YOU KNOW MY FIRST GUEST AS THE STAR OF "SCARY MOVIE", "THE
HOUSE BUNNY", AND THE CBS SITCOM "MOM."
PLEASE WELCOME ANNA FARIS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( BAND PLAYING )
>> WHAT AN AMAZING AUDIENCE!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: THEY'RE LOVELY.
IF I LIKED MY HANDS MORE I WOULD WAVE MORE AGGRESSIVELY BUT
I DON'T CARE FOR MY HANDS.
>> Stephen: YOU DON'T LIKE YOUR HANDS?
THEY'RE LOVELY, TINY DOLL-LIKE HANDS.
>> NO, THEY ARE NOT.
THEY ARE SORT OF LIKE THE POTATO FARMING PART OF MY FAMILY, I'M
CONVINCED.
WE DON'T NEED TO TALK ABOUT THAT.
>> Stephen: WHERE WOULD WE BE WITHOUT POTATOES, ANNA FARIS.
THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE.
( LAUGHTER ) NOW, YOU HAVE ALSO SORT OF
CONTESSED TO -- CONFESSED TO SOMETHING HERE IN YOUR BOOK.
YOU HAVE A RELATIONSHIP PODCAST, OKAY, VERY SUCCESSFUL, VERY
POPULAR, AND NOW YOU HAVE A BOOK IN SUPPORT OF IT.
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: IT IS CALLED ANNA FARIS IS UNQUALIFIED, OKAY.
WHAT MAKES YOU UNQUALIFIED TO GIVE RELATIONSHIP ADVICE?
( LAUGHTER ) >> I MEAN --
>> Stephen: IS ANYONE QUALIFIED TO GIVE RELATIONSHIP
ADVICE?
>> I FEEL LIKE YOU'RE LETTING ME OFF THE HOOK WITH THAT QUESTION.
I AM DEFINITELY NOT QUALIFIED TO GIVE RELATIONSHIP ADVICE.
BUT HAVING SAID THAT, I ENJOY IT.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: THAT'S RIGHT.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE GOOD AT SOMETHING TO GIVE PEOPLE ADVICE.
>> I LIKE THAT PHILOSOPHY.
>> Stephen: ALL RIGHT.
I'LL HAPPILY INTERRUPT AN OPERATION AND TELL A DOCTOR
WHERE TO START CUTTING.
( LAUGHTER ) WHAT KIND OF ADVICE DO WE HAVE
IN HERE?
IS IT SORT OF LIKE SERIOUS LOVE ADVICE OR DOES THIS GET SPICEY
IN HERE?
IS THERE SPICEY SEX STUFF IN HERE?
>> MY MOM CAME DOWN TO THE KITCHEN THE OTHER DAY AND SHE
SAID, ANNIE, I'M GOING TO GIVE YOU A GIFT, I'M NOT GOING TO
READ YOUR BOOK.
BECAUSE I TALK ABOUT THE GUYS THAT I'VE SLEPT WITH AND I TALK
ABOUT, YOU KNOW, THE TIMES I HAVE BEEN IN LOVE, THE TIMES
I'VE MESSED UP, AND -- >> Stephen: HOW SPICEY ARE WE
TALKING ABOUT HERE?
IF THIS WERE MADE INTO A MOVIE, WHAT NETWORK COULD I SHOW IT ON?
COULD I SHOW IT ON CBS?
>> NO -- NO.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: THAT'S A BOOK I
WOULD READ.
>> ALL RIGHT.
>> Stephen: THE SEXY PART LIKE THIS.
SO YOU'VE GOT ADVICE IN HERE FOR SINGLE PEOPLE?
>> WELL, YES.
I MEAN, LISTEN, IT'S MY LIFE STORY WITH ADVICE ABOUT SORT OF
JUST WHAT I'VE LEARNED, LIKE THE FAILURES THAT I'VE HAD, AND --
>> Stephen: SUCH AS?
WELL, THERE HAVEN'T BEEN THAT MANY.
( LAUGHTER ) EXCEPT FOR MAYBE THIS TALK SHOW.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: NOT AT ALL!
WE LOVE HER, DON'T YOU?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
OKAY.
>> OH, I LOVE YOU GUYS.
>> Stephen: WHEN YOU GIVE ADVICE TO PEOPLE, IS THERE A
QUESTION THAT COMES UP OVER AND OVER AGAIN FROM PEOPLE WHO SAY
ANNA FARIS?
>> USUALLY THE QUESTION ON THE PODCAST WE GET A LOT IS WHY
DOESN'T HE OR SHE LIKE ME?
OR HOW DO I GET HE OR SHE TO LIKE ME MORE?
AND THAT'S SORT OF AN IMPOSSIBLE QUESTION TO ANSWER.
>> Stephen: YEAH.
EXCEPT, HOW DO YOU -- HOW WOULD YOU MAYBE LIKE ME MORE?
COULD I LOOK AT YOUR CARDS?
>> Stephen: I COULDN'T POSSIBLY LIKE YOU MORE.
>> OH, GO ON!
CAN WE DO THESE THINGS, THOUGH?
CAN WE CUT TO COMMERCIAL?
>> Stephen: NO, WE CAN DO ANYTHING YOU WANT.
WE CAN TALK ABOUT ANYTHING YOU WANT.
DO YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT WHAT'S ON THERE?
