WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT!
TODAY, SPECIAL COUNSEL ROBERT MUELLER TESTIFIED FOR SIX HOURS
IN FRONT OF TWO DIFFERENT CONGRESSIONAL COMMITTEES.
IT WAS A MARATHON.
I KNOW MY NIPPLES WERE BLEEDING.
( LAUGHTER )
WASN'T EVEN FROM ROBERT MUELLER.
IT WAS ABOUT ROBERT MUELLER.
>> ROBERT MUELLER, 74 YEARS OLD, AS WE MENTIONED, FORMER VIETNAM
WAR VETERAN, MARINE.
ALSO KNOWN AS "BOBBY THREE STICKS."
BECAUSE HE IS ROBERT.
MUELLER III.
>> Stephen: BOBBY THREE STICKS?
I HAD NO IDEA.
"NOT FOR NOTHIN', BUT BOBBY THREE STICKS IS KEEPING AN EYE
ON BIG DONNY FISH LIPS, HEAD OF THE TRUMP-BINO CRIME FAMILY.
RUMOR HAS IT DONNY FISH LIPS IS IN CAHOOTS WITH VLADDY
NO-SHIRT."
( LAUGHTER )
JUDICIARY COMMITTEE CHAIR JERRY NADLER GOT THINGS STARTED,
ASKING MUELLER WHY TRUMP REFUSED TO SIT FOR AN INTERVIEW.
>> DID THE PRESIDENT REFUSE A REQUEST TO BE INTERVIEWED BY YOU
AND YOUR TEAM?
>> YES.
>> AND IS IT TRUE YOU TRIED FOR MORE THAN A YEAR TO SECURE AN
INTERVIEW WITH THE PRESIDENT?
>> YES.
>> BUT THE PRESIDENT STILL REFUSED TO SIT FOR ON INTERVIEW
BY YOU AND YOUR TEAM?
>> TRUE.
TRUE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: THERE'S NO NEED TO YELL, SIR.
SO, TRUMP REFUSED TO SIT FOR AN INTERVIEW, BUT MUELLER DIDN'T
MENTION THAT TRUMP HAD AN AIR-TIGHT EXCUSE.
(AS TRUMP) I WOULD'VE LOVED TO SIT FOR AN
INTERVIEW, BUT I CAME DOWN WITH A TRAGIC CASE OF MOUTH SPURS.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
NOW, ONE GOAL--
ONE GOAL FOR THE DEMOCRATS WAS TO GET MUELLER TO MAKE CLEAR
THAT TRUMP'S CLAIM THAT HE WAS EXONERATED WAS NOT TRUE.
>> THE REPORT DID NOT CONCLUDE THAT HE DID NOT COMMIT
OBSTRUCTION OF JUSTICE.
IS THAT CORRECT?
>> THAT IS CORRECT.
>> AND WHAT ABOUT TOTAL EXONERATION?
DID YOU ACTUALLY TOTALLY EXONERATE THE PRESIDENT?
>> NO.
>> CAN YOU EXPLAIN IN PLAIN TERMS WHAT THAT FINDING MEANS SO
THE AMERICAN PEOPLE CAN UNDERSTAND IT?
>> WELL, THE FINDING INDICATES THAT THE PRESIDENT, UH, WAS NOT,
UH-- THAT THE PRESIDENT WAS NOT EXCULPATED FOR THE ACTS THAT HE
ALLEGEDLY COMMITTED.
>> Stephen: COME ON!
CLT ON SNMENTD EXCULPATED?
COME ON!
DID YOU NOT HEAR THE GUY SAY, "SO THE AMERICAN PEOPLE CAN
UNDERSTAND IT!" DID YOUR GRANDDAUGHTER GIVE
YOU A "WORD OF THE DAY" CALENDAR?
COME ON!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
EXCULPATED.
JUST USE AMERICA TALK, BY WHICH I MEAN EMOJIS: ORANGE.
HANDCUFFS.
WE NEED SIMPLE SLOGANS: "NIKE: JUST DO IT.
WHEATIES: BREAKFAST OF CHAMPIONS.
TRUMP: THE WORST A MAN CAN GET."
THEN--
>> Jon: GOTTA LET IT OUT.
>> Stephen: THEN ATTENTION TURNED TO ONE OF THE KEY FIGURES
OF DON JR.'S TRUMP TOWER MEETING WITH
RUSSIANS: KREMLIN CONNECTED LAWYER NATALIA VESELNITSKAYA!
( LAUGHTER )
DIDN'T SEEM TO KNOW THAT.
>> ONE OF THE KEY PLAYERS IN THE JUNE 2016 TRUMP TOWER MEETING
WAS NATALIA VESINETSKA.
VESINETSKIA.
>> Stephen: (AS CONGRESSMAN) NOW, YOU REPORTED THAT THE TRUMP
CAMPAIGN HAD MULTIPLE CONTACTS WITH RUSSIAN LAWYER
NATASHA VESPA MC-SKYNET?
NATA-LIVIN' LA VIDA LOCA?
( LAUGHTER )
LEGOLAS?
AND SHE WORKED FOR VLADAMOID PUDDING POP.
BUT MUELLER HAD HIS OWN PROBLEMS AT THE HEARING-- MOSTLY,
TROUBLE HEARING.
>> COULD YOU REPEAT THAT, PLEASE?
CAN YOU REPEAT THE QUESTION?
CAN YOU READ THE LAST QUESTION?
I'M SORRY.
COULD YOU, AGAIN, REPEAT THE QUESTION?
AGAIN, CAN YOU REPEAT THE QUESTION?
THAT WENT A A LITTLE FAST FOR ME.
>> Stephen: IT'S LIKE CONGRESS IS TALKING TO ITS GRANDPA.
"I'M AFRAID YOU'LL HAVE TO SPEAK UP.
THESE OLD EARS AREN'T WHAT THEY USED TO BE, AND NEITHER IS OUR
SYSTEM OF CHECKS AND BALANCES.
NOW GO FETCH ME SOME PEANUT BRITTLE, AND THERE'S A SHINY
BUFFALO NICKEL IN IT FOR YOU!" YOU WHIPPER-- WHIPPERSNAPPER."
NOW-- OUT OF CHARACTER THAT QUICK.
NOW, ACCORDING TO JUSTICE DEPARTMENT GUIDELINES, YOU CAN'T
INDICT A SITTING PRESIDENT.
NOT ALLOWED TO DO IT.
BUT THAT DOESN'T LAST FOREVER.
>> COULD YOU CHARGE THE PRESIDENT WITH A CRIME AFTER HE
LEFT OFFICE?
>> YES.
>> YOU BELIEVE THAT HE COMMITTED-- YOU COULD CHARGE THE
PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES WITH OBSTRUCTION OF JUSTICE
AFTER HE LEFT OFFICE?
>> YES.
>> Stephen: I THINK, I THINK--
THEY'RE SIMPLE PEOPLE, EASY TO PLEASE.
( CHEERS )
CAMPAIGN SLOGAN: "TRUMP 2020: I'M TOO PRETTY FOR
JAIL!"
REPUBLICANS KEPT HAMMERING MUELLER ABOUT HOW MANY OF HIS
TEAM WERE DEMOCRATS, AND EVENTUALLY, HE HAD HAD ENOUGH.
>> I'VE BEEN IN THIS BUSINESS FOR ALMOST 25 YEARS, AND IN
THOSE 25 YEARS, I HAVE NOT HAD OCCASION ONCE TO ASK SOMEONE
ABOUT THEIR POLITICAL AFFILIATION.
IT IS NOT DONE.
WHAT I CARE ABOUT IS THE CAPABILITY OF THE INDIVIDUAL DO
THE JOB AND DO THE JOB QUICKLY AND SERIOUSLY AND WITH
INTEGRITY.
>> Stephen: CARES ABOUT PEOPLE DOING THEIR JOBS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THERE YOU HAVE IT.
THERE IT IS.
CARES ABOUT PEOPLE DOING THEIR JOBS QUICKLY SERIOUSLY, AND WITH
INTEGRITY.
HE JUST ADMITTED HE'S BIASED AGAINST DONALD TRUMP!
THE DEMOCRATS TALKED A LOT ABOUT TRUMP OBSTRUCTING JUSTICE BY
TRYING TO FIR ROBERT MUELLER MULTIPLE TIMES.
BUT REPUBLICAN DEBBIE LESKO HAD A CLINCHING QUESTION.
>> WERE YOU EVER FIRED, MR. MUELLER?
>> Stephen: A-HA!
WHAT A BRILLIANT LEGAL STRATEGY!
(AS LAWYER) YOUR HONOR, THERE'S BEEN A LOT
OF TALK IN THIS COURTROOM TODAY ABOUT ATTEMPTED MURDER TODAY.
BUT I ASK THE VICTIM, HAVE YOU EVER BEEN MURDERED?
NO?
THE DEFENSE RESTS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
ALL MORNING LONG.
IN FACT, JUST IN THE FIRST HALF OF HIS TESTIMONY, MUELLER
DECLINED OR DEFLECTED QUESTIONS 123 TIMES.
I KNOW THAT'S FRUSTRATING, BUT THAT'S JUST HOW BOBBY THREE
STICKS ROLLS.
( LAUGHTER )
NOTE HE PASSED IN HIGH SCHOOL: