- America is the freest,
most freedomful country in the entire world,
despite what some hack YouTube lawyer says.
And for those traveling internationally for the first time,
you may be surprised to learn
that many American rights, freedoms, and values
are not universally held abroad.
In fact, one country's liberty
can be another country's crime.
But in fact, we Americans are so constantly surrounded
by so much freedom that we often just take it for granted,
like David Foster Wallace's metaphor.
One fish asks another, "How's the water today?"
And the other fish shoots him with an AR-15.
And if you've spent your entire life
in the land of the free and home of the brave,
it can be easy to overlook the other countries
that are, in fact, not America.
There are tons of rights and activities
that are perfectly legal in the United States
but could land you in some hot water
if you tried it in another country,
like the mullet hairstyle, for example.
The mullet, that iconic hairstyle
of 1980s actors, rock stars and athletes,
really has no business
continuing to exist in the 21st century,
and yet, inexplicably, it still does.
But this is America, dammit,
where you don't have to fight for your right
to party in the back and business in the front.
But if you wanna cosplay as Joe Dirt,
or compete in the USA Mullet Championships,
yes, that is a very real thing that people do,
then it is your right as an American to look like an idiot.
In fact, that might be the most fundamental
American right that there is.
But for certain freedom-hating countries
trying to save you from yourselves,
the mullet and other crimes of fashion
constitute a criminal offense.
For example, in 2010, Iran's Ministry of Culture
officially said goodbye to mullets,
banning the hairstyle for being un-Islamic.
In an effort to rid the country
of so-called decadent Western haircuts,
Iran launched a crackdown on mullets,
elaborate spikes, and long hair,
because nothing says decadence like the mullet.
Now, in years leading up to the ban,
police have actually raided barbershops
that offer these disfavored hairstyles.
After the ban, violators have been subject to fines
and impromptu haircuts by the police
for violating these standards.
Government officials have even gone
to hairdressing trade shows
to outline what haircuts are legal.
Also, in 2021, North Korea launched own war
against mullets and other foreign styles.
In an effort to crack down
on so-called non-socialist hairdos,
the rogue communist country
outlawed mullets and spiky, dyed hair,
while also enlisting the state-run
Socialist Patriotic Youth League
to act as literal fashion police against the banned cuts.
Nose and lip piercings, skinny jeans,
and branded T-shirts were also outlawed.
And though this is hardly the worst human rights violation
of this repressive regime,
it seems like Kim Jung Un is in no place
to prosecute anyone for ridiculous haircuts.
And it's not just hairstyles that don't make the cut.
Pun 100% intended.
In the nation of Tajikistan,
the secular government has waged a war on beards
in an effort to crack down on what it sees
as the influence of Islamic radicalism.
In the country, only clean-shaven men can get passports,
and beards are often forcibly shaved off by police officers.
So if you're a hirsute hipster
looking to open up that barbershop
just for that ironic beard and mustache,
you'll have to look outside of Tajikistan.
But obviously you've already set up shop
in Williamsburg anyway.
But just because it's legal
to get a really terrible haircut in the United States
doesn't mean that you won't be subject to a good spanking,
unless you're outside of the United States,
because when it comes to raising children,
there's a fierce debate
as to whether parents should spank their kids.
Some parents live by the adage,
"Use your words, not your hands," while other parents,
particularly those influenced by older generations,
live by the biblically-inspired aphorism,
"Spare the rod, spoil the child."
But as a strictly legal matter
here in the grand old US of A,
the right to spank your kids shall not be infringed.
In fact, the use of corporal punishment
on one's own children,
defined as spanking, paddling,
or other forms of physical punishment
to correct misbehavior,
is protected by law in all 50 states
plus the District of Columbia.
Now, for those of us whose parents spanked us as kids,
that probably doesn't surprise you.
What might surprise you in most of the United States
is that it remains perfectly legal for teachers
to paddle children in school,
and not just in Springfield Elementary School.
- Talking out of turn, that's a paddling.
Looking out the window, that's a paddling.
- In fact, in 1977, the Supreme Court upheld
the constitutionality of school spankings.
In Ingraham versus Wright,
the court ruled 5-4 that paddling children in public schools
did not violate the Eighth Amendment's ban
on cruel and unusual punishment.
As a result, the Supreme Court left it up to the states
to decide whether to allow spanking
in educational settings or to ban it.
- Huh?
- Hell yeah!
