- If I get home at 7:30 will I miss bedtime?
Because maybe I should just go to The Grove
and get trousers before it closes at nine.
- Kids still awake and I feel like I might murder them.
That is a joke, but also this is awful.
(upbeat instrumental music)
- I don't know, it's pretty much the same
as it is when we were dating
- [Man] I would say. - [Woman] Yeah, more or less.
- But it's a little bit more,
there's some, like, code words maybe that we use.
It saves time I think, right?
- I don't know.
- Yeah, you don't have to impress me at all,
you don't have to spell things right.
- Maybe it's more boring at times.
- There's a lot of food related texting.
- Yeah, there's a lot of, like--
- Because it's coordinating meals.
- And you've built up such a long--
- Shorthand.
- [Man] Shorthand, yeah. - [Woman] Yeah, yeah.
- It's direct, it's just information that
needs to happen just goes out.
- Yeah.
- And then every once in awhile there's an "I love you."
- There's a time for a phone call,
there's a time to wait until you're home together
and then there are things that you talk about over text.
- Fade in on trying to find a last minute babysitter.
Caroline could do it, but she has a hard out at 6:15,
she babysits at 6:30 in Larchmont.
Could you jet the hell out of class and be home at 6:15?
- Yeah!
- Fuck yeah!
- Oooo, wait.
- Fuck no!
- This one's good.
- Okay, taking off, love you.
- I love you, too.
- Goodnight, sweetheart, I miss you.
- I miss you, too, what is your
mom's sign in info for Comcast?
- (laughs) That's a good one.
- (laughing) That's a good one.
- Okay, I'm home now, fade to Andrew
going to Cheryl's at seven.
- Andrew's our dog.
- Okay, coming home now.
- What time do you want the
(mumbling) guy to come on Sunday?
- Any time.
- Okay.
- The British rowing team is here.
- Send photos.
- And then I sent the emoji of the
eggplant that looks phallic.
- What does that mean?
- (laughing) It's like a big boner.
- I know what that is.
- I like the ones that are long streams
of me texting you and you not answering.
- Like what.
- And I just keep going.
- Let's hear it.
- I like this one.
Hello? Hey, can I come in there?
I really have to pee.
I really had to pee before,
but now I really have to pee.
- Do you need anything? Food.
- More cheese for crackers? And apples.
- Okay, have you seen my sunglasses?
- No.
- Are you gonna want dinner tonight?
- Yeah.
- Good.
- I know that every time I don't respond
to a text right away you say, "Hi, cats."
- (laughs) I don't even remember where that came from.
- This is from, like, two days ago.
Don't be mad, but I bought an original
$40.00 Pakistani "Hollywood Cop" poster off eBay.
It's fucking beautiful, don't be mad.
- Why would I be mad, that sounds rad.
You should have said, "Don't be rad-er than this poster."
(laughing)
- Can you turn on the vaporizer?
- Oh my gosh, the mom next to me at
gymnastics is Sophie's mom and she keeps randomly
making humming sounds and it's so annoying!
- @#headphones?
- None.
- And then a GIF of Darth Vader going, "Nooo!"
- (laughing)
- [Voiceover] I'll give you five bucks to stop texting.
- I'll give you five buck to stop having
a butt in the place where your face should be.
Oh, wait, you can't, I married a buttface.
- [Voiceover] I can't believe you said that.
- [Voiceover] It's okay, I love your
buttface and the rest of ya.
- You know how sensitive I am about my facebuttitis.