WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW," EVERYBODY.
I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT, AND CHECK ONE'S CALENDAR BECAUSE
RIGHT NOW WE ARE 43 DAYS FROM THE INAUGURATION,
AND DONALD TRUMP CONTINUES TO FILL OUT HIS CABINET.
WATCHING TRUMP PICK THESE PEOPLE IS LIKE WATCHING YOUR NANA GET A
SPONGEBATH; YOU KNOW IT HAS TO BE DONE, BUT IT'S UPSETTING.
YESTERDAY, TRUMP NAMED SCOTT PRUITT, OKLAHOMA ATTORNEY
GENERAL AND SWORN ENEMY OF THE E.P.A., TO BE THE HEAD OF THE
-- WHAT'S THE WORD?
THE E.P.A.
I WOULD CHANGE MY PHONE NUMBER, OR ELSE HE'S GOING TO GET SOME
PRETTY ANGRY CALLS FROM HIMSELF.
THERE IS A TREND OF TRUMP APPOINTING PEOPLE TO HEAD THINGS
THEY'RE AGAINST.
I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO SURGEON GENERAL JOE CAMEL.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) STOP IT!
STOP!
( PIANO RIFF ) THIS IS THE NICEST AUDIENCE I
THINK THAT WE'VE EVER HAD.
VERY LOVELY PEOPLE.
SO WHAT KIND OF E.P.A. HEAD WILL PRUITT BE?
WELL, HE'S "REPEATEDLY EXPLAINED THAT HE THINKS THE STATES ARE IN
THE BEST POSITION TO REGULATE LOCAL INDUSTRIES."
MAKES SENSE.
IF MISSOURI DUMPS CHEMICALS INTO THE MISSISSIPPI RIVER, THEY JUST
TELL THOSE CHEMICALS, "REMEMBER, YOU STOP AT THE ARKANSAS STATE
LINE."
YOU'RE ON YOUR HONOR, OKAY?
NO FURTHER!
>> Jon: STOP AT THE LINE, BOY!
>> Stephen: LOOK, MISTER!
( LAUGHTER ) TRUMP ALSO APPOINTED W.W.E.
BILLIONAIRE AND WOMAN WHO'S ALWAYS IN THE FRONT ROW OF AQUA
AEROBICS, LINDA MCMAHON, TO LEAD THE SMALL BUSINESS
ADMINISTRATION, WHICH IS A NATURAL FIT BECAUSE W.W.E., OF
COURSE, STANDS FOR "WEE WITTLE ENTERPWISE."
( LAUGHTER ) ( PIANO RIFF )
I THINK IT'S GREAT THAT WE'RE BRINGING WRESTLING INTO THE
TRUMP ADMINISTRATION BECAUSE, WHEN THE JABRONIS IN CONGRESS
TRY TO BLOCK TRUMP'S AGENDA, LINDA'S GOING TO REACH FOR THE
FOLDING CHAIR.
( LAUGHTER ) DIAMOND CUTTER!
( CHEERING ) LISTEN UP!
( LAUGHTER ) FOR NOW, TRUMP'S STILL LIVING IN
TRUMP TOWER, WHICH IS COSTING THE CITY OF NEW YORK $500,000 A
DAY IN EXTRA SECURITY.
HE'S NOT EVEN PRESIDENT YET AND TRUMP'S ALREADY DONE THE
IMPOSSIBLE: MADE IT MORE EXPENSIVE TO LIVE IN NEW YORK.
( LAUGHTER ) TO COVER THE COST, MAYOR BILL
DE BLASIO HAS ASKED THE U.S.
GOVERNMENT FOR $35 MILLION, BUT CONGRESS SAYS THEY'LL ONLY PAY
$7 MILLION.
THE REST OF THAT COST WILL FALL ON NEW YORK CITY TAXPAYERS,
WHICH, FUN FACT, DOES NOT INCLUDE DONALD TRUMP.
( LAUGHTER ) AS FAR AS WE KNOW.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) ( BOOING )
WE DON'T KNOW.
