I don't mind little white lies.
It's when you say things like...
big lies like, "Oh, I've got my own show on Net..."
That's true. I've got my own show on Netflix.
Hiya! I'm The Vivienne.
And I'm Baga Chipz.
And we are...
Queens Who Like to Watch
Today, we are watching
It's about a stranger.
Scary.
Yeah.
There she is.
-Beautiful eyes. -Gorgeous, isn't she?
Imagine she sat next to you, staring at you like that. "You the fucking police?"
You didn't have to stay with her when she told you she was pregnant.
I'm sorry, do I know you?
Think of me as a stranger.
She told you she was pregnant and then she lost the baby.
Who are you?
She lied, Adam. She made it up. She was never pregnant.
He's a good-looking bloke. I'd be shagging him all the while.
I'd have ten kids, never mind two.
I'd run DNA checks on your two boys.
Imagine finding that out.
Shit's hitting the fan!
I don't think I'd be as calm as he was. His head's fell off.
Imagine some bird comes up to you in Caffè Nero and says,
"Oh, them kids ain't yours and..."
I'd drop a bollock.
What's the worst lie you've ever told?
I told people I had a wooden leg in school.
-Did you? -Yeah.
We were in the queue. It was about Year 2 or something.
And I said, "Oh, this leg's fake."
Why? Well, I don't know why.
God, his head must be going ten to the dozen.
He's lovely, he is. I would just absolutely shag him on that bed.
He's on his wife's laptop, yeah. You're going down a rabbit hole, mate.
Oh, here we go.
"Super new! Fake pregnancy test."
Thirty-four quid for the test!
Have you seen that film? What's that film?
Hang on, pause.
What's that film?
Who was Daredevil? Ben Affleck.
-
Now, she went to all the trouble of draining a toilet,
getting a pregnant friend to piss in it,
so she could put it in a cup and dip it in.
On this website, she'd have cut that out.
Well, I don't know why she didn't just go to Poundland,
buy one, and do a bit of pink marker on it.
Just dip it in the Mersey. It always comes out positive.
-He never suspected a thing.
I know!
-Sorry I couldn't be there. -You were when it counted.
So that's a fake belly.
Fellas don't know what things look like, do they? They'll believe any old shit.
Probably not fingered her for four years. He's never gonna know.
-Can I have a word? -What?
-Garden. -She's gonna shit herself now.
Her knickers are gonna be full of shit,
and her arsehole's going like that, ten to the dozen.
-Lovely garden, though, innit? -Yeah.
What makes you think I faked a pregnancy?
I'd be like that with the laptop. Bang!
Yeah.
Show her the fucking receipts.
What are you even doing, looking through bank statements?
Hey, that money, you shouldn't have been hiding it.
I like them windows.
I'm starving. Shall we order Chinese?
Yeah, I'm starving.
It's a hard secret to keep, that, faking a pregnancy.
I only got three weeks and I got found out.
Did you? What, you pretended you was pregnant?
Yeah, trying to get money.
A policeman in Liverpool... I'll tell you another time.
What, as a bird?
Why is that so funny?
-Well, I thought they would be like-- -I'm very convincing.
"That's a fella. Fuck off. You're not pregnant. Get in the back."
Did they believe you?
All the fellas in Liverpool think I'm a bird.
What was you like? Was you just like, "I'm up the duff.
I can't get arrested, I've got a babe."
That's playing it too hard, you see. That's overplaying it.
Just walk around with a bump.
A proper one? What did you use?
Buy them online, where she got hers.
-You bought a proper one? -Yeah!
-Was you walking around with it out? -Yeah, maternity clothes and everything.
I walked around like that.
Did you have people come up to you, "When's it due?"
No, I was at theme parks, getting us to the front of the line.
Front of the line, early boarding on easyJet.
And what did you have on, a wig?
-Yeah. -And make-up?
-You had make-up on? -Of course! I'm a woman.
Did you have a pram? No, because it's not born yet.
I didn't give birth yet.
Got a hair on your chin.
-Oh, don't. -Oh, it's attached. That's it.
Oh, God. It's gone in my drink.
Bit of flavour.
That was a fucking tangent, innit?
Was any of that real?
-No. -No.
I thought you... Don't do that to me, because I will believe you.
That's what we want!
-Oh, I love dad bod. Do you love dad bod? -I've fucking got one, love.
I wish I had a dad bod.
I think mine's gone past that. I have a grandad bod.
When they're muscular but...
Who's she having murdered on the phone?
...they're just losing it, but they've still got it.
She's dressed like summat from
Oh, doesn't her bottom...
If you cover her eyes, she looks like her from
We all have our secrets, Adam.
Tracy.
Even you.
-Is it Tracy? -Rita.
Norris.
-Oh, look at her blow-dry! -Who's she?
Hi. This is Corinne. Leave a message.
-"This is Corinne. Leave a message." -"This is Corinne.
I'm just faking a pregnancy. Phone me back in ten.
Phone me back in nine months."
He's got a look of Hugh Jackman there.
-Wolverine. -Wolverine.
"Yam all right, Wolverine?" "I'm all right."
Where's Corinne? She's supposed to be there.
