I was at a garage sale over the summer.
They had one of those Rosetta Stone,
learning-how-to-speak- Spanish CDs.
And it was, like, ten bucks.
Like, that's a steal. So I stole it.
I get home, I open up the CD, and they were all scratched.
That's why they were so cheap, you know?
But I think it's good I noticed that because
I was planning on playing while I was asleep
to try to subconsciously learn Spanish.
What if I did that and I was in Mexico, like,
¿Hola, que esta
do-do-do-do-do-do- do-do-do-do-do,
ton-ton-ton-ton, do-duh-duh-duh duh-duh-duh-duh-duh,
do-do-do-do-do-do, ton-ton-ton-ton, amigo"?
Would have been awkward.
I think the saddest part about going out
drinking by yourself is tagging yourself in all the pictures
the next day.
(laughs) Did you guys ever get a Facebook request
from somebody who has a baby for their profile picture?
I'm always, like, "Is this that baby I was hanging out with?
"Is that baby I met last weekend?
How does he know computers?"
My buddies back home are always, like,
"Hey, Vatterott, when are you gonna be famous?
When you gonna be famous?"
I always tell them, "As soon as they find the bodies."
'Cause I murder people, you know.
They're all getting married right now, you know.
When everybody, you know,
when anybody gets married, they always want to tell you
the story of their love, you know?
And I indulge, like,
"You're getting married? When did you know?!
When did you know?!
When did you know?! When did you know?!
When did you know?!
When did you know?! When did you know?!
When did you know?!
When was that moment that he looked at her,
and the moon just hit her just right?
And you just
When did you know? Is it right now?
I got a, I got a wrong...
you ever get a wrong text message from somebody?
You ever answer it?
It's fun, right?
This is a completely wrong number.
Completely wrong number.
This is what this guy says:
"So when we get paid, you get paid.
"So last night. So when do we all get paid?
So you're not gonna pay me?"
I reply, "I pay you...
"but it's Friday night and I gots to spend some
"of this cheese on skirts and eyewear
if I'm gonna look good for Father."
That's how I tell people they have the wrong number, you know?
(laughs) So that should be the end of it, right?
That should be the end of the conver...
He should be, like, "Oh, I must have the wrong number."
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, not this kid.
'Cause he goes, "What, you not pay me?
"Okay, I will just call and tell them the holes
is not done right."
I go, "The holes are fine. (laughs)
"It's the solid matter around the holes
that are all out of whack-a-doodle."
He goes, "I will call them tomorrow and tell them
"the job is not done right. I need to get paid.
So when do I get paid?"
I say, "When the time is right, and it's ladies' night,
and everybody's up for getting down."
I love this guy for, like, a million reasons, you know?
But, like, even if it doesn't occur
to him that he has the wrong number,
where is the part of his brain that's, like,
"Why is my boss talking to me
like he's never talked to me before?" Right?
"Is our boss have our money?
You know our boss--
always looking good for Father."
(laughs)
So, all right...
so I started giving him hints at this point, okay?
He goes, "Okay, I'm asking when I get paid."
I say, "Money is nothing more than numbers, man."
He goes, "I need it to pay my class."
I go, "You need to get your numbers straight
if you're ever gonna get paid."
He goes, "What you mind by that?"
I go, "Mean your own business."
He goes, "What?" (laughs)
I go, "Dude, I'd love you're going to school.
"I love your working to pay for it,
"but if you really want to get somewhere in life,
you got to get your phone numbers and verbs right."
He says, "I what to work for you, but I need
"to get paid so I can pay my bills, too.
"I need money to go to court Tuesday
to fight for my babies."
There's a reason those babies
were taken from this guy, all right?
I go, "Don't tell me about babies.
I used to be a baby!"
Preaching to the cradle.
I go, "Listen, man, I can't be any more blunt.
You're texting the wrong number."
He goes, "Okay, see you in court."
(laughs)