- Would you rather
have a mouth full of bees or
have a bee in your butt?
- Oh wow.
You are sick.
(upbeat jazz music)
Hey guys welcome to Stir Crazy,
the show that makes you think hm,
so is this what TV is like now?
You know my guest today from 50 Shades of Grey,
The Peanut Butter Falcon,
and her new film The High Note
it's Dakota Johnson.
Hey Dakota!
- Hi.
- It's good to see you.
- Good to see you too.
- I'm having trouble, I dunno about you,
differentiating between the weekends and the weekdays.
Like, is Sunday the day for the dirtier sweatpants,
or what?
- I don't have the answer to that.
I don't know
what time is.
- Speaking of that,
I have a challenge that I like to play
with every guest on Stir Crazy,
Dakota Johnson, what day is it?
(upbeat music)
- Thursday.
(buzzer)
Is it?
- No.
- I uh.
- You were so close, you were a day off.
I mean what does it really matter?
What's the different between--
- I'm prepared for Thursday.
I'm prepared for it to be Thursday.
- You're always looking ahead.
(laughing)
What about this?
I dunno about you but I'm barely moving nowadays.
I just checked my health app.
Can you check your app on your phone
to see how many steps you've taken today?
(upbeat music with applause)
- No.
Because listen.
I do walk a lot, but--
- You haven't walked, okay.
- Bring my phone with me.
- Oh so it's not accurate, you're saying.
D'you wanna know how many steps I've taken today?
- I wanna know.
Tell me.
- One hundred and eighty one.
- Oh.
I'm less.
(laughing)
(dinging)
Mine's only 89.
What else have you done today?
(laughing)
- This is by far my most productive thing.
I'm wearing a clean shirt,
that's exciting, I did some laundry.
- Today?
- Yeah.
- On a Wednesday.
(laughing)
- Now you're like, now you're throwin' the day around
like oh, everybody knows it's Wednesday.
(laughing)
- I've learned that
on the health app on your phone
you can track your menstrual cycle.
- Oh, that doesn't work for me.
I've been trying, it just doesn't do it.
(laughing)
You have a bunch o' tattoos.
If you had to do a tattoo to commemorate this crazy time
what would the tattoo be?
- Probably like hands praying.
- There ya go.
- I did get a stick and poke kit.
- I dunno what that is, what is that?
What?
- Stick and poke, tattoos.
It's a type of tattoo.
- Is that a temporary tattoo,
or is that like a real?
- It's a real one.
This tattoo of mine was done with stick and poke.
It says I love you.
- Aw.
(laughing)
- Can everybody see that
or is that just to me?
That's a personalized one?
- Yeah, I did it this morning
it's just for you.
I thought I'd tell you
how I feel about you--
- How did you do it?
(laughing)
- I've been wanting to tell you all of these years,
in all of our interviews.
But I always felt nervous
'cause it was weird,
there's too many people around, but now that we're--
- Close.
Now there's a natural distance,
and it's appropriate now.
Let's play some would you rather, Dakota.
(upbeat music)
Would you rather never be able to act again
or never be around another horse again?
- (bleep).
- Yeah.
(sigh)
- That's really sad.
I would give up the horses.
Because I honestly,
I wouldn't be able to pay the bills.
I can't do anything.
I don't have any other
abilities.
- No, no.
You always have the ability
to know within one day what day of the week it is.
That's a skill that can't be--
(laughing)
In recognition of your beloved tooth gap, R.I.P.,
would you rather have a gap in your teeth
be four inches,
or always have your bangs cover your eyes?
- Four-inch gap.
That's my whole mouth.
(laughing)
- I know.
(laughing)
- That's just no teeth.
- Yeah, that's basically no teeth on the top.
- I'm still working on it.
- You'll bring it back?
- Ugh, I'm trying.
(laughing)
Trying to fit quarters in there.
- Spending all day just
pulling them apart?
- Yeah.
- So what's the answer?
- I think bangs.
Like Daria.
(laughing)
Would match my mood.
- Yeah, that makes sense, yeah.
Would you rather be in
an erotic book club with Jamie Dornan
or Christian Grey?
(laughing)
- An erotic book club?
- You're reading erotica.
- There's actually a book called Jane Eyrotica.
Ever heard of it?
(laughing)
- No, it's one of my favorite books,
what are you talking about?
(laughing)
Jane Eyrotica.
It's clever, I'll give it that.
- Probably Jamie.
(ding)
- Jamie?
- He's a lot funnier than Christian Grey.
(buzzer)
- Yeah, it's a little one-note with Christian.
- Sadly.
(laughing)
- Would you rather have your stove
or your toilet break right now?
