Isn't it strange how all men want a Natalie Portman?
Not one said The Vivienne or Cheryl Cole.
Did you just say Cheryl Cole?
Cheryl Hole! No, I honestly said Cheryl Hole!
Thanks, Viv, I know where we stand now. You can't even remember my name.
Whenever you're ready, I'm ready.
Hi, everyone, I'm The Vivienne.
And I'm Cheryl Hole and we are:
queens that like to watch.
Did we mess that up?
Or summat.
So, in today's show we are watching The Crown.
You wouldn't know much about crowns.
Right, thank you for triggering me. That's all in your territory.
Do you know what? I love the Royals.
I know that there's a lot of scandal around everything they do.
I love all the romanticism around it, the fairy-tale.
It's like an episode of Shameless at the same time.
She's shagging here, there's a scandal over there,
she's trying to get the crown, they've left the fucking Royal family.
I'm like Pam from Gavin and Stacey.
"It's the drama, Mick, I just love it!"
I just want to see it unfold.
Are you one of them who's got like the queen...
I think we've got one in here, haven't we?
The Queen?
-Look, she's right there! -Have you got on your kitchen wall
the Diana one, the... Who else is in the royal family?
Now, when the Queen Mother died, I actually begged my dad to get the plate.
Everybody at school was like: "You're a weirdo" and I was like: "What?".
You've jogged a memory in my head. Remember the queen's Golden Jubilee?
Well, she did a tour of the country and she came to my school
and we had to do a dance in front of her.
Course, I was dance captain, the big f****t that I was,
but, well, am!
Nothing's changed there!
You are now one degree of separation away from Queen Liz.
Quite fabulous. I think we should crack on.
I can still smell the piss from her knickers.
-Oh, here she comes. -Maggie herself.
Is she gonna...? This is Gillian Anderson, isn't it.
Is she going to do a better job than Meryl?
Now, whenever someone says Gillian to me, I just think Gillian McKeith.
Fuck off, Gillian McKeith?
Congratulations, Prime Minister.
That killed her to say that, didn't it?
"Congratulations, Prime Minister."
I don't know much about like, prime minister history,
but was it controversial when she got into power?
Basically, if you ask the people of Liverpool,
I think it's more than controversial.
-And if you liked milk, you were fucked. -Don't!
Right, so, we did a Meryl Streep night and everybody was like:
"I'm gonna do Into the Woods, I'm gonna do this...".
So, I was like: "Well, I'm gonna be The Iron Lady."
And I did a number and halfway through,
I got a pint of milk and I chugged it on stage.
That explains the smell in your tights.
Have you decided on your first cabinet?
Let's go to IKEA.
I'll take a MALM, please.
-I'm assuming no women. -Oh, here's the handbag.
And she pulls out a gun.
-Fuck off, Thatcher. -Don't...
Please don't mention every time she brings out a handbag.
It's not my fault you couldn't follow a brief...
Right, I had the handbag, the strap broke.
I love how you, like...
You fucking... You like, lip-synced a handbag.
You were walking around going... I'm like: "Girl, there's nothing on your elbow."
It's my GCSE Drama, I was just like...
You should've swapped it at the end of the runway, you should've...
-Is that playing or have they paused? -No, it's stopped.
I thought it fell out, they haven't said anything a while.
Oh, my God, do you remember where we stayed on the Brighton
when we did the UK tour?
We stayed in the hotel that she got blew up in.
Well, she didn't get blown up cos, obviously, she didn't get blown up...
Dennis!
All the staff were so proud, like: "Margaret Thatcher stayed here."
We were like: "Did she get blown up in here?"
Oh, well. Someone tried, at least.
In the words of Coldplay:
"When you try your best, but you don't succeed."
And Gillian Mck...
Gillian McKeith!
Gillian Anderson, you know, it's very...
She does that breathy kind of...
That's me after I just did a big massive shit in the toilet.
I was like...
Is that Dennis?
She doesn't know what to do with herself, does she?
She's from a really working-class background, Maggie.
I'm saying it like I know her: "Our Maggie."
My bestie. Mags. Do you remember when Michelle told me off
for abbreviating Queen Elizabeth's name to Liz?
Oh, fuck off, Michelle.
-Well, I think we've failed that test. -Mate!
Number five ibble-dibble with one dibble-ibble
calling number four ibble-dibble with two dibble-dibbles.
