-Do you suffer from depression?
Don't.
-What's that an ad for?
-For not to be sad. Why you be sad?
Don't.
♪♪
-During a trip to the White House last week,
Red Sox slugger David Ortiz was criticized
for taking a selfie with President Obama
using a Samsung phone
because Ortiz has an endorsement deal with Samsung.
Here to comment is Big Papi himself, David Ortiz.
-All right, all right!
[ Laughs ]
Cómo estás, El Jost!
-[ Chuckles ] What's up, Big Papi?
So, how was your trip to the White House?
-Oh, it was good, man.
We have a big lunch.
-You had a big lunch?
-Oh, yeah, we had empanadas,
tostones,
bistec and coco,
shrimp mofongo,
el loco leche,
y chicha loco jamón.
-You had all that at the White House?
-That what I'm sayin', man!
Big Dominican lunch with Big Papi!
Papi.
-Now, Big Papi, I do have to ask.
Did you intentionally take the photo
as a promotion with Samsung?
-I no know it's a problem, man.
It's a problem?
I no know.
I talk to Sam's son, I talk to Sam.
They tell me it's no problem.
-I'm sorry. Sam's son?
-Yeah, it's like commercial that I do.
Sam's son.
You like Sam, you should meet his son.
With Sam's son,
he's the son of Sam.
-No, see, I think it's pronounced Samsung.
-Oh, no, no, no. There's a difference.
-Oh. -I do ads for that, too.
Samsung.
Giant ass phones.
Is that a television or a phone?
Samsung Galaxy.
If it can't fit into my pants, that's a problem.
-Now, Big Papi, can I ask how much money you got from Samsung?
-Oh, they gave me 100,000... -Wow.
-...chickens.
-Wow, okay. Yeah.
-You know what you can make
with 100,000 chickens, Jost?
You can make mofongo.
You can make el loco pollo.
Pollo guisado.
Wasakaka con queso frito.
-So I take it you're really into chickens?
-Oh, claro que sí.
That's why I also do ads for Chick-Fil-A.
Chick-Fil-A.
Come eat at Chick-Fil-A
unless you gay.
I'm sorry, no. Wait.
It's their slogan.
It's no me.
-That's their slogan. -It's their slogan.
It's no me. -That's their slogan. Yeah.
-Dominicano, baby. Yeah. All right.
-Now, do you have any other endorsement deals, Big Papi?
-Oh, yeah, I also do commercial for home security.
Bats for Bats.
You got bats in your house?
Hit them with a bat.
It's bats for bats.
Or how about this one?
Do you suffer from depression?
Don't.
-What's that an ad for?
-For not to be sad. Why you be sad?
Don't.
-Well, I have to say, it seems like President Obama's
pretty upset that you used him for a promotion.
-Oh, no, don't worry. Big Papi make it up to him.
Big Papi send him a big basket of food.
I send him mofongo.
Yucca fritas.
Chimichurris.
And, of course, cerveza from the Dominican Republic,
Presidente.
Presidente, the beer that no presidente has ever drunk.
Big Papi.
Hey, come on, man, let's take a picture real quick, Jost.
-That's a phone?
-Yeah, it's my phone. -That's a giant phone.
-Say, uh, "Big Papi."
-Uh, Big Papi.
-Okay.
Thank you very much. -David Ortiz, everyone!
-Dominicano, baby!
[ Cheers and applause ]
This week, Boston Red Sox slugger David Ortiz
announced that he's retiring from baseball
after next season.
Here to talk about it is Big Papi himself, David Ortiz.
-Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, yeah!
All right!
Ha ha!
Hey, cómo estás, El Jost!
-Welcome back, Big Papi.
So you're retiring from baseball?
-That's right, man.
And we celebrated with a big lunch.
Yeah. Everybody have a lunch.
We have mofongo,
pica pollo,
pescado frito,
mangu con tostone,
y batata fritas.
-I'm sorry, you had all that for lunch?
-That's right.
Big Dominican lunch with Big Papi.
-And now what are you gonna do after you retire?
-Who, me? -Yeah.
-Oh, no, I only retire from the baseball, Jost.
You know, I still sponsorship.
-Like you do sponsorships?
-No, I sponsor ships.
It's like commercial I do.
Ships.
Do you want to get somewhere slow and soaking wet?
How about a ship?
It's like a plane but bad.
With ships. Yeah.
I also do an ad for Dominican seasoning,
a Smidgeon of Pigeon.
Smidgeon of Pigeon.
Do you want to taste a little pigeon?
But you don't want to eat a whole one?
