-Hasan, here's how we're going to do this.
You and I will each take turns telling a story to our audience
about one topic. Okay? -Okay.
-Tonight's topic is... [ Drum roll ]
...embarrassing parents.
-All right. Okay.
-Since you're my guest, I'm going to give you the honor
of watching me go first. [ Laughter ]
You can take your place over there by the --
-Okay. -I'll start off.
Okay, here we go. -All right, go ahead.
-All right. I have so many embarrassing parent stories.
I'm trying to think. I don't know which one to --
-You picked the topic because I'm Indian, right?
-No, I didn't know. [ Laughter ]
-Yeah, you did. -No, it was at random.
No, I promise, no. -Okay, okay, okay.
-Please, I'm Irish. I got some bad ones, too.
Yeah. What do we got? I mean, my mom's got so many.
I'll do -- I'll do my dad because I talked to him today.
So he reminded me of this story.
My dad was very -- We never had any luck with cars growing up.
We just never had a great car.
And I remember we finally did get a nice car.
It was a Cutlass Ciera.
That was the name of it. It even sounds fancy.
And I think it had, like, cloth seats,
which was a big deal for us.
'Cause the seats would be vinyl
and just be too hot and everything.
Like, we just burn -- we'd burn our flesh and stuff.
[ Laughter ] But, no, this was like,
"Wow, luxury." And it was amazing.
And so one night, he was coming home from work.
And we used to wait out for the car and stuff like that
when my dad would come -- Me and my sister and my mom.
So the car was coming down the street and the horn was honking.
[ Imitates horn honking ]
And my mom was like, "oh, my God, kids, come out.
Let's greet -- Let's say hi to daddy outside.
I think he won the lottery. [ Laughter ]
I think we won the lottery."
And we're like "Oh, my gosh. What?"
And, like, she was almost crying.
We ran out to the driveway and the car is honking.
Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep!
And my dad gets out and slams the door,
and the car is still honking.
[ Laughter ]
"The horn's broke." Didn't even look at us.
Just walked right past us and got a beer.
[ Laughter ]
And then another thing happened to my dad's car.
He was -- He was trying to fix his car.
And he got a thing called, like, Gunk-Out or something
that you spray on the engine.
My dad does not know anything about cars.
He's from Brooklyn, New York. Barely knows how to drive a car.
But he's fixing his car in the driveway.
And he's spraying this thing. And he turns on the engine on.
And the car lights on fire. [ Laughter ]
So my dad's freaking out. He doesn't know what to do.
So he slams the hood closed.
And it's like flames growing out the sides.
And he's like, "Oh, maybe that was a mistake.
Maybe I should try to open it up again
to get the flames to go out. -Oh, no.
-So he went and he popped the hood.
And then went around. It had one of those, like,
kind of locks in the front that it's really hard to open.
So he was burning his fingers. [ Laughter ]
And he couldn't open the hood. And he just came in.
He goes, "Kids, just get on the ground.
I think the car is going to blow up."
[ Laughter ]
And we laid on the ground.
And my mom's, like, "We got to tell the neighbors."
'Cause they had their kids. He was like --
And he yelled over to them. He's like, "Go inside.
My car is about to explode." [ Laughter ]
And the kids ran in. And people were screaming.
And we called the fire department.
And we were laying on the ground.
And then they came -- -But, you guys stayed?
-Oh, we stayed and just laid on the ground.
Like -- just hoping. [ Laughter ]
-They ran for it. Let them be safe.
-Oh, yeah. Our neighbors ran down the street.
Yeah, yeah. [ Laughter ]
And they put out the thing. And my dad's car was totaled.
He burnt -- Every wire was stripped.
And there was nothing on it.
And that was the last time we ever got a nice car.
There you go. That's my story.
[ Laughter, cheers, and applause ]
♪♪
-I got to go now? -Yeah, now it's your turn.
Okay. -All right.