(students gasping) (ominous music)
- And today, 19 US states
still allow public school personnel
to use corporal punishment from preschool to the 12th grade.
And for private schools, corporal punishment remains legal
in every US state except New Jersey and Iowa.
But outside the United States, there has been a clear trend
not merely to dissuade parents from spanking children
but to actually make the practice illegal.
In 1979, Sweden became the first country
to explicitly ban spanking.
This was wildly controversial at the time,
sparking contentious debate about parental rights
versus state responsibilities,
and some Swedish headlines at the time included, quote,
"Swedes have gone mad,"
and, "The government takes charge of parenting in Sweden."
But over the past four decades, the trend against spanking
has been on the rise all over the world.
In fact, according to the American Spanking Institute,
in conjunction with Mothers for Hand Smacking...
I'm just kidding. I made both of those just up.
You gotta stay on your toes.
No, I mean, according to the Global Initiative
to End All Corporal Punishment Of Children,
a total of 63 countries have made smacking children
illegal in any setting, including at home.
Countries on this list span five continents, and in 2022,
Wales became the latest country to ban the practice.
And the bans are even more numerous in school settings,
with corporal punishment in schools
now outlawed in 135 countries.
- Ooh, you better believe that's a paddling.
(Lisa groans)
- Decades after Sweden's ban,
anti-spanking advocates can point to hard data
that suggested a direct correlation
between spanking bans and better-adjusted children.
But that being said,
the prospect of actually prohibiting spanking at home
remains unlikely in the United States,
as many consider such a ban to be an oppressive intrusion
by the state into parental rights.
And even in the 21st century,
spanking in the US has its share of high-profile defenders,
particularly on the conservative side of the aisle.
- I got hit with a strap. Bam, bam, bam!
And I've never been to a shrink.
- In 2014, Fox News commentator, Sean Hannity,
famously defended parents' rights to spank their children,
citing his own upbringing
by beating the desk with a belt to a confused panel.
- I got it like this. (grunts)
And I deserved it. I was a trouble kid.
- Now, notwithstanding the views
of the obviously well-adjusted commentator,
who clearly turned out fine,
spanking has seen a notable decline in the US.
The proportion of parents who utilize the practices
dropped from 50% in 1993 to only 35% in 2017.
But look, if you want your children
to turn out like Sean Hannity,
then maybe start with some spankings.
But that takes us to a topic that almost everyone agrees on,
and that is cannabis,
because in a nation that seems increasingly divided
on almost every single issue,
one of the few areas of bipartisan agreement
is the embrace of legal marijuana.
Now, although cannabis remains illegal under federal law,
the feds have allowed states to experiment
with their own loosen restrictions, because, well,
well, I'll let John Mulaney explain that one.
- With weed, it was just something we wanted really badly,
and we kept asking them for 40 years.
Like, "'Scuse me."
(audience laughing)
And then suddenly the government became, like, cool parents,
and they're just like, "Okay, here, take a little."
We'd rather you do it in the house than go somewhere else.
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah."
- But that being said, Customs and Border Patrol
works tirelessly to prevent drugs
from entering this country.
Like the time that they celebrated the interdiction
of this massive haul of drugs from entering American shores.
Thank you for your service.
But as of 2022, recreational marijuana is currently legal
in 18 states, DC, and Guam,
31 states plus DC have decriminalized low-level offenses,
and a whopping 37 states allow it for medical use.
With public support for full legalization
standing at a record 68%,
Americans certainly have come a long way
since the days of reefer madness.
- [Narrator] Innocently they dance,
innocent of a new and deadly menace
lurking behind closed doors.
Marijuana, the burning weed with its roots in hell.
- But try to take that wacky tobacky outside of our borders
and you could find yourself in severe legal jeopardy.
In fact, in a handful of countries, possession of cannabis
could have you staring down a hangman's noose.
And this disparate legal treatment of cannabis abroad
was recently put on display
following a high-profile detention in Putin's Russia.
In February 2022,
US women's basketball superstar, Brittney Griner,
was arrested after customs authorities claimed to have found
cannabis vape oil cartridges in her carry-on bag.
But given that Griner's arrest
came days before Russia invaded Ukraine,
some have speculated that the Kremlin arrested Ms. Griner
to pressure the US and others
to not stand in the way of Putin's invasion.
To that point, Russia has been known
to falsify drug charges against critics in the past,
so it's certainly not out of the realm of possibility
that the same happened here.
I guess she should just consider herself lucky
that she wasn't poisoned with a radioactive substance.
But while a few dozen countries
have relaxed restrictions on the plant,
the recreational medical use of cannabis
remains very illegal in the vast majority of nations.
For example, in 2021,
24-year-old British soccer coach, Billy Hood,
was arrested in the United Arab Emirates
with four bottles of CBD vape oil in his car.
Local authorities charged Mr. Hood with drug trafficking,
and then sentenced him to 25 years in a Dubai prison.
Mr. Hood's sentence was then reduced to 10 years on appeal,
but he remains incarcerated,
In 2013, Egypt executed Charles Raymond Ferndale,
a 74-year-old British citizen,
for allegedly smuggling three tons of hashish,
which Ferndale insisted until his death
that he had been tricked into doing by third parties.
In 2021, Singapore's sentenced Omar Yacob Bamadhaj to death
for bringing at least two pounds of cannabis
into the country in 2018.
And like Ferndale, his lawyers also argued,
he did not knowingly bring drugs into the country.
Though, despite America's
comparatively looser pot restrictions,
America still has over 40,000 people
in jail for marijuana offenses,
something that absolutely requires fixing.
And even with these disparities, at the very least, though,
toking up in the United States
will not result in the death sentence.
But that's something that you can change in America,
because you have the right to vote,
but you also have the right to not vote
if you don't want to,
because while millions of Americans
stand up every election day to have their voices heard,
millions of Americans also choose to sit down, stay home,
and deliberately not vote at all.
- If I were registered to vote,
I'd send these clowns a message
by staying home on election day
and dressing up like a clown.
- Now, it might seem obvious to say that you have the right
not to participate in American elections,
but it might surprise you to learn
that staying home on election day
is actually illegal in over two dozen countries.
That's right, in 27 countries,
all eligible citizens are required by law
to register and vote in every single election.
Though, several countries, like Chile,
Italy, and the Dominican Republic,
that previously adopted mandatory voting,
have since abandoned the practice.
A handful of countries with compulsory voting
don't actually enforce any penalty for failure to vote,
like Bulgaria, Costa Rica, and Mexico,
but over a dozen countries enforce a penalty
for failing to vote in elections.
Some countries penalize non-voters
with outright disenfranchisement.
In Singapore, a voter that misses an election
is removed from voting roles and must re-register
and submit a valid reason for not voting.
Other countries issue fines,
and can even result in jail time.
Brazil requires all eligible citizens,
excluding the illiterate,
voters aged 16 and 17, and those aged 70,
to vote or be subject to a fine of less than $1.
In Australia, citizens are legally required
to go to their polling place,
but can choose to decline to participate after signing in.
However, failure to show up at the polling place at all
can subject Aussies to a fine of 100 didgeridoos, probably,
or the equivalent of $14 to $34 US dollars,
and citizens who repeatedly refuse to pay the small fine
can actually go to jail.
Among countries with compulsory voting laws,
there are those that tie voting directly to your pocketbook.
For example, in Peru,
a voter must have a stamped voting card
to obtain certain services and goods
from some public offices.
And in Bolivia,
a voter is given a card to prove participation,
and a citizen who cannot show proof of voting
within three months after the election
will be ineligible to receive a salary from the bank.
Advocates for this compulsory system
liken the democratic participation to civil responsibilities
like taxation, jury duty, and military service,
and argue that participating in democracy
is a duty instead of a right.
Others argue that forcing people to vote
compels higher voter turnout,
as Australia rarely falls below 90% participation,
while Brazil's most recent presidential election
was just below 80%.
And compare that to the United States,
where voter turnout struggles
to crack 50% in a midterm election,
and only occasionally breaks 60% in presidential contests.
However, the idea of forcing people to vote
and punishing them for nonparticipation
is not a popular concept
among nations with voluntary suffrage.
Critics see voting as a civic right rather than a duty,
and contend that forcing someone to vote
is counter to the very idea of liberty and free choice.
And some American legal scholars contend
that mandatory voting laws would constitute compelled speech
that violates the First Amendment,
as the right to speak necessarily involves
the freedom not to speak.
So as long as you live in the United States,
you can rest assured of your constitutional right to say,
"None of the above."
- The only thing not silly
is the power of the people's vote.
And I think the people should use it to vote for
(triumphant music) (people laughing)
none of the above.
- Now, if you wanna see even more dumb criminals
and terrible lawyers,
check out my new video, "Too Hot for YouTube."
But I'm sorry to tell you, it's too hot for YouTube.
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