- I need therapy though.
(audience laughs)
I've reached that point.
I know it.
Therapy's a fucking scam.
About time I get scammed.
(audience laughs)
I'm ready to take my dollars.
I know I need it.
If I get left too long,
I'll be swinging a pistol on the highway.
(audience laughs)
I need...
It's reached that point there because a buck 78,
I looked it up $178. (audience laughs)
Therapy's $178 if I tell you my thoughts
in the appropriate setting.
That's the only time it's gonna cost me that.
(audience laughs)
If I talk to you and you got a couch and a clipboard,
I owe you 178.
However, if I just catch you loose at a Starbucks
and I just run up (audience laughs)
and I just tell you what's on my heart and mind,
guess who gotta take that home with them?
You, that's your problem now. (audience laughs)
It's off my chest.
You gonna think I'm fucking crazy
as you hold your unsalted peanuts you ain't pay for yet,
(audience laughs)
but that's not important to me.
What's important is my mental health.
(audience laughs)
I just one upped.
(audience cheers)
I just went up to somebody,
"Oh, my God, my daddy ain't helped me enough
in the third grade."
I was just like, "Oh, shit."
(audience laughs)
Am I supposed to do something?
"No, baby, this is therapy."
Thank you, that's that's all I needed.
So $178 in my pocket.
Those people you see on the streets that y'all call crazy
just yelling out their problems on Fifth Avenue,
they ain't crazy.
They frugal. (audience laughs)
That is responsible.
They know what they doing.
They got keys and shit.
They got an apartment.
They just came downstairs.
"I wanted to get this off my chest, baby."
(audience laughs)
"Ah, come one, they took everything.
Whoo, I feel better.
I'm good now." (audience laughs)
I'm fully aware I need therapy,
but that shit is expensive, man.
I got a bad temper,
trying to go over there and talk to him about my temper.
My temper's trash, man.
It cost me money.
My temper cost me some money already.
I was on a train playing FIFA.
I'm on a train, I'm leaning on a pole, chilling,
having a whatever day playing FIFA.
I crossed up a couple of players, beat them.
I passed the ball, homie got it.
It's just me and the goalkeeper.
I did uh, got him out the way, goalkeeper gone.
It's just me and the net.
All I gotta do to score is hit circle.
(audience laughs)
Got excited, I smashed the circle.
The ball flew over the net, I missed and instantly,
fucking anger just started bubbling.
This is what people don't understand about a bad temper.
They'll say dumb shit to you like, "Why would you do that?"
That's not how tempers work.
You don't get to choose and discern how it comes out.
It's stupid, it's just gonna come.
I press the circle, I missed, and instantly I bit my iPhone.
(audience laughs)
It's not a euphemism.
It's not no like hip hop term.
It's not no Gen Z shit.
No, no, no, I used my teeth and I bit my iPhone.
(audience laughs)
Bit my phone.
You didn't feel stupid.
You don't know what stupid feel like
until you spitting out shards of glass.
(audience laughs)
on a train.
That's a different level of, "I feel dumb as shit."
I'm just on the train doing (imitates spitting),
spitting out glass.
And I ain't see this shit coming.
That's the thing about a bad temper.
It shocks you, too.
I know, but it happens to the person as well.
There was this dude right in front of me, tall white guy.
One of them type of like them act like foreign whites.
Like, you know, like that's not from Texas.
That ain't from here.
(audience laughs)
That's not ours.
That's like dire wolf white, you know what I'm saying?
(audience laughs)
You came from the mountains.
This motherfucker was seven foot
just on a train like he belonged there.
(audience laughs)
Just big as fuck, like how the hell you get down here?
(audience laughs)
Just big dude, just he had
all the luggage around him, man luggage.
It looked like he was like riding back to JFK,
last day in America.
He's just enjoying himself.
Yeah, too much freedom.
He started subway surfing. (audience laughs)
He not holding on to the pole and nothing.
He felt, lool, he was like, "Yeah, baby.
(indistinct), I love this."
Ah, having fun.
And then I bit my iPhone
and I saw his entire everything change.
Grabbed the pole, this is why I got upset.
This fucker started pulling the luggage closer to him
as if I was gonna bite his fucking luggage next.
He started pulling the luggage.
Like, "Oh, my God, I didn't know they bite."
(audience laughs)
But here's the problem with stories, right?
That incident was our incident.
He watched my dumb ass bite an iPhone.
He don't know why, he just seen me do it.
I get off of my stop, go about my dumb day.
He's continuing to the airport.
That's not where this shit ended.
You see something crazy on the avenue, who you gonna tell?
