( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪♪
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY! WELCOME BACK.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, TONIGHT --
TONIGHT, RIGHT?
IT'S TONIGHT.
FOLKS, TONIGHT, I'M SHARING SOME CLIP PACKAGES OF MY FAVORITE
MOMENTS FROM OUR QUARANTINE SHOWS.
AND YOU KNOW I SPENT WEEKS HAND SELECTING THE FINEST MOMENTS
MOST COVID-PLEASING JOKES AND IMPORTANT NEWS STORIES FROM THE
PAST YEAR TO CREATE FOR YOU THE PERFECT COMEDY MONTAGE SHOCKING
MY MY KNOWLEDGE LOG, BUT SOMETIMES, FOLKS, I WAKE UP IN
MY NEIGHBORHOOD'S YARD AFTER A BOX WINE BENDER, CLIMB INTO THE
HAMMOCK, PHONE THE OFFICE, TELL AN INTERN TO LEARN I MOVIE AND
THROW TOGETHER WHATEVER FLOATS THEIR BOAT TO MAKE THE NEWS
WHICH IS MY SEGMENT -- "QUARANTINE-WHILE"!
QUARANTINE-WHILE, IN STORIES YOU CAN ASSUME HAPPENED IN TEXAS, A
DOG IN PLANO, TEXAS, SHOT A MAN IN THE LEG.
NOW, HE MIGHT HAVE BEEN A BAD MAN AND WE KNOW THE BEST WAY TO
STOP A BAD MAN IS WITH A GOOD BOY WITH A GUN!
WHO'S GOOD BOY!
WHO'S GOT A GUN?
YOU DO!
CHOO, CHOO!
APPARENTLY THE MAN HAD A PISTOL TUCKED IN HIS WAISTBAND AND HIS
PAW GOT STUCK IN THE TRIGGER, SHOOTING THE MAN.
THAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN DOGS AND CATS RIGHT THERE, CATS
DON'T MISS.
QUARANTINE-WHILE, TACO BELL IS TESTING ITS OWN MEAT
ALTERNATIVE.
I THOUGHT TACO BELL WAS A MEAT ALTERNATIVE.
IT'S MADE WITH A BLEND OF PEAS AND CHICK PEAS, BEING DOVED THE
CRAVETARIAN TACO.
PERFECT FOR ANYONE WHO THOUGHT WHAT IF MY LUNCH SOUNDED LIKE A
GWYNETH PALTROW CULT?
JOIN THE CRAVETARIANS, YOU WON'T BELIEVE WHERE WE PUT THE CHICK
PEA...
IT'S MY VAGINA!
( LAUGHTER ) ( SINGING )
♪ THE CAPTAIN CALLED ALL HANDS ON "LATE SHOW" ♪
SOON MAY THE WET MINERAL COME TO BRING US SUGAR AND TEA AND RUM.
ONE BAY WE'LL TAKE OUR LEAVE AND KNOW.
>> Stephen: MY YEARS ARE BEST WITH A TICK TOCK, SAY ALREADY
SONG, THIS IS MY DREAM, KIDS DOING INTERNET STUFF, I FINALLY
UNDERSTAND, HEY!
SOON MAY ANOTHER MEME COME, A STAFFER WILL SHOW ME AND I'M
SAY, UM.
WHAT IS THAT?
IT'S MAKING ME MAD.
THEY'LL SAY, WHATEVER DAD.
QUARANTINE-WHILE, ACCORDING TO A NEW STUDY, HORSES DON'T LOVE
SPECIFIC HUMANS.
THERE'S A LOT GOING ON NOW GUYS, DO WE NEED TO BE PUTTING EFFORT
INTO TESTING WHICH ANIMALS DON'T LOVE US?
WELL, NO CURE FOR COVID, YET, BUT WE HAVE DISCOVERED THAT
BUNNIES THINK YOU'RE KIND OF A PITCH.
QUARANTINE-WHILE, IN COLORADO, A SCIENTIST TAUGHT A.I. TO
GENERATE PICKUP LINES USING A LANGUAGE MODEL KNOWN AS G.P.T.3
TO CREATE A SQUAD OF COURTSHIP BOTTS.
SO HOW GOOD ARE THESE BOT-GENERATED COME-ONS?
BUCKLE UP AND BE PREPARED TO BE SWEPT AWAY AS I TREAT YOU TO
REAL A.I. PICKUP LINES.
( SENSUAL MUSIC ) >> Stephen: I'M LOSING MY
VOICE FROM ALL THE SCREAMING YOUR HOTNESS IS CAUSING ME TO
DO.
YOU LOOK LIKE JESUS, IF WE WERE A BUTLER AT A RUSSIAN MANSION.
CAN I SEE YOUR PARTS LIST?
YOU LOOK LIKE A THING, AND I LOVE YOU!
HEY.
MY NAME IS JOHN SMITH.
WILL YOU SIT ON MY BREAD BOX WHILE I COOK OR IS THERE SOME
KIND OF A SPEED LIMIT ON THAT THING?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WHEN WE COME BACK, THE COLBERT
QUESTIONAIRE GETS REVEALING ANSWERS FROM TOM HANKS, JOHN
OLIVER, TIFFANY HADDISH AND MORE!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪♪