>> Stephen: YOU KNOW, EVERY NIGHT I FOCUS SO MUCH ON THE BIG
ROASTED PIG THAT IS THE NEWS.
BUT SOMETIMES I LIKE TO TAKE THE TRIMMINGS, BOIL THEM DOWN, AND
SET THEM IN ASPIC IN THE SAVORY HEAD CHEESE OF NEWS THAT IS MY
RECURRING SEGMENT: "MEANWHILE."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
ANYTHING.
DIDN'T DO ANYTHING.
MEANWHILE, A FLORIDA CITY COMMISSIONER HAS RESIGNED OVER
FACE-LICKING ALLEGATIONS.
NOW, OLYMPIC, I WILL GIVE YOU THIS: IT IS HARD NOT TO LICK
PEOPLE IN FLORIDA.
THEY DO LOOK LIKE JERKY AFTER A WHILE.
THE ALLEGED LICKER-- FOR THE RECORD, HARDLY KNOW HER-- SERVED
AS CITY COMMISSIONER OF THE TINY TOWN OF MADEIRA BEACH, WHERE SHE
APPARENTLY HAD A "HABIT OF LICKING MEN THAT EITHER SHE WAS
ATTRACTED TO OR THOUGHT SHE HAD AUTHORITY OVER," INCLUDING A
COWORKER WHO SAYS SHE "LICKED HIS NECK AND THE SIDE OF HIS
FACE, SLOWLY WORKING HER WAY UP FROM HIS ADAM'S APPLE."
NOW, TO BE FAIR, THAT IS ONE OF THE STEPS OF DOING A TEQUILA
SHOT IN FLORIDA.
IT GOES SALT, SHOT, GET ELECTED CITY COMMISSIONER, LICK A GUY'S
FACE, PASS OUT ON A SEA-DOO.
( LAUGHTER )
THAT "1 IN 5 PARENTS SAID THEY BELIEVE THAT USING A HOUSEHOLD
SPOON IS OK FOR MEASURING MEDICINES, BUT IT IS NOT," AND
YOU SHOULD "ALWAYS USE THE DOSING DEVICE THAT COMES
WITH THE MEDICATION."
SO, NO MORE SPOONS, OKAY?
LOOKS LIKE IT'S BACK ON THE JOB, YOU GNARLY OL' SHOT GLASS!
I WILL RINSE YOU WHEN I'M DEAD!
MEANWHILE, IF THERE WEREN'T ENOUGH EMBARRASSING STORIES
COMING OUT OF VIRGINIA, A MAN THERE WAS ARRESTED FOR
PROJECTING PORN ONTO HIS GARAGE DOOR.
I GUESS HE THOUGHT IT WAS TOO "ON THE NOSE" TO PROJECT IT ON
THE TOOL SHED.
( LAUGHTER )
NEWS, A COURTHOUSE IN OKLAHOMA WAS EVACUATED AFTER AN ATTORNEY
ARRIVED WITH AN ABUNDANCE OF BED BUGS CRAWLING ON HIM.
THAT-- THAT IS DISGUSTING.
DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO GET RID OF LAWYERS?
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
ONE--
ONE OF THE PEOPLE PRESENT IN THE COURTROOM SAID OF THE LAWYER, "I
DON'T EVEN THINK HE CARED."
OKAY, ARE WE SURE THIS WAS EVEN A MAN?
BECAUSE IT'S STARTING TO SOUND A LOT LIKE CLINT McMULLEN: BED BUG
ATTORNEY!
"YOUR HONOR, I MAY JUST BE TEN BILLION BUGS IN A SUIT, BUT THE
ONLY THING I'M ITCHING FOR...
IS JUSTICE."
( LAUGHTER )
CHILDREN NEWS, A MAN IS SUING HIS PARENTS BECAUSE HE WAS
CONCEIVED WITHOUT HIS CONSEN
AND, THEREFORE, HIS PARENTS SHOULD PAY FOR HIS LIFE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
THE MAN-- THE MAN, SEEN HERE BEING SO DISAPPOINTING,
RAPHAEL SAMUEL, BELIEVES IN AN IDEOLOGY CALLED ANTI-NATALISM,
THAT BELIEVES THAT IT'S MORALLY WRONG FOR PEOPLE TO PROCREATE.
SO, IT'S EITHER A STRONGLY HELD BELIEF OR A REALLY ELABORATE
EXCUSE FOR BEING A VIRGIN.
"I DON'T WANT TO PROCREATE WITH YOU.
I'M AN ANTI-NATALIST.
UNLESS YOU'RE INTO THAT."
I'M EXCITED TO SAY THAT RAPHAEL'S MOM PUBLICLY RESPONDED
TO HER SON'S LAWSUIT, WRITING ON FACEBOOK, "I MUST ADMIRE MY
SON'S TEMERITY TO WANT TO TAKE HIS PARENTS TO COURT
KNOWING BOTH OF US ARE LAWYERS."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
YEAH.
TRUE.
>> Jon: I DON'T KNOW, MAN.
>> Stephen: YEAH.
SOUNDS LIKE RAPHAEL IS IN FOR QUITE A LEGAL BATTLE-- THAT IS,
UNLESS HE HIRES CLINT McMULLEN: BED BUG ATTORNEY!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK