- My full name is Esther Povitsky.
(Esther growls)
And when I first started doing standup, someone asked me
if I was gonna change my name for the stage.
And I said, "No, I thought about it
but I like Povitsky, it's unique."
And then he said, "No, we meant Esther."
And I was like, "Oh right. I forgot,
both my names are ugly."
I don't just sound like a Polish cabbage farmer.
I sound like a very old Polish cabbage farmer.
Whatever, I'm hot
for my name.
I've been struggling a lot with figuring out
where I stand on the attractiveness scale.
And I've realized I'm a seven out of 10 in the Midwest.
I'm like a six on the east coast.
And then here in Southern California, I'm a Cocker spaniel.
A lot of people when they first meet me,
they're like oh my God, Esther.
You're so young.
You're like 12 years old.
I'm like, excuse me, do real 12 year olds have mustaches?
No, they don't.
Okay. I do.
Thank you.
I've been using my father's razor for years.
However, I don't really groom necessarily my whole body.
I have leg hair all over my legs.
I have leg hair all over my chest.
It's just, it's not a big deal to me.
I feel like once we're on a date and we're naked together,
where are you gonna go?
You know?
You've passed the point of no return.
Actually I'm pretty sure you crossed that line
when you bought me a brownie Sunday at Ruby Tuesdays.
You're in it to win it.
(Esther growls)
I hate the word horny.
I really hate that word.
It's creepy.
And it makes you uncomfortable.
It's not hot.
Like if someone asking me, "Are you horny?"
I'd be like, "I was until you said that.
Now I'm scared."
I say something different though.
Instead of horny, I say hot and ready.
Yeah, because it conveys the same message. Right?
And it also makes it sound
like I might be a slice of pizza.
And I do feel that having sex with me
is a little bit like having sex
with a slice of pizza
because I just lie there
and you can blot the grease off with a napkin.
Now I don't wanna just lie there.
I really don't.
Okay. But then we can have sex after dinner.
My stomach hurts.
If you want me to move for you during sex,
it's gotta be at 11:00 AM actually.
At 11:00 AM, I'm so skinny and pretty.
Okay?
My makeup is fresh.
I've digested my breakfast.
I've shit from my coffee.
I can move at 11.
But after dinner I'm gonna lie there
but I'm gonna be confident about it.
And I sell it.
Okay?
I'm just like.
And I talk, you know, I talk to make it good.
I say stuff and I say good stuff.
You know?
Not just like "I'm stressed about work."
I have been told that the things I say in bed sound fake.
And I'm just like, "Yeah, because they're fake."
What?
Did you really think I needed your dick?
No, no, no, no.
My God, no.
I said that 'cause you bought me sushi
and I was being polite.
The guy I'm with he won't let me call him daddy in bed.
It's messed up.
Yeah.
He says it's because he is not a pedophile.
I know.
I don't believe him either.
Absolutely not.
I have the cheeks of a toddler.
I wear a size three in kid shoes.
You have demons.
Let's face them. Okay?
But now I'm insecure because I'm like,
why won't he let me call him daddy in bed?
Like what's the real reason.
And I'm just like, what if it's
because I didn't go to a good enough school
and he's not proud of me?
What if he's legit just like, sorry.
No daughter of mine went to a state school.
Now sometimes when I say that
I wanna say daddy in the bedroom, I can feel judgment.
And I think people's minds go to a bad place about it.
They're like, "Oh, she has daddy issues.
Yeah. She wants to (beep) her dad."
No! Oh my God!
I don't wanna (beep) my dad.
That's disgusting.
He's 75 and he's broke.
I wish I could read.
I really do.
I try to read. I buy books.
I open books and then I black out and I'm on Instagram
and I don't know what happened.
I'm like, "Why does Gone Girl have a chapter
called #summerhairstyles?"
I like Instagram.
I have a lot of friends who don't like it.
They say it makes them feel insecure.
And I'm like, guys just unfollow the hot people.
You'll be fine.
That's what I did.
I wake up, I look at my Instagram feed.
I feel so good about my life.
Who do I follow?
I follow a lizard.
I follow a bakery.
I follow a bird with no hair.
I follow this woman that makes tiny replicas of food
like little eggs and little hash browns and stuff.
And she's never posted a photo of herself
but I know I have to be prettier than her.
I also like Instagram, 'cause I can meet someone new
and then instantly learn all about their life.
