We're back to work.
We were off for two weeks for summer vacation.
We send best wishes to those of you
who are or may be in the path of Hurricane Dorian.
They've ordered evacuations in Florida, Georgia,
North Carolina, South Carolina.
This is a big one.
This is no joke, this hurricane, unless, of course,
you're a part of the graphics team at Fox 5 in New York.
We'll have to wait and see what goes on with that.
But Dorian actually has more of a threat
for the Lesser Antilles over the next couple of days.
Forecast to see winds at around 60, 65 miles per hour.
A high-end tropical storm, perhaps a low-end--
JIMMY KIMMEL: Wow. - --hurricane.
[LAUGHTER]
Weathermen get very excited in these types of situations.
Anyway, it's good to be back.
You know, the most interesting take
on the storm, in my opinion, was not from a meteorologist.
It came from a random guy in Florida--
yes-- who believes that we could put a stop to these storms
if we'd just use the resources we already have.
Can't see how they haven't come up with some kind of way
to combat these storms yet.
They keep saying, two days ago, three days ago, oh, it's
at this, but it's going to hit all
this warm weather, all this warm weather and warm water.
We have a Navy.
Why don't the Navy come and drop ice in the warm water,
so that it can't get going as fast as it's going?
There's got to be ways to combat this instead of just
pointing at the thing and saying, well,
it's-- now it's getting worse.
Yeah, we know it's getting worse.
But you tell us, oh, it's the warm weather, oh, it's
the wind.
Well, we have an Air Force.
Drive some Air Force planes around to get the winds going
the opposite way, the Navy to go in circles
to fight the other way.
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]
That's the thing.
Sometimes the-- answer is right there in front of our face
waiting for a man in a crazy Hawaiian shirt
to alert us to it.
Trump just named him director of FEMA, by the way.
The president has been tweeting up a storm
about this storm, which he believes to be
the bigliest he's ever seen.
It's possibly the biggest I have--
I'm not sure.
I'm not sure that I've ever even heard of a Category 5.
I knew it existed.
And I've seen some Category 4s.
You don't even see them that much.
But the Category 5 is something that I don't know
that I've never even heard the term,
other than I know it's there.
OK, so he's never heard of a Category 5 hurricane
before, except for, well--
well, this was four months ago back in May.
I've just come from a stop at Tyndall Air Force Base,
where I saw the devastating effects
of that Category 5 hurricane.
Category 5.
I never heard about Category 5s before.
Category 5 is big stuff.
He'd never heard of it then, and he
said he'd never heard of a Category 5
about 10 different times when Maria hit Puerto Rico.
This is the fourth Category 5 since he's been president.
He has the memory and skin tone of a goldfish, this man.
But while this storm was a-brewin', the president
was a-golfin'.
He played round of golf at his club in Virginia on Saturday,
and another one yesterday.
But his press secretary defended the decision.
She said the president received hourly updates while he
was on the course golfing.
She says that like it sounds like a good thing.
You know, all this nonsense--
I noticed this while I was gone--
really sinks in when you're away from it for a while.
Since we left for vacation, the president
canceled the trip to Poland to monitor Dorian from his golf
course in Virginia, tweeted 514 times, tried to buy Greenland
and threw a fit when they wouldn't sell it,
suggested firing a nuclear missile at a hurricane,
announced he would be suing people who worked
for him for violating confidentiality agreements,
attacked Grace from "Will & Grace," Debra Messing,
predicted Sean Spicer will do great on "Dancing
with the Stars," congratulated Poland on the anniversary
of the Nazi invasion, fired his longtime assistant,
who reportedly got drunk and told journalists that Trump
doesn't like to be photographed with his daughter
Tiffany, because he believes her to be overweight,
and wished a happy birthday to Regis, which that I don't mind.
Happy birthday, Regis.
But this thing with Tiffany--
[APPLAUSE]
Oh, no, let's--
don't encourage him.
After the story about Tiffany broke, Trump, who, again, fired
his longtime assistant for this, Trump
was in the unique position of having to convince reporters
that even though he fired the woman for saying he didn't want
his daughter around, he had to tell
them he never said he didn't want his daughter around.
Here he is responding to the question,
have you spoken to Tiffany?
We have a call in.
She's going to be calling me back
as soon as I get to Camp David.
REPORTER: What are you going to tell her?
I'm going to say it's just absolutely false.
She's a wonderful person.
She's studied so hard.
She's a great student.
And she's just a great--
she's a great person.
So I look forward to talking to her.
I'll be talking to her as soon as I get--
and I love Tiffany.
Tiffany is a great person.
Thank you very much.
Poor Tiffany.
Her father shows more affection for Kim Jong-un than he does--
meanwhile, the vice president, Mike Pence, and his family
are in Ireland on official government business.
Just when you thought Ireland couldn't get any whiter,
in come the Pences.
And while they're in Ireland, they're
staying at the president's golf resort--
he has a golf resort in Doonbeg--
even though Doonbeg is 181 miles from Dublin,
which is where Pence is having his meetings.
Trump apparently suggested Pence stay at his hotel
while he's there.
And Pence said, woof, woof, which is his way of saying,
yes, I will.
And while some took exception to the vice president's choice
of hotel and the fact that the US government is paying
for rooms at a Trump-owned hotel,
Mike Pence had no comprehensible thoughts on that subject
at all.
REPORTER: Just to give you a chance to respond,
Democrats have criticized you today for staying at the Trump
property in Doonbeg.
They say you're enriching the president.
What's your response to that criticism?
It's wonderful to be back in Ireland for many reasons.
Ireland is so important to the United States of America
as a trading partner.
But in so many ways, for more than 30 million Americans,
Ireland is family.
And I'm one of them.
He's like a broken Teddy Ruxpin doll.
Do you think Mike Pence would eat
dog food if Trump told him to?
I bet he would.
But the vice president's visit to Doonbeg is historic.
It is the first time a Trump property has ever
stayed at a Trump property.
And so--
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]
That's not the only item of interest.
The White House deputy press secretary tweeted
about this trip last night.
This is good.
This is a real tweet from a senior official on the White
House communications team.
It refers to the fact that, you know,
the prime minister of Ireland is gay.
So this guy wrote, "For all of you who still think our VP is
anti-gay, I point you to his and the second lady's
schedule tomorrow, where they will join Taoiseach Leo
Varadkar and his partner Dr. Matthew Barrett
for lunch in Ireland."
So I guess that settles that.
You had lunch with gay people and didn't throw up.
That's-- if that isn't proof that he's open-minded--
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]
--what's he gotta do?
Pence, by the way, is traveling with his wife and his mother,
which that's got to be confusing, because he
calls his wife "Mother."
So what does he call his mother, "Wife?"
I don't know, "Snookems," perhaps?