>> UGH!
>> Stephen: THIS WEEK, TRUMP MET WITH MARK BURNET
TO START PLANNING HIS INAUGURATION, MARK BURNET,
THE REALITY TV PRODUCER BEHIND SHOWS LIKE "THE APPRENTICE,"
"SURVIVOR," AND "THE PEOPLE'S CHOICE AWARDS"--PEOPLE'S CHOICE,
TECHNICALLY THIS YEAR, WAS HILLARY CLINTON.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) DOESN'T MATTER.
STILL GOING TO BE PRESIDENT.
AND IN THE MEETING, BURNETT SUGGESTED INAUGURATION DAY START
WITH "A PARADE UP FIFTH AVENUE IN MANHATTAN."
WHAT?
NO.
WE JUST HAD THE THANKSGIVING DAY PARADE.
WE DON'T NEED TO WATCH ANOTHER BLOATED CARTOON DRAGGED DOWN THE
STREET.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THAT WAS A PRETTY GOOD BALLOON,
WASN'T IT?
>> Jon: YEAH, THAT'S A GOOD IMPRESSION, I LIKE THAT.
>> Stephen: IT'S A SKILL.
( LAUGHTER ) AND WHY HOLD A TRUMP PARADE HERE
IN MANHATTAN WHEN HILLARY CLINTON WON 87% OF THE VOTE?
THAT'S LIKE HOLDING A GAY PRIDE PARADE IN MIKE PENCE'S BACKYARD.
MAKES NO SENSE.
( APPLAUSE ) NOW, FOR SOME PEOPLE, IT'S BEEN
HARD DEALING WITH THE TRUMP VICTORY, BUT, IN THESE TOUGH
TIMES, IT'S IMPORTANT TO LOOK FOR INSPIRATION WHEREVER YOU CAN
FIND IT, WHICH IS WHY I AM LOOKING TO THE
MOST INSPIRING TEAM IN THE N.F.L., THE CLEVELAND BROWNS.
( CHEERING ) YEAH.
IF YOU DON'T LIKE FOOTBALL, YOU MIGHT BE A CLEVELAND BROWNS FAN
BECAUSE THEY ARE CURRENTLY 0-12.
THEY HAVE NOT WON A SINGLE GAME THIS SEASON.
SO, TECHNICALLY, I AM AS GOOD OF A FOOTBALL TEAM AS THE CLEVELAND
BROWNS RIGHT NOW.
( APPLAUSE ) WE HAVE THE SAME RECORD.
BUT HAVING THE WORST TEAM IN THE N.F.L. ISN'T GETTING THE CITY OF
CLEVELAND DOWN BECAUSE IT WAS ANNOUNCED YESTERDAY THAT PLANS
FOR A CLEVELAND BROWNS "PERFECT SEASON" PARADE ARE MOVING
FORWARD.
THAT'S RIGHT.
IF THE CLEVELAND BROWNS CAN MANAGE TO LOSE EVERY SINGLE GAME
THIS SEASON, THE CITY WILL THROW THEM A PARADE.
YEAH!
NEVER SAY DIE!
>> Jon: NOW THAT'S A THOUGHT!
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: IT'S LIKE THE OLD
SAYING GOES, WHEN LIFE GIVES YOU LEMONS, THOSE
LEMONS PROBABLY PLAY FOOTBALL BETTER THAN THE CLEVELAND
BROWNS.
THIS IS ONE PARADE I CAN GET BEHIND.
I'M ROOTING FOR THE CLEVELAND BROWNS TO LOSE ALL THEIR
REMAINING GAMES.
COME ON, FELLAS!
YOU CAN'T DO IT!
LEAVE IT ALL IN THE LOCKER ROOM!
AND THEN GO OUT THERE AND GIVE IT 10%.
♪ WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT.
OCTAVIA SPENCER IS HERE!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) BUT WHEN WE RETURN, WE'LL SHOW
YOU THE TOP REJECTED HOLIDAY CARDS.
STICK AROUND. WHOO!