- I'm like, "I don't want to go sell these rocks,"
but I knew a crackhead lady,
and she was like, "Uh, I'll do whatever you want me to do
for it," and I ain't want her to do nothing for me.
I ain't even have no hair.
I was like, "You can't do nothing for me yet."
[dark electronic music]
- Welcome to "This Is Not Happening."
I'm Roy Wood Jr.
We all come from somewhere, from someone,
who nurtures us, protects us,
and teaches us.
- Ah!
[silverware clattering]
- Some are better at it than others.
♪ ♪
[girl giggling]
♪ ♪
- Ow!
[cheers and applause]
He is one of the most hilarious and genuine
brothers in this game.
I'm happy to be his friend.
He is DeRay Davis.
[cheers and applause]
♪ ♪
- Got a lot of brothers and sisters.
About--a lot of us.
My dad just--his dick just didn't stop.
But we all live close to each other.
You know, different moms, dads.
We called them "different dads,"
my mom, my sisters, moms, my mom type shit.
So we were sharing things, shoes and everything.
Everybody shared shit.
If you live in a hand-me-down place,
but--except it wasn't even completely done,
where, like, you shared shit that you needed that day.
So I was-- [laughs]
so I had a track meet, right,
and I was like, "Yo," I was running track,
and my mom used to always make excuses
why I didn't have shoes.
She'd be like, "You run faster in your socks."
Which was true; I was, like, aerodynamic.
I was faster in my socks, but you gotta have on shoes,
because you might get stomped with some cleats,
and we ain't had no insurance type shit, right?
So I was like, yo, so one day I ran with my track shoes
I did real good, but my shoes was all fucked up,
because it's my brother's shoes,
and they was real fucked up.
So this girl came up, she was like, "You did so--
you're so good, killed it."
And I was like--I'm, like, 11 years old,
like, "Yeah, I was fast."
And then this kid is like probably 13, 14
walked up, "He ain't even race nobody!"
And I was like, "It was people running."
He go, "He ain't even race nobody with
them wack-ass shoes."
And I was like, "Damn, I just motherfuckin' won.
These some winter shoes, right?
So, like, yo, I'm determined to get my own shoes.
I said, I need to get my own shoes.
I went to my mom; I was like, "Mom, I need to have--
Ma, Ma, can I have-- Ma"--
'Cause that's how you ask in a black house.
You never get it out. 'Cause your mama cut you off.
"You want some shoes? Go get some goddamn shoes!"
And I was like--you mumble it. "I will."
But you don't know how you're gonna get 'em.
So I said, "Okay, I'ma get some shoes."
So my boy said, "How are we gonna get shoes?"
'Cause I ain't have no job to make money.
I used to babysit my little nieces and them,
my--you know, that's ghetto--
my nieces was like close to the same age as me.
But one of my uncles, I babysit for him,
he wouldn't never pay me in money;
he always paid me in crack. Real simple.
I'm not making it up; he wanted me to hustle.
See, "But I'ma give you three rocks.
Go sell these three rocks." I'm like, "Three rocks?"
He's like, "That's $30, my boy."
Like, "Oh, you might be able to get 20 for 'em
if we sell 'em."
I'm like, "I don't want to go sell these rocks,"
but I knew a crackhead lady,
and she was like, "Uh, I'll do whatever you want me to do
for it," and I ain't want her to do nothing for me.
I ain't even have no hair.
I was like, "You can't do nothing for me yet.
It hasn't reached its full potential."
So my boy said, "Well, what we could do"--
Her name was Esse. He said, "What we could do is,
"we could get Esse; Esse could take us to Kmart.
We can just give her a rock," he said,
"'Cause my cousin is working security,
and he said we could steal whatever we want to steal."
And I said, "Man, I don't want to get caught stealing."
I was like, "Just wait your mama go to sleep.
"You know, she got to work early any way.
Wait your mama go to sleep
'cause we was gonna go steal some stuff."
And I said, oh, man, I don't know.
So it's myself, my boy Rock, and Danny.
So we said, "All right, we gonna go steal."
I said, "Let's just take the bus."
Like, "You got some bus money?"
I was like, "We ain't got no bus money.
Well, Esse got to take us." I said, "Fine."
So we paid her a rock. She like,
"I want all of them at once."
I was like, "No, we gotta wait"
'cause a crackhead will pull off.
So we go into Kmart.
And I was like, "Where the shoe section?"
We tried to act like we was supposed to be in there.
We was like, "Where the shoe section at?
[laughs] We here for some shoes."
So--so Danny cousin was like, "Yo, for real,
"you can--you can go on get you some shit,
but just get some fuckin' shoes."
What he didn't tell us, that we--I get my shoes,
I put 'em on.
The fuckin thing in the middle,
so I'm trying to walk out with the little security thing
in the middle of it, right,
but I got a nice little cool walk.
It look like they not even attached.
He's like, "No," he says--
so then he was like, "No, steal whatever you want."
So my boy Rock like, "Man, we really need some shit."
So he's saying big shit like, "We can leave with
a microwave out the back."
I'm like, "Man, we can't no microwave.
Like, let's just get our shoes and get outta here.
I feel real fast already. Right?
So as we leaving, as we're leaving,
security walks up. He says,
"One of y'all stole a Snicker."
Swear to God. I'm standing still with the shoes on.
He like, "One of y'all stole a Snicker."
So he's like, "No, we didn't. No, we didn't."
Rock like, "No, we didn't! We didn't steal no
fuckin' Snickers!" He's cursing.
Fuck, 12 years old, cursing.
Give a fuck!
He starts saying stuff. "I kill everybody!"
We like, "You can't kill nobody."
So he take us to the back. Now I'm nervous.
I'm like, if they wake up my mom,
it's like, you got two choices:
You going to jail or your parents gotta come get you.
So Danny like, "I'ma say Esse my mama."
I'm like, "You can't get the rock outside
in time to make her come in."
So I'm like, "We stuck in there."
He's like, "No, my mama gonna come get me,
but she gonna mess-- she gonna"--
So he calls, he calls his mom.
His mom comes and get him.
He's getting fucked up in there.
When I tell you, she was beating him--
I was like--beating him to the point where I was like
"Don't call my mama."
So I said, "I'm not gonna call my mama."
So I said, "I'm gonna call my dad,"
but I hadn't talked to my dad in forever.
I mean, I had to call my dad's sister
to get my dad's new girlfriend number
to get my dad's number.
So finally Tony answers, which he wanted me to call him,
'cause he didn't me to call him "dad"
in front of his new girlfriends.
So he was like-- [laughs]
That messed up his "game." All right.
So Tony answered, and Tony was like,
"What? What's wrong?" I said, "Come get me."
I was like, "It's Boots." That's my nigga.
I said, "Boots. Come get me." He's like, "Where you at?"
I was like, "They said we're stealing in the Kmart,
but, Dad, I ain't steal nothing."
I was like, "I wasn't stealing nothing."
He's like, "I don't care."
He said, "Why you ain't tell your mama?"
And I said, "Okay, I'ma tell her to come get me,
but I'ma give her your new number."
He was like, "I'm on my way,"
'cause they ain't want her know that number.
So I said--I'm sitting there, right?
So it's just me--
this is when it's just me and Rock sitting there.
My dad came in in the worst fucking robe ever.
His robe is all raggedy.
He got his curl all dried out.
And he going all, "What you doing stealing anyway?
I work for the city." But I don't know that,
'cause you don't pay child support,
so I don't know you work for the city.
I don't know where you work.
He's saying stuff I don't even know.
"I work for the city, I work these hours."
I'm like, "I ain't know none of this till right now."
So I'm sitting there looking at him,
and my dad--my dad goes, "Let's get out of here."
And he walks over to Rock and says,
"Come on." I said, "Nigga,
I'm your son." He tried--
[laughs]
And Rock tried to get up.
I was like, "No, you wait on your daddy
you don't know," right?
But I ended up leaving.
The cool part is, I had the shoes.
So I walked outta there.
And I cut the wire. That's all right.
There you go. All right. And that's the story.
Thank y'all for listening.
[cheers and applause]
- DeRay Davis, everybody.