♪♪
-Live from the Haywood Theater, it's Tim Williamson.
-It's only February.
And it's so cold.
February 2020 might be the longest month ever!
Am I right?
I don't do cold.
I'm like -- Right now, I want to hug as many people
as I possibly can to keep the body warm.
-This special was filmed in February.
We cannot stress enough, this was before the quarantine.
-Don't we love going to grocery stores?
[ Crowd cheering ] I love going to grocery stores.
I go for the free samples.
I don't care -- people putting their hands in there,
different people touching.
More flavor! Hey, free samples.
Why don't we cut out the middleman.
Just put the food directly into my mouth.
-We swear, this special was hilarious
before all the stuff went down.
-Going to the movies is a trip, man.
So much work on the movies.
Oy, you got to get dressed. You leave the house.
You've got to get the popcorn with the --
The prices of the popcorn with the up, up, up, up, up.
No, no, no.
Hey, look, we have infinite movies at home.
Our homes are movie theaters.
Except this theater has a fridge full of leftovers,
and I don't have to wear pants.
-Please, just try to put your head
where it was at three months ago.
-I will get on the elevator
no matter how many people are on it.
I'm not waiting.
I got places to go, people, okay?
So if that means my nose is in your mouth,
that's what needs to happen.
I'm so glad that there's not a mandated amount of space
that we need to give each other.
Like, I don't know. I'm just gonna spitball.
6 feet away from each other.
I'm just spitballing.
-Stop tweeting at us. We know.
-Speaking of spitballing,
why don't adults shoot spitballs at each other?
Spitball.
Why did that stop when we were kids?
And why do you have the ball at all?
Let's just cut out the middleman and spit on each other.
-Did he cause this?
-Anyone else looking forward to summer?
You've got Coachella. You've got water parks.
You got sporting events.
I'm at my happiest when I'm making my way
through a dense crowd full of strangers
just to get to a public bathroom
that we've all been using together.
Who's with me?
-Oh, come on. We forgot about that part.
-Why does Halloween come only once a year?
I want to wear a mask every day.
-Tim Williamson, "Right Next to You."
-When I'm in a Mexican restaurant,
I don't want Modelo. I don't want Tecate.
I don't want -- I don't know this language.
What do I need? Duolingo?
I want a [bleep]
And it doesn't even have to be cold.
Hot, hot [bleep]
♪♪ [ Cheers and applause ]