Sometimes in relationships, we're not real sure when something's going wrong. Our gut tells us
Okay, this is not right, but we don't have the name for it, and we don't really trust ourselves.
Sometimes, we start asking ourselves, “Am I too needy? Do I want too much? Are my expectations too
high?” And those things are all good questions to ask, but that's unless you're dating someone who
a gas lighter is. Now, gas lighters are difficult to pin down because their whole thing, their whole
idea, their whole intention is to make themselves look better than you. They lie to themselves. They
basically bring things up and manipulate in a way that it makes you feel like you're going crazy.
You're not sure and the problem with gas lighters is they're not really in a group of sociopaths or
psychopaths. Sociopaths and psychopaths can use this tactic, but it doesn't mean that this tactic
means they are one. It means that this tactic makes this person a manipulative, toxic person,
but when you're with them, you don't get that sometimes, until you're really in love with them
because they have such a way of manipulating you that oftentimes, their rhetoric is just what does
it. They'll say these things and these things are enough to make you just stop in your tracks and go
Maybe it is me. Maybe I am making a big deal out of anything, out of nothing. So, I’m going to go
through some of their common rhetoric. Now, don't be surprised if you think God, you know, I’ve
heard that a couple times in my own relationship. Because some of these are a little bit common in
relationships, I think people hear them on movies or they see them on the internet or maybe their
friends talk like this, but when you are living with a true gas lighter, you know it when you're
dating one. There's no mistake especially because you start seeing this is their rhetoric. This is
what they tell me. This is my life and when you start getting strong enough in that, that's when
you'll really see the difference. The first thing is they really like saying, “Let's wipe the slate
clean.” They say that because they love the idea of starting over. Okay, they know what
they've done to you in the past, but when they say that it appeals to you because you're like,
“Okay, so they're aware they're owning their part and they're wiping the slate clean.” No, that's
not it. It'd be nice if it was they're saying that because they're manipulating you to say,
“Yeah, maybe I was overreacting or yeah I guess I should forgive you. I mean, forgiveness is the
right thing to do.” Probably better you don't forgive them. Probably better you write that
phrase down and you start keeping track of how many times they use it and in what situations
they really love this and it puts you in a weak position because if you don't forgive them,
then you look like the person that is not willing to go the high road and extend grace or forgive
them once again. Okay, secondly, they love saying things like it's all water under the bridge.
The past is just water under the bridge. I didn't mean it or they'll come up with, “I’m
sorry. I’m sorry that happened. That wasn't my intention. You know that wasn't my intention.”
And for a second, you can start believing. Yeah, it wasn't things. Things do happen. Life does go
on and they love this phrase and you'll hear it a lot when you're with someone again. If you're
on the receiving end of this though, you're going to feel like if you don't let bygones be bygones,
that you're holding a grudge and everything you know about holding a grudge and the
people that do that, you don't want to be that person and so once again,
they're manipulating you with their rhetoric. The next thing I really don't know what I’ve done.
They hurt you and then they claim complete ignorance and they're like What? I wasn't serious
you can't believe me. I was teasing. I didn't mean that. There are numerous ways that they will fake
that didn't have any idea why you're upset about them. They just absolutely have no clue. I see
this a lot in therapy because when a couple is on the verge of splitting, it's very typical for the
other partner to say, “I don't know why you reacted. You've done as bad to me.” and then
they'll pull up things the other partner did, but none of those are the same because this
partner is using this as a manipulative tactic to try and undermine you or make you feel like
you're going crazy like you're not stable and if you're feeling like you're not stable,
more than likely it's because of this person's rhetoric. Next, they'll make a stance of saying,
“Well, one thing I won't stand for is lies or any untruths. I am very transparent.”
Now come on. When somebody's honest and we expect our partner to be honest, they don't go around
bragging about it. They don't have to because you trust them and you know they're honest, but with a
true gas lighter, they manipulate and so, they're going to be the first. They do it in meetings too.
At work, they'll be the first to go in and say, “Listen, I’m a godly person and the one thing I
don't do is I don't lie, and I don't stand for it. If one of my children is acting out, I pull them,
and I let them know you are not raised like that.” and you'll see this in family dynamics. Sometimes,
there's a brother or sister who will do this, who will turn a whole family against
this one black sheep of the family, and they'll do it with this very tactic. They'll rush the course.
They're the first to say how honest they are. Somebody must tell you how honest they are.
General rule, they're not honest and they're lying to you and they're manipulating you and this
is the case in point. Next, I have no idea what you're talking about. When you tell them
what they did that hurt you, they will make light of it. They're like You can't be mad at that. Come
on now. They're invalidating you. They're saying, “That's unfair. I was just kidding. That was
totally taken out of context. You're just being overly sensitive. This is insane.” And as they
say that, by this time, you are starting to feel a little insane. You're starting to really doubt
who you are and what you think and who this person is because this person will come back and they'll
say something sweet like, “I’m begging you. You can't believe this.” This would be crazy thinking
and you know what you probably are thinking Yeah, maybe I’m going crazy. I don't know. I
know what I’m doing, but it's so true and next they'll tell you, “Don't take it so personally.
Why do you take everything I say so personally? Some things just let them roll. It's not that
big of a deal. You're so sensitive. You react to everything.” You're reacting to everything because
this is a person you're building your life with. This is a significant person to you. You've given
them some of your power. You've been vulnerable with them. They're not validating how you feel.
They're not validating how they were reckless with something you said. They're telling you not
to react to it. They're telling you that you have no right to be hurt when they hurt you. When you
think of it, they're basically manipulating you to put up with this because they're telling you what
they think is important and they're in control and what you think is not important because you're not
in control. You're under their influence and I think lastly, they'll use gangs, or they'll say,
“I talked to so and so and they didn't feel that way.” So, let's say you really told them,
“I’m jealous of that person. I don't like that person around.” They will make up a lie and say,
“Well, nobody else feels that way. I was talking to our friends and they thought that was silly.
They knew I loved you. They knew my intention.” When someone uses that sort of rhetoric
rather than saying, “I am sorry. You are the last person I would ever want to hurt
and if you're uncomfortable with this person, then I’m going to stay away from them.” That's a
responsible person. That's someone you could love. The thing about gas lighters is they're charming.
They show up and they're really kind to the significant people in your life and the
significant people in your life begin to tell you that and so then you feel really mixed. Then, you
really don't know what to do at this point. It's good if you trust that one small voice inside you
saying Something is wrong. I am going to talk to a therapist. Talk to a therapist because a therapist
will recognize the symptoms right away and it may only take one or two sessions for them to
validate you to help get you stronger, to help you trust yourself again and to move forward. Without
this gas lighter, they're out there. I’ve met many and I’ve seen even more in my practice so beware.