Let's go to the first caller here. We have Eva from Illinois.
Eva, Can you hear me?
Yes. Hi, Dr. Joe. My question is
my husband had an affair and then he moved back
in March and he says that he's in love with that woman.
I have been watching your videos for a while now,
and I feel like he has limerence, but he says, "no, I don't have a limerence.
I have I'm in love with that woman." I'm 45.
My husband is 52 and that woman is 64-years-old.
My husband says I'm not compatible with him.
So I don't understand if it is a love addiction, if he
is really in love with her, if it's a limerence, it's some kind of spiritual,
like a Satanist attack because I'm a Christian so I do believe in that one too.
I'm very confused.
My husband is also confused because sometimes he says,
"this looks like an addiction",
because he doesn't want to go there but he's struggling on a
daily basis to stay away from that woman.
May I ask, how long have you been married?
We have been married for 16 years.
16 Years. Okay. In the 16 years, have things been generally good?
No. The
main stress that we heard from job for the first
part of 14 years. We were
just moving around and he was always looking for a job.
When we settled down in 2016 July,
he started getting remote jobs and finally be in a good financial
situation for the first time. After that, I found out this,
it was a stressful, but from my side.
I was able to identify the circumstances and the person.
Okay. So, you still love this man?
Yes. Absolutely because he's the love of my life.
How long has he been involved with this other woman?
I think from June 2017
now. I don't know.
Almost two years. Okay. Did I hear you correctly earlier, Eva,
when you said that he has tried not to contact the woman?
Did I hear you say that?
Very much. He's trying because
he's a Christian man and he wants to obey the Bible. So,
he's really trying to make this marriage work,
but the feelings doesn't go away.
He's very frustrated because the bond and connection is so powerful that
it's not going away. He doesn't understand what is this?
It's a pretty powerful thing.
Anybody who's been through it understands the great power of it.
Many years ago when I went through it myself and back in those days,
when I went through it, I left my wife for another woman.
That's why I tend to know a lot about this, not just from my own experience,
but in earning my Ph.D., my doctorate degree,
I've studied considerably about this.
What I'm saying is I know how he feels. It is confusing.
It is in contradiction to your religious beliefs. You said,
you've tried to convince him that it's limerence.
May I suggest that it might not be a good idea to try to do that anymore?
Because when a person is feeling this,
they feel that they're just deeply madly in love and if you put some of the
words to that, they tend to reject that immediately. Like, 'No, no.
You don't understand. I had this deep,
amazing love for this other person." So,
trying to convince them that they're in limerence typically doesn't work well.
I've seen it where it has worked a time or two, but that's pretty unusual.
I suggest maybe you stop talking about that. What he's feeling,
he feels as intense love. You asked the question, you said, "is it limerence?
Is it love addiction?
Is it t another kind of love?" The social sciences, Eva,
there are so many different kinds of love that we can actually measure.
The only one we don't try to measure is the one called true love because
whatever a person feels at the moment, they consider that to be true love.
That's why we don't even try to measure that because it's so unique,
so individual. Based on what you're describing, and of course,
I don't know your husband, I'm just going off your description,
but based on what you're describing, it does sound as if it's limerence.
How often do you know how often he's in contact with her now?
He he's trying very hard not to be in contact with her.
So to my knowledge, the last time he saw her was on February 12th.
He told her that, "as long as I'm married, I'm not coming back.".
Has he done anything about ending the marriage? Has he tried to divorce you?
No, he hasn't tried, but he has told me indirectly thatI
will provide financially,
don't worry about that." So he kind of doesn't want to make a move. Also
he's not getting counseling or any kind of help,
so he's not getting any good information.
I'm sure that's right. Just giving information to a person in limerence,
if indeed he's in limerence,
just giving information to a person in limerence doesn't tend to help very much.
How open-minded is your husband about learning new things?
Maybe little bit, but not a lot.
Okay, and this woman if I heard you correctly, she's 9 years older than he is.
Is that correct?
Yes. She's 64. He's 52.
Oh, he's 52! Okay. So she's 12 years older than he is.
It
looks like that's the only reason he's not leaving us because he's thinking
about the future, because he did say last year that,
"after 10 years you will be 55 and she will be over 70."
So, I think probably that's the only reason he's still here.
Well, good.
That means that it's not completely overcome by emotion at this point.
There's still some logic going on and that's a good sign. Actually,
now that you're coming up closer to two years,
I cannot predict this because I do not know your husband,
but it would not be unusual for the limerence to actually start fading.
The reason for that is that about half of the people who are in
limerence end by the end of the second year now,
I can't guarantee you that your husband is in that half.
Some end as quickly as three months, obviously he's gone pass that.
But many of them will end by the end of the second year.
So, the fact that he's thinking, "okay, I do have these emotions for her,
but I'm thinking when I'm 65,
she's going to be 77 and that's a pretty big difference. When I'm 70,
she's going to be 82.
That's even a bigger difference." It sounds like you've got some hope here now.
So he's not seeking counseling. Go ahead.
He says that in his mind he stays here
with us, but his heart says to go over there.
I understand that. What are you doing to try to help make this situation better,
my friend?
I have done so much. Last
year we got a little bit counseling from a psychologist.
We got counseling a few months ago for awhile from the pastor
of our church.
Did it help?
No. I found out that actually,
when he was getting the counseling from the pastor and the psychologist for
awhile, he was was seeing her.
That's not good. Are you by any chance, Eva,
a member of our online course, our "Save My Marriage" course?
I'm not
but I contacted your office this morning and they
sent me some emails with information.
Good. I want to do something for you. I want to do something.
It's April 1st and they call it April Fool's Day. I'm not a fool,
but I want to do something for you.
Will you allow me to give you that course as
my gift?
But you've got to give me your word.
You've
got to give me a word that you will work through all 10 weeks if I give it to
you? Will you promise to do that?
Absolutely.
Okay. I'm going to put you back on hold and hopefully Cassie,
one of our screeners here has heard some of this, but she's so busy.
She may not have. Go back on hold for a little while.
You can still listen to the program,
but I want to make sure that we get your information before the program is over.
Somebody else will, not on the air,
but somebody else will get that info from you. It's going to be my gift to you.
Okay?
Okay. Thank you so much. I really appreciate it.
You're very welcome.