Now send it up. -All right. So this like --
this is a competition? This is, like, a --
-Oh, maybe. -Is it?
-No I think it's more of a fun story telling thing. But --
-No, no, no. I just not --
I don't want participation points.
I want to win or lose it.
-Okay, all right, all right, all right.
[ Laughter ] Go for it.
-I got to -- Okay, okay. -Okay, okay, okay.
-[ Laughs ]
-Okay, I -- [ Laughs ]
Okay. I have -- I'm okay.
[ Laughter ]
No, I have to think about what are the repercussions
if I tell this, but who cares?
Let's just -- let's do this. All right.
[ Laughter ] So -- because I got to win.
So when I was in high school,
I told a lot of stories about growing up.
But -- I don't know if you guys know this,
but I wasn't very good at math or science.
I'm sorry.
[ Laughter ]
I know. I've let our people down. But...
[ Laughter ]
So I was failing Honors Chem.
And, so sometimes during lunch,
I would have lunch in Mr. Delucas' classroom.
You know, like all popular kids do.
[ Laughter ] And hang out.
Hang out with the teacher during lunch.
-Eating -- -So I'm in there during lunch.
Mr. Delucas is like, "Hey, I got to go to the bathroom.
Just give me a minute I'll be right back."
He leaves to go to the bathroom. I look at his desk.
And the homework solutions manual
is just sitting right there on the desk.
And it's just looking at me like the Sports Almanac
in "Back to the Future." Like, "I have all the answers.
[ Laughter ] Just pick me up."
And I was like, "He'll never guess that if I take this --
he won't even know it was me.
He's not going to guess that the Indian kid did it.
[ Laughter ]
So I take the solutions manual.
I put it in my backpack. I walk out of the class.
And I'm like, "Okay, this is wrong.
What you are doing is objectively wrong."
And I know -- like, I feel awful about it.
I have kids. I should not do this.
Cheating is wrong. But...
I've never felt more alive.
[ Laughter ]
And I'm like,
"What if I go to Kinko's
and I just photocopy this, and I sell it to other kids?"
[ Laughter ] -Oh, gosh.
-And so I'm at Kinko's, and I just photocopy the book.
I come back to school. And I just start selling
the answer to the homework to other kids
for $5 a pop, which is a discount.
That's a discount. It's a great deal!
[ Laughter ]
All the answers for the entire year, five bucks?
And, eventually, someone snitched.
I don't know who it was. It was Michael Minichiello.
But I don't know who it was. [ Laughter ]
And I don't know. I just -- I don't know who it could be.
And Mr. Delucas calls me into his classroom.
And he sits me down. And is like,
"I know you're the kid who stole the solutions manual.
And, Hasan, what you have done --
you have violated my trust,
you've insulted the ethical standards of this school,
And I should expel you right now.
But I'm going to call your father instead."
And I was like, "Just expel me, please."
[ Laughter ]
He puts my dad on speakerphone.
"Mr. Minhaj, come to Davis High School immediately.
I am waiting here with your son."
It was the longest 45 minutes
I've ever had to go through in my life.
I'm sitting there. There's just an empty chair, sweating.
I'm like, "I'm going to die."
My dad comes in. He sits down.
Mr. Delucas is like, "Your son is the criminal master mind
behind one of the biggest cheating scandals
at this school.
He has been selling the homework answers
to multiple students in his class."
And my dad, he looks at Mr. Delucas.
and he was like, "Mr. Delucas,
my son did not do this."
[ Laughter ]
And I was like, "Wow. Like, pops, like, he trusts me.
[ Laughter ] He has my back."
-Wow.
And he's like, "Hasan is a coward.
[ Laughter ]
He doesn't have the guts to pull this off."
[ Laughter ]
And I did graduate.
And here I am. So -- [ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ] Thank you, guys.
♪♪
-Coward? -A coward.
-Tough dad! That's hilarious.
That is how you do it right there, everybody.
Hasan Minhaj! [ Cheers and applause ]