- [Announcer] From West Hollywood, California,
the only news team that doesn't know
what's on the teleprompter before they read it.
Anyone who laughs or breaks loses points.
This is "Breaking News."
- Hello, and welcome to "Breaking News,"
the show where we don't know what we're about to say
and we aren't allowed to smile or laugh, I'm Jeb Bush.
- And I'm Marco Pubio.
Our top story tonight, Santa Claus is real!
He's been real this whole time!
The only reason you thought he was fake
was because your parents asked him not to come to your house
because they didn't love you enough.
- Santa made a public appearance
with his most trusted advisor, Rudolph,
to apologize for a controversial tweet in which he said,
"The best part of a white Christmas is the white part."
(Brennan sighs)
- (exhales) It's exhausting.
(Carolyn laughs) (orchestra hit resounds)
Mr. Claus claimed that he was the victim of cancel culture,
saying, "Joe Biden and the rest of the Democrat scammers
have made Christmas so soft."
He then made a point of showing everyone
that his sleigh still had a big, gas-guzzling V8 engine
and went on a long tangent about how mask requirements
reminded him of the Nazis.
- We can't be surprised that Santa is a reactionary.
Look at him, he's a big, old white guy with a crazy beard
who lives in the middle of nowhere.
He looks like he's about to take a dump in AOC's office.
The press conference ended abruptly
when he referred to Blitzen as "fruity."
- All in all, a shocking display from Father Christmas,
Old St. Nick, Kris Kringle, Saint Nicholas of Myra,
which is actually the historical saint
that they believe Santa Claus was based on.
Sinterklaas, that jolly old elf, Santy Claus,
Fred Claus's brother. (Mike laughing)
What the, what's the call him in the fucking...
- Papa Gigio!
- Yes, the Italians refer to him as Papa Gigio.
- Mr. Freeze.
- And Victor Freeze, that's correct. Yes, absolutely.
- If I may editorialize, I was shocked by Santa's behavior.
I've always thought of Christmas
as a time-honored celebration
of a young woman named Mary's virginity,
and I hate to see it sullied in this way.
- I know it was always your favorite holiday.
Aside from that, though, in descending order,
what are your 25 favorite holidays?
- New Year's, Thanksgiving, Fourth of July, Memorial Day,
Black Friday, Black Thursday, Black Wednesday,
Black Tuesday, Black Monday,
Black Saturday, Black Sunday, that's 11.
Mike Trapp's birthday, Brennan's birthday,
Alfred's birthday, my birthday, Pizza Time,
Ronald McDonald's Fun Day, Sunday Funday,
Tuesday Boozeday, Wednesday the Middle Day,
and that's 20, right?
Oh my God, five to go.
New Zealand Independence Day, Canada Day,
fucking Colombia's Independence Day.
Presumably they have one.
And Brazil's Independence Day and Portugal Day.
- Tough break for Thanksgiving.
(Brennan, Carolyn, and Alfred laughing)
- Very interesting that you didn't say my birthday.
- I did, but I'm sorry.
- We've broken it! (Carolyn cheers)
We busted this fucking show wide open!
- Yeah, fuck you, "Breaking News!" Anarchy!
Happy birthday.
- It would mean more if you sang to me.
- (gasps) I will! - Okay, but remember,
the song "Happy Birthday is copyrighted
so you'll have to make up an Applebees-style birthday song.
- Okay, gladly.
♪ Brennan's birthday is all day ♪
♪ That we all can celebrate ♪
♪ Brennan, Brennan, lord of all ♪
♪ Ginger man who is kind of tall ♪
(crew laughing)
(crew applauding) (crew cheering)
- I am just kind of tall.
- Yeah. - Yeah, for sure.
Thank you, now with weather, here's Gilchrest Savoy,
the wealthiest man of 1906.
- Greetings and salutations.
It is I, Gilchrest Savoy come to prognosticate
and prophesize upon the weekly dews and drops.
The fiercest westernly zephyr will begin post-haste
and carry with it thunder and squall.
The yowling caterwaul will vociferate nigh
on three days hence, after which we can expect
a gentle dawning of that sweet red morn.
- Mr. Savoy, you were a man of great wealth in your time.
I wonder, how did you go about making your fortune?
- (laughs) In my experience, young lady,
fortunes as vast as mine are happened upon, not made.
Lady luck came to see me, with apple-red cheeks
just as rosy as your own, and she blew me a kiss of gold.
- Now, what does that mean?
- Cheap Chinese labor built my railroad.
- I see.
- (clears throat) Mr. Savoy, is it true
that you used 1906 technology to build a time machine,
and that's how you find yourself here today?
- It is indeed.
