♪♪♪ >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!
WE'RE BACK WITH THE HOST OF THE NEW PODCAST, HERE IT IS,
"FANTASTIC! WITH DANA CARVEY," MR. DANA CARVEY.
ONE OF THE THINGS YOU TAUGHT ME, I FREQUENTLY IMPART WISDOM FROM
DANA CARVEY THAT YOU GAVE ME TO YOUNG WRITERS AND COMEDIANS, AND
ONE OF THEM IS YOU HAD THIS RULE WHICH IS FUNNY WITH A SOUND OFF.
>> IF POSSIBLE.
>> Stephen: EXPLAIN TO THE PEOPLE WHAT FUNNY WITH THE
SOUNDOFF MEANS.
>> FUNNY WITH THE SOUNDOFF GIVES THE AUDIENCE PERMISSION TO LAUGH
IN AN UNBRIDLED WAY, AND WHEN YOU DO -- YOU KNOW, LITERAL
PUNCH LICENSE, THEY HAVE TO WAIT FOR THE PUNCHLINE AND THEY
LAUGH.
CASE IN POINT, I THOUGHT ABOUT THIS, WHEN WE DID THE FIRST JOHN
BOLTON ON YOUR SHOW -- >> Stephen: YES.
-- THERE IS A LOT OF WHAT WE CALL "I LOVE LUCY," THAT WAS THE
KIND OF ORIGINAL SHE'S PUTTING THE CHOCOLATES IN THE THING, SO
WE DON'T NEED TO WAIT FOR ANYTHING.
WE CAME BACK, BOLTON'S MUSTACHE WAS BIGGER AND YOU AND I WOULD
JUST NOT REACT TO IT.
>> Stephen: RIGHT.
O THAT WAS FUNNY WITH THE SOUNDOFF.
FIRM, THERE WAS QUITE A LOT OF LAUGHTER THAT NIGHT.
>> Stephen: BUT YOU'RE DOING THE PODCAST NOW AND THE THE
SOUND, THE ONLY THING YOU GET -- NO SOUND, NO FUNNY, HOW DOES
THAT AFFECT THE WAY YOU APPROACH >> WELL, THEN YOU GO BACK IN
TIME.
THEN IT'S LONG-TERM RHYTHMS AND LONG-TERM SORT OF RIFFING ON THE
HIGH SCHOOL WATER POLO COACH WHILE YOUR FRIENDS ARE STONED IN
THE VOLKSWAGEN BUG AND YOU'RE IN THE BACK SEAT.
SO NO ONE CAN SEE YOU BUT YOU'RE JUST GOING ON AND ON.
AND IN THE PODCAST WORLD, A LOT OF PEOPLE'S EARPLUGS, YOU'RE
JUST GOING RIGHT INTO THEIR BRAIN RHYTHMICALLY.
THAT BEING SAID, WE'RE TAKING A BREAK AND GOING TO PUT A LOOSE
VIDEO CAMERA ON THE SHOW.
SO THANKS FOR BRINGING IT.
FANTASTIC.
( LAUGHTER ) THE INTERVIEW IS GOING
ALTERNATIVE FACT SO FAR AND THAT'S A SINCERE FANTASTIC.
>> Stephen: I THOUGHT SO, TOO.
I DIDN'T MEAN TO UNDERMINE YOU.
>> WHAT?
>> Stephen: YOU'RE SO FULL OF WISDOM IN YOUR LIFE, YOU'RE
ALWAYS IMPARTING WISDOM.
I ALSO HAVE IMPARTED THIS TO PEOPLE -- YOUR THEORY AS TO WHY
HAVING CHILDREN AGES YOU RAPIDLY.
DO YOU REMEMBER EXPLAINING THIS TO ME?
AFTER THE CARVEY SHOW WAS OVER AND I CAME OUT AND WORKED WITH
YOU ON A MOVIE FOR A COUPLE OF MONTHS, YOU WERE LIVING IN A
HOUSE ON POINT DOOM THAT HAD BEEN OWNED BY LIKE AN
INTERNATIONAL ARMS DEALER.
>> YES.
>> Stephen: IT WAS ALL JUST LIKE GLASS AND GOLDEN SWANS
WHOSE WINGS WERE HOLDING UP TABLES AND --
>> SCAR FACE WOULD LIVE THERE, YEAH.
SCAR FACE WOULD HAVE LIVED IN THIS RENTAL, YES.
>> Stephen: AND IN IT ALL THESE GLASS TABLES HAD THESE
SHARP EDGES, AND YOU SAID YOUR THEORY WAS -- BECAUSE YOU SEE
DEXTER TOM COMING DOWN THE HALLWAY AND THEY BEGIN TO
STUMBLE, AND YOU PICTURE THEM GOING INTO THE TABLE AND BLOOD
EVERYWHERE AND YOUR ADRENAL SQUIRT BECAUSE YOU HAVE TO RUN
WITH YOUR SONS TO THE NEAREST HOSPITALS TO SAVE THEIR LIVES,
THEY RECOVER, DON'T HIT THE TABLE, AND THE THE ADENLEN IS
STILL IN YOUR BODY.
