- Hello, everybody.
Welcome back to my channel.
I'm Hannah Witton and this channel
is all about sex and relationships.
And one of the things that I have really enjoyed
learning about and nerding out about recently
is sexual desire and sexual arousal.
And I've made whole videos on those topics.
But one of the things
that I've been diving into is the actual differences
between them because I feel like my whole life
I've just been using those terms interchangeably
and not really understanding the nuances.
And I think the more I've understood the differences
between sexual arousal, sexual desire,
and sexual attraction, the more satisfied
I am with my personal sex life.
Also the less frustrations there are,
the more at peace I am with how my body works,
how my desire works, and all of those things.
And so I wanted to share that with you today.
So hopefully there are some things
that you can take away from it,
apply to your own life,
and understand yourself a bit better,
understand other people, your partners a bit better.
And just have a more satisfied sex life
on your own terms,
not what we think we should be doing
but what we actually want to be doing, or not.
If you are new here and you want
more sex and relationships content,
then make sure
♪ To subscribe ♪
♪ Mmm, mmm, mmm ♪
Quick content warning before we dive in.
There is a brief mention of assault
and nonconsensual behaviour during the arousal section.
So first off, let's do some definitions
of each of the things that we'll be tackling
just on their own.
And then we will get into how they interact
with each other, or not.
So arousal is physiological.
It is the physical response that happens
in your body to any kind of sexual stimuli.
That might be what you see, what you hear,
what you touch, what you smell, what you imagine.
People will have different sensitivity to sexual stimuli,
but generally,
arousal looks like blood rushing to the genitals,
having an erection, producing natural lubrication.
It could be your heart beating faster,
your nipples get erect,
you might get rosy cheeks, you might start sweating,
like, a whole bunch of different,
like, physical things that happen to your body.
The main one being like a tingling sensation
in your genitals and there being an erection
or lubrication.
Now the thing to remember
about the physiological response of arousal
is that it can even happen in a situation of non-consent.
The current theory about this is that it is your body
preparing itself for sex as a protective measure
to cause your body less harm.
The reason I bring this up is because we cannot rely
on signs of arousal to indicate whether or not somebody
is mentally into it.
For example, someone with a vulva could become wet
during an assault, but that does not mean
that they like what is happening to them.
It is their body protecting them.
So that brings us to sexual desire
which is psychological.
And desire is wanting to have sex.
And it's also called your libido or sex drive,
although I have a whole video
about why desire is not a sex drive
and a sex drive doesn't exist.
But that's the lingo that the people use,
libido, sex drive.
So when we're talking about desire,
that's what we're talking about.
Now the type of experience of sexual desire
that we are taught about,
or that is just kinda like in the media,
and we just assume is the only type
of sexual desire is the, like,
"Oh my God, I'm so horny and I want to have sex now,
and I need a sexual release,"
but there are lots of reasons why someone
might wanna have sex or be sexual.
So yes, there is the wanting an orgasm or,
like, wanting some kind of physical release,
but then there's other things
like wanting to be close to somebody,
emotional intimacy, the desire to experience fun.
The desire could come from wanting to satisfy your partner
and making your partner feel good.
And then there's also some more neutral
or negative reasons such as being bored or feeling insecure.
Now this is a point where I'm personally a bit confused
and haven't made my mind up as to whether reasons
to want to have sex
that aren't to do with your own sexual gratification,
is that still sexual desire?
Like, you are desiring to have sex for X, Y, Z reasons,
but are any of those reasons sexual desire?
That is something that I'm still unsure
about because in a situation
where you want to have sex because you want to feel
emotionally close to your partner,
are you horny then?
Is there a presence of sexual desire,
or are they in fact all sexual desire?
Maybe it depends on personal experience and context.
Just a quick note on how arousal
and desire function together.
We often wrongly assume
that desire comes first and then arousal.
Like, I want to have sex, and then you're having sex,
and it's a good time.
However, for a lot of people, especially women,
arousal comes first and then desire follows.
This is called responsive desire.
And I have a whole video about it.
In short, if you feel like you have a low sex drive,
waiting around for desire to strike you randomly
is not (chuckles) going to lead to you experiencing desire.
What will is engaging in positive sexual experiences
and using them as positive reinforcement
as desire the next time
you might potentially have sex.
Like, "Oh, it was really good last time.
Okay, let me engage in this,
even though I'm maybe not 100% in the mood,
but then the arousal will happen,
and then the desire will come."
Next up is attraction.
And this is who you want to be sexual with.
I should have mentioned that with sexual desire,
it isn't directed at anyone.
Like, you can experience sexual desire
and want to masturbate, right?
And it can be fulfilled and satisfied in that way.
Attraction is directed at somebody.
And also to clarify for this video,
we're talking about sexual attraction,
not romantic attraction.
There is of course an overlap
with sexual attraction and sexual orientation,
but they're not exactly the same thing.
For example, I'm mostly heterosexual
which means that I am attracted to men,
but I'm not attracted to all men.
Only a select few.
So my sexual orientation is men. (chuckles)
My sexual attraction is,
like, maybe like a handful of men. (chuckles)
Some people don't experience sexual attraction
towards anyone or only in certain contexts or relationships.
And this is the asexuality spectrum.
And we will talk more about asexuality in a bit.
So now I want to talk about what it looks like when
these three things interact with each other
and when they don't.
And you know that this is serious
because I got my lab coat on,
I got my fake, dirty glasses on.
We have a Venn diagram,
and I've got a mini flogger.
So it's time to get down to business.
So this is my desire, arousal, attraction Venn diagram.
This is something that I made up.
I have no idea if anyone else (chuckles) has done this,
but I literally woke up in the middle of the night
and was like, "Oh my God, it's a Venn diagram." (chuckling)
And just started scribbling things down at,
like, two in the morning.
And here we are.
So in each of these lettered locations
we can see where these things are interacting
with each other.
Now we've gone over what each one is on their own.
So now let's start with desire and attraction.
So experiencing desire and attraction
at the same time is wanting to be sexual
with someone who you are sexually attracted to.
That's simple enough, isn't it?
But because we're here and not here,
the lack of arousal in this situation means
either you're not currently being sexual with them.
There is the wanting to be,
and you are sexually attracted to them.
Or maybe you are being sexual with them
but the physiological arousal response
just isn't showing up.
(Hannah groans)
So you could be mentally super turned on with someone
that you are sexually attracted to,
but you're just not getting hard,
or you're just not getting wet.
And you're like, "For fuck sake, body."
But this is completely normal.
Let's say that again. It's normal. (laughs)
It's even got a name.
It's called arousal, or genital non-concordance.
And that's basically where, what is going on up here,
isn't aligning with what is going on down there. (chuckles)
And that also brings us back to that point
where the presence of arousal
cannot tell us if somebody is into it.
Okay, so B, we have desire and arousal.
(Hannah humming)
So this is your body experiencing that arousal
and you want to act on it.
Or you fancy doing something and because of that,
then arousal occurs.
Either way around.
So B could be a masturbation scenario
'cause there's no attraction present,
just the desire to be sexual and arousal.
Or it could also be an asexual person's experience
because some asexual people
do experience desire and arousal,
but there is no sexual attraction.
Or it could still be a partnered experience
with someone who is alosexual.
Alosexual is someone who is not asexual,
who does experience attraction,
however, in this certain scenario,
you are aroused by and wanting to be sexual
with someone who you are not sexually attracted to.
It happens. (laughs)
It could be that this person
is just really good at a certain sexual act.
And you just really want to experience it with that person.
So that's the desire.
Like, you know they're really good at X, Y, Z,
and so you want to do that with that person.
And then there's arousal
there because they're really good
at it and it turns you on,
but you are not sexually attracted to them.
It happens.
Next up, we have C, which is arousal and attraction.
So in this one you are experiencing
that physiological arousal with somebody
that you are sexually attracted to.
But with there being no desire in the equation,
basically you don't really care about acting upon it,
give or take it going anywhere.
You're just enjoying the sensations.
You're fancy the pants (chuckles) off them,
but you don't really want it to go any further.
You're just like, "This is nice."
Do let me know if you have any of your own
examples for a potential C scenario.
But the one that I thought
of is that it could potentially be the kind of sex
that you're having if you're trying to conceive.
You just really not in the mood.
Like, you do not want to have (chuckles) sex,
but you feel like you should
because there is a bigger goal, purpose.
Like, you're trying to have a baby.
There is the attraction there, you would hope.
And then the physiological arousal
is kinda necessary for the penis and vagina sex
that you need to do for it to work.
You kind of need the arousal there,
but the desire doesn't necessarily (chuckling)
have to be there.
So this could be you're trying to conceive.
That's my interpretation, (chuckling)
slash, my experience. (chuckling)
Okay, and then D, smack bang in the middle
You are experiencing arousal and wanting to be sexual
with someone that you are sexually attracted to.
Here's the thing about D.
This is what we are led to believe
that all good sexual encounters should be,
when in fact the reality is,
and you can have just as satisfying,
and just as pleasurable, and consensual,
and wonderful, and fantastic sex,
and sexual experiences, and a sex life,
with just one of these, with a mixture,
you know, just like, some of them are absent,
some of them are present, who knows?
Maybe occasionally you get a D,
and that's great. (chuckling)
Oh my God.
(Hannah laughing)
But while society makes us strive
for this ticking all three of them off,
if you just have one present
if you just have two present,
it is all completely normal.
