[Music]
welcome to the killcount where we tally
up the victims in all our favorite
horror movies
I'm James a Chinese and today is my
birthday mofo
I'm diving deeper into the 30s with that
three one son in honor of this special
day I'm gonna be looking at a special
movie bloody birthday which came out in
1981 I have a fondness for a certain
type of horror movie ones that are
naturally schlocky sincerely shoddy and
unceasingly interesting I'm talking
about gemstones like sleepaway camp
which is a fever dream of bizarre line
deliveries ice cream man where a kid
runs around with a pillow under his
shirt for most of the movie anybody
wanna bite and blood rage which is both
unexpectedly violent and a depiction of
the strangest human behavior you've ever
seen one of my biggest fears is that
there are no more movies like those out
there for me to see so boy was i
relieved when I discovered bloody
birthday bunny birthday is a no budget
killer Kid movie directed by Edie hunt
who had previously made some softcore
porn and an alien documentary and who
would go on to write in direct let's see
here 8 1996 windows cd-rom game called
the Jungle Book the New Adventures of
Mowgli that's right Lottie says the
entire jungle is counting onion what the
director liked that bloody birthday
could easily just be your
run-of-the-mill slasher with a bunch of
kills and gratuitous nudity and it is
but it's also got heart dammit since the
killer kids are played by some killer
kid actors sure it may not have the most
graphic murders or the most interesting
plot but this movie does have Curtis and
that's good enough for me so join me as
I blow out the candles and unwrap the
kills and bloody birthday
[Music]
the movie begins during the great
California leaf gale of 1970 lost a lot
of good leaves that day we did there's a
solar eclipse taking place which even
this hospital doctor stares that without
protective eyewear but maybe he'll be
fine
this seems less like an actual eclipse
that they film and more like a bunch of
pictures from a science textbook
dissolving to one another as the Eclipse
takes place three separate women give
birth though we only hear about it and
voice over dialogue birthing scenes are
just too big budget I guess a week shy
of a decade later a couple of horny
teenagers named Annie Smith and Duke
Benson are making out hard against the
tombstone in a cemetery
the only sexier place then against a
cold gravestone is inside a freshly dug
grave
so these teens continue their cemetery
sexytime six feet under until dirt
starts getting shoveled onto them and
the guy gets a shovel to the freights
twice actually Andy gets a jump rope
around her neck
choking her out and when Duke tries to
save her he gets a couple more shovel
slacks they're buried underground
maybe while still alive along with the
jump ropes handle that the assailants
never saw break off the next day a cop
comes to the elementary school since
everyone knows that's the best place to
find murder suspects and to mold
obedient citizens the job of the police
is to protect people and help them in
fair trouble now I know that little
bastard
looks like a full-on narc but trust me
when I tell you please that Curtis is a
stone-cold Jean don't fuck with Curtis I
mean it Oh kid you fucked with Curnutt
big mistakes we've actually seen her
toises kid actor Billy Jane on the kill
count before little man was Brett Kamber
the kid who owned Cujo Curtis is one of
the three kids who were born under that
Eclipse another is Debbie this human
porcelain doll who's the daughter of the
cop up there whose name is sheriff Brody
yeah really oh and the third kid is
Steven but he's not nearly as cool as
the other to step it up Steven they all
get anxious when they see Debbie's dad
has their jump rope handle and they stay
after class together to talk to their
teacher miss Davis played by Susan
Rosberg daughter of Lee Strasburg
sometimes known as the father of method
acting in America what the hell is she
doing in this movie the kids asked miss
Davis if the class can be excused from
homework next Monday on account of it's
their birthday but I guess they didn't
ask with enough sincere emotional
expression just because you all have the
same birthday doesn't mean that you're
special
oh we special all right lady special
crazy they're also special pervy with
Debbie hosting peep shows for the boys
only a quarter now y'all she lets them
stare through a hole in her closet and
her sister Beverly played by Julie Brown
who would go on to write produce and
star and earth girls are easy where she
also sang a song from her EP goddess in
progress called Kazama blah
[Music]
Julie Brown was a pretty successful
comedian in the eighties which is why
it's so weird to see her here in a role
that mostly consists of this very
extended strip sequence yeah Wow it goes
on for so damn long that Curtis has to
put more money in the meter
looks like the investment paid off for
then the red meets up with her friend
Joyce so the two of them can walk around
looking like they in the OG Halloween
their stops by Sheriff Brody who tells
them to follow a curfew earning him some
mockery from his daughter that dates
this movie hard won more than twenty
years maybe Oh jack sheriff Brody
continues on home where his other
daughter Debbie is jumping rope but
that's not all she's doing she's also
straight-up plotting don't fall for a
man little girl's got a skateboard on
the oh never mind you good he says that
Debbie's jump rope is missing a handle
and as she distracts him with an evil