Then put a smidgeon of pigeon.
It's basically oregano.
-Now, I did not realize
that that was a traditional Dominican seasoning.
-Ohh! Yeah, man!
And you know what you can put it on?
-What? -You can put it on mofongo,
mondongo, langosta fritas,
croquetas y bistec,
y yuca es saboyata.
-Now, that's a big meal.
Are you worried about eating this much
after you stop playing sports?
-Oh, no, Colin, because I have the perfect "yim"
to work out at, okay? -"yim"?
-Yeah, it's a good "yim," man.
It's a-called Iguananox.
Do you like working out at the "yim"?
But you wish there was a bunch of lizards in there, too?
Check out Iguananox.
Very few deaths.
And you know I need to stay in shape, Jost,
because I started a new dating website.
-You started a dating website?
-Yeah, bro!
It's-a called Go Outside.
Do you want to meet some people?
Go outside.
And look around, man. Everywhere is people.
-Yeah. -Yeah.
Some people.
It's all about that.
Yeah, that's right.
You can check it out at wuble-u, wuble-u, wuble-u
go outside punto why not
punto have some fun
punto this gonna be great
punto mofongo.
And please use the promo code wasakaka con queso frito.
-David Ortiz, everyone!
For "Weekend Update," I'm Colin Jost.
-I'm Michael Che. Good niiiiight!
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Tomorrow is opening day for Major League Baseball
in what will be the final season for Red Sox slugger David Ortiz.
Here with a preview is Big Papi himself, David Ortiz.
-Oh!
Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo!
Hey, hey, hey!
[ Chuckles ] All right!
Ha ha!
Cómo estás, el Jost!
[ Laughter ]
-Muy bien. ¿Y tu?
-Shut up.
-So, Big Papi, what's your favorite opening day tradition?
-Lunch.
-I'm sorry. Lunch?
-That's right.
Before the big game,
all the players got together in the clubhouse
and we all have a big lunch.
We're gonna have mofongo.
Lechon asado.
Pastelito con bistec.
Refresco de merengue.
Y batata con papa frita.
-I'm sorry. All of that is lunch?
-Yeah, that's right.
Big Dominican lunch with Big Papi.
-Yeah. Okay.
By the way, did you see that President Obama
went to a baseball game in Cuba?
-Yeah, why he go to Cuba and no go to Dominican Republic?
We vote for him every election,
even though it's not our country.
I would have shown Obama all the best places,
like the place where they make mofongo.
Where they make coquito con mayo.
And the place where they make yaniqueque con espagueti.
Plus I can introduce Obama to the Dominican President --
a manatee drinking a pina colada.
And then we all have a big lunch.
-Wait. Hold on. None of that was lunch?
-Big lunch. -Okay.
-So, Big Papi, are you gonna miss baseball after you retire?
-Oh, no, I never really done, el Jost.
I retire, but I still gonna be a spokesman for baseball.
Baseball.
Do you like basketball and football
but they too fun and fast?
Try baseball.
You hit a ball with a stick and then you run a little bit.
With baseball.
-Uh-huh.
-I also do PSA for baseballs, too.
-Baseballs? -Yeah, that's right.
Hey, what is that thing at the base of your balls?
I no know,
but I gonna find out one of these days.
Hey, if you need more advice from Big Papi,
you can always check Welp.
-Welp? -Yeah, Welp.
Welp.
You looking for a good seafood restaurant in Cleveland?
Welp, I can't help you.
I live in Boston, man.
How I know what's happening in Cleveland?
Hey! -[ Laughs ]
-Do -- [ Laughs ]
Do you like SeaWorld?
-Do I like SeaWorld? -Yeah.
-Not really. -I got something better.
-Okay.
-BeeWorld.
It's like SeaWorld, but it's just bees.
Everybody gets stung.
It's a no good place, but come.
-So you're, like, a real entrepreneur now?
-Yeah, bro!
I even got my own dog food.
-You have your own dog food?
-That's right.
Are you tired of your dog going dukey on the carpet?
Feed him Super Chunky Cheesy Bites.
It's big hunks of cheddar cheese.
He no go dukey ever again.
Except maybe once real bad.
-I got to say, I think that Super Chunky Cheesy Bites
is kind of a tough name to say.
-Oh, well, in Dominican Republic,
it's a much simpler name. -Oh, yeah?
-It's-a called
Wasakaka Con Queso Frito.
-Big Papi, everybody!
[ Cheers and applause ]
For "Weekend Update," I'm Colin Jost!
-I'm Michael Che! Good niiight!
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