Pissed as arseholes.
How much do you wanna bet someone's going to get shagged in a minute.
You know what I was saying about the Royal family
thinking they're posh and regal
but actually they're just normal.
It'll be Dennis. I bet Dennis has had his way with the queen.
Two fingers in the bum hole.
"Dennis, stop f*****g Her Majesty."
Prime Minister.
What a lovely morning.
She looks amazing there.
Shall we?
So, next time, you might not wear bright blue.
-Looks like a scene out of Harry Potter. -Doesn't it?
Maggie's fuming, look.
Now, I'm not a country diva, I don't do country walks.
I don't do mud, I don't do any of that bullshit.
So, I'm Team Maggie in this situation.
That would be me, to be fair.
No.
Here's Bonham Carter.
Aren't you supposed to be out there, stalking?
-Yes, I was, but your sister... -No, you don't call her that.
You call her the Queen.
She's the Queen, not my sister.
She's a savage.
Classy, bougie, ratchet...
No, I don't think we could describe Princess Margaret like that.
Oh, I beg your pardon.
God, don't say that either. Say: "What".
-She's a cow, isn't she? -It's like you the first three episodes.
This is supposed to be a bank holiday.
They're going down to the Sugar Hut on a Sunday night.
That's an Essex bank holiday.
The which? Harbour?
I said the Sugar Hut.
Oh, I thought you said The Ship and Harbour.
-What the fuck is The Ship and Harbour? -I don't know!
What kind of Essex pub do you think we go to?
Hello? Domino's Pizza.
Did you get on one knee?
-No. -He needs some prosthetic ears.
Remember in the Walkers' packets
where you used to get the Gary Lineker ears.
He couldn't put them on.
Still smelling the cheese on it.
Oh, no, S&V for me, all the way.
Where does she live?
In Earls Court in a flat she shares with...
Prostitutes and Australians.
So, the queen's fuming cos she shares a flat with friends.
But she's better than Camilla. Bloody bulldog chewing at once.
Do you know what, I couldn't deal with the paps.
I've got to deal with them every day.
Do you know what? It's just so hard being me.
Oh, so, these are her divas that look after her.
Could you marry into the royal family?
I mean if the dick was good, yeah.
Do you remember when she used to...
there's stories that she used to go out with Freddie Mercury.
-And they put her in... -Down the RVT!
Yes, and they put her in man drag
and she'd have a moustache on and everything.
-Do you know what? -She's a big f*g hag, weren't she?
Nobody knows who I am so I could walk down the street.
But if I was being papped left, right and centre,
I'd love to go in disguise.
I'd have a prosthetic nose made and everything. I'd be like Mrs Doubtfire.
-That's not... -No, this is my real.
This is my real nose!
Do you know what? I love going out on the town with your divas
and to have that taken away like that, you'd be like...
"No, I'm sorry, I'm not doing it."
She was amazing. I remember the day, do you remember the day?
Vaguely, cos it was like, what, '97?
I can't remember, I was in a k-hole.
What, at like five years old?
Yeah, my mum started me on it at three.
Bloody roller-skates?
If that's Liz, I'll piss myself.
They've got some tunes on this season.
Do you really think on the first day of living in bloody Buckingham Palace...
This has got to be dramatised.
That's basically shitting on the floor.
It's very like Princess Diaries, isn't it. You know the Disney version.
If I was alone in Buckingham Palace for the first day,
the first thing I'd do is go and see if that rumour's true
about the queen having a gold toilet, and if it was...
A gold toilet seat. And if it was true, I'd have the biggest shit on it.
I think there's tunnels. I bet there's secret tunnels.
There's gotta be, like a bunker.
-She has a wank bunker. -Don't!
Philip!
The Prince of Wales told me he was going away for six weeks
and not taking you.
Oh, look at her, she's like:
I had the dick before you.
Diana looks like royalty, she looks like she's left an office.
When you've got the office party at nine but you've got to clock in at ten.
He's so fussy and set in his ways, he'll love it if you adapt to him.
That's who Camilla reminds me of, Gail Platt!
No neck and always causing fucking murder.
Right, say Charles has just proposed to me
and some woman sit there telling me what he likes after dinner,
what he likes after this, well I'd be like: "Oh, yeah?"
-You wanna be starting something? -Exactly.
Gotta be starting something.
I'd say: "Listen, Fringe, get fucked."
-It's lovely. -Isn't it?
Camilla on the spliffs.
-I didn't think... -4/20.
I didn't think anyone in that royal circle smoked.
I can't believe we grew up, basically,
when the smoking ban happened.
Oh, don't. It just ruined everything, didn't it?
Do you garden?
-Not really. -He's obsessed by gardening.
I'd just say: "All right, love, I get it, you've shagged him.
Now fuck off."
Thank you. Hello, hello. Thank you.
I can smell horse shit or something.
Where's Princess Di?
-She's busy working, I'm afraid. -Don't think so.
Is she judging a swimsuit contest?
Oh, no, they're at water polo.
I think they're swimmers.
I was like: Is this Miami beach?
I did horse-riding lessons as a child.
-Poor horse. -And, I kid you not...
Tell me the end of the story.
So, they gave me the horse that just wanted to shit the whole time.
So, we'd do like two trots and then it'd be like...
-I was like... -I thought you were going to say
that they gave you the horse that wanted to shag all the time.
I've got this picture of a horse mounting you
and you going: "Argh, get off!"
Traumatising.
Actually, no, I would've been like...
No, for the record, I am not into bestiality, everybody.
-But, yeah, Australia, gorgeous. -It's just a bruise.
People were laughing at me.
Laughing in my face at the end of a week
in which half of Australia has also been booing me!
Do you know what, this is what happens when you feed the divas too much,
when they don't get their way, this is what happens.
-"Booing me!" -"Oh, Mummy!"
"Mummy, come and tickle my back."
Do you know what, if this was not in a royal situation,
she'd be like: "I'm off. Bye."
So, she's back from Australia. Ain't got much of a tan.
-Welcome back. -Thank you, Mama.
-Did she call her mama? -She just called the queen mama?
Do you remember the Spice Girls movie where they went to the dance captain:
"Ma ma ma ma".
She more than did that to the queen.
-I'm struggling. -Struggling?
He resents me, resents the attention I get.
Starting to turn into The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.
Imagine going bitching to the queen about her son!
Your son's a dickhead!
I've been given no help, no support, just thrown in the deep end.
Far from the shallow now.
-All I want is to play for the team. -You're the Princess of Wales.
-So, of course, you're part of the team. -Then show me.
Imagine saying that to the queen!
That's why she offed her.
I think we've gone as far as we can for now.
That's what that bell meant: get rid.
Get her out. Come on.
Mama.
I'm sorry...
-In the words of Gaga, she's speechless. -Imagine if the queen just went...
First time her tits have been touched in 28 years.
So, she's fuming with Maggie
because Maggie's come across as a big, racist balloon.
It doesn't surprise me one bit, darling.
Getting the receipts out, it's like 2020 on Twitter.
This is when I wish it was The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.
-They would've jumped over that table. -There'd be bags flying.
I am the one from a small street
in an irrelevant town
with a father who could not bequeath me a title...
Bequeath me?
So, that's what that smell was.
I have had to learn many difficult lessons as Sovereign.
Britons are learning to...
-She just cut the queen off. -I know.
-She was like: "no, I'm still going." -Fancy pointing your finger at the queen.
Your Majesty.
-I'd have been, that meeting went well. -Had better days.
Basically, if this was scouse, you'd say, "Hey, Maggie, I'm fumin'."
And Maggie's going: "Well, who are you talking to?
You're being a fucking racist, dickhead."
And then Maggie's gone: "And what? Fuck."
I'm not one for an argument.
I love, like, a heated debate.
Have you ever punched anyone straight in the face?
-Oh god no. These delicate hands? -Have you never had a fight?
-No! -Girl, I've been arrested three times.
God, I'm boring, aren't I?
Oh, girl, if I could write a book, it'd be bestseller.
Only my family would disown me.
Well, I'm going to be listening to the audiobook because I can't read.
Fuck me, the honeymoon period's over. Here's an old book.
Bloody money he's got, he's bought her a dusty, old book.
Too busy buying Camilla fucking underwear, that's why.
Down Ann Summers.
She's walking around dripping in Tiffany's and Cartier, she's got an old book.
It's like in Love Actually when he bought her that fucking CD.
Don't. That's the most heart-breaking scene in a movie ever.
I know. But I love to perform, it's how I can best express myself.
