It's happened.
And...
There is a little fupachino...
baking.
Can we not call the baby "Fupachino?"
Well I thought that's what's gonna be on the birth certificate, "Little Fupachino."
Fupachino Klein.
Jokes aside,
today we come to you humbly,
to say...
Hila is in fact, been... breathed life into her from my penis
and she is pregnant.
....Is that not technical?
(giggle)
Not very romantic.
Not romantic but... it's the miracle of life.
And it came from my balls.
(Hila laughs)
But it was... it didn't happen at first, ya know.
I feel like,
it's a interesting story because there's so many misconceptions
about pregnancy.
One, for example,
you expect when you're trying to have a baby, you just put it in (yea)
You know what I'm saying?
Just... no protection, and it happens.
What blew my mind the most about this whole journey of trying to get pregnant,
how is there billions of people in the world and I can't even knock you up in two years?
And then when you start talking about it to other people everyone is having a hard time.
Yeah, it's unbelievable.
So how many weeks are you?
I'm week 17,
and it's four and a half months.
So you're like you are basically- you're half way through?
Yeah. Somehow.
Let's see it.
Who's more pregnant?
What month am I?
I'm like month seven kinda, aren't I?
(laugh)
You can't compete!
I'm stealing your thunder, dude.
(laugh)
So here we have the first ultrasound.
And I believe that the baby was the size of a jellybean?
And it looks like it, it looks like a little jellybean doesn't it?
And so here you can see this—
The doctor said it looked like a gummy.
A gummy bear.
A gummy teddy bear.
I was like doctor, are you trying to eat my baby?
Here you can see the tiny little heartbeat
It's incredible.
This tiny little gummy bear
has a heartbeat. Look.
Look at that little heart go, dude.
He's a champ already.
He's a champion with an incredible athlete's heart.
Look at his--
That's crazy.
Look at his little athlete arms, dude.
This guy's a frickin champion warrior
with a vicious heartbeat.
(extreme fupa man laugh)
By the way,
sympathy eating is real
and I have been thiccening up big time because
Hila is enjoying food now all of a sudden.
We realized Hila was pregnant before you peed on a stick and it showed two bars.
We were ordering pizza
and Hila— and I was like, "This pizza is awful,"
and that's a weird thing for me to say because
pizza is like sex
when it's good, it's great
and when it's bad, it's still pretty good.
(creepy fupa man smile)
So I was having this pizza I was like,
"Boy, this is like one of the worst pizzas ever right, Hila?"
and Hila's sitting there like,
like, "Mmm..."
I was like, "I kinda like the pizza,"
and that was a lot
for me cause I really...
I'm not into pizza.
I don't know what to say.
Which is kind of a trouble...
I don't like hamburgers, I don't like bacon.
How'd I end up with her?
But she was loving this pizza
and I have to tell you guys
we have a ritual, now that she's pregnant and she loves it!
Maybe as much as me.
At midnight, we throw a frozen pizza in the oven and we feast.
And I feel like I'm feeding her.
You know how like there's like a fetish where you feed people?
A feeder.
So I'm feeding her, but sadly I'm feeding myself too.
Yeah, I think the feeders, they only feed.
Yeah. I know.
I got it backwards. Yeah, I got it all backwards.
I didn't wanna tell you,
but I even saw a comment of someone noticing it.
Are you serious?
Someone was like—
What'd they say?
Ethan is gaining weight lately.
Really? On a podcast?
Yeah.
They could tell from my face?!
Or, well, you probably got up or something.
Well I just showed you all my stomach.
So yeah, it's getting pretty bad.
But in response someone said,
"Well he's..."
"They're pregnant."
"THEY'RE pregnant."
That's right. That is very true.
I have to say, it's been such a joy.
Hila has been radiant,
she's been beautiful
you guys have noticed.
She's been having insane hair days.
This mother of life.
I see her she's like this
beautiful, angelic being
who's like, she has like this life.
She's giving life.
And her back hurts,
and she's in pain,
Yup.
and she gets headaches.
and I'm like, "Oh my god,
"You're sacrificing your body."
I am.
My body is changing.
It's incredible.
It's weird.
Things are moving. I can tell, like, my spine is moving.
And your boobs are f—
enormous.
They are like, these huge life giving boobs.
They're like, massive, dude.