smile Stephen jumps out and bashes him
with a baseball bat I think you're gonna
need a bigger bat kid
Oh nope never mind you did shit maybe I
shouldn't have undersold Stephen dudes
obviously the muscle of the groom still
Curtis is the brains who directs them to
position the body by the stairs for
their cover up Debbie yells that her
daddy fell and all in all this would be
the perfect traumatizing crime if not
for a witness in the form of Joyce's kid
brother Timmy who randomly saw it happen
watch our back now Tim there's a funeral
for sheriff Brody with all the kids in
town and as her dad is lowered into the
ground
Debbie silently plots with her fellow
Eclipse kids to take care of Timmy the
witness to their crime their plan
involves a game of junkyard
hide-and-seek and Kurtis acting like the
ruthless some a bitch he is don't copy
our hiding place well shoot
[Music]
using the tried-and-true again
bok-bok-bok technique Kurtis convinces
Timmy to get into an old ice box then
promptly locks the kid inside surely
triggering many a parental fear with
that mission accomplished
there's only one thing for Kurtis to do
in a moment like this strut no Steven
what's up my man
Timmy gross sweaty and desperate in the
ice box which is probably starting to
seem worse than that haunted house his
parents bought in Amityville eventually
he's able to unscrew a metal slab and
use it to unlock the door from the
inside
using the strength given to him by that
Mickey Mouse watch Timmy
finally succeeds and earns a triumphant
fanfare for his escape
[Music]
that time the music was actually in the
movie that wasn't me as they make a
scrapbook of their murder victims the
Eclipse triplets and clip slits mock
their teacher miss Davis whose full name
is Viola Davis yeah really
the next day Kurtis walks into the
school kitchen packing and miss Davis
pays for thinking it's just a prop gun
when Curtis shows her he ain't playing
he shoots her in cold blood and the
teacher collapses onto some sponges that
kind of looked like blocks of cheese
yeah let's clean up this murder scene
nice and Gouda with those cheeses
squeegees kids while walking home from
school that day timmy is invited into
Debbie's tree house could we get a
parent out here turns out Debbie didn't
have any medical plans in mind though
she was thinking more along the lines of
mail dad but a ringing foam warts her
plans and Timmy pieces out none the
wiser better luck next time in little
monsters a forged know purportedly by
her brother Timmy lures Joyce out to the
junkyard where she spied upon by a junk
car driving giggity there goes this
ghost needs a hand to get the car going
but together Curtis and Steven are able
to drive around trying to run over Joyce
it's the best junkyard horror scene
since some dog piss brought Freddy
Krueger back from the dead although it
does sound like Lori Weston and also
maybe the kid actors had to do their own
stunts for there was a car and there was
really no child safety anything it was
low-budget it was different back then
well I'm glad they ended up okay
Curtis is nearly able to masterminded
Lee kill Joyce without even being behind
the wheel but instead she dodges at the
last minute and sends this actual car
driving over this actual wedge holy shit
that was awesome no seriously that was
one kick-ass action scene especially for
a movie with no budget I loved it that
night Curtis plays Dirty Harry in the
mirror and even does a half decent gun
twirl before sneaking out his window and
going to shoot some kids he sported
during his first attempt so he sleeps
through the streets in his jumpsuit and
tries a second time at the window of
Joyce and Timmy's house this attempt to
was caught
dressed and the poor kid has to walk out
of the bushes and move to plan C which
is apparently to shoot some teens
looking to fuck around in the back of a
shaggin wagon now I should probably
mention that during this whole movie
there's an astrology thing going on but
even though it's a persistent theme I
don't think most of the scenes are
important just know that it serves as
some kind of explanation for the Eclipse
looks and why they're so deranged
because there was an eclipse the day she
was born but the Sun and the moon were
blocking Saturn so there should be
something missing from her personality
why because Saturn controls our emotions
in the way that you treat people cool
back to Kurt the floor he climbs all up
onto that van hood and pierced through
the windshield payday once again
uncomfortably lengthy lovemaking scene
that guy just put her boob in his mouth
fuck Adam Seth was this eventually
Curtis knocks on the ban and murders
both the teens when they open the door
the naked dude gets a bullet to the head
and the naked lady gets shot twice
off-screen its mother fucking birthday
time which means Curtis is entitled to
some cake mmm nice please now blow out
the candles you three damnit Steven get
in there man step it up Steven this
party has everything presents for the
birthday kid cake you can eat off of
Mighty Mouse plates a juggling clown who
can't say no the party's even attended
by the guy who delivered these kids that
Eclipse stare a doctor who's played by
Jose Ferrer in an even more what the
hell's he doing here roll so there was
the first Hispanic actor to ever win an
Oscar for his role in 1950s jurado de
Bergerac three decades later he's doing
this in a big brain evil mastermind move
curtis goes inside and decorates the
desserts with extra frosting getting
joyce to believe that he's poisoned all
the cakes what did you do this results
in a cereal cake bashing and a claim
that Curtis is a confectionary stabber
to the adults are skeptical towards
Joyce though and to prove his innocence
Kurt's all like what this frosting right
here mmm no poisonous speak up it's just
sinfully high in calories Joyce's
accusation leaves
looking kinda crazy meaning curtis has
successfully gas-lit her a little
bastard while looking for some missing
nail polish beverly brody finds her
sister's little psycho diary with
pictures of the movies for victims so
far hey Debbie you've got to work on
your denial skills little lady beverly
burns that book like an offended PTA
member causing debbie to call for
reinforcements come on over right away
and bring Stephen yeah but do you really
need Stephen I guess not cuz Debbie
takes things into her own hands and uses
a bow and arrow to lure Beverly up close
to the peephole between their rooms
when Bev's fully peeping through that
whole Debbie lets loose and kills her
sister with an arrow to the eye you know
you've got to appreciate how neat and
tidy these little murderers are can't be
that bad and the kid who does their
chores
Debbie's cleaning accomplices arrived to
help her take care of the latest mess
they leave Beth's body out by the trash
and after Debbie tells her mom that the
bloodstains are just nail-polish why
she's all queered forehead smooches what
eventually beb's found and another
funeral is held and the emotional damage
to mrs. Brody
Lancer at Meadowvale General for a while
that means the kids are home alone at
Debbie's house when that kid who talks
shit to Curtis in class earlier starts
throwing rocks at her windows or some
shit the Eclipse let's run out to chase
him down the streets of Glendale and
it's actually a pretty solid J scene as
far as chase scene starring
nine-year-old self he helped Curtis oh
you look so flies you wrong man the evil
kids catch up to and try to strangle the
other kid with a garden hose and even
though joy spines and reprimands them
Curtis has already got this base covered
go ahead and call the sheriff after what
you do that birthday party No thank you
crazy
the kids return to their tree house and
paste Joyce their next intended victim
into their scrapbook and even though
Joyce's standing in the garage
sharpening a pair of scissors she
apparently doesn't suspect anything
when Debbie comes by and asks her to
babysit her that night keep them
scissors close girl
Joyce leaves the scissors behind when
she and Timmy go to Debbie's house that
night with Tim fast asleep and Joyce's
hearing blocked out by those ear cams
they don't notice when Debbie what's in
her bloody birthday bro
take up the phone mine and take aim with
that handgun but Timmy wakes up and
cries out saving his sister's life we
then get jump rope strangling little
girl base target practice and Fire poker
javelins all while Goldeneye sound
effects play Kurtis and Debbie continue
trying to shoot at and strangle their
foes but Joyce and Timmy managed to
escape into a bedroom and fortify the
door behind them when that little wiener
Steven muscles his way through they just
splash him with a fishbowl and stuff the
kid into a locker god dammit Steven get
it together man
Kurtis finally corners them in the
living room but after a dozen or so
shots his revolvers finally out of ammo
meaning it's time for a boy fight hold
the baby buster Shore Joyce and Timmy
fucking hogtied Curtis as Debbie sneaks
out the patio door she intercepts her
mom on the way home from the hospital
and blames Curtis and Steven for
everything that just happened mrs.
Brodie sees the police arrive and
frosting her daughter's innocence drop
we turns around and drive straight out
of town that means only Curtis and
Steven get arrested for their crimes but
let me tell you something fam I've been
Curtis is gonna be just fine
doing time the movie ends with Debbie
and her mom on the lam travelling under
aliases and trying to keep their noses
clean now on I'm gonna be your good
little girl oh that's nice you know what
I really think I can trust you on that
one
Debbie after all hey wait a minute
what's this dead body back here god damn
it Debbie can you please just go one day
without murdering someone one day how
many candles got blown out and bloody
birthday let's find out and get to the
numbers from me how I shouldn't have
[Music]
eight people died in bloody birthday and
with four male victims and four female
victims everyone got an equal slice of
this birthday cake charge I can call the
k-chart it's my birthday
fuck off with the runtime of 85 minutes
that left us with a kill on average
every 10.6 three minutes I'll give the
golden chainsaw four coolest kill to
Beverly Brodie
none of these deaths were all that
graphic so I think I've got to go with
the arrow in the eye - almost ready for
lamest kill we'll go to the naked lady
in the van who was shot to death off
screen and that's it
bloody birthday came out in 1981 eight
years before yours truly popped out into
this world on Friday is sinister - but
until then I'm James age knees this has
been the kill count thanks a lot for
watching my extra birthday kill cap I
want to thank some patrons like Don
doofy Mia Zack Phelps Tanya you nearest
Martinez Michael Dawson and Kelsey
Morgan since it's my birthday I guess
I'll do my annual ask for you to follow
me on social media at dead meet James on
Twitter and Instagram do it more
followers will give me I don't know
maybe you want those fucking check marks
finally that'd be a nice birthday
present Twitter thanks everyone be good
people