(audience clapping)
- Good evening ladies and gentlemen.
I was late getting here.
I kept telling my driver, speed up!
(audience laughing)
I am Diana, Princess of Wales.
You may recognize me as Modern History's Most Famous
Non Harry Potter British Person.
(audience laughing)
Hello, Freddie.
(audience cheering)
Oh Freddie, you cheeky cunt.
(audience laughing)
Oh what?
I mean it in a charming British way,
not the ugly American way.
- Cunt!
- Cunt, cunt, cunt!
- Cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt!
Cunty cunt.
(audience clapping)
- Oh gosh.
Oh Freddie and I,
we were very close,
because what is a rich white woman without a sassy gay BFF?
(audience laughing)
The stress of being a royal was tearing me apart.
I developed an eating disorder,
which I clearly don't have now.
(audience laughing)
But none of that seemed to matter
when I was with you Freddie.
Do you remember that evening we were sitting
around your garden lodge in Kensington sipping champagne
and one of you friends suggested
we all go out on the town at a gay bar?
In those days,
society wasn't as progressive as it is today.
In the UK, homosexuality was a crime until 1967,
and having a good time is still illegal to this very day.
(audience laughing)
So you dressed me in drag to hide my identity
and we were off.
What a sight we were,
me disguised as a man
and you disguised as a man.
(audience laughing)
After one night with you I understand
how you got up in more British guts
than Jack the Ripper.
(audience laughing)
(audience clapping)
And a large gentleman in a leather vest
introduced me to something called poppers.
(audience laughing)
Do you all know about poppers?
I had only heard of the jalapeno kind.
(laughing)
The other kind is a recreational drug
gay men use to loosen their anus'.
(audience laughing)
Oh, it's delightful.
I have a full-time supply.
(laughing)
(audience clapping)
Okay.
After years living in the public eye,
I relished in watching you among your people,
beloved and celebrated,
and you made it look so fun.
I just wanted to shout at you,
get out there and be gay!
Don't neglect the boys!
Work the shaft and cradle the bullocks.
The roof of your mouth
can feel like the back of your throat
and for goodness sake, swallow
and don't be a princess.
(audience laughing)
(audience clapping)
We left the bar after only 20 minutes
to avoid getting caught.
I felt dreadful rushing you.
You had only had time to have sex with 11 men.
(audience laughing)
After your passing,
I became a patron of the National AIDS Trust.
It was a position that allowed me to do important work
in raising awareness about what a good person I am.
(audience laughing)
It's been an honor to be here tonight
to celebrate you, Freddie.
I may have been the people's princess
but you were my queen.
(audience cheering)
When I was with you,
I could be unapologetically myself,
so thank you for being a part of my life,
which ended the same as yours,
entering a tunnel with no protection.
(audience laughing)
Cheers everybody!
(audience cheering)
(upbeat music)