BESIDES THE ELECTION, YESTERDAY WAS ALSO ANOTHER BIG NIGHT FOR
THE CORONAVIRUS.
I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT IN OUR BRAND NEW, HOPEFULLY
SOON-TO-BE-CURED SEGMENT: "GOIN' VIRAL."
TODAY, TRUMP MET WITH AIRLINE EXECUTIVES AND TOLD THEM HE'S
BEEN FOLLOWING THE CORONAVIRUS SAFETY GUIDELINES, AND HE
ADMITS IT'S BEEN HARD.
>> I HAVEN'T TOUCHED MY FACE IN WEEKS!
.IN WEEKS!
WHOOSHHs.
I MISS IT.
>> Stephen: YOU HAVEN'T TOUCHED YOUR FACE IN YEARS.
YOUR FACE HAS BEEN QUARANTINED BEHIND A THICK LAYER OF BRONZER.
NOW WITH MORE CASES-- IT'S ANTIBACTERIAL.
IT'S ANTIBACTERIAL IS WHAT IT IS.
NOW, WITH MORE CASES TURNING UP IN NEW YORK, THE CITY IS UPPING
THEIR PREVENTION GAME BY VOWING TO REGULARLY DISINFECT THE
SUBWAY EVERY 72 HOURS.
SO REST ASSURED: THAT PUDDLE OF URINE YOU SAT IN IS NO MORE THAN
THREE DAYS OLD.
( LAUGHTER )
THE WORLD HEALTH ORGANIZATION IS HELPING OUT BY DEBUNKING
CORONAVIRUS MYTHS.
ON THEIR WEBSITE, THEY SAY, "SPRAYING ALCOHOL ALL OVER YOUR
BODY WILL NOT KILL VIRUSES THAT HAVE ALREADY ENTERED YOUR BODY."
OKAY, THAT'S IMPORTANT.
SPRAYING ALCOHOL ON THE OUTSIDE OF YOUR BODY DOESN'T AFFECT THE
VIRUSES INSIDE SO...
LET'S GET THIS WHERE IT'S NEEDED.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THE TINGLE MEANS IT'S WORKING.
( LAUGHTER )
WITH THAT.
ANOTHER THING THAT WON'T HELP MUCH IS EVIDENTLY A FACE MASK.
THE SURGEON GENERAL HIMSELF ANGER-TWEETED ABOUT IT.
"SERIOUSLY PEOPLE- STOP BUYING MASKS!
THEY ARE NOT EFFECTIVE IN PREVENTING GENERAL PUBLIC FROM
CATCHING CORONAVIRUS, BUT IF HEALTHCARE PROVIDERS CAN'T GET
THEM TO CARE FOR SICK PATIENTS, IT PUTS THEM AND OUR COMMUNITIES
AT RISK!" IT'S A GOOD MESSAGE.
I UNDERSTAND THAT.
BUT THAT TONE IS BOTH MORE CASUAL AND MORE ANGRY THAN YOU
WANT FROM THE SURGEON GENERAL OF THE UNITED STATES.
IT GOT EVEN WEIRDER WHEN HE RAGE-POSTED THIS ANGRY LADY
CAT MEME.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ).
>> Jon: WOW!
WHAT A MEME!
WOW.
>> Stephen: ASIDE FROM OUR NATION'S MASK MANUFACTURERS,
THERE'S ANOTHER INDUSTRY THAT'S PROFITING OFF THE CONTAGION, AND
THAT'S PORN-- SPECIFICALLY, A WEBSITE WE'RE NOT ALLOWED TO
NAME BUT THAT SERVES AS A HUB FOR VARIOUS KINDS OF PORN.
BECAUSE THE LATEST TREND IN ONLINE HORNINESS IS "CORONAVIRUS
PORN."
OF COURSE.
EVERY TIME WE GET AN EPIDEMIC, SOMEONE'S GOTTA MAKE A
PORNOGRAPHY OUT OF IT.
THAT'S WHAT GAVE US THE 1862 CLASSIC: "HUMPIN' 4 MUMPS."
ANOTHER, ANOTHER-- THAT WAS A NICKELODEON.
YOU HAD TO PUT YOUR FACE IN LIKE THIS.
ANOTHER UNFORESEEN VICTIM OF THE CORONAVIRUS IS THE WONDERFUL
WORLD OF SPORTS.
THEY'VE ALREADY HAD TO CANCEL THE WORLD INDOOR ATHLETICS
CHAMPIONSHIPS AND THE CHINESE GRAND PRIX, AND THE TOKYO
MARATHON USUALLY ATTRACTS 35,000 PARTICIPANTS.
HOWEVER, THIS YEAR, THERE WERE JUST 300 ELITE RUNNERS ALLOWED,
WHICH IS THE ONLY REASON I'M STANDING HERE RIGHT NOW INSTEAD
OF RUNNING THE TOKYO MARATHON, WHICH I TOTALLY WOULD HAVE DONE.
( LAUGHTER )
AFFECTED, TOO.
IN JAPAN, PRESEASON GAMES ARE BEING PLAYED IN EMPTY STADIUMS.
BUT BACK HERE IN THE STATES MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL IS GETTING
PREPARED BY UPDATING LYRICS FOR THE SEVENTH INNING STRETCH.
♪ JUST STAY HOME FROM THE BALL GAME
KEEP AWAY FROM THE CROWD ♪ BUY ME SOME PURELL
AND FACIAL MASKS ♪ IF YOU CONTRACT IT
YOU'LL BLEED OUT YOUR ASS ♪ ♪ OH, WAIT MAYBE THAT ONE'S
EBOLA ♪ OR I COULD BE THINKING OF SARS
THERE ARE ONE TOO MANY DISEASES SO PLEASE STAY FAR ♪
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
HAYES!
PLAY BALL!