Okay, okay.
It's insane they're like frickin massive.
I was like, "Holy Crap."
Wanna keep this family friendly?
I was like, "HOBRBRBRBRLY Crap!"
Wanna like, my mom is watching!
(laughs)
I mean
I mean, her spine moved.
I didn't know that I could—
There's always like
new ceilings of love that I have for you.
And I know this sounds corny,
but I've like always been maxed out,
but then I find that like the ceiling goes up,
and I see walking around, like,
this life giving goddess.
And you're beautiful,
and you're like,
and like, you just
you're, you're
bearing this for both of us y'know?
I can't do that
All dudes do is squirt and then roll over.
And the girl has to do the rest, right?
Yeah.
And I'm just... You HAVE to be so grateful.
There's lots of interesting things that I was entertained, shocked, amazed by
that I'd like to share with you guys here.
One for example, was me going to squirt in a cup
at a fertility clinic
to check my, the strength of my semen.
So as I walk in, the first thing I'm greeted by
is this torture device of a chair
There is no chance in hell that I was gonna sit in this thing.
And uh here's the view.
So you've got a television.
And you can see there's a bottle of "lubricant oil"
which is almost out. Y'know?
And right next to it, you got
"premium high sanitizer" fluids.
So a little, the old One-Two. Y'know?
This is the cup.
Hope you're good at aim boys because this is... this is the cup.
So there's headphones in case you partake in the viewing pleasures.
And my god you gotta be mental
to put these on, to grab these headphones, right?
And right behind the headphones,
there's what appears to be liquidy stains on the wall,
that have left a mark, okay.
And I'm not saying what it is but, I'm just sayin', "There it is."
This is uh, in case you want to um
comb the sticky pages of these magazines that appear to be two decades old.
You can see the pages stuck together like a paper-mâché project gone wrong even in this bucket.
And here of course is the coup de grâce.
The bin full of tissue, my dudes.
An uncovered bin of used tissues.
And after seeing all of that, I look back behind me
and I say, "Man you know what?"
"If this isn't my most proud fap of all time, I really just don't know what is."
But I'm so excited.
And I know this sounds sappy Hila.
It's crazy dude.
It's insane, like,
It's so nuts, man.
Like my love, and my appreciation
for Hila as my wife
is like through the roof. It's new levels of insane, dude.
It's so cool.
And I have to say and I know this is sappy,
I'm so happy that...
and I know this is sappy I'm sorry
but I'm so happy
knowing that our kid has got this beautiful, strong role model of a mother
who's like, a CEO, she's creative, she's funny, she's smart, y'know what I'm saying.
And the kid's gonna have this beautiful,
incredible mom. A female role model
that's just like so beautiful, and so strong.
And it's like, "Damn!"
I'm so excited.
Thank you.
Not a good cook.
Just to...
I can cook but I don't like it.
I can cook. I'll do the cooking.
Ethan is the chef.
You'll do the role modeling, I'll do the cooking.
Ethan is the chef.
Okay. Thank you.
That's it. That's all you need to say.
[Hila VO] This was our second ultrasound.
The little gummy bear started to look like a baby.
So that's our little guy. Or girl. We don't know yet.
There's a little human
in my stomach
It was very emotional. Very exciting.
Oh my god.
[Ethan] Whoah
[Hila] That's crazy.
Well there you have it.
A little baby update.
We did it. We're super excited.
I'm frankly—
We're also terrified.
I'm so scared.
You just, you go to the hospital, and then they give you a baby.
And then your life is changed forever.
What I'm scared of is like, when the baby comes,
and then they're just like, "Here's your baby,"
And you're like, "What do I do with this?"
Yeah
And then you go home with the baby and you're like, "How do I keep this thing alive?"
You know?
Yeah.
It goes from, "How do I keep this thing alive?"
to, "How do I not give this thing emotional damage for the rest of its life?"
And like what do we need to buy?
We gotta buy all this baby stuff.
It's gonna be crazy.
Gimme a good shot here.
I mean you gotta understand that before was—
I know it doesn't look that much.
Before, my stomach ended here. You know?
Yeah. Try to push it out.
There it is. Push it out.
Wait, bend like this.
He's saying that he wants pizza for lunch.
I think he said that he wants pizza for lunch. Hila, are you hungry?
Ok.
Yeah?