Ol' orange Julius Caesar here
To a lot of us, he sure seems like something
genuinely new in American politics.
For one thing, he's made our political discourse
far, far nastier.
This is not going to be an election
based on a nice person.
We're tired of the nice people.
You have this clown, Marco Rubio...
He's a pussy. Jeb is a lightweight.
He doesn't sweat 'cause his pores are clogged
from the spray tan that he uses.
Donald, you're a sniveling coward
and leave Heidi the hell alone.
I gotta get this off my chest: Donald Trump is a jerk.
Oh, snap!
Oh, he roasted him!
Yo, is Donald Trump Moses? 'Cause this Bush is on fire!
(audience cheering)
Now, this name calling shocks us, right?
Because we have this idea that the election
is supposed to be be a serious, dignified affair.
Why, the founding fathers, they were titans of etiquette.
Gentlemen intellectuals who resolved their disputes
through reasoned debate
and delicate handshakes, right? Wrong!
These guys were jerkbag politicians
just like the ones we have today.
Case in point: Thomas Jefferson.
Now yeah, sure, he and John Adams,
when they worked together on the Declaration of Independence,
they were very cordial.
But when they ran against each other
in the election of 1800,
the powdered wigs stayed on but the gloves came off.
Jefferson hired a newspaper editor named James Callender
to write the most vile things about Adams in the press.
(audience cheering)
Callender wrote that...
"Adams has a hideous hermaphroditical character
"which has neither the force and firmness of a man,
nor the gentleness and sensibility of a woman!"
Jesus Christ! That is some 1770 shade!
Burn!
(cheering)
And by the way, Jefferson had that written
when he was John Adams's vice president.
That's like if we found out
that Biden was the guy photoshopping
the Hitler mustaches onto the Obama posters.
So I'm sorry, Trump. You didn't invent it.
Thomas Jefferson was the Founding Father
of Talkin' Smack. Okay, but how 'bout this:
Trump bragged about the size of his penis, right?
Remember that?
Look at those hands. Are they small hands?
And he referred to my hands,
"If they're small, something else must be small."
I guarantee you, there's no problem.
I guarantee.
Okay, first of all...
no one with a big penis has ever had to say,
"I guarantee I have a big penis."
Other people spread the news for you.
But this outraged us, right?
We said, "Surely, no serious presidential candidate
has ever done such a thing before!"
Actually, yes they have. Let's talk about
our 36th president, Lyndon B. Johnson.
Yes, his name was very appropriate.
Johnson bragged about the size of his penis constantly.
According to Robert Caro's biography,
he nicknamed it "Jumbo"...
and when a colleague would approach him
in the Capitol bathroom,
"Johnson, finishing, would sometimes
"turn to him with his penis in his hand, shaking it
as if showing off and say..."
Have you ever seen anything as big as this?
Not since yesterday, Mr. President.
Hey, you know what, Lyndon?
Maybe you shouldn't talk about your penis so much
when your chosen nickname
sounds like the name of a Spanish language porn star.
(Spanish guitar music playing)
"El BJ"!
Okay, okay, but Trump still treats people way worse
than that, right? I mean, he bullied his way
to the nomination through insult and humiliation!
First he defeats his opponents, then he dominates them!
I mean, have you seen what he did to poor Chris Christie?
Oh!
Look at how sad he is.
This is like the last shot of an episode of "Mad Men."
("Mad Men" score playing)
Executive Producer, Matthew Weiner.
Chris Christie is the sitting governor of a state!
And Trump treats him like this!
I'm not eating Oreos anymore, you know that.
But, neither is Chris.
You're not eating Oreos anymore.
No more Oreos, for either of us, Chris.
Don't feel bad. For either of us.
Oh, great! Now what's Chris Christie gonna eat
while he's crying, "Why doesn't he like me?"
I'll tell you what,
now he eats Hydrox like a child of divorce.
You get the cheap (bleep) now.
But again, that is still nothing
compared to the way LBJ treated his staff.
He would famously force staffers to conduct meetings with him
while he was taking a dump.
Just listen to Johnson staffer and famous historian
Doris Kearns Goodwin telling her story.
If you were in the bedroom holding back
when he went into the bathroom, he would just call you in
and say, "Come on in! I haven't finished what I'm saying!"
You get sort of used to this.
Oh, God!
I think the worst part is "you get sort of used to this"