-Welcome, everybody. Welcome, welcome, welcome.
Enjoy yourself. Welcome to "The Tonight Show."
Thank you for watching. [ Cheers and applause ]
Well, guys, yesterday was the first Sunday
of the football season, and, yeah, it was good.
You know, after eating and drinking for 11 hours,
I think I speak for all Americans when I say,
forget Labor Day.
This is the Monday we needed off.
Don't you think? [ Cheers and applause ]
This is Monday -- Wow.
That's right, yesterday was the first Sunday of the NFL season.
Yeah, there were 14 games and 400 commercials for DraftKings.
Yeah, there were so many DraftKings commercials,
the guy who got the most play time was Kevin Hart.
But this was exciting.
History was made last night as 45-year-Old Tom Brady became
the oldest starting quarterback in NFL history.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Yeah, at Brady's age, when he claps to get the snap,
all the lights in his house turn off.
You can tell Brady's getting up there
'cause he has to put tiny tennis balls
at the bottom of each cleat.
Yeah, at Brady's age,
the only false start he gets now is when he's peeing.
Look, guys, it was the first NFL weekend of the year,
and DirecTV's NFL Sunday Ticket website and app crashed.
Fans were upset, and many complained that customer service
wasn't helpful either.
Listen to this call. I think you'll see why.
[ Dial tone ]
"Jiggle the dish"?
"Jiggle the dish.
Jiggle the dish."
Meanwhile, in other sports news, the Cleveland Guardians were
playing the Minnesota Twins, right?
And at one point, the umpire checked the
Guardians' pitcher for a banned substance
known as "sticky stuff."
Sticky stuff.
And his search was pretty thorough.
This is real. Take a look at this.
-Well, it's one of those things where you have a guy
that goes to the hair so much.
-What?! [ Laughter ]
That's a bit much. -Wow.
And who says baseball can't compete with football?
You know what I'm saying? With that...
The umpire looked like he was a judge at
the Westminster Dog Show.
Did you guys see this?
Today, President Biden was in Boston delivering remarks on
the infrastructure law,
and then he started talking about airports
and he got pretty fired up.
Watch this.
-Today, not a single, solitary American airport --
not one -- ranks in the top 25 in the world.
The United States of America --
not one airport ranks in the top 25 in the world.
What in the hell's the matter with us?
-Whoa!
-Wow!
What?
Wow!
-That's comin' in hot for Grandpa Joe.
-Yeah, yeah. Right?
Then they called his boarding group,
and Biden was like, "Never mind.
Everything's fine. Alright, we're all..."
Hey, there's a new book coming out about
former President Trump, and it sounds like
during his final days in office,
he was thinking about refusing to leave.
Listen to this.
-Trump repeatedly told aides following his election loss that
he would refuse to leave The White House.
Trump quizzed nearly everyone around him
on how to stay in power.
Among those he reportedly asked, the valet who bought him
Diet Coke when Trump pressed a red button
on his Oval Office desk.
[ Laughter ]
-And if all else fails, Trump was going to keep
kicking his feet so staffers couldn't put on his shoes.
He's like, "I'm not leaving. I'm not leaving."
Speaking of Trump, apparently the former president
wants the government to help pay for a special master
to review the seized Mar-a-Lago documents,
but the Justice Department wants Trump to pay for it.
Great. Now they have to agree on a special master
to decide who has to pay for the special master.
Well, I saw that, this weekend, King Charles
was participating in a ceremony to mark
his official rise to the throne, and there was a moment where
he got a little testy over some extra pens on his desk.
Watch this.
-Noting that the king is signing "Charles Rex."
[ Laughter ]
-Every staffer was like,
"Well, this is gonna be a super-fun change.
Wow."
Get this -- people on the inside are saying Charles
is already dealing with quite a few problems.
For example, I heard that he can't decide what to do with
all the palaces left to him by his mother.
Kings -- they're just like the rest of us.
Apparently, his first order of business was
really stretching the definition of the word "problem."
It's definitely going to be weird seeing Charles pop up
on an episode of "Love It or List It."
Meanwhile, I read that all of Queen Elizabeth's corgis
are now going to live with Prince Andrew.
[ Audience "Awws, laughter ]
In response, one of the corgis said...
And finally, before we go on, I'd like to take a moment
to thank some of our sponsors for tonight's show.
They don't always fit in the commercial breaks,
and we always want to make sure that we mention all of them.
It is time for "Tonight Show Sponsors."
Here we go.
-♪ "Tonight Show Sponsors" ♪
♪ "Tonight Show Sponsors" ♪
[ Cheers and applause ]
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
Huh.
[ Cheers and applause ]
And finally...
That's all for "Tonight Show Sponsors."
We have a great show.