And the award for the worst scene in the entire series goes to... "Thran-daddy tells
Legolas his mother loves him." I've spent an embarrassing amount of time trying to
figure out this scene. First of all, why is Thranduil speaking in riddles?
Legolas: "What is his name?" Thranduil: "He is known in the wild as Strider. His true name you must discover for
yourself." Why can't you just say go find Aragorn? And why even shove yet another
reference to the Fellowship here? Who cares if Legolas and Aragorn met before
the Council of Elrond. It just sounds like they're setting up a sequel that
we'll never get to see. Oh God, please, please don't make another sequel.
Thranduil's not even someone who thinks highly of other species. So why is he
even talking so grandly about the destiny of some man? He just sounds like
he's a quest giver in an RPG. Thranduil: "His true name you must discover for yourself."
And then this... Thranduil: "Your mother loved you." What? Was that the reason Legolas has been so
melancholy this whole series? Why? Why make his story about his dead mom when
there's still so much left unexplored with Tauriel. And why did Thranduil's heart
suddenly grow three sizes anyway? Did it just take Tauriel saying "There is no love in you" to suddenly
transform him into a decent guy? Not buying it! Actually you know what, have a
seat boys and girls, we need to talk about Legolas. I don't understand
why people find Legolas interesting. Like I get that he's cool and it's fun to
watch him shoot arrows, and skateboard, and murder innocent elephants.
But what's his actual character? This is his fifth outing in Middle-earth
and I still don't know Bombadil about him, other than he started as sort of a
racist, and has a few daddy issues, his scenes are the most lifeless bores in
the series. And not just because we know he survives, but because he looks
completely disinterested the entire time and literally has nothing to fight for.
This becomes patently absurd when he's fucking double jumping up falling rocks.
In his battle against this nothing of a villain. It's like the Battle of who can be
less interesting. Especially when the movie treats this with the same weight
as Thorin versus Azog. Thorin has a reason to want to kill Azog.
It's not a particularly deep reason, but at least it's a reason. But Legolas and
Bolg? These guys have literally no history at all. Yet for some bizarre
reason the film cuts away from the climactic Azog battle to show us more of
Bolg's bolg. I mean just look at this. We get a distance shot of Azog standing in the
fog on the frozen plateau. The music gets all quiet to let us know this is gonna
be intense. Thorin approaches him slowly, ready to take his revenge. The music
comes back and a horn is rung like a bell in a boxing match saying "game on."
The music goes dead quiet and all we can hear is the sound of Azog's weapon
dragging across the ice, and the chain swinging through the air.
Finally a scene with tension! You're ready for Thorin to kill this prick, and
then BOOM. Back to Bolg and Legolas. Why? Why movie? Can we just stick with the main
story for two seconds without cutting back to Orlando Bloom's face? Oh...right. I
forgot. Really, when the rumors first broke that Orlando Bloom would have a
cameo in The Hobbit, it was reported he was getting paid 1 million dollars for two
minutes of screen time. If only that turned out true. Instead he is shoved
into every possible scene, even though he has almost no motivation. His two fights
with Bolg alone run almost four minutes. Four whole minutes of just utter
nonsense. All I can say is, thank God Viggo Mortensen had enough of a spine to
say "fuck no." But the one potential benefit of bringing Legolas into the
story is the love triangle involved with Tauriel and Kili. A lot of people were mad
at Jackson for inventing his own character, but I really don't get that.
Middle-earth is kind of a sausage party. There's only three women in LotR, so I
had no problem with them bringing in an original character. She didn't really have
much to do with Kili in Desolation, but I was at least looking forward to what
they were going to do with this plotline before I saw the Battle of the Five
Armies. Then I saw the movie. Yeash. When all is said and done, the
Romance plot is completely useless to the rest of the movie for two reasons.
One, it fails to succeed as a romance. And two, it fails as a tool to explore
Legolas as a character. Failing as a romance: Kili and Tauriel's connection is never given
enough time to develop out of the "she's hot, love at first sight" phase. Their first
scene together is just him thinking she's attractive.
Later, he hits on her with the worst pick-up line ever. Kili: "I could have anything
down my trousers." Ew. Tauriel actress: I was surprised at how teeny weenie dwarves are.
In subsequent scenes, Tauriel is confronted by both Legolas and Thranduil about her
love life. First, Legolas is jealous which makes sense, but
then for some reason, Thranduil is opposed to her being with Legolas. Why?
Shouldn't he be an obstacle to her loving a dwarf? I mean, why invent this
whole "lowly Silvan elf" business? Tauriel: "I did not think you would allow your son to pledge
himself to a lowly Silvan elf." Thranduil: "No, you're right."
Why not have her as Legolas's presumptive fiance, but that she doesn't
really want to marry Legolas. Instead, she desires more freedom. Hence why Kili
being reckless, would be an attractive option for her.
This would invest the audience in Tauriel and Kili getting together while
also making us feel bad for Legolas, who we like. As it is, your gut reaction is, "oh,
okay, then she can just be with Kili, right?" Then we get this scene, which it
turns out is both their first and really their last conversation. First they talk
about Kili's runestone that his mother gave him as a reminder to go home.
Kili: She thinks I'm reckless. Tauriel: Are you? Okay, I guess now she's
receptive to his advances. Then they go on talking about the Stars and the Sun
and the moon and the winds and nature and bunny rabbits and whatever and the
music manipulates you into thinking they're falling in love. Seriously, play
that song over any other scene and it'll feel like they're falling in love.
