- I am very aware of my anxieties.
I don't like the pity party.
I don't like talking about when I like don't feel too well.
I don't know, I am a little nervous just being kind of open
about like what I struggle with and like making it known
to other people is a bit nerve wracking.
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I remember being really young,
I'd say like eight, nine, 10, like around that time.
And I remember having shortness of breath
and going to my mom and telling her that.
In hindsight, now I know that that was obviously anxiety.
I think being overworked and like being in the situation
that I'm in now is kind of what, like set it
out of control in a way.
I've had times where I feel
like I need to be rushed to the hospital because I'm,
I think that like my heart's failing
and I can't breathe and I need like someone to like help me.
Sometimes I think I'm dying.
Sometimes parts of my body will go numb
and it can be really, yeah, intense and scary.
I mean there is going to be those people
that say like, oh, okay
what does she have to worry about?
What does she have to be anxious about?
And I'll never sit here and say that I'm not fortunate.
I know I live a very privileged, amazing lifestyle.
I'm a very blessed girl.
I still have one of these, you know what I mean?
And that thing up there sometimes, like, doesn't always,
I don't know, it's not always like happy
and it's not always connecting.
And it's, I'm still a human being at the end of the day.
No matter what someone has or doesn't have, it doesn't mean
that they don't have real life feelings and emotions.
- As a psychologist in private practice here in Los Angeles,
I work with people with a wide like, sort of
so what you call a generalist, right?
So different people bring in different stuff.
But the one thing that I would say every single
individual that I've ever worked
with is brought in is anxiety.
One of the most important things I think
is to de-stigmatize all mental health issues,
particularly anxiety, because a lot
of people think they're alone with this.
- Like you kind of said everyone, I think suffers
from even if it's just a minimal amount of anxiety
but it is something when someone's like, oh my god,
I have anxiety about this,
like almost using the term loosely.
- Right.
- I know what that feels like.
And like you're using that term lightly
and I'm just like, ah.
- What you got to remember
is anxiety's on a continuum, right?
At the milder end, it's probably what these people
are saying, oh, I'm feeling this anxiety,
but they're getting through the day.
But when it jumps the line
and there's a point at which anxiety gets in the way.
It makes people more uncomfortable at work.
It makes people want uncomfortable in their relationships.
It makes people more uncomfortable out of the house.
They'd actually just as soon, stay home, then deal
with the big unknown and they're physically uncomfortable.
Their heart's racing.
They feel like they're crawling out of their own skin.
They feel sick a lot, everything's scary.
And when we get to that point, we call, we call it
clinically significant anxiety.
It's got a name, yeah.
- Okay, okay, cool, now I know.
- Now you know, it sounds like social anxiety
is something you had even before the pandemic.
- Before I was really overwhelmed, really overworked.
I was always around people and I kind of got really
overwhelmed with all of that, to the point where I was like
I need to like be alone.
Now, it's more like, okay, we've all been super isolated
to the point where I'm almost like so used to that, that now
that things are slowly opening up,
if I go to a dinner or if I see a few more of my friends
than I'm used to seeing throughout this last year,
that gives me anxiety.
- I'm going to give you an analogy.
Have you ever been scuba diving?
- No, I've been Snuba diving, it's similar.
- Okay, all right, so we'll build up on that a little bit.
'Cause when you scuba dive, if you come up too fast,
like you come from, you know 20 feet up,
you could actually get really sick
and that's called the bends and psychology is similar.
Well from this pandemic, if we go too quickly
from being locked in to throwing ourselves right
back out there, especially for people with anxiety,
they're going to kind of get the psychological bends
and they're really going to kind of get rattled.
- So you have to ease yourself into it.
- You have to ease yourself into it.
We're all learning our skills that we lost.
- I know, it's crazy.
- Social anxiety has a certain look to it.
And people who are socially anxious,
classically are afraid that not only are people looking
at them, that they're criticizing.
- Judging them.
- Judging them and that the socially anxious person feels
like they're doing judgeable things
or that they're making other people uncomfortable
merely by being there.
They're like, oh, these people are uncomfortable
because I'm so awkward.
What happens is over time, because that moment is so hard,
even before the person gets into the situation,
their heart is racing, they feel sick.
The whole experience of even being
with people feels so adversive,
it's easier to just say, nah, I'm not gonna go.
- Yeah, and this is all strictly like mental, right?
It's just everything that your brain is like.
- It's all here.
- [Kendall] You're just going down a rabbit hole.
- Yep, you're going down a rabbit hole.
- Wow, 'cause it feels physical is why I ask you that.
It's like, so I've literally gone to doctors because I'm,
that's how bad it gets for me to where I'm like,
something's literally wrong.
- Correct panic attacks are the sort
of the the brick of every anxiety disorder
or anxiety experience we see.
It's all a miscommunication in the brain.
Everything gets ramped up,
it's taking the signals from here.
You change this, you change this.
