LET'S GET RIGHT INTO THE NEWS NOW.
PRESIDENT TRUMP'S LAWYERS WERE,& FIGHTING A SPP FOR TRUMP'S.
AND DURING HIS PROCEEDINGS ONE OF HIS LAWYERS ARGUED THAT THE
PRESIDENT COULD LITERALLY SHOOT SOMEONE AND NOT FACE PROSECUTION
IN THREE YEARS WE'VE GONE CHANGE COVER.
( LAUGHTER )
YOU, TRUMP'S LAWYER BROUGHT THIS UP IN A HEARING ABOUT TAX
RETURNS.
( LAUGHTER )
ASSUME TRUMP DID SOME PRETTY BAD THINGS IN THOSE TAXES.
( LAUGHTER )
THAT THE PRESIDENT COULD SHOOT SOMEONE ON FIFTH AVENUE IN NEW
YORK CITY AND NOT BE PROSECUTED.
IN RELATED NEWS, TRUMP'S JUST INVITED JOE BIDEN TO A
ONE-ON-ONE DEBATE ON FIFTH AVENUE IN NEW YORK CITY.
( LAUGHTER )
CONTINUED TODAY ON CAPITOL HILL.
I MEAN, THEY DID FOR A WHILE.
UNTIL AROUND TWO DOZEN HOUSE REPUBLICANS STORMED A HEARING
ROOM AND REFUSED TO LEAVE.
THEY WERE PROTESTING THE CLOSED DOOR PROCEEDINGS AND ENDED UP
DELAYING THE HEARINGS FOR MORE THAN FIVE HOURS.
I HAVEN'T SEEN THAT MANY OLD WHITE GUYS STORM A ROOM SINCE
APPLEBEE'S OFFERED HALF OFF THE SURF AND TURF COMBO.
THE DEMOCRATS DID EVERYTHING THEY COULD TO GET THEM OUT OF
THE ROOM.
BUT HERE'S THE THING-- THEY WERE TRYING TO GET THEM OUT OF THE
ROOM.
THEY DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.
IF THEY WANTED THE REPUBLICANS TO LEAVE SO BADLY, THEY SHOULD
HAVE JUST HELD A GAY WEDDING IN THERE.
THEY WOULD HAVE BEEN OUT OF THERE IN A SHOT.
AN EXPLOSIVE NEW TELL-ALL BOOK IS IN THE WORKS, AND THIS ONE
PROMISES TO BE MORE DETAILED, MORE REVEALING THAN ANY OF THE
PREVIOUS BOOKS.
IT'S HARD TO WRITE A GOOD WHITE HOUSE TELL-ALL WHEN TRUMP IS
LITERALLY TWEETING OUT THE MAJORITY OF HIS CRIMES.
( LAUGHTER )
WARNING."
AND AUTHOR IS A SENIOR WHITE HOUSE STAFFER WHO WILL REMAIN
ANONYMOUS.
I KNOW.
OOOOH!
I I BET THEY EVENTUALLY GIVE UP THEIR IDENTITY WHEN THEY REQUEST
TWFL WEEKS OFF FOR NOT A BOOK STORE.
WHOEVER WROTE THE BOOK STILL WORKS IN THE WHITE HOUSE.
SO YOU JUST KNOW TRUMP IS GOING AROUND ASKING EVERYBODY IF
THEY'RE ANONYMOUS.
ALTHOUGH, AS WE KNOW, FOR THE PRESIDENT THAT WORLD IS A
CHALLENGE.
>> AND ANOKISH-- REALLY, AN ANOMISH--
( LAUGHTER )
WARNING."
THAT'S WHAT IT'S CALLED.
I APPRECIATE THE EFFORT.
IT FEELS ABOUT THREE YEARS TOO LATE FOR A WARNING, DOESN'T IT?
I FEEL LIKE A BETTER TITLE WOULD BE "SEE?
TOLD YOU."
IN OTHER TRUMP NEWS, THE PRESIDENT HAS A NEW PLAN TO
ELIMINATE ALL OF THE NEGATIVE PRESS THAT'S AROUND HIM.
HE'S HAVING THE WHITE HOUSE CANCEL ITS SUBSCRIPTIONS TO BOTH
"THE NEW YORK TIMES" AND "THE WASHINGTON POST."
THAT WILL DO IT.
PROBLEM SOLVED.
DONE.
THAT'S HOW YOU HANDLE IT.
LA-LA-LA-LA.
IN A RECENT INTERVIEW TRUMP SAID-- AND THIS IS TRUE-- "WE
DON'T EVEN WANT IT IN THE WHITE HOUSE ANYMORE."
SOWHICH THE PAPERS REPLIED, "YEAH, WE SAY THE SAME THING
ABOUT YOU."
CAN YOU IMAGINE BEING THE STAFFER WHO HAS TO HAND THE
NEWSPAPER TO DONALD TRUMP EVERY MORNING?
LIKE, "HEY, BOSS.
YOU MIGHT WANT TO SCIPT MAIN SECTION TODAY.
CARS.
ISN'T S IT DRIVING THOUGH?
THEY'RE REALLY GONE ALL OUT ON THE FACT THEY GOT THEM TO DRIVE.
IS THAT DRIVING.
YOU LET ME KNOW WHEN THAT RAT CAN PARALLEL PARK ON THE FIRST
TRY.
THE RATS APPARENTLY WILL NOW LEARN THE NEXT LOGIC AL PHASE OF
DRIVING, EATING FRENCH FRY, PUTTING ON MASCARA AND OF COURSE
GIVING OTHER DRIVERS THE FINGER.
I AM HAPPY FOR THESE RATS, I AM.
ST GREAT THAT THEY HAVE LEARNED A NEW SKILL.
IT IS GREAT THAT THEY CAN OPERATE A CAR BUT I WANT TO SAY
THIS TO THESE SCIENTISTS, IF YOU TEACH THOSE RATES TO SING WHILE
THEY DRIVE, I WILL SUE YOUR ASSES.