>>> IT'S "WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH COLIN JOST AND MICHAEL CHE.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> THANKS, GOOD EVENING,
EVERYONE. >> WELCOME TO "WEEKEND UPDATE."
I'M MICHAEL CHE. >> I'M COLIN JOST.
>>> PRESIDENT TRUMP ANNOUNCED THAT HE'S CHANGING HIS PERMANENT
RESIDENCE FROM NEW YORK TO FLORIDA.
'CAUSE YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY, IF YOU CAN'T DRAIN THE SWAMP,
MOVE TO IT. [ LAUGHTER ]
I GOTTA SAY, THIS IS SUCH A GENIUS TROLL MOVE THAT TRUMP
RAISED TAXES FOR NEW YORKERS AND THEN LEFT NEW YORK.
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] IT'S LIKE RIPPING ONE IN AN
ELEVATOR, THEN PRESSING ALL THE BUTTONS AND RUNNING OUT.
TRUMP ALSO SAID HE'S LEAVING NEW YORK BECAUSE LOCAL
POLITICIANS HAVE TREATED HIM VERY BADLY.
ESPECIALLY ONE NEW YORK POLITICIAN WHO HAS BEEN ACTIVELY
DESTROYING HIS LIFE. [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
>> I DON'T BLAME TRUMP FOR MOVING.
HE GOT BOOED AT THE UFC FIGHT. HE GOT BOOED AT THE WORLD
SERIES. NOW HE'S MOVING TO FLORIDA SO HE
CAN GET BOOED AT DISNEY WORLD. EVEN COSBY CAN STILL PLAY
PHILLY. YOU HAVE TO BE A SPECIAL KIND OF
GUY FOR NEW YORKERS TO UNANIMOUSLY HATE YOU.
WE'VE PUT UP WITH A LOT OF BAD PEOPLE.
JUST TODAY I HAD A FELLOW YELL THE "N" WORD AT ME ON THE SUBWAY
WHEN A HARD E-R AND I DON'T HATE HIM.
I JUST FINISHED PEEING AND SWITCHED CARS.
>>> THE HOUSE FORMALIZED IMPEACHMENT INQUIRY ON THURSDAY.
AND WHILE IT'S THE TRADITION FOR THE SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE NOT TO
VOTE ON RESOLUTIONS, NANCY PELOSI DID VOTE YES TO
MAKE A POINT. BUT I THINK SHE WENT A LITTLE
TOO FAR WHEN SHE CELEBRATED WORLD CUP STYLE.
[ LAUGHTER ] BETO O'ROURKE ANNOUNCED HE'S
DROPPING OUT OF THE 2020 PRESIDENTIAL RACE.
SAID BETO, AY, CARAMBA, NO PRESIDENTE.
>>> WELL, YOU KNOW THINGS ARE BAD WHEN A WHOLE STATE IS ON
FIRE AND IT'S, LIKE, THE THIRD BIGGEST STORY OF THE WEEK.
BUT MOST RECENT WILDFIRES IN SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA IS
THREATENING MILLIONS OF DOLLARS WORTH OF AVOCADOS.
WHITE WOMEN ARE DEVASTATED. [ LAUGHTER ]
THE STATE IS ALLOWING NONVIOLENT PRISONERS IN
CALIFORNIA TO HELP FIGHT THE WILDFIRES.
AND I DON'T THINK IT'S RIGHT THAT THEY'RE USING INMATES TO
FIGHT THESE FIRES, BUT IF YOU'RE GOING TO DO IT, YOU DEFINITELY
WANT TO USE THE VIOLENT ONES TOO, RIGHT?
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] SOMEBODY THAT'S REALLY GOOD WITH
WATER BECAUSE THEY SPEND ALL THEIR TIME HANGING OUT IN THE
SHOWERS. CAN'T SAY THAT.
>>> IT WAS IMPORTANT THAT JUST AFTER PRESIDENT TRUMP NAMED
RUDY GIULIANI AS HIS CYBERSECURITY ADVISER IN 2017,
GIULIANI WENT TO AN APPLE STORE FOR HELP AFTER HE ENTERED THE
WRONG PASSWORD IN HIS PHONE 10 TIMES AND PERMANENTLY LOCKED
HIMSELF OUT. [ LAUGHTER ]
EVEN WORSE, HE WENT TO THIS APPLE STORE.
[ LAUGHTER ] BY THE WAY, OF COURSE GIULIANI'S
iPHONE WOULDN'T UNLOCK, BECAUSE EVEN APPLE'S FACE I.D. DOESN'T
RECOGNIZE THE MAN RUDY HAS BECOME.
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ] >>> A FORENSIC PATHOLOGIST HIRED
BY JEFFREY EPSTEIN'S FAMILY IS CLAIMING THAT HIS DEATH WAS NOT
A SUICIDE, BUT THAT HE WAS MURDERED.
♪♪ THAT COSTS US 250 GRAND.
EVERYBODY HE'S A CRAZY CONSPIRACY THEORY FOR THIS
DEATH. OH, THE CLINTONS HAD HIM KILLED,
TRUMP HAD HIM KILLED, THE RUSSIANS DID IT.
EVERYTHING BUT THE TRUTH, THAT HE BROKE HIS OWN NECK TRYING TO
MASTURBATE WITH A BELT. >>> FRESHMAN REPRESENTATIVE
KATIE HILL RESIGNED AMID ALLEGATIONS THAT SHE HAD AN
AFFAIR WITH A STAFF MEMBER WHO HAD A THREE WAY RELATIONSHIP
WITH HILL AND HER FORMER HUSBAND.
IT'S A SHAME BECAUSE HILL WAS A RARE POLITICIAN WHO COULD HELP
TWO PARTIES COME TOGETHER. [ LAUGHTER ]
[ AUDIENCE OOHS ] >>> ELIZABETH WARREN RELEASED A
DETAILED PLAN FOR FUNDING MEDICARE FOR ALL THAT PROMISES
NOT TO RAISE MIDDLE CLASS TAXES BY ONE PENNY, BUT INSTEAD BY
SEVERAL TRILLION PENNIES. [ LAUGHTER ]