>> I DO, BECAUSE I WANT TO ASK YOU QUESTIONS.
>> Stephen: HERE'S THE THING.
THIS IS THE THING I'M INTERESTED IN, ON YOUR PODCAST, FIRST OF
ALL, YOU HAVE A LIST OF PROFESSIONS OF MEN YOU BELIEVE
WOMEN SHOULD NEVER DATE.
IS THIS TRUE?
>> THIS IS TRUE.
>> Stephen: YOU SAY -- ( LAUGHTER )
-- YOU SAY MAGICIAN, DOCTOR AND CHEF.
BECAUSE THEY'RE ALL ON CALL?
WHY THOSE THREE?
>> MAGICIAN, SOMEBODY WHO WANTS TO TRICK YOU IS -- IT'S A LITTLE
WEIRD TO ME.
>> Stephen: NOT A CON MAN.
HE PULLS A RABBIT OUT OF A HAT.
>> YEAH, BUT YOU SAY, HOW DID YOU DO THAT?
THEY SAY, I'LL NEVER TELL MY SECRETS.
OH, THAT'S A LITTLE WEIRD.
>> Stephen: THAT'S A LITTLE WEIRD.
DOCTOR?
>> I BELIEVE IN THE GOD CONTEST.
>> Stephen: WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
I THINK THE SAME THING APPLIES TO TALK SHOW HOSTS.
( CHEERING ) ( PIANO RIFF )
>> I LOVE THIS AUDIENCE!
>> Stephen: SO IF MY WIFE BEFORE WE HAD GOTTEN MARRIED IF
SHE SAID I'M THINKING OF DATING THIS GUY WHO IS STEPHEN COLBERT
WHO IS A TALK SHOW HOST, YOU WOULD SAY --
>> I'D SAY, OOH -- >> Stephen: WHAT?
WHY WOULDN'T YOU -- >> OH, MY GOSH!
BUILT-IN NARCISSISM!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
>> Stephen: OKAY.
OKAY.
>> UH-HUH.
>> Stephen: WHY, BECAUSE MY NAME IS ON IF FRONTS OF A
BUILDING TEN STORIES TALL?
( LAUGHTER ) ALL RIGHT.
YOUR PODCAST HAS A QUIZ.
YOU QUIZ CELEBS ON DATING, IT'S CALLED "DEAL BREAKERS AND HOW TO
PROCEED ."
DEALMAKERS?
>> DEAL BREAKERS.
>> Stephen: OKAY, I CAN DO THAT, TOO.
>> I LOVE THE IDEA MAYBE I FLUSTERED YOU.
IT KIND OF GIVES MY EGO A LITTLE BOOST.
>> Stephen: YOU TOTALLY FLUSTERED ME.
>> THANK YOU.
>> Stephen: I'M FLUSTERED.
THANK YOU.
I HAVE A MICROPHONE STRAPPED TO MY INNER THIGH SO I FEEL
FLUSTERED.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
OKAY.
ALL RIGHT.
SO, IMAGINE YOU'RE SING.
>> IMAGINE I'M SINGLE.
YES.
( LAUGHTER ) YOU'RE ON A DATE -- NO, NO,
YOU'RE ON A DATE.
>> Stephen: OKAY.
YOUR DATE REFUSES TO USE A FORK.
IS THAT A DEAL BREAKER?
WHAT ARE WE -- >> Stephen: WHAT ARE WE
EATING?
IF IT'S NACHOS, I'M OKAY.
IF IT'S SPAGHETTI, I'M GETTING THE CHECK.
>> PENNEBOLANAISE.
>> Stephen: I WOULD GET THE CHECK.
>> IF SHE PULLS CHOPSTICKS FROM HER PURSE.
>> Stephen: I WOULD SAY WHEN DID YOU GET BACK?
YOU'VE FORGOTTEN HOW FORKS WORK AND BEEN AWAY FOR A WHILE.
>> SHE HAS A HISTORY, THOUGH.
>> Stephen: SHE HAS HISTORY?
HE BELIEVES THAT HER VERY FIRST BOYFRIEND WAS A DESCENDENT
OF POSEIDON.
>> Stephen: OF POSIDEN?
YEAH.
>> Stephen: IS SHE GREEK?
NO, HER EX-BOYFRIEND WAS.
>> Stephen: I'D GET THE CHECK.
O JUDGMENTAL!
( LAUGHTER ) ALL RIGHT, NEXT ONE.
READY FOR THE NEXT ONE?
>> Stephen: THIS COME, IS SHE A FRIEND OF YOURS?
DID SHE HAVE A BOOK SHE'S SELLING RIGHT NOW?
DOES SHE HAVE A MICROPHONE STRAPPED TO HER THIGH?
( PIANO RIFF ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> YEAH, YEAH.
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
OKAY.
YOU ARE ON A DATE AND OVER CREME BRULE, SHE SAYS SHE'S NOT SURE
IF WOMEN SHOULD BE ABLE TO VOTE BECAUSE OF THE SCIENTIFIC FACT
THAT WOMEN HAVE 50% OF THE MENTAL CAPACITY OF MEN.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) >> Stephen: I -- I -- I
WOULD -- I WOULD SAY -- >> YES?
>> Stephen: -- DOES YOUR HUSBAND MR. TRUMP KNOW YOU'RE
WITH ME TONIGHT?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
"UNQUALIFIED" IS OUT TOMORROW!