- How do you reject a man that you're not attracted to
without crushing him?
The answer to this can really set you free
in your relationship life
and allow you to really open up
and start dating people that will actually lead you
to the one that you are attracted to
and the one that you want to be with.
Check it out.
(gentle music)
Hey there, my name's Mat Boggs,
and I am the founder of the Love and Relationships Division
here at the Brave Thinking Institute,
where our mission is empowering people to create
and live a life they love.
And that includes your love life.
So if you like this video,
I encourage you to click the little subscribe button there
and click that little bell,
because every week we bring you videos to empower you
in your love life.
And today, we are talking about how do you reject someone
that you're not attracted to in the nicest way possible
that doesn't crush them
so that you can really free yourself up
to being able to date.
I had a coaching call recently
and this was the woman's question.
And she was saying,
"Look, I am way more afraid of hurting somebody else.
I'm way more averse to that than I am getting hurt myself."
You may resonate with this.
That was exactly my story.
I would try to, before I even asked a woman out,
before I even approached her,
assess my level of interest in them,
and whether or not I thought that that relationship
had a chance at going the distance
before I even talked to her
because I was so afraid of possibly hurting people,
possibly rejecting them.
Now on one hand, what an egotistical position to come from.
Like I wasn't even thinking about her rejecting me.
I was thinking about, what if I reject her?
'Cause I knew I could take it.
I could take rejection,
but it was the crying
and the, "Oh", that I was really, really afraid of.
And there were a couple spiritual principles
that really helped me move through this.
And when I moved through this
and really began believing in people in a different level,
it opened up my heart.
It opened up my ability to give love a chance.
Because what happens is,
when you're so afraid of rejecting somebody else,
and vice versa, if you're so afraid of getting rejected,
you never actually take enough chances
to give love a chance at really sprouting and blossoming.
You think about an orange tree or an apple tree, right?
The seed for more apple trees is found where?
Within the apple.
And how many apples does an apple tree produce?
Does it just produce one?
Does it only give itself one chance to reproduce
and have more apple trees?
No, you'll look at an apple tree,
it's chock full of apples, every single season.
Meaning, it's giving itself lots of chances.
And we could learn something from nature in this regard.
Giving yourself lots of chances,
knowing that just like an apple's
not every Apple's gonna grow into an apple tree,
they're not all meant to,
not every relationship, not every interaction,
not every date is gonna grow into the full blown marriage
or relationship that you want,
but it's not meant to.
What if every interaction served its purpose?
What if every little micro relationship
even if it was a few dates to a few months
was serving a purpose,
helping both of you grow into who you were meant to be?
What if actual rejection wasn't something
that even though it was painful in the moment
was bad for them,
but was actually serving them or serving you?
So here are a couple of ideas that can really help you
in moving forward and being able to reject someone
that you're not attracted to
in a way that doesn't crush them,
a way that feels the best it could possibly feel
for both you and them
and sets you free for being able to move forward
and go on lots of dates with lots of different people.
So the first one is a spiritual principle.
Step one is a spiritual principle called no private good.
And here's what this means.
No private good means,
it can't just be good for you
without also being good for him.
In other words, if it's not right for you to move forward
in this relationship
because you're not interested in this guy.
You don't have attraction for this guy, right?
It's not good for you.
It, therefore, means equally, it's not good for him.
Meaning, out there is some better good for you
and out there is some better good for him.
Know this, the most loving thing that you can do
is to set him free to find someone who is attracted to him,
to find someone who does think he is amazing
'cause that woman exists.
If it's not you, know this,
he deserves to be with that woman.
He deserves to call her into his life.
Just as he's gonna find her amazing,
she's gonna find him amazing.
You deserve to have someone that you're fully attracted to
and who's fully attracted to you as well.
So we often think we're doing someone a favor
by leading them on,
by going out with them and saying,
"Well, you know, at least I'm not crushing their heart.
They love me.
They're prioritizing me.
They're head over heels for me.
At least, I'll go out with them."
That's actually a selfish thing to do,
'cause you are preventing them from finding someone
who's gonna love them the way they deserve to be loved.
So step one is to realize that there is no private good.
If it's good for you to end the relationship,
it, therefore, is good for that person.
And then you combine with that thought.
There's no private good here.
The thought of this, the best is yet to come.
In other words,
if you knew that right on the other side of this rejection
was an amazing partner in store for this person,
how would you feel?
If you knew that right on the other side
of you being rejected
was someone even better still.
When we say, the best is yet to come,
it means someone even better still,
more sexy, more connected, more amazing,
a better fit, better compatibility,
even better stuff you knew that was in store for you,
how would you feel?
I've asked this question to hundreds of clients.
It's amazing what happens.
Even the ones who have just gotten rejected,
they hook into this idea and they say,
"Well, shoot better than that guy.
I really like that guy.
He was better than that guy?"
I'd feel excited.
I'd feel open.
I'd feel thrilled.
And you see their whole beingness change.
And that being often leads to a more expanded result,
calling in that person even faster.
So when you hold in your mind
for the person that you're gonna reject here,
you know what?
The best is yet to come for them.
You're holding that in them.
You're holding that image for them.
Your heart is holding that for them.
You're pouring love on them.
That creates an energy that softens the blow for them.
Now, getting rejected sucks, no matter when it comes, right?
It sucks for all of us.
But just because something hurts
doesn't mean it's not good for us.
When you're exercising and your muscles are burning,
just 'cause there's pain there, it hurts,
doesn't mean it's not good for your muscles.
Your muscles are growing.
They're becoming stronger.
The rejection that you're gonna give this man
or that you're receiving yourself
because it's two sides of the same coin here.
The same mentality that helps you reject him,
helps you when you're rejected as well.
That is making you stronger.
And to imagine it's making him stronger as well.
And so, thoughts, there's no private good.
The best is yet to come.
This is helping him be even stronger.
It's helping me be even stronger.
And then what you do,
now, let's talk about the process.
That's the mindset and the beingness.
What's the actual skillset?
What do you say when you're gonna reject somebody?
Here's what you can say.
Credit the lack of chemistry.
Some women make the mistake of giving him reasons
why she doesn't like him or that he's not a good fit.
Or women will say things like,
"Well, you're a smoker
and I don't really wanna be with a smoker."
And he'll say, "Well, I'll quit.
I've wanted to quit for years.
And you're the motivation for me to quit."
And then she's painted into a corner,
'cause the truth is it was bigger.
Your lack of interest in him is bigger than the distance.
It's bigger than the smoking.
It's bigger than any one habit.
It's bigger than any one thing.
At the end of the day,
the best thing to do is not give a bunch of reasons to him.
He doesn't need a bunch of reasons,
and simply credit the lack of chemistry.
And you could say something as simple as this.
Start out by affirming the things
that you have enjoyed with him,
especially, if you've gone on a few dates.
And then credit the lack of chemistry.
And you say this.
You're gonna say,
"Hey, you know, this is kind of hard for me to say
because I've had such a great time with you.
We've gone on really great experiences
and I've laughed, and I've really enjoyed our time together.
And unfortunately, I'm not feeling the romantic chemistry
to want to continue to pursue this
as a romantic relationship.
But I'm wishing you all the best in your search for love
and I'm hoping you find someone amazing."
That's it.
Short, sweet, credit the lack of chemistry.
You don't have control over the chemistry.
He doesn't have control over the chemistry.
He's gonna be disappointed,
but it's like taking off a bandaid, rip it off fast.
Don't just inch it off.
Rip that bandaid off fast and hold in mind.
The best is yet to come for him.
There's no private good.
He's stronger because of this moment.
There's some good inside the interaction
the two of you had together.
And as you set him free,
hold in mind that you are releasing him
to his amazing love story
as you're releasing yourself to your amazing love story.
And sure enough, the two of you will find someone amazing
who is a perfect fit for you.
My question for you is,
what have you found to be the words...
There's more than one, right answer here.
What are the best words you have found
to letting a man down easy
when you don't feel chemistry with him?
Go ahead and post that in the comment section below.
And know this.
I appreciate you.
I believe in you.
I know the best is yet to come in your love life,
and I look forward to seeing you soon.
Thanks for watching.
(upbeat music)