>> NOW I REMEMBER TELLING YOU THAT AND YOU GOT VERY QUIET AND
YOU SAID, I'M JUST GOING TO MY ROOM FOR A LITTLE BIT.
SO IT MUST HAVE AFFECTED YOU IN A VERY PROFOUND WAY.
>> Stephen: TRUE, I'VE THOUGHT OF IT EVER SINCE.
>> THE OVERACTIVE IMAGINATION IS NOT GOOD.
>> Stephen: T THE ADRENALINE NEEDS TO DO SOMETHING ELSE SO IT
DEVOURS YOUR KIDNEY.
>> CORRECT.
YOU REMEMBER HOW FASCINATED YOU MADE MY KIDS FEEL WHEN YOU WENT
INTO IS IT POOL.
>> Stephen: NO, I DON'T REMEMBER.
>> SO WE HAD THE SWIMMING POOL.
STEVE AND YOU, AT LEAST ON ONE OCCASION, WOULD GO TO THE BOTTOM
TO HAVE THE POOL, SIT INDIAN STYLE AND HOLD ON TO THE DRAIN
AND YOU WOULD STAY DOWN THERE.
AND MY SONS ARE, LIKE, FOUR AND SIX, THEY'RE LOOKING DOWN AND
GO, WHEN'S HE GOING TO COME UP, DAD.
HE'S SURE BEEN DOWN THERE A LONG TIME, DAD.
I GO, I DON'T KNOW WHEN HE'S COMING UP.
HE'S GOT A GILL OR SOMETHING.
YOU WOULD SIT THERE.
DO YOU REMEMBER THAT.
>> Stephen: >> Stephen: I VAGUELY REMEMBER
BEING SO ANXIOUS ABOUT MY LEVEL OF EMPLOYMENT WITH A WIFE AND A
CHILD THAT I WAS PROBABLY DOWN THERE TO HIDE FROM THE WORLD,
THAT THE WATER WOULD BURY ME.
>> ANYWAY, I WANT TO THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR COMING ON.
>> Stephen: I'M THRILLED TO BE ON "FANTASTIC! WITH DANA
CARVEY."
>> YOU WILL BE TORTURED AT SOME POINT.
I'M GOING TO HAVE YOU ON AND DIG DEEP.
NOW, WHAT'S NEXT?
>> Stephen: ARE YOU INOCULATED?
>> YEAH, I GOT JABBED TWICE.
I TOOK IT TWICE.
>> Stephen: AND TWO WEEKS SINCE YOUR LAST JAB.
>> PRETTY MUCH, I'M GOING TO SAY YES.
>> Stephen: YOU'RE IMMORTAL THEN, NOTHING COULD KILL YOU AT
THIS POINT.
>> I DON'T KNOW.
I MEAN, I DON'T REALLY BLAME MY FRIEND DR. FAUCI, BUT LET ME
TELL YOU SOMETHING, YOU KNOW, THERE'S VARIANCES, YOU KNOW.
LOOK, I DIDN'T WANT THIS JOB, YOU KNOW, IT WAS A
CIRCUMSTANCES, I AGREE.
IT WAS TRUMP AND ME.
GUESS WHO'S STILL STANDING?
ME.
OKAY.
AT FIRST I SAID DON'T HAVE A MASK.
NOW I'M SAYING HAVE A MASK.
I GO FREE.
DON'T PUSH ME.
I GOT TO BE HONEST WITH YOU, I HOPE IT'S OKAY IF IT GOES ON A
FEW MORE MONTHS, I GET A GOOD TABLE, PEOPLE LOVE ME, I GET FAN
MAIL, I GO ON CNN EVERY NIGHT, I FEEL PRETTY GOOD ABOUT MYSELF,
I'M GETTING FRICTIONY WITH MY WIFE.
IT'S A LOT DIFFERENT.
SHE WAS HAVING SEX WITH ANTHONY FAUCI, NOW SHE'S BANGING A STAR!
NOT MY MOST ACCURATE IMPRESSION.
>> Stephen: I WAS SURPRISED TO LEARN NOW DR. FAUCI IS ONE TO
HAVE THE MEN WHO MURDERED LUCA L KABRATSI.
>> I SAID, PICK A PATH AND DO THE IMPRESSION.
>> Stephen: YOU SAID, YOUR IMPRESSION DOES NOT HAVE TO
SOUND LIKE THE PERSON.
>> JUST THE FEELING.
HERE'S MY OR GIN ON MY FAUCI.
I READ ABOUT HIM IN THE BASKETBALL TEAM.
HE'S 5'4:00".
THEY SAID HE'S A ROUGH AND TUMBLE GUARD, ALWAYS FIGHTING.
I LOOK AT HIM, HE'S HEAD OF EPIDEMIOLOGY, SHARP ELBOWS.
