Despite the industrial revolution, imperial conquest and international economics, there
are still some hunter-gather tribes that are essentially uncontacted, such as the Sentinelese
in the Bay of Bengal. This tribe is know for their hostility to outsiders, and it is strictly
illegal to attempt to contact them, because, among other reasons, they are not immunised
against diseases, but in 2018, Christian missionary John Allen Chau said “Nah, they just need
some Jesus in their life”, and so he paid local fishermen to bring him to the island,
and it went… well, as expected. “Do you have a moment to talk about our--”
Yeah, Chau unfortunately ended up getting himself killed, but the good news is he didn’t
go away empty-handed… he won a Darwin Award. A Darwin Award is an accolade given to those
who, quote, “improve our gene pool by removing themselves from it in the most spectacular
way possible.” But why am I mentioning the Darwin Awards (you might be thinking)? Well,
on the 20th of September, Area 51 is hosting what I’m calling “The Darwin Olympics.”
Beginning as a joke to search for extraterrestrial life, and developing into something that just
might happen, over 2 million people have said that they’re “going” to storm the top-security
military facility. And I’m calling the event the Darwin Olympics for obvious reasons. One
could say that the difference between the Olympics and the Darwin Olympics, is that
in the Darwin Olympics, the gun goes off at the end.
“Divert or you will be shot down!” “Alright, let’s go! Damn it!!”
So, in celebration of all things stupid, and in a vain attempt to capitalise on a trending
keyword, I’ve teamed up with Thomas Westbrook (Holy Koolaid) to create two videos; one that
very much deals with Area 51 (which you can find on his superb channel), and one in which
we challenge one-another to debunk the most craziest, hilarious conspiracy that we can
find. “Are you ready for this?” “Bring it on bro… F**k off!” “Oh, come on!
Haha, that’s amazing!” But to spice things up a little, we think that YOU should decide
which of us wins the category of “Most crazy conspiracy” and “Best Debunk.” This
is “Yes, They Can Stop You All!”
Alrighty, I’ll go first. The video that Thomas has challenged me to debunk is titled
Mermaid Body Snatcher, and, eh… see for yourself:
“I need more information about the deadly water spirit. I'm told of a more recent fatal
attack, that the whole community agrees, is the work of the water mama. […] “My husband
was lost. He was disappeared, going by-- going up the river.” “He'd made this journey
many times before.” “I was waiting for him, I spent one day, next day, nobody. They
found the boat now somewhere down the river. […] I believe that water mama took him away.
One of them mermaids, them carry he away.” “What does the water mama look like?”
“They are people, and they like a fish tail. And they have long hair.” “And what colour?”
“White people, white people’s skin.”
Yeah, that’s right… killer mermaids.
“Around the world, legends tell of ships wrecked, and sailors drowned, lured by the
irresistible beauty of mermaids.”
The entire five minute clip consists of a villager in Guyana, South America, making
extraordinary unscientific claims, whilst a British dude credulously listens as unskeptical
as humanly possible.
“But with no actual witnesses, I need to rule out any other possible explanations.
No sign of any fight?” “No” “Mkay.” “What's the water like there? Is it rough?
Is it deep?” “No, there's no we could say he drowned or he got deep water – the
water was very shallow.” “Mkay.”
Indeed, in and off itself the clip is absurd, but after doing my research, I find it to
be actually very misleading – and it’s for this reason, I would wager, that the comments
are so saturated with morons. The clip is evidently a segment from episode 10, season
6 of River Monsters, which is hosted by the angler and biologist Jeremy Wade. And the
premise of the show is genuinely fantastic! Wade traverses the world’s rivers to uncover
the true beasts behind mythological monsters.
“Over the years I’ve learnt that behind stories of fantastical beasts there’s often
a real flesh and blood creature.”
In fact, I’m surprised that I had not yet heard of it (it’s well up my street), especially
considering that it’s one of the most viewed shows on Animal Planet and Discovery channel.
But, hey! I’ve now got myself a new series to cane – cheers Thomas. Now, Wade strikes
me as a genuinely awesome person, and I’m already a fan, but I’m not letting him off
the hook that easily – his logic is often suspect, to put it nicely. For example, he
very frequently begs the question.
“If I can track her down perhaps she'll be able to give me some clues about the identity
of her husband's attacker.\2
Indeed, by saying that he’s looking for clues about the identity of “the attacker”,
he’s presumed that there was an attacker. And in case you think I’m being a bit nit-picky,
here’s another example of him committing the same fallacy:
“But the cast-off clothes tell me that whatever took him didn't pull him from his boat. It
waited until he was in the water, before it struck.”
By using language such as “it waited until he was in the water” Wade is presuming an
agent-based conclusion. It’s rather like when theists say “Who created life?” One
can’t just presume that it’s a “who” rather than a “what.” Another area in
which Wade’s logic is suspect, is how easily he discounts viable, plausible theories:
“Very puzzling indeed, this particular disappearance. Canoe floating down the river with nobody
in it but this pile of clothes. No sign of any scuffle, any disturbance, which seems
to rule out foul play.”
Except, it doesn’t, does it? Criminals VERY often clear up after committing a crime, for
the exact reason of removing suspicion of foul play. And it’s not like the Guyanese
have a vigorous forensic police force, is it? Given what we know, there is no way that
we can rule out foul play.
“The water there, calm, shallow, which seems to rule out drowning.”
But again, it doesn’t. Every year, five thousand people drown in the bath, for crying
out loud. All it takes is a moment of low blood pressure while standing up, an undiagnosed
condition, or a simple misplacement of one’s foot, and bam, one is face-first, unconsciously
in the water. What’s more, on top of these considerations, we should note that Guyana’s
ecosystem is notorious for having some of the world’s most ferocious marine predators;
such as Black Piranhas, which are known to tear chunks of flesh from victims and even
sever bone; Caiman alligators, which grow up to 15ft in length and are notorious for
killing locals; and Arapaimas, which grow up to 12ft in length, can weigh up to 450lb,
and swim at speeds of 30 miles per hour (AND their scales look a hell of a lot like how
people depict mermaids).
But I don’t want to give Wade too much heat, as he was making a documentary with the purpose
of entertainment. I will say, however, that his trust in personal anecdotes is a bit jarring,
but again, perhaps it’s all for show. Ultimately, Wade concludes that the monster behind the
folklore is most probably Arapaima, and I have to say, I share his conclusion.
“A river monster as deadly as any beast of folklore. And if you caught a glimpse of
something this size, colour, and shape, appearing on the edge of your vision, your mind could
fill in the gaps.”
And I especially appreciate him giving a nod to the phenomenon known as pareidolia. But
as for the specific case of the fisherman who went missing, I think it could’ve been
just as easily that he slipped, hit his head, drowned, and then nature relinquished what’s
hers, through the medium of piranha dance. In any case, Occam’s Razor tells us that
the chance of the cause being a half-fish, half-human, is remarkably unlikely. The existence
of such as creature would, for example, overturn and contradict centuries of anthropology and
biology, and it would’ve been nice if Wade, a biologist, would’ve hammered this point
himself. But again, the dude seems to me to be an absolute legend! So, over to Thomas,
and the... Flintstones! Good luck.
Hello my fellow apes, Thomas Westbrook here. Thank you so much, Steve, for letting me be
a part of this, and thank you, viewer for joining us. The title of the video Steve sent
me is: Did Dinosaurs build the pyramids. Let’s take a look shall we. “In 2013, archaeologists
discovered a hidden collection of papyri, documents written in ancient Egyptian hieroglyphs,
dating back 4,600 years. [...] Professor Nabir Al-Sammud says these documents reveal just
how the pyramids were constructed. He says the pyramids of Giza were built by dinosaurs.