Chock-a-block with whirlygigs and sprockets,
I set my sextant upon tomorrow
and trip the light fantastic towards horizons unknown.
- Where in time will you travel to next?
- I will go to the very end of the Earth itself,
Why, a time when the Sun is but a glowing red orb
in the sky and all life has ceased to exist.
I, a lone man, will stomp upon the wasteland
that lies before me and think back at the follies of man
and how we got to this place.
I expect it to be in about five years from now.
- Mm-hmm, and after that?
- Well, it's very funny you should ask.
After that I will move to the time before life,
before all life existed on Earth,
but yet there were still oceans.
Oceans and rock as far as you can see.
A strange Earth that you've seen before,
one that looks very familiar and yet there is no life,
not even bones, not even algae yet present,
and I will march upon the land and say,
here was Savoy Gilchrest, or perhaps Gilchrest Savoy,
whatever my name was.
- And seven more times.
- Ah, I'm very glad you asked that.
After that my next stop will be, of course, the War of 1812
'cause I can barely remember what it was about
and I think it would be good to have a refresher.
After that, I guess, let's say 12 years in the future.
Just seems like a nice round number,
see what's going on over there.
I wonder if we'll have flying cars yet.
My sources say no, but I expect maybe.
After that we will go to 20 years ago
and I'll visit my younger self and tell him
of all the horrible mistakes I've made in my life.
Now, how many visits do we have left?
- You have four more to go.
- Great, then I'm just gonna go to France right now.
Why change anything? (Brennan laughs)
We have medicine and stuff now. Just go to France.
- One of your time travel locations
is France right now. - Is France.
- Yes, France is lovely. Why wouldn't you go to France?
You think France is better 20 years ago, 50 years ago?
We've got great technology now.
They're doing wonderful things.
The food scene there is incredible!
I say France right now, and I'm not changing that answer!
After that, we're going to go to Australia
on my favorite holiday, Brennan's birthday!
There everyone's going to celebrate Brennan's birthday
in the only way they know how,
will a good old g'day and a shrimp on the barbie.
And how many more visits do we have left?
- Three. (laughs) - Three more visits!
Well, that means that we are gonna go 100,000 years
into the future and we're just gonna see
what the fuck's going on there.
I bet humans won't be around anymore
and there'll just be weird, little crab creatures
scuttling around like in H. G. Wells's classic,
"The Time Machine."
After that, we will go to (sighs) I guess tomorrow.
Let's just go to tomorrow. Why not?
Let's see what's going on there.
I'll follow myself around and I'll be like,
I'll just kinda mock myself
stepping like one step behind me the whole time.
Be a real fucking head trip for me, Gilchrest Savoy
or perhaps Savoy Gilchrest, I don't remember.
After that, we're gonna go to, I don't know,
oh, let's just say Victorian times.
Everyone likes that fucking shit.
(Carolyn laughs) (Brennan exhales)
- Very good. Will we need sunscreen this weekend?
- What is sunscreen?
- We turn now to Mr. Gizmo with some great ideas
for at-home science experiments to do with your kids.
- Thanks, Fap.
This past year has been tough on curious young minds.
If you got some kiddos at home
who need a little science in their lives,
try making a baking soda volcano.
(Carolyn gasps) Okay.
Ooh, fun! (Carolyn gasps)
The kids can build a volcano out of paper mache,
and all you need to make it erupt
is a little baking soda and vinegar, just like this.
- They didn't spring for the prescription goggles, huh?
- Yeah. Okay! (explosion resounds)
Ooh.
Dude. (laughs) (Carolyn laughs)
The kids will love it. (Mike chuckles)
So do I still do it?
Now here are five more experiments to do with kids,
and an explanation
of the complex scientific principles behind them.
Uh, science baby.
Paper mache, glue, water, paper makes it stop.
It stops movement. That's one science thing.
Hit up my boy, Chrest Gilroy?
Gilchrest Savoy! - Savoy for time travel.
That's a whole experiment. Just hit him up.
Call him on the phone. Find his number.
Baking soda, vinegar without volcano.
Who knows what'll happen? Crazy, right?
Put it in your hands. Will it sting?
I don't know. (Carolyn giggles)
Light your house on fire. See what happens after that.
It's more a socio-economical experiment for your family.
Try a backflip without experience.
(Carolyn and Brennan chuckling)
And of course you can show your children
the greatest experiment of all, a parent's love.
- Thanks, Mr. Gizmo.
That's it for us here at "Breaking News."
Before we go, we'll tell you that tonight's loser is me.
As punishment, I have to improvise more tweets
that might have gotten Santa canceled.
Okay, love to get milk from big titty bitches.
(Brennan and Alfred laughing)
(Brennan exhales)