♪ Normal ♪
And also to add, everyone will have their own
personal Venn diagram that will look slightly different.
So you might have some circles that are bigger than others.
You might have some overlaps that are really big,
some overlaps that are really small.
You might even have one circle that is just,
like, completely separate and not related
to any of these other things at all.
And that is absolutely fine.
And honestly, I'm very curious if people
want to create their own,
like, sex (chuckling) Venn diagrams
and post them on social media,
please tag me because I wanna see that,
only if you want to though.
Maybe I'll have a go at creating my own.
This one was meant to be a perfectly equal one,
but who can draw freehand symmetrical circles?
Not me. Not John Green.
And just to note that there are psychological,
physical, relational, and cultural things
that can impact our ability
to experience desire and arousal.
And I have videos about arousal and desire
if you want more on that.
But now, out of the science lab
and into the game show studio.
Yeah, you heard me correctly.
Welcome to my
new game show. (jubilant music)
Is it sexual arousal, sexual desire,
or sexual attraction?
I thought we would play a fun game
to apply what we've learned in this video.
So what I'm going to do is I'm going to read
some scenarios that I have made up and you have to guess
whether it is describing sexual arousal,
desire, or attraction, or what combo of them.
Obviously, this is a prerecorded video.
So you may answer in the comments
and as we go along, see if you were correct.
Granted, it's all up for debate. (laughs)
So your all right already.
Scenario number one.
You're reading some romance fiction
and a raunchy scene happens,
and it makes you feel things in your genitals.
What is it? That's correct.
It's sexual arousal. Whoo. (laughing)
I'm a 29 year old woman just on my own
in my bedroom wearing a fucking ball gown,
(chuckles) talking to myself.
So yeah, that sentence
was only really describing sexual arousal.
However, it might lead to said person
wanting to touch themselves.
And then that would include sexual desire.
If they were finding themselves
attracted sexually to one of the characters,
then that could also be attraction.
So context.
Scenario number two.
You're bored and fancy a wank.
Yes, that's correct. It's sexual desire.
♪ Do, do, do, do, do ♪
How many more of these (chuckling) am I gonna have to do?
Scenario number three.
You get talking to someone at a party
and you think they're really hot.
You want to keep talking to them,
but you're trying not to stare at their mouth.
What is it?
So this one, in my opinion, (chuckles)
from my experiences, is sexual attraction.
Now depending on the person,
there may also be sexual arousal present.
Some people might feel arousal just from talking
to someone who they are sexually attracted to,
some people might not.
So potentially, some arousal.
And also, potentially some desire
if they want to be sexual with that person.
But they might not want to.
But that was definitely, in my opinion,
describing sexual attraction.
This game show is very limited
'cause I'm basically just pulling scenarios
from my own experience.
And I'm one person.
Scenario number four.
Your crush comes over for dinner and you think
tonight might be the night
that something finally happens between the two of you.
However, after dinner,
you're just feeling really full and really tired.
And you just want to sit and chat.
Yes, so this one is sexual attraction.
They are your crush.
You're sexually attracted to them.
However, there is no desire
and likely no arousal either,
but, hmm, you never know.
But yeah, you're not in the mood,
you do not want to have sex,
you're feeling tired, you're feeling full,
and you just want to emotionally connect.
Scenario number five.
Your partner puts on your favourite movie,
and cooks you an amazing dinner,
and listens to all of your worries from the day.
You know that they don't expect anything in return
but you kinda get the feeling that you
want to give them something that they might need tonight.
What is it?
♪ Do, do, do ♪
So this one is potentially sexual desire.
But it goes back to my question before,
like, if you're not feeling the horn, is it sexual desire?
Like, if the desire to please your partner,
does that still count as sexual desire?
I kind of feel like it does.
But it might depend on the person in this kind of situation.
This could also be a situation where the person is asexual.
They have a romantic partner
and they are sometimes sexual with them,
but they are not sexually attracted to their partner.
Or it could equally be a scenario
of someone who is alosexual,
not really in the mood themselves,
but their partner's been really nice to them.
So they're like,
"I'll give you a blow job 'cause you're so nice."
♪ Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding ♪
That's the end of the game show.
How did you do, did you get five out of five?
Let me know in the comments.
But like I said, they're really up for interpretation.
So I kind of feel like all answers
are pretty much valid here.
Thank you so much for watching this video.
I would love to continue the discussion in the comments
because I feel like every single individual
has a different experience of each of these things
and it feels different for everyone internally.
And I would love to open a dialogue
about that because it's so fascinating.
So if you are willing and happy to share,
I would love to hear from you in the comments.
I hope that you are doing well,
and I'll see you in the next video.
Bye.
(jaunty flute music)