The home girl, you gonna tell your friends, right?
He went back to Finland, the Netherlands,
(audience laughs)
whatever the fuck he from and he's like,
"Y'all not gonna believe what I saw in America."
(audience laughs)
They like, "What happened?"
I'm like, "Oh, my goodness, the hot dog's whatever,
burger's fine.
I've seen a black dude bit an iPhone.
Don't." (audience laughs)
Now you all go to Finland,
can't get an iPhone 'cause of me.
I had (indistinct). (audience laughs)
Bad temper run in the family, everybody got it.
Everybody with the last name Thompson,
bad temper, all of them
to the point where if a woman came up to me
and was like, "This is your son.
I'll take whatever test to prove it."
I'll be like, "Relax.
I'll just ask you one question.
Has that boy ever punched a hole in drywall, no?
That's not my son." (audience laughs)
That's how I know.
My dad's same temper.
Y'all, I'm a '90s baby.
I remember the '90s bubble coats.
There was something in the jackets of the '90s,
but it was extra fucking thick.
(audience laughs)
Y'all, I remember watching kids put the jacket on
and then they like the movement got restricted.
They couldn't move no more.
After you put the coat on, the baby just standing there
like, "What the fuck did you do to me?"
Bubble insulated, thick ass coat
like the ducks was thicker back in '90s or something.
(audience laughs)
Got dressed, I'm in school.
Dad comes to pick me up from school.
He's trying to do the zipper shit, the zipper got stuck.
Dad pops the zipper, temper just flare up.
He just pops the coat open.
Zip and shrapnel was flying
and fragments is going everywhere like a bomb went off.
And here's how my pops solved the problem.
Zippers just opened,
my jacket can't close, outside is February.
He just like, "All right."
He just closes the jacket with his hands,
closes both parts, and just suitcase carried his son
(audience laughs) through the hall.
I'm dead ass, y'all.
I'm just in my pop's hands, just like, "What the fuck?"
(audience laughs)
Just swinging through the hallways.
That's how I got dropped off in the car.
He just threw me in like, "Lucky ain't ya, atta boy.
Wheeling that shit.
I had a hard day at work."
(audience laughs)
Tempers, man.
It's a lot like I'm on the computer.
I try to like look up like, you know, meditation techniques
and try this to calm down.
Cold showers, all of this stupid shit.
The problem with the internet?
It's too free.
(audience laughs)
There's nothing to stop you from yourself.
You can Google whatever you want.
Ask anything, type whatever you want.
That's wrong.
(audience laughs)
Humans need judgment.
(audience laughs)
We shouldn't judge each other
'cause it's all of our first time here.
We don't know how earth work.
We just got here, but something should judge us.
You know how helpful would it be
if something just snuck up behind you and said,
"Ew," in your ears?
(audience laughs)
Like right before you gotta grow,
something was like, "Yuck."
(audience laughs)
It would help.
I bet you the gross GDP go up, all kind of shit change.
The products hitting through the roof.
I bet you, shit change.
It needs a feature, some type of function.
You just type in something freaky.
Right before you hit enter, the computer's like,
"Bro, go outside.
(audience laughs)
That's the third time today.
You didn't get to hit no more, stop.
(audience laughs)
Google something else.
You don't like ducks?
Look up ducks, man.
Damn.
Every time you type, you type titty.
You can't keep typing titty.
(audience laughs)
There's other keys on the keyboard.
Hit a few sometimes.
It's too much, too much porn.
It's too much on the internet.
It's too much, way too much.
The amount of porn categories that's out there is
somebody got to start deleting shit.
(audience laughs)
I seen a porn category called immigrant.
(audience laughs)
It didn't specify either.
It didn't say fit immigrants, freaky immigrant, nothing.
Just, they don't belong here in bold font.
That was it.
(audience laughs)
How did that become a need?
Who beat that big titty ran out of citizens?
(audience laughs)
How'd you do that?
That's like the last page of PornHub,
like ain't nobody from Puerto Rico or nothing?
Damn. (audience laughs)
Shit.
That's crazy, it's too much, I don't know.
I don't know.
Working on, it's a lot, bro.
Like I just try to like learn how to say I love you.
Took a long time to get to that point.
(audience gushes)
Well, it's just cause I didn't grow up with it.
I had moms, I had dads, sisters and all that.
We just tough it.
We Jamaican.
We don't hardly even, we don't say sorry.
Jamaicans don't say sorry.
We just get into a fight, wait six hours,
bring you fruit, and that's it.
(audience laughs)
Ain't nobody's saying sorry.