I THOUGHT, UNDERNEATH THAT NICE GUY SANETIST HE'S KIND OF A
TOUGH GUY, DON'T PLEEP WITH ME.
YOU CAN DO WHATEVER I WANT.
FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART, STEPHEN, GO ( BLEEP ) YOURSELF
>> Stephen: DO YOU HAVE A BIDEN?
HAVE YOU WORKED ON YOUR BIDEN YET?
>> I HAVE SOME HOOKS.
>> Stephen: HE'S TOUGH.
WHAT'S YOUR HOOK?
WHO WANTS TO GO FIRST.
>> Stephen: I DON'T REALLY HAVE A HOOK.
I'VE GOT THIS 1/2 SMILE.
THAT'S IT, JACK.
COME ON.
EVERYBODY GET IN THE STOOD BAKER, ME AND JILL ARE GOING TO
TAKE YOU TO THE MALT SHOP.
COME ON, EVERYBODY ON THE TRAIN!
>> YEAH, THAT'S GOOD.
HIS VISUAL REMINDED ME -- BY THE WAY, THAT'S A FUNNY TAKE ON HIM,
BECAUSE THAT'S PART OF HIM.
I DO HIM AT THE TOWN HALL WHEN HE'S LIKE THE GENTLE FATHER TO
THE COUNTRY, AND HE LOOKS LIKE THE ALIEN WHO CAME OFF THE
SPACESHIP IN CLOSE ENCOUNTERS -- >> Stephen: YES.
FOLKS, COME ON, FOLKS, LET'S GET REAL, I'M NOT KIDDING AROUND
HERE.
YOU KNOW, WE GOT TO DO THE THING.
WE DID BARACK, WE DID THE DEAL, YOU KNOW, AND, UH -- MY DAD, YOU
KNOW, MY DAD LOST HIS JOB IN SCRANTON, NO JOKE.
NO JOKE, I'M NOT BEING A WISE GUY HERE.
HE SAID, POPS, WHY DID YOU LOSE.
HE SAID, JOEY, I DID.
MOM SAID THE COOKIE CRUMBLES.
HERE'S THE DEAL.
NUMBER ONE THE THING THAT THEY SAID.
NUMBER TWO, THE TWO PART.
FOLKS, THREE.
COME ON, I'M NOT KIDDING AROUND.
NO ROCKET SCIENCE.
HERE'S THE DEAL, COME ON, NOW.
HE TOLD -- HE KNEW, HE KNEW IT FLOATED.
HE TOLD BOB WOODWARD, JOANNE WOODWARD.
HE TOLD BOB REDFORD -- EXCUSE ME.
YOU KNOW, BUT, FOLKS, I CARE.
I CARE A LOT.
PEOPLE ARE SUFFERING, AND I DO.
AND MY MOTHER SAID, YOU KNOW, THAT'S THE WAY THE COOKIE IS.
THAT'S HOW IT GOES, THOSE PLACES.
YOU KNOW, WE CAN DO THESE SHOTS.
WE CAN IN FACT DO BETTER THAN WE DID BEFORE.
SO I DO THE SINCERE GUY.
>> Stephen: I LOVE IT.
THAT'S SO BEAUTIFUL.
>> GREAT.
BUT THERE'S A LOT THERE, YOU KNOW, IF YOU JUST DON'T WORRY
ABOUT THE FACT THAT HE'S 78, HE GETS A LITTLE CONFUSED
SOMETIMES.
IT DOESN'T MEAN YOU'RE ATTACKING HIM PERSONALLY.
BUT YOU HAVE TO ACKNOWLEDGE THAT, YOU KNOW, HE'S -- WE'RE
GOING TO TRY, WE'RE DOING THINGS, YOU KNOW.
YOU KNOW, COME ON.
HERE'S THE DEAL, LET ME -- LET ME JUST -- I'M NOT KIDDING
AROUND, NO JOKE, FOLKS.
MY DAD LOST HIS JOB IN SCRANTON.
I LOST MY DOG.
I'M NOT KIDDING, I'M NOT BEING A WISE GUY.
AND HE ALWAYS DOES THE LIST.
NUMBER ONE, THE ONE PART, NUMBER TWO, WHAT THEY SAID.
NUMBER THREE, YOU GET THE DRILL.
IT'S NOT PONY SOLDIER.
THAT'S NOT GOOD.
THAT'S WHAT THE PEOPLE SAID.
SO THAT'S WHAT I'M GATHERING FROM IT VISUALLY.
BUT, YEAH, IT'S A CHARACTER NOW.
IT WAS BIDEN.
IT WAS MORE OVER THE TOP THAN MY IMPRESSION, GO ( BLEEP )
YOURSELF!
HE SAYS IT DIFFERENT EVERY TIME.
>> Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE ANOTHER BREAK BUT DON'T GO AWAY.
WE'LL BE BACK WITH MORE DANA CARVEY.
♪♪♪