(electronic music)
(slow, dramatic rock music)
- Day six.
Somewhere in Mississippi.
This hotel is horrible.
That drawer is just filled with fingernail clippings.
While I was showering, two cockroaches
ferried me the soap.
♪ Ain't there a prayer out there
♪ To save me
- This is the end.
Starting to feel a little bit futile.
♪ Ain't there a prayer out there
♪ To save me
(slow, dramatic rock music)
- But I gotta job to do.
So fuck it.
Roustabout.
(fast heavy metal music)
(splashing)
(fast folk music)
- [Tomato Shorts] Mr. Minnow?
- [Li'l Minnow] Yes, sir.
- You're drawing your map?
- Yes, sir.
- Okay, what we're gonna do.
You're gonna ride down this little waterway here
called the Intercoastal Water Way.
And you're gonna come up here to what they call
the Industrial Lock.
We come out of that lock,
we're gonna be on the Mississippi again.
- That's where we're landing in New Orleans.
- Yes.
- [Li'l Minnow] I drew it to scale.
- [Tomato Shorts] That's a really good picture.
- This is where it guys nuts right in here.
- [Tomato Shorts] Yeah.
- This is just gonna be the hardest stretch right here.
(laughing)
It's been seven straight days of jet skiing,
I'm exhausted.
I'm chaffed.
I'm broken.
My balls are swollen.
(laughing)
We've only raised $20,000 out of $50,000.
I'm starting to feel a little bit like a failure.
But you know what?
Had to make it to New Orleans that night
because I had a show to do with my comedy partner,
Kristen Schaal,
(audience applauding)
and I'm not gonna fuck that up, too.
New Orleans!
I'm coming for ya.
(intense rock music)
- Hey guy, you're going the wrong way.
It's that way, you piece of shit!
(intense rock music)
(jet ski engine roaring)
- Welcome to the Gulf of New Mexico.
New Orleans is a city steeped in culture and history.
Most of these ships out here are mining ships
for novelty items for Bachelorette Parties.
They're mostly penis straws and the beads
they give women for showing their tits.
First think I always do when I get to New Orleans
is I hire one man to kill another man for sport
and then I have an oyster.
Can't wait.
Falling apart infrastructure.
We must be close to New Orleans now.
♪ Everybody's coming to my house.
- Look at where the fuck we are?
We started in Chicago motherfuckers!
Look at this!
Weeds and shit.
This is some New Orleans weeds, man.
We're so close!
I can't wait!
- We're so close!
- Li'l Minnow, what's been your favorite part
of the trip so far?
- The hotels!
♪ Everybody's coming to my house
- Nothing to see here.
♪ Everybody's coming to my house
♪ It's safe in here
(slow folk music)
♪ Alone at night
♪ You are hiding from the storm.
- Here's where we start going from the natural beauty
of the Gulf into the industrial wasteland of New Orleans.
I love New Orleans, but my God,
the Mississippi River, right around New Orleans,
is just filled with the weirdest shit.
♪ All alone
♪ You are right in front
- Holy shit.
(slow folk music)
(boat horn blowing)
Why would they build a bridge like four inches
from the water?
This is fantastic.
(slow folk music)
(boat horn blowing)
(dramatic folk music)
(screaming)
(laughing)
It goes up!
That's ama- whoa!
Thank you big blue!
Let's go!
(upbeat rock music)
We can see it, there it is!
New Orleans, you dirty little bitch, I love you!
(upbeat rock music)
We're here!
New Orleans, the city of dirty dreams!
(laughing)
(upbeat rock music)
We did it!
I jet skiied from Chicago to New Orleans!
(people cheering)
- [Kristen] You did it!
- And there's Kristen!
- You made it!
(crowd cheering)
I'm outta gas!
- You can do it, come on!
You're almost there.
- And then I pull up, and as a prank to me,
the Marine team had rigged it
so that as I'm about 50 feet from the dock,
my engine dies, and I think that I've run out of gas.
(laughing)
What a funny prank!
No!
- Get your butt over here!
- What do you want me to do, I don't have any gas!
- You're not giving up!
- I'm giving up!
- You did not go for seven days slapping your balls
against a seat making you sterile for nothing!
(crowd cheering)
(band playing)
♪ When it's only been a week
♪ But it feels like a year
(slow, dramatic piano music)
♪ I'm coming home
♪ Taking the next train
♪ I'm coming home
♪ Boarding the next plane
♪ I'm coming home
♪ Getting out of this place
♪ I'm coming home
♪ Coming home
♪ So I'm coming home
♪ Taking the next train
♪ I'm coming home
♪ Boarding the next plane
♪ I'm coming home
♪ Knowing you can't keep me away
♪ I'm coming home
♪ Coming home
♪ Sun is up
(crowd cheering)
- [Announcer] Now give it up for Kurt Braunohler!
(audience cheering)
- Hi New Orleans!
(audience cheering)
I just jet skiied from Chicago to right fucking here!
(audience cheering)
Oh, guys, so I jumped in this fucking river,
right here.
(crowd gasping)
Right, yes, I did.
Right out in front of Cafe Du Monde,
I jumped in the river, I towed my jet ski myself
to this landing to get here,
to give a show to you fucking people.
(crowd cheering)
Put your hands together, welcome to the stage,
Kristen Schaal!
(crowd cheering)
- I thought for half a second
that you all were giving Kurt a standing ovation.
And I was like, "I don't know."
(audience laughing)
No, it's beautiful, I can just see it now,
in Africa, you know, years from now,
there's gonna be a dad and his son,
his little son's gonna be petting that goat.
And he's gonna just look down at his son, gonna be like,
"A jackass got you that goat.
(audience laughing)
"A real dipshit."
Thanks, Kurt.
- Fuck yeah!
Are you guys read to be a part of Roustabout?
(crowd cheering)
(upbeat jazz music)
Let's go up to Second Line, come on!
(cheering)
(upbeat jazz music)
So here's the deal.
This show is all about inserting absurdity
in the world and make strangers' lives better.
And we did it, we actually did it.
(slow, dramatic music)
Made it all the way from Chicago to New Orleans.
Had some adventures.
Made some friends.
Lost some friends.
But I still haven't raised $50,000.
And I can't rest until I do.
Yeah!
Woo!
Well, I guess the adventure continues.
Roustabout.
(slow dramatic music)
(intense electronic music)
Goddammit guys, I made it to New Orleans,
but I didn't make it to my goal.
That's okay, because you can still help.
Donate to Heffer right now.
Click on this link, give em some money.
Make the world a better place.
Thanks for watching Roustabout.