You just wait a couple of hours,
"Here's a mango, we good?
All right then.
The fuck you crying for?
Shut up."
(audience laughs)
That's how it work.
Me and mom, (indistinct) on that,
(smacks lips) "I love you, all right, I love you."
Y'all have ever seen bus drivers
like pass each other on different routes?
That's how me and mom would leave in the house
in the morning.
Like, "All right, great.
You better, baby, damn."
"My momma going to work, yeah."
That was it, it wasn't mwah I love you mom.
She ain't doing that dumb shit.
That wasn't in it for us.
We was different.
It's been a lot, so much going on
that I'm supposed to like process, change, care about.
I can't.
One of the things that perplexed me,
I'm a big fan of Marvel.
Love comic books.
That calls me down.
I'm feeling stressed?
I'm like, "Let me just go watch somebody
with blue fingers blow shit up," I love that.
That's all I need from movies.
Like when people would be like,
"Oh, that movie didn't have enough plot."
Shut up, a car blew up.
You're not happy?
(audience laughs)
You need more than that?
Motherfucker blow and his head is on fire.
You need more than that?
You need to know why he's on fire, uh-uh.
(audience laughs)
I love Marvel.
Yeah, I remember Luke Cage?
Luke Cage was my shit for a little bit.
When I started researching,
trying to find out the origin story
and who's Luke cage, how you get his powers,
black men went to jail, hit him with the shots
and then he started powering up
and he just popped out of jail.
Luke Cage's superpower is that you can shoot at him
and he just don't die.
That's his whole superpower.
As long as you shot them with small caliber bullets,
that's important, small caliber bullets,
Luke don't feel it.
It's like a policeman's wet dream, "Look, Fred.
He ain't dead, ain't that great?"
Pop, pop, "Look, still out on Twitter.
Ain't that something?
Wow, no hashtags here.
Up top, guys, keep your job, yeah baby, yeah."
That's this power shoot at him, he don't die.
So I'm like, how do you get what's this about?
Funny thing is if you look back
far enough in medical history,
there was a time where they believed
if you gave black people enough cocaine,
they become impervious to small caliber bullets.
So, basically, Luke Cage ain't a superhero.
He's just a nigga just high on coke
running through all of them.
(audience laughs)
"Whoo, I can't feel my face or these bullets.
I don't know."
That's it.
I don't know.
I didn't find it too loving nor impressive.
New president didn't give a about that.
I don't give a fuck.
Biden?
I don't think he know he president.
(audience laughs)
I think if you ask Biden fast enough,
like, you know, you do quick questions?
What you doing?
"I run "Deaf Jam"."
No you don't, Biden. (audience laughs)
You do not run "Deaf Jam".
You sure?
Music been slapping not a fuck.
(audience laughs)
What is wrong with this guy?
I voted for Biden, but I didn't really give a shit.
I'm more concerned with like fresh vegetables.
That's what I want in my...
When a president started talking about like,
"I'm coming to South side and I'm giving fresh veggies."
My supermarket only got the vegetables
you could find on a big Mac.
(audience laughs)
That's it.
Lettuce, tomato, get the fuck out my supermarket.
(audience laughs)
You know how long it took me to learn how to say quinoa?
(audience laughs)
I kept calling it kwinoa.
I've never seen that small ass grain.
I thought it was a small piece of rice.
I'm like, "Where the rest of your rice at?
Why this shit so small?"
I needed other grains.
I think they must've did a study sometime in this world
where they got like seven black people together,
gave them a steady organic diet, alkaline water,
and he just started to levitate and glowing,
keep changing color and they was like,
"Shut this shit down."
(audience laughs)
Never again, iceberg lettuce for the rest of their days.
I am not deal with no super niggas out here, uh-uh.
(audience laughs)
That's what happened too much kale.
(audience laughs)
I think that's how 50 survived all them gunshots,
high vitamin K.
(audience laughs)
He was the organic being.
(audience laughs)
All that vitamin K in his blood, that man just kept going.
(audience laughs)
It's funny, I got pulled over by cops
and they'd be nervous when they pull me over
and I never understood it.
Y'all got guns, bulletproof vest, backup,
a dog that listened to you, all kind of shit.
(audience laughs)
All kind of helpful stuff and they still be pulling up,
knocking on my window all nervous.
"He-he-hey, license," why are you stuttering?
Ah, you think I got kale in my glove compartment.
(audience laughs)
Take a bite and power up
and beat the shit out of all of you.
(audience laughs)
Y'all this has been fun.
Andrew D. Thompson, thank you guys.
I love you. (audience cheers)