Corinne's probably faking another pregnancy or she's asking for a refund.
Sending that fucking fake belly back.
-"This was a waste of time." -Big belly.
Imagine the review on Google Review.
"This caused me fucking murder. My fella's found out."
And a divorce.
Corinne can't be here tonight. She's...
-She's unwell. -She's not well, I know that.
What the fucking hell...
-...excuse me - is happening? -...happened here?
Well, she's obviously gone somewhere or buggered off.
She might have popped to Asda.
It ain't like they've got a caravan up the road.
Might have gone to Rhyl.
I'd be knocking on his door. "You all right?"
I'd be a shoulder to cry on, and I'd be like...
Spilled this down my tits.
We need to know where Corinne is. No one wants to take this further.
-Oh, he's the police, look! -Oh, is he a policeman?
I thought he was just a designer.
A substantial sum of money's been stolen from the football club.
It's a kids' football club, innit? It's not fucking Man United.
He's saying thousands.
Is she a robbing cow as well?
Do you do that?
The phone numbers, I like phoning them in real life.
-And see who answers. -I haven't looked at mine.
It was a Chinese chip shop once.
Don't think I've ever looked at a phone bill. "Weekend. Peak calls."
-She got a good deal there. -07:58.
She's still on that phone? Oh, it's a flashback!
-She's shouting on the phone. -What's reality and what's flashbacks?
Bloody hell!
What?
Is she shagging him?
What's he got on her?
-Hey, mate. -You lied to me.
Look, his arse has fell out.
Guilty as sin.
-A stolen money thing? -Yeah, a stolen money thing.
Thought you were trying to lez off.
Because Corinne told me not to.
If they're the same age, fucking hell, he's had a hard life.
Why would she do this? We don't need the cash.
"I don't need the money!"
"I've got money!"
What's that, Grindr?
If she's going this fast, she must be in a car or a bike.
-Village bike. -I love the way the Irish say "bike."
I like how Scousers say "wine." I want a glass of wine.
A glass of wine. Black pudding.
Black pudding or summat.
-Fucking Donald Duck. -Black pudding.
I'm sure there's some rational explanation.
She hasn't jumped in the cut?
-What's a cut? -Black Country language.
Birmingham language for "canal."
-The cut. -Jumped in the cut.
Mum!
It's a very high bridge.
Is that the bridge Harry Potter flew over in that blue car?
Might be.
I couldn't be doing with all them steps. I'd be fucked after three.
Like them rides at Alton Towers where you have to go about 100 fucking steps.
It's here.
Why is her phone here?
She might have upgraded and left it there.
-Why is it there, Dad? -There's no reason to think that.
There's no reason to think she's jumped.
No reason at all to think she's jumped.
Make a wonderful town crier.
We'll find her.
Check Mothercare. She might be buying fake baby clothes.
There's summat going on here.
Everyone in this town's fucking at one.
House prices must be dropping by the minute in this city.
Well, it's just like
-And
If Jessica Fletcher walked in here, I'd be on the first flight out.
What's the
No, that's
I can't think of it.
-That's it! -That's it!
Go!
Accept the offer.
Oh, it's him off
Giles the librarian.
You expect me to just discard my home and my life?
He looks like he's from the Shire, like he's hiding the ring.
He does look like a Hobbit.
I thought I'd give you...
Look! I thought it was the fucking
They can't knock your house down without permission.
Chained himself to the railings.
It's like fucking Catherine Tate, this.
He's hiding summat.
Oh, what's going to fall out of...
What fell out?
-He looks guilty as fuck. -He looks suspect.
-It's a body. -No.
Bin bags.
But whose body is it?
I'm so sorry.
I don't know. It's all going on in this town.
For all we know, it could just be like cuts of meat.
-Black pudding, is it? -We don't know if it's a body.
Why put cuts of meat in a wall?
I've always wanted to be nicked, just to get one of them tracksuits.
Oh, yeah. You can get them from Primark.
You've seen photos of my wife, Natasha.
He thinks that woman,
that person in that black bag that fell out the roof is his wife.
Corinne. Well, you would do, wouldn't you?
Natasha has all these bags packed.
She tells me that she's leaving me.
Look, he's shaking like a shitting dog.
He's shaking with rage, isn't he? It's all coming back, like Celine Dion.
...is actually going, and I lash out.
I know how to hide a body.
Open up a wall,
put the body in the wall.
"Open up the wall, put..."
Don't the walls start stinking?
Well, no, if you wrap it up properly.
Vacuum pack, like you do with your dresses.
I gave up the force and threw myself into being a full-time dad.
Well, you're going to be a full-time dad if you kill...
"Threw myself into being a full-time dad."
You just killed your fucking missus, that's why.
"Threw myself into being a murderer."
Peter Ince, private investigator. PI by name, PI by nature.
He's a snazzy dresser, isn't he?
Dressed like he's going on fucking
David Walliams used to suck him off on
Remember the prime minister?
-Oh, yeah! -It's him.
Twenties, mixed race, attractive.
Oh, shit. She told me I had another child.
-Is that his daughter, the one with...? -I think so.
It's his daughter, not his daughter.
His daughter. What, it's whose daughter?
The fella whose house has fell down?
-No, his daughter. -His daughter.
-Here we go! -He's got access.
Shit's going to hit the fan.
-That's her dad. -That's her dad.
That's her... Him. That's her dad.
So he's killed her mum.
Dad.
What would you do if you found out your dad had done that?
You're asking the wrong person. You watch
All tied up.
-Have you ever been tied up? -No.
I've never been tied up.
There's Jennifer Saunders.
-Jennifer Saunders. -Poor cow, she's been shot.
There's Hogwarts.
My mother left when I was young.
She was in the wall, darling.
Just imagine, you're eating fish and chips, watching the telly,
your mum's in the wall and you haven't got a fucking clue about it.
She looks fuck all like her dad.
We don't really know what the mum looks like, do we?
We've only seen her in a bag.
When I was 18 years old, I had an operation.
She got her tits done?
Not biological father.
I belonged to the man she was having an affair with.
-Him! -That's the woman who... Oh, fucking hell!
Your dad.
My mum was having an affair with your dad.
So they're brother and sister.
Fucking
What's she achieving? She not go to bingo like a normal person?
Well, she's one of those freaks that likes to have revenge.
-"I'm gonna get revenge." -Would you get revenge?
No. I'd just be like, "Hello. I'm your sister. You all right?"
What if I killed your fella?
Well, if he nicked a couple of quid off you or summat, I'd be like, "Fair play.
Robbing bastard."
-Would you not get revenge? I would. -Get over it.
I'd love it. I'd revel in the revenge.
I'd just say, "Get me a pack of fags."
I'd get a Spider-Man outfit.
So if I killed your David, what would you do?
Torture you first.
I would. I'd get electric nipple clamps.
That would turn me on, love. Don't do that.
It always starts with a family.
She's showing you how she finds all the info now.
She's got all the passwords, look!
Nosy bastard.
Your father is my father.
-"Your father is my father." -Fucking
It's like
"You're my brother, my mum's in a wall."
They're very well-to-do. Have you seen the houses?
That's what I mean. Such a posh area like this.
Fucking hell, Bootle's more laid back than this.
True. They live in a posh area and they're killing each other.
...get your kneecaps done, and you end up in a fucking wall here.
Who hired you?
It was someone at the football club. Where I approached you.
...stolen money! She stole the money and was gonna pin the whole thing on me!
-"I've got money!" -"Stole the money!"
He's got a Cheryl Hole mouth, isn't he?
Cheryl.
"I'm a fucking star!"
We love you, Cheryl!
-Tripp told me. -Tripp?
I'll take you to her, OK? I...
-I'll take you to Corinne. -Where is she?
This story's not well!
-He's put her in the woods. -What the fuck?
She's in the woods, she's not alive.
I had every intention of paying the money back.
He's took the money from the football club.
Corinne's found out and he's gone, "That's your lot."
-She was gonna tell everyone? -Yeah.
So Corinne was good, actually. I feel sorry for her now. Very harsh.
-Where is she? -About here.
He's never going to sit there and dig her up.
-He's a bastard. -I'd dig you up.
That's nice. You wouldn't just leave me there?
-I'd at least take the jewellery off. -Get the jewellery back. Cash Converters.
Loving your face!
Oh, God.
Looks good for a dead bitch.
I hit her with it.
-Is he a Scouser? -I think he is.
Oh, so you fucking stereotyped...
So you made the Scouser a fucking thief and a murderer.
I've had enough of this.
Never the fucking Brummie, is it, or the Irish?
We're very classy and demure, the Brummies.
And he's got a fucking shell suit on.
Calm down, calm down. It's only your wife.
-It's about time we fucking saw her! Yay! -Here she is.
Love her. Queen!
-The mum from Benidorm. The mum. -Oh, God, yeah.
She's come up in the world, hasn't she?
Love her. She was in that Shannon Matthews programme.
Oh, with her.
-Sheridan... -Sheridan Smith.
...who played Cilla, won a BAFTA.
"Bobby, it's gone to number one."
You're dead, cunt.
Oh, and the busies have seen him.
Poor cow. Look at her.
I'd nick his trainers. His trainers are nice.
Well, at least now he's at peace. Corinne's in the ground.
That was shocking, that was. I'm gripped.
-What a brilliant programme, though. -That was fantastic.
That is one of the best things on Netflix. I was like, "Oh, my God."
If you like this, have you seen
It's the same writers and people who made it.
Is that like that?
-Safe, mate. -Yeah, safe.
No, it's brilliant. It's like this. The same author.
-Oh, it's a book! -Yeah.
But I really enjoyed that thoroughly. I want season two.
Netflix, listen now. You need to get season two for that now.
I don't think it's something you can have a season two...
I think it's just an individual story, isn't it?
-Oh, is it? She's only got one book out? -No, she's got more books.
Well, at the end of the day...
Is the author still alive?
Write another one. It's not hard.
Write another one and you'll get another series.
I think you should write one.
But I really enjoyed that.
Thank you for watching
...The Vivienne.
We really enjoyed that. That's a ten out of ten stars.