Okay. I can see who their friends are.
Where do they like to go out to eat?
Do they have a dog?
What do they wear to the beach?
There is something I don't wanna see in your Instagram.
And that is a paragraph about your mental illness.
I'll see the photos.
I'll put it together myself.
Yeah. Don't hand it to me.
I wanna play Instagram detective at home.
I'm over my ex.
Someone asked that, right?
I heard that.
No, I really heard someone ask.
I'm over him.
But I did watch his wedding ceremony video
on Facebook in full screen mode.
And his wife did block me on Facebook,
but good news.
I did create a second account.
So in a way I earned my right to watch that wedding.
Anyways, I watched it, I got kind of upset.
And my current boyfriend walked in and asked me,
"What are you watching?"
And I said, "Parks and Rec."
He's like, "No, you're not.
I see what you're watching.
That's the wedding of the guy you used to date
who looks like me."
I was like, "Yeah, sorry."
He's like, "Do I need to worry about this?"
And I was like, "No.
And he just goes, "Okay."
And walks out of the room.
I'm like, why do you trust me?
What?
How good was your childhood
that you just believe the things I say.
That's crazy.
He is so confident.
Nothing makes him jealous.
Which sucks for me 'cause I thrive off of jealousy
and I don't get it.
His confidence comes from nowhere.
Okay. He has arthritis.
He has sleep apnea.
I'm like, you can't even make it through the night.
If the power goes out, you're dead.
Like where do you...
How do you find this confidence?
So I did something, you know, to make him jealous.
And we all do stuff like this, it's totally chill.
We all do stuff like this.
It's so not a big deal.
It really isn't.
I changed my best friend Christina's name in my phone
to say Mike from the gym.
And so Christina and I texted all day.
Poor thing had no idea.
And I waited till we made dinner plans
and she texted see you tonight at eight with a heart emoji.
And I left my phone out on the coffee table.
Waited.
And he walks in and he looks at my phone and he goes,
"You don't go to a gym."
I'm like, why didn't I just write Mike from Dairy Queen?
Would've been so much better.
I get that men are attracted to younger women.
That's a normal part of life.
I totally understand that.
But I do think it gets kind of creepy
when men start talking about 18 year old girls.
I don't like that.
Okay. 18 year old girls are children.
I know this because I was a child until I turned 27.
This whole barely legal,
like countdown clocks for someone to turn 18.
It's just gross.
And the reason I think it's gross
is because 18 year old girls are disgusting.
No they're vile, nasty, disgusting humans.
I was one.
I will tell you all about it.
Picture me 18.
I know it's hard 'cause I look 14 as is.
When I was 18, I had never washed my hands before.
Seriously. I didn't wash my hands till I got to college.
A sophomore showed me how.
When I finally did it so much came off.
Also, I had no idea you were supposed to wash your bra.
I still don't.
But at least now I know I'm supposed to.
But my favorite thing that I did when I was 18
was I shit my pants at a Cold Stone Creamery.
That's right.
This young, hot, sexy, barely legal slut.
And what did I do next?
I threw my underwear away at Magiano's.
And then what?
I went back out and I enjoyed my day at the mall
because 18 year old girls shit and rally.
It's crazy to me that Canada has universal healthcare.
It's free.
They have free healthcare for everybody.
As a American brat,
like I can't wrap my head around that concept
because I am a hypochondriac.
And I like, why wouldn't I wanna spend all day
with a rich hot doctor?
Medical attention is still a form of attention.
What is to stop me
from stabbing myself in the stomach
and being like it's your problem now, babe.
First dates are really awkward.
I recently went on a first date
with a guy who I'd been sleeping with for three months.
It was so uncomfortable
because it wasn't really a first date.
It was more just like, let me tell you I'm pregnant
while we're eating dinner.
Wasn't really pregnant.
Just said it for attention and a free meal.
I've also realized every time a guy (beep) on your stomach
he's telling you, you're not the one.
You can just get a towel, wipe it off.
Those babies are for somebody else.
Okay?
Clearly when I'm dating someone,
I don't like to use condoms.
I just feel like, how are you supposed to bond as a couple
if you don't go through a pregnancy scare, okay?
You need that.
You really do.
Okay. That's when he's responding
to all your texts right away.
He really cares for you.
All of a sudden, he believes in your dreams.
He's like, you don't need this.
Now you have a whole future ahead of you.
So romantic.
(upbeat music)