- I'm also a hypochondriac, which I don't know
if that has any relation to like, or if it's cousin
of anxiety or something, but I'm like
a massive hypochondriac so and that's also
something that has been a thing since I was really little.
- People who are anxious,
are always monitoring their bodies.
It's almost like a Roomba.
You're always sort of like wandering around in vacuuming,
vacuuming all these thoughts in your body.
And so if you can feel like a tiny headache,
like oh my god, I have, I have a tumor in my brain.
- Yes, that's me, that is me.
- Or I have some lung disease, I have to get it checked out.
Anxiety is like a magnifying glass
and it magnifies only the bad things.
Every little ping, every this and so in essence
- Oh my gosh, that is so true.
- What we're trying to do is take that magnifying glass
and put it to being a regular lens
because imagine, especially physical sensations,
because anxiety is such a physical disorder,
and so that's one thing I always want to tell people
is that they go together
and that as the anxiety starts getting pulled away
those hypochondriacal thoughts also start coming down,
'cause they're a nuisance and so I'm glad you mentioned
that because that's really an important thing for people.
- Well, you're literally, sometimes I'm bad at putting
my thoughts into words and you're doing it for me so.
- You're doing beautiful.
- These are some written in questions
from followers and viewers.
The first question, how do you open up
to people about social anxiety?
- Tell your nearest and dearest, like practice talk,
having the conversation with the people you feel
safest with, people will say, oh I did not know that.
And thank you for telling me because I won't push as much.
- I will support you and now I'm aware, right?
- Yes.
- Okay, next question, how should I handle anxiety
over a loved one who isn't being cautious during COVID?
Wow, I feel this.
- I've heard this from so many people.
If you have a healthy relationship,
you can explain your point of view and say, listen,
this is concerning me for all these reasons, okay?
If the person's still not meeting you halfway
like they're really are being difficult,
I talk about realistic expectations.
You're probably not going to get them to be mask wearing,
sanitizer doing, hand washing friend.
Then all you can do is keep your side of the street clean.
I want to, anxiety has gotten a really bad brand.
So I want to also like say something nice about anxiety.
Once upon a time, you know, the anxiety
is what made us survive.
The anxious people knew to say, tiger coming,
don't eat those berries,
it looks like something bad is happening.
Anxiety kept us safe to a degree
and people who are anxious are higher in this personality
trait called neuroticism.
People who are higher in neuroticism
are also sometimes a little bit more aware
of other people's stuff too.
- I consider it like a, like a beautiful thing in a way.
And I like that I am really aware of my body
and like my mind, I know it can sometimes get the best of me
but I think that I really, I like that I'm in tune.
And I like that I like, you know, want to know everything.
- Anxiety when it's sort of right
in that sweet spot is a little bit of a superpower
because it actually helps you keep yourself safe,
keep others safe and kind of keep you mentally on point.
So there's that perfect sweet spot
of anxiety where there's just enough where you're performing
at the top of your game and keeping,
so we want to get you, right there.
- Yeah, so we're asking all the doctors that I meet
for some tips and tricks that maybe the viewers can take
into account of their own life and apply to their life.
So if you have anything I would love to hear
for myself and for all the viewers.
- One of the best things, a person who is socially
anxious can do is prepare, that getting caught, coming late,
rushing, that doesn't feel good.
So be on time or be a little bit early.
- Oh my god, I'm such, I need to be on time.
If I'm not, I freak out.
- There you go, so if you can be on time
or be a little bit early
even if you're sitting in your car and you're like,
perfect, now I'm going to go in,
you're less frenzied and prepare.
Learn what you're getting into.
Like how many people are going to be there.
What's it going to feel like,
almost mentally rehearse it a little, that helps a lot.
So here's the second thing you can take away.
A lot of what can help people who are socially
anxious is to get good feedback from their audience.
So a great way to do it as sort of a three point plan
for how you can use your body.
It's uncrossing your, I'm going to uncross my legs, too.
Uncross your arms, okay?
Make eye contact and smile.
- Cute.
- When you do that, you disarm everyone.
And interestingly, when I first met you,
you did that right away and you put me at ease.
So I felt comfortable.
Whereas if I come in and you were just sort of distant
or aloof or remote, I would have felt anxious.
So that's a dance and that mirror dance becomes
really, you know it becomes really important.
- Well thank you so much.
I'm so glad I got to sit with you and I learned a lot today.
So thank you.
- Thank you, and I appreciate it.
I appreciate you sharing your story
because I'm always grateful when people talk
about their stories publicly.
So people can see they're not alone with this
because I think the hardest thing of all is to feel alone.
So thank you for doing it.
- It does definitely feel like a weight is lifted
when I, you know feel something and I hear someone else
saying, oh yeah, I get what you're feeling
or this must be what you're feeling, right?
And I'm like, oh my gosh, yes.
Like that's exactly what I'm trying to express.
And it's that comforting feeling of like, okay,
she's either experienced this herself
or she knows people that have experienced it
being a doctor who's seen a lot.
So it just makes you feel a little under,
it just makes you feel understood
and that's a really nice feeling.
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