(facepalm) Okay, he’s off to a really bad start considering that the earliest pyramids
were constructed 66 million years after the last dinosaurs went extinct (with the exception
of neornithine birds, that is), but we’ll keep watching. “Lending support to his claims
are images in ancient Egyptian art. Their art is known for its accuracy, particularly
in representing animals. It has therefore long perplexed historians, that the earliest
Egyptian art depicts these strange creatures. Called Serpopards, they only occur in ancient
Egyptian and Mesopotamian art. There is no denying that they bear a striking resemblance
to sauropods.”
Egyptians – known for their hyper realism – would never depict anything abstract or
odd. Ignoring for a moment their drawings of this lion with a crocodile face and Jackle-headed
Jerry over here – the serpopard is actually a portmanteau combining “serpent” and
“leopard” together. Serpopard?! “With their extended necks and swirling tails. Only
their catlike heads distinguish them from dinosaurs.” And their legs and paws, and
twisting poufy tails. If you take away their necks they look exactly like a wild cat.
“One of the oldest examples of Serpopard art, the Narmer palette, dating from before
3,000 B.C., shows them being reigned in by humans handlers. This suggests these gigantic
creatures were tamed by humans.” And this depiction of crocodile-face harvesting this
little beta cuck’s organs is proof that Crocodile Dundee hadn’t been born yet. This
is a depiction of legend. Egyptians didn’t tame dinosaurs and this jug-painting of Theseus
isn’t proof of Minotaurs.
“Then in 2014, another remarkable discovery was made in Egypt. The remains of a new type
of sauropod were found. Called paralititan, it was up to 90 feet long and weighed as much
as 70 tonnes.” And dates to around 95 million years ago. Seeing as the oldest pyramid in
Egypt was built about 4,650 years ago. The magnitude of this error is the equivalent
of calculating that the moon isn’t a quarter of a million miles away but is right down
the street next to your nearest Chuck E. Cheese.
“What better way to heave the massive stones to the heights of the pyramid’s peak, than
with the second largest dinosaur to have ever lived?” Ok, but good luck taming a gigantic
70-ton monster with a brain the size of one and a half walnuts that went extinct 95 million
years before you were born. It’s the 21st century, do I really need to point out that
the Flintstones is not a documentary?
Now up until this point, I’ve been addressing the claims put forth in this video, but this
video Steve sent me actually addresses and debunk this claim at the end of it. So props
to them. I honestly wasn’t expecting that. They point out that: “When researching this
video, we could find no evidence that Professor Nabir Al-Sammud really exists. The first mention
of him seems to have been in the World News Daily Report, a purportedly American newspaper
based in Tel Aviv, in Israel. It is often considered satirical and Zionist, and has
been accused of being fake news. It could well have created the character of Professor
Al-Sammud as a joke at Egypt’s expense.” He goes on to reveal that the man who actually
translated this Egyptian papyrus is Pierre Tallet, and according to him, there’s no
mention of dinosaurs in it whatsoever.
The sad thing is that I genuinely know young earth creationists who believe dinosaurs and
humans coexisted and that dinosaurs were domesticated and even brought on the ark (which is an even
easier crazy idea to debunk). But here’s the thing, just because we don’t KNOW beyond
a shadow of a doubt which method the Egyptians used to build the pyramids, it doesn’t mean
we don’t know that they built the pyramids. It wasn’t slaves, it certainly wasn’t
dinosaurs, and it probably wasn’t aliens either - but Steve and I will cover on that
topic over on my channel. For the sake of time, I’ll have to do a separate video breakdown
of all the things we do know about how the pyramids were built. But for now, thank you
kindly for the view, and I’ll hand you back over to Steve.
Cheers Thomas! It’s always a pleasure to work with you. So, which us chose the best
conspiracy for the other to debunk? And which of us did the best job in debunking it? Let
us know in the comment section below. Oh, in case you’re going to Area 51 to party,
however drunk you might get – however high – please don’t do anything stupid. But
whether you’re going or not, be sure to checkout mine and Thomas’ collab on his
channel dedicated to the event. There are indeed some weird things in Area 51. I’m
Stephen Woodford, and as always, thank you kindly for the view, and an extra special
thank you to my wonderful patrons and those of you who’ve supported the channel through
other means. Until next time my fellow apes, until next time!