Bilbo: I do. I want to play I can see.
You are very good. So why don't we, have a game of riddles. Yes, just you and me. Gollum: Yes, just us.
For the rest of this movie and the next one they have no actual screen time together. She saves
him at the end of Desolation, but all they really do is look at each other. She
tells him to lie still, and then he mumbles a bit about how she's beautiful.
Kili: "She walks in starlight in another world." The scene ends before it's even a conversation and then
at the beginning of Battle, the first time they get a chance to talk they're
saying goodbye. And then they don't see each other again until Kili's death. She
spends the entirety of the last movie doing fuck-all with Legolas at gundabad.
And another thing, shouldn't Legolas be at least trying to get back with Tauriel?
Instead, Legolas just kind of looks the other way with this whole thing and
Tauriel keeps dragging him into dangerous situations to help her save the man she
says she actually loves. Legolas: You knew I would come. That's a little heartless, right?
I mean Jackson could have just knocked them both unconscious for two hours of
screen time and had the same result. Okay, so when tauriel finds out she's banished
and no longer needs to follow Legolas, why doesn't she turn to him and say, "Okay
I got a level with you here. You're a really great guy, but I think we should
just be friends. I'm sort of in love with that dwarf, so
how about this. Since you're basically Batman why don't you go to gundabad
alone to see what's up, and I'll go to Erebor to warm the dwarves about the
possible danger (and also mac on Kili a bit). Sound good? Kay bye!" Here's a question.
Why not bring Tauriel along into Erebor? Why not involve her in the main plot of
the story instead of constantly relegating her to the sidelines? That way
she could spend most of the third movie with Kili and we could see what their
relationship dynamic would actually be like if they ended up together. Then we
might actually feel something when he dies at the end. I mean, where in between
all of this mess, is the audience supposed to get on board with this
romance being real. All we've got is "You're hot." "I have a dick." "Stars are pretty." "Florence Nightingale Syndrome."
And then it's "I love you?" You can't just assume I'm invested in these
two getting together when they've been apart for longer than
ever were together. All they do is look at each other. Looking at each other.
Looking at each other. More looking at each other. And then they say cliched
lines like, "you make me feel alive." It just falls completely flat. I mean, until
this point all we know about Kili is that he's a little immature and kind of
a horndog,
and that Tauriel can't be with Legolas, but that she doesn't really want to be.
So, I mean, I guess there is at least some reason for them to be attracted to each other, even though it's just
physical for Kili and just kind of escapism for Tauriel. It is a reason, but
the story doesn't allow that to grow. Honestly, the biggest obstacle to Kili
tell getting together isn't Thranduil or Bolg or Legolas, but the plot. The plot just
keeps barreling forward without them, and completely fucks any chance for the
audience to care about seeing them get together. So the real problem isn't that
an original character is there, it's that she's not there enough. Two, it fails to
explore Legolas as a character. So what's the endgame to bringing all this nonsense
into the story? What's the purpose? Shouldn't the reason be to give us some
kind of insight into what Legolas is like, you know, since he's the one the
audience has known from the previous films? Jackson: "By the time you see the third Hobbit
movie, you'll see that... you'll see reasons for why Legolas is the way he is.
at the beginning of the Fellowship of the Ring." Okay, sounds good.
So since his only real characteristic in the Lord of the Rings is that he
quarrels a bit with Gimli at the beginning, then logically the story should
be about showing why he's racist against dwarves in the first place. But the
problem with that is that the way Legolas is introduced, leaves him no room
to change. He's racist against dwarves right from the start.
Legolas: Goblin-mutant.
There's nowhere left for him to go. Now I get that elves are supposed to hate dwarves by default, but what
about this. How about when they capture the dwarves in the forest instead of Legolas
sneering at them, and making fun of Gloin's wee lad, what if he's the most
accepting of the woodland elves. Like have some of the other elves who are being
real racist assholes, and Legolas tells them to knock it off. Prisoners should be
treated with respect, or whatever. Then over the course of the movie, he loses
the love of his life to a dwarf. Perhaps Tauriel even dies at the end
against Bolg. This would actually give him some kind of motivation to take Bolg down.
And then he can also blame the death of Tauriel on Kili and the dwarves in
general. In this way, his character arc would come full circle. He starts as
someone who isn't racist, develops hatred because of his great personal loss, and
then in the original movies becomes accepting again through one unlikely
friendship. Instead, Legolas just sort of wanders around in The Hobbit, shooting
arrows at whatever the plot requires him to. He decides to leave the woodland
realms at the end, but why? Tauriel had a fling with a dwarf for a
couple of days and now he's gonna wander the wilderness for sixty years? He's just
gonna run away from his problems without once trying to see if he can work it out
with Tauriel? Over the course of two Hobbit movies, Legolas doesn't change at
all, then makes a decision at the end that doesn't make sense to any of the
preceding story, and comes off as so melancholy that he is unrecognizable from
the happier elf seen in Lord of the Rings. As it is, the entire love subplot
is a complete misfire, on both an emotional level, and on a story level. And
given that this is really the only part of the movie where Jackson wasn't
beholden to the source material, that's pretty disappointing. Thanks for watching
everyone. Subscribe to the Just Write channel for more movie rants and so you
don't miss the final part of the Hobbit review. But first, time for a little bonus
stupidity. Thranduil: "Anything moves on that mountain, kill it" Good thing elves
apparently suck at following orders. Literally the next scene is Bilbo
sneaking out of the mountain.