♫ Awkward ♪ Some things are, right? Like how to tell your child you're getting
remarried. Maybe I can save you some awkwardness today. The first thing I
would encourage you to do is consider the age, stage of development, background
and specific issues for your child or children. And they might be different
each one of them. If you're not rushing things,
then they probably saw this coming to start with. And it's not going to be a huge
surprise to them. If you're rushing it, then probably we need to have a little
different conversation and talk about something that might work a little
better for you in terms of timing. How you approach this is going to be
extremely important. Don't assume any particular reaction. Your issues are not
their issues. And they're going to have different thoughts and concerns about
this than you might have. You've got a whole different line of thinking going
on in your own head. They might be thinking, "Oh, am I going to have to move?" They
might be thinking, "Do I have to share my room now with somebody else?" They might
be thinking, "Well, don't you love daddy anymore?" Whether daddy is an ex-spouse or
a late spouse, there could be different issues that are going on for
your kids. So, don't assume any particular response. Just let them have whatever
reaction they're going to have. Playing off of what we just discussed, keep it
positive as well. When you don't assume any particular reaction, you're going to
be open to whatever it is that they're going to experience. And it's important
for you not to be apologetic or tentative or to approach it in a way
that triggers them into a defensive kind of a response. Let me give you an example
of what I mean. Sometimes I've seen this in exchanges for example over visitation.
If the child is going to visit the other parent and and mom says, "It's okay, honey.
It's alright. You're going to be just fine." Alright, how you feeling
right now when I'm sharing that with you? Do you see how my approach to that is
just triggering all kinds of reactions? Even in you as an adult. Your kids are
going to be very sensitive to that. So, approach it with some confidence. And
without assuming that they need to be reassured about anything. Just be open. I
would encourage you to have this conversation as a family. Come together
as a group. This might be a family dinner. It might be a specific event that you
set up for that purpose or you can give the news to everybody at the same time.
And then create opportunities for anybody to ask whatever questions they
have. Your kids are going to have different questions depending on what
stage or age they're in. So, create that opportunity but this family event helps
to drive everybody together. I would also encourage you to consider but be careful
with humor. I'm a big fan of humor. I think we need to be laughing and having
a good time and enjoying our experience. Some types of humor are more helpful
than others. So, be careful about what kinds of things you're going to use in
that context. One of the suggestions that came up from one of our viewers was, "Hey,
just gather the kids together. Tell them all they've got about 6
months to live. No, just kidding. I'm just kidding remarried." Or you know, it can be
fun while still being a serious issue. But let's keep it light. Have some fun
with it. I'm going back to my roots now. Your job as a parent is what? It's to
love them no matter what and even if. When changes happen in the family, it
creates a disruption for the kids. Even if it's a positive thing and this is,
right? That still creates some kind of disruption. And so they need to be
reassured. Sometimes often. That you love them no matter what and even if. Kids get
weird thoughts in their mind sometimes. And they think that if this changes
going to happen, it means that other changes are going to happen including, "Maybe
Mom is not going to love me anymore. Maybe dad's going to just go off with his
new family now." They need to know that you love them no matter what and even if.
Continue to reassure them of that and remind yourself of that so that you
don't get caught in the trap of trying to make sure that they're happy about
this, for example. It'll put you in a more powerful position as a parent. This last
tip is a bonus for you and this comes from working with hundreds of blended
families over the years. And families where one parent or the other passed
away, in either circumstance, if the parent remarries, here's a little tool
that you can use with your kids. You might just ask them, "Hey, who picked out
your dad for you?" If you're the mom. Or if you're the dad,
"Hey, who picked out your mom for you?" This is an interesting question because the
kids are going to think about that for a minute and they'll be like, "Well, you did."
"Yes, I did. And did I do a good job?" Now, pause for a minute. Because if you're
coming out of a previous marriage through divorce rather than through the
death of a spouse, you might have to take a look at your own issues around this.
The fact of the matter is you did a good job picking out that other parent. And
this is someone that your child loves and it has attachments to. Typically
speaking. That's something that you can use to your advantage now. Because if you
did such a great job picking out another parent for them before, do you think they
can trust you to do that again? That's kind of a neat little bonus idea that
you can play with a little bit. Check your own heart and mind. Make sure you're
in a good place with that because that's something that I think would really
empower your kids to handle some of the upcoming changes even more gracefully.
There's a lot of different issues to consider. You don't have to do this
alone. We've got a team that we've put together to help you with exactly these
kinds of things. I would encourage you to jump on a call. If you're ready to take
this to another level as a parent, jump on a breakthrough call with one of our
coaches. DrPaulJenkins.com/breakthroughcall. It's going to take
you right to our calendar. You can set up a time for one of our team to talk to
you about parenting.