?
-You know, arson's a very serious crime.
Most of your fires, though are started accidentally.
It's why it's so vitally important
to fireproof your home,
especially with the upcoming holiday season.
-Yeah.
You know what holiday I am glad is over?
-Huh? -Halloween.
-Yeah, stupid Halloween. -Ugh.
-I got to buy candy for other people's kids.
-I had a full-grown man come to my door in jeans
and a white hooded sweatshir and said he was a ghost.
-Ugh! -Demanded candy.
-Ugh! Forget about it. Beggars and bums.
-You know what? If you're old enough to buy beer,
you're old enough to buy your own candy.
-Yeah. And get this.
My little one wanted to go trick-or-treating
as a Pussycat Doll, all right?
I said, "No way.
11-year-old girls do not wea shiny underwear."
-No. -"You are going as Nemo,
just like you did the last three years.
-Yeah. Let me tell ya something. You gotta watch that one.
It's gonna be hard to keep her off the pole.
-True.
-So, Paul... what else do we need to know
-Stop, drop, and roll, right
-Well, I mean, basically, every household
should have a plan for how to escape during a fire.
-Hey, Paul, let me ask you There's a fire in your house
What's the one thing you're supposed to grab?
-Yeah. Paul, tell us what to grab.
-Tell us what to grab, Paul. What do we grab?
-What do we grab? You know what I would grab
I would grab my kids and my holiday leather pants
-Nice.
-You know, we normally advis everyone not grab anything
Just get out. -Yeah.
I would also grab my husband but I would also have to gra
the TV set because that'd be the only way to lure him out
'cause he's so dumb!
But I love him! -Oh...
-Gave me my two daughters. -Here we go.
-And my son, all of whom I would also grab!
Oh, my God. The IBS has made me so emotional.
-News flash, Jodi. News flash. You were born emotional.
Go ahead, Paul. What else? What else?
-I was just gonna say, not t put too fine a point on it
a fire breaks out, really al you should grab is yourself.
-Well, that's good 'cause my husband's an exper
at grabbing himself.
[ Laughter ]
-You know what? Firemen are hunky.
-You know why? You know why they're hunky
'Cause they protect you. -Yeah.
You know what I bet you got, Paul?
You know what I bet you got? Killer abs.
-What's that? -You got rippled abs.
-Yeah. Are they rippled, Paul? You got, like, a 6-pack of abs
-You got an 8-pack of abs? -No. What? No.
-You know CPR? You know mouth-to-mouth?
-I'm trained in it, yeah.
-Oh, yeah, yeah. You know mouth-to-abs?
-Yeah.
-You, uh, you know how to make your mouth go south?
-Hey, take it easy. -What? I'm just having fun
No one's watching. No one's watching.
No one's even watching this show.
-Paul. Hey, Paul. You know where there's never gonna be a fire?
My bedroom, 'cause every night
my husband's making love to ESPN.
If I ever have to hear that "SportsCenter" song
one more time, I'm gonna kill myself.
♪♪ Na-na-na, na-na-na ♪♪
Every night! ♪♪ Na-na-na, na-na-na ♪♪
-Let me tell you something. told you what you should go get.
-What am I gonna do, walk into one of those store
and buy one of those things? -Go into the store
and buy one of those things.
You are in charge of your own pleasure.
-Maybe I -- Maybe I should get goin'.
-No. You stay. -No. You stay, Paul.
You know what? We're gonna go.
You're gonna stay and finish the show.
-Yeah, Paul. You know what Just hold up your pamphlet
-Yeah. We're gonna get a glass of wine.
One glass of wine is not gonna kill you, all right?
-We'll have one glass of wine. Maybe we'll go to that store
-Yeah. You're in charge of your own pleasure.
All right, Paul. We're leaving -Nice to meet you, Paul.
Bye-bye. -Okay. Good to see you.
Uh, that -- I guess that's gonna be "Bronx Beat" for today.
Uh, remember fire safety with the upcoming holidays
Shout-out to all the guys at 114 Ladder --
my friend Bernie, Mikey Spratford, Mike Smith,
Bruce George, uh, uh, my wife!
Ha ha! Okay. What's up?
[ Cheers and applause ]