- My stove.
- No one wants that.
- No thanks.
(laughing)
Wow, come on.
Do some more.
- That's all I had!
That's all, literally, that's all I had!
That was the most--
- That's it?
- Yeah.
- Stove or toilet, that's what you're gonna end on?
- You have a would you rather for me?
- Yeah.
Would you rather
have a mouth full of bees
or have a bee in your butt?
- Oh wow.
You are sick.
Are the bees alive?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- And it's one bee in my butt
or a whole, like--
- Yeah, it's one lone bee.
(laughing)
Buzzin' around.
- I think it's gonna,
I, I mean.
- Or a mouthful.
- Yeah I think I gotta go with the one bee in the butt.
- Would you rather
smell of pee
for the rest of your life
no matter what you did--
- Halfway there already.
(laughing)
- Or any time you're in a public place
ask for a glass of pee to drink.
- I guess, I guess I'll ask
for the one glass of pee, please!
- Wow, strong move.
(laughing)
- What would you say?
- I would just rock the pee smell.
And I'd--
- Own it, yeah.
- I would, and then I would become a trend,
it would become a thing, people would be like wow.
(laughing)
- That's 'cause you are you,
I don't think I could pull that off.
(laughing)
- I love it!
- Did you just come up with these on the fly?
Are you--
- Yeah.
- That gifted at would you rather?
- Yeah.
Yours suck, mine are great.
(laughing)
I have another one.
Would you rather
in the rest of your interviews
always forever
wear only bras,
so like, a bra on your head, and a bra on your boobies
and a bra on your balls.
- I didn't realize you were a medical practitioner,
that used the actual medical term boobies.
Okay, but I got it, yep.
(laughing)
- Or.
Would you rather do all of the interviews
with a gimp mask on?
(laughing)
- I think that's easy, actually.
I would do the gimp mask.
'Cause that's a shtick, it's like your urine thing.
It's like oh, that's the gimp guy.
That's, y'know,
that's fun time Josh the gimp guy.
(laughing)
- I love this game.
(laughing)
- I think when we come out of quarantine
maybe we'll all be wearing gimp masks.
Who knows how this is all gonna end?
- That's a great idea.
I'm gonna order one on Amazon.
Let's see if they have gimp masks on Amazon.
- Yeah I'm gonna take a stab in the dark
and say they do, and they have a lot of 'em.
- Oh, oh.
- Show the class.
- There's one for your dog too.
(laughing)
I think that you're gonna get this one, okay?
(laughing)
And then I'm gonna get this one.
So that my pigtails can come out the top.
- Again, just stylish.
It's almost a little Harley Quinn.
Hey congratulations on your directorial debut.
- Thanks.
- You directed Coldplay's music video recently.
Did you get the note not to Chris Martin in the eye?
Everybody knows that guy's an asshole.
- That guy's an asshole.
(laughing)
No, I didn't get that note.
- What's your least favorite Coldplay song?
- I'm not gonna answer that question.
(bleep) you, Josh.
God.
- Let's play some charades, Dakota.
(upbeat music)
- I'm really good at those,
we play a lot of charades in our house.
- Okay I'm the worst player ever,
so this is gonna be very disappointing for you.
- Oh, (bleep).
(laughing)
I don't know how to do this one, (bleep).
Hold on, got it.
Okay.
- First syllable.
- One syllable.
- One syllable, okay.
One syllable.
(laughing)
Sounds like.
Um, sing?
Throat?
(vocalizing)
♪ Hello ♪
Tracheotomy,
vocal cords,
neck, neck!
Sip.
Swallow.
Eat?
Consume,
first syllable.
One syllable, one syllable.
(buzzer)
Neck swallow, neck--
(bang)
(laughing)
You just--
(laughing)
What?
- I hate this dumb game.
- What was it, what happened?
- Pulp Fiction.
I was gulp, gulp.
- Oh, gulp.
- That was a tough one.
- Was a tough one.
Okay my turn.
- I love matcha.
Cold.
Frozen.
Cold?
Run?
(laughing)
- That's not how I run.
(laughing)
- Cold run.
(laughing)
Cold, happy.
Cold dancing.
Cold wiggle.
(laughing)
Cold yelling--
(buzzer)
You think I know what this is?
- Oh did you know it?
(laughing)
You were just (bleep) with me?
(laughing)
Just a smart, smartypants.
Coldplay.
She knew it.
- What's that?
- Dakota, I don't want this to end
but apparently it has to.
Congratulations on being the best
would you rather player ever.
- Thanks.
Thank you so much.
I really appreciate that.
- Dakota Johnson everybody.
Yay!
(laughing)
(upbeat music)