Chance to express herself.
And go for second-best.
Madonna says it as it is.
-Madonna knew! -Yeah.
-Oh, has she done a home movie? Oh... -Oh, don't....
-I knew you were that kind of girl! -She made a mucky film.
I know it's the Vogue video.
Oh, she played her in The Phantom.
When did she have time to do this?
I think she's trying to say: "Look, this is..."
-She wants to be on the West End. -Yeah.
Hold your hand to guide you
Do the high bit.
Yeah, I can still hear. Brilliant.
A video of Diana singing some dreadful song
in some musical.
Lloyd Webber's like...
Who do you mean?
I'm sure it's on in Her Majesty's theatre. Well, not anymore.
It's a monstrous musical.
What's that thing that the person from Britain's Got Talent wins?
-The Royal Variety! -More than I fucking...
They get cash, don't they?
Life supply of M&S food.
Nice prawn dipper.
Although Camilla, doubtless, has feelings for you, deep feelings...
it's maybe not quite the great Romeo-Juliet thing that you imagine.
More like Fred and Rose.
Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries.
God, look how they've aged her!
Is that green screen?
DIRECTOR: It's not finished!
Oh!
Could you pause at the green screen behind?
The final edit.
Driving down to Downing Street!
Getting rid of me is an act of national self-harm
which is why I've come to you, ma'am.
This is it.
This is it, this is the moment.
The queen's getting rid.
Now, go on, get...
before I throw a bucket of piss-water all over you.
-You seen that film? It's great. -Nah.
You name a movie, I probably haven't seen it. I'm terrible.
Give a good line and a black eye and say: "You git."
You have power in doing nothing.
I will have nothing.
-Whitney Houston. -I have nothing.
You will have your dignity.
I love how they keep their distance. They're like:
-"You're standing over there, bitch." -When was this filmed, do you know?
Was this filmed in quaran-tina-turner?
I'd do a Zoom call if I could.
You just took the words out of my mouth.
Shit, it's Liz. Fuck!
Move that cocaine.
But to have the opportunity to finish the job,
snatched away at the very last...
So, the milk's gone by this point.
Yeah, it's definitely curdled.
I think even my sternest critics will concede
that my first solo trip has not been a disaster.
She's Jason Derulo Ridin' Solo now.
Your capacities of self-delusion
never ceases to amaze me.
That's rich coming from you, darling!
The calculated vulgarity of the antics.
She's not at a fucking glory hole having a jolly old time!
Do you think we couldn't do that too?
They love pulling the papers out, don't they?
-This is like the screenshots of today. -Yeah.
They'd be like: "Well, actually, what you said was..."
On Twitter, on 11th February...
I hug who I love...
particularly when they are affected
by the selfishness of others and need cheering up.
-Who are you referring to? -Camilla.
-No. -Not her again.
Why would I care about her?
Because I care about her!
Morning, noon and night I care about her!
And you've hurt her.
I'd fuck Diana's drag, right?
How could he say that to her?
Not the woman you married?
I refuse to be blamed any longer for this grotesque misalliance.
-I wash my hands of it! -Me on a Saturday night.
I can't believe she's lasted that long. I'd be out after he slagged Phantom off.
I'd say: "If you don't like Phantom, love you won't like Wicked,
so we may as well just...
may as well just draw a line in the sand."
There's a musical coming, Everybody's Talking About Jamie, you won't like that.
You'd have to help yourself to bit of the bits in the house, wouldn't you?
-Oh, yeah. -Them helmets, they'd be coming with me.
The Mary Poppins bag.
"It's the drama, Mick, I just love it!"
The shit's hit the fan, hasn't it?
And splattered up the fucking walls.
Do you know what? I've literally got to say
she's a saint.
She is a saint for putting up with that bullshit.
She's a very sad woman.
My first nomination is Charles.
-Gang-handed, adulterer! -Gang-handed.
Gang-handed by the royals. Filth.
Joining a gang when you should know better.
-At your age, Liz. -Oh, come on, Diana,
get!
Well, that's The Crown.
I think we can safely say that Charles is a dickhead.
The queen is quite fabulous, to be fair.
Quite fabulous.
You know, not in every sense, but she's quite fabulous
and I think I can safely say
I would never, ever, ever want to be part of the royal family.
So, cheers to that.
Up your bum, no babies.