Heya playa, how badly do you want a girlfriend?
Someone you can hug and kiss.
What about being rich and famous?
Getting people to love you and adore you,
being able to have so much money you can buy whatever you want.
Sometimes when we chase these goals we end up becoming desperate
so I want to walk you through how to avoid that trap altogether.
First off how do you know if you're a desperate person well I think it all comes back to asking
yourself that important question, why do you care about the things that you care about?
Understanding your values is a key part of making sense of what drives you,
what motivates you, and what pushes you to keep doing what
you're doing despite the hardships and challenges that might come your way.
Desperation centers around three key things.
You're focused on proving yourself to others, you're doing it for your own sense of ego or
there's some kind of extrinsic reward or gift you get by accomplishing that task.
In the case of getting a girlfriend, for example,
you might feel the need to prove yourself to other people to show them you're not a loser you
can ask out a girl and actually get a girlfriend or maybe you're driven by your own inflated ego.
You look around and see everyone else dating and think
that's not fair, why can't I have a girlfriend?
And whether it's having a girlfriend or making a lot of money or being super famous
on YouTube or TikTok, you always have to kind of go back to your deeper values.
Why do you care about those things
and if you were to achieve them what can they actually help you accomplish?
"Hey, can you subscribe to me on YouTube? I want to hit a million subscribers."
"Oh uh yeah, I guess so but what's your channel about? What type of videos do you make?"
"Uh I don't know, just random videos but can you
subscribe to me? I need to hit a million subscribers."
"I guess but if I don't even know what your videos are really about
I'm probably not gonna watch him so what's the purpose of having
a million subscribers if people don't care about your content?"
"I don't know but I just want to hit the goal."
This type of desperation is something you also commonly see in black pill communities.
A lot of times it's young guys who are struggling to get a girlfriend,
to find a sense of worth and value just in being themselves
so they kind of spiral into this information to feel like the world is against them.
Nothing is going to work out.
They're doomed, they need to learn how to cope, that's it, it's over for them.
But, when you start to take that approach, it tends to become self-fulfilling.
They surround themselves with people who are also believing those same ideas
and reinforcing it in their own lives.
When you're desperate, it becomes so much easier to grab onto any
type of reason that's going to give you a sense of certainty.
I don't have a girlfriend because I'm short and I'm ugly.
I'm not famous and rich because my friends don't
support what I do and the YouTube algorithm hates me.
And having those thoughts can easily spiral down into depression and anxiety and jealousy and
anger and hate towards others because they may be achieving things that you feel you're not.
So what is the solution?
How do you stop these intrusive thoughts from totally ruining your life?
Well, I think the first part really is to go back to that first question,
why do you care about the things that you care about?
What is it about the experience of having a girlfriend that you so strongly desire?
Are you looking for someone to be physically intimate with?
Are you looking for someone to open up to, have conversations and share fun memories?
Do you want someone to understand you and accept you for who you are
or do you simply just want to have a girlfriend because other people have them?
"Dude it's just the truth. No girl is ever gonna date me. I'm short,
I'm ugly, I'm bald. It's over for me."
"I hear you on that man, it sounds like you're having a lot of trouble
with dating. Are you approaching girls regularly or messaging them
online and when you do message them what do you really say?"
"Well no, I'm not messaging girls. Why would even
bother? They're just gonna flat out reject me. I've already tried
everything there is to try and it's just not gonna work for me so why even bother."
"Oh so if you're not regularly messaging girls, how are you kind of testing out
different things to see what works, or have you just flat out given up?"
"What don't you understand. I've tried everything there is to try.
It doesn't work for me. That's it."
Those desperate feelings of wanting the things that you want is causing you to
attach your sense of worth to what you accomplish.
And this is a totally backward system because at the end of the day
your sense of value and worth doesn't come from external factors, it comes from internal ones.
Learning to love yourself for who you are.
And some people like to just write that off and say okay you're just teaching people how to cope,
well let's really dive into that.
If you have a strong support system.
If you have good friends and family that care about you.
People in your life that are willing to lift you up
and help you recognize that you matter just the way you are,
well then yeah your feelings of desperation are going to be managed just a little bit differently.
Instead, you're going to focus on the inspiration behind what you're doing
and not this feeling of worth tied to your accomplishments.
To be inspired to want to have a girlfriend or to
want to be rich and famous is a totally different approach.
This means recognizing that there's a journey ahead of you.
There are lots of things you have to learn along the way and there are lots
of changes you're probably going to have to make as you adapt and grow.
It also means recognizing that your sense of worth is not tied to your accomplishment,
that you're going to do the best that you can, you're going to try to achieve what you can
but at the end of the day if you just don't get it that's okay.
That doesn't make you lesser than anyone else.
In some senses, we need that delicate balance of inspiration and desperation.
Having just a little bit of desperation might push you to work a little bit harder.
To train a little bit more so that you can challenge yourself beyond your comfort zone.
But if you find yourself no longer asking yourself that deeper question of why and
then you start to cut corners and do anything you can to impress others and grab their attention,
you're heading down the wrong path.
It's time to reevaluate and to ask yourself how you can reshape yourself
to focus on inspiration rather than desperation.
There's a lot to this though and it's not always so black and white as people make it seem but
one major thing I really want you to take away here is that you're special just the way you are.
There's no one else in this world exactly like you and there never will be.
So, cherish your uniqueness.
Cherish what you bring to the table and recognize that you have worth just in being yourself.
On that note, I'll catch you next time.
As always love and peace.