YOU'LL HAVE TO EXCUSE ME.
I'M A LITTLE TIRED.
LAST NIGHT WAS YET ANOTHER REPUBLICAN DEBATE.
AND I'M TIRED BECAUSE I WAS UP LATE WATCHING THE WHOLE
THING, AND DEFINITELY NOT AT THE CBS CHRISTMAS PARTY INSTEAD.
AND THIS MORNING, I DID NOT HAVE TO APOLOGIZE FOR CHALLENGING
SCOTT PELLEY TO A PUSHUP CONTEST AFTER NOT LICKING EGG NOG OUT OF
TOM SELLECK'S MUSTACHE.
THAT'S WHAT I DIDN'T DO.
I WATCHED THE DEBATE.
IF YOU MISSED IT, CNN'S G.O.-PALOOZA WENT DOWN IN
LAS VEGAS AT THE MOST AMERICAN POSSIBLE VENUE, THE VENETIAN
HOTEL AND CASINO, OWNED BY REPUBLICAN MEGADONOR AND
PART-TIME KUATO, SHELDON ADELSON.
( LAUGHTER ) THE DEBATE TOOK PLACE ON THE
STAGE WHERE "PHANTOM OF THE OPERA" PLAYED FOR OVER SIX
YEARS.
WHICH EXPLAINS WOLF BLITZER'S OUTFIT.
( LAUGHTER ) HOLDING THE DEBATE IN LAS VEGAS
MAKES TOTAL SENSE-- THE STAKES ARE HIGH.
THERE'S A LOT OF MONEY RIDING ON LONG SHOTS.
MOST PEOPLE ARE BETTING IT ALL ON RED, OR REALLY ORANGE.
IT WAS A HUGE NIGHT.
ALL THE CNN HEAVY HITTERS WERE THERE-- WOLF BLITZER, DANA BASH,
AND LET'S SAY REPUBLICAN ANDERSON COOPER?
I'M NOT SURE.
WHO IS THAT?
THAT IS-- THAT'S AH-- HUGH HEWITT!
THE PUNDIT SO NICE THEY "HUGH-ED" HIM TWICE.
AND CNN DID EVERYTHING THEY COULD TO KEEP US TUNED IN FOR AS
MUCH OF THE EVENING AS POSSIBLE BY KEEPING THE START TIME AS
VAGUE AS POSSIBLE.
THEY EVEN HAD A COUNTDOWN CLOCK FOR FOUR DAYS TICKING DOWN TO
THE BIG EVENT-- BUT WHEN IT HIT ZERO, IT JUST CHANGED TO
"MOMENTS AWAY."
( LAUGHTER ) OH, I AM SO EXCITED FOR CNN'S
NEW YEAR'S EVE COVERAGE: "3-2-1 HAPPY... MOMENTS AWAY!"
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
NOW, THERE WAS A GREAT-- IT WAS A GREAT DEBATE.
THEY TALKED ABOUT A LOT OF STUFF, WHICH AGAIN, I TOTALLY
WATCHED BECAUSE I WAS NOT AT THE CBS CHRISTMAS PARTY DOING JELLO
SHOTS OUT OF CHARLIE ROSE'S NAVEL WITH THE TWO BROKE GIRLS.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT WHAT REALLY STRUCK ME WAS
THE RUTHLESS ATTACKS ON THE REPUBLICANS.
>> SENATOR PAUL, YOU SAID ISIS GREW STRONGER BECAUSE OF THE
HAWKS IN YOUR PARTY.
DO YOU REALLY THINK THAT REPUBLICANS HAVE FUELED THE
RISE OF ISIS?
>> Stephen: NO, JIMMY, THE REAL ATTACKS ON REPUBLICANS.
>> MARCO KNOWS WHAT HE'S SAYING ISN'T TRUE.
FOR MARCO TO SUGGEST OUR RECORD'S THE SAME IS LIKE
SUGGESTING THE FIREMAN AND THE ARSONIST HAVE THE SAME RECORD
BECAUSE THEY'RE BOTH AT THE SCENE OF THE FIRE.
>> WE NEED A COMMANDER IN CHIEF WHO MADE TOUGH CALLS,
NOT FIRST-TERM SENATORS WHO NEVER MADE AN EXECUTIVE DECISION
IN THEIR LIFE.
>> IF YOU'RE IN FAVOR OF WORLD WAR III, YOU HAVE YOUR
CANDIDATE.
>> THIS IS A TOUGH BUSINESS TO RUN FOR PRESIDENT.
>> OH, YOU'RE A TOUGH GUY, JEB.
I KNOW.
>> AND WE NEED TO HAVE A LEADER.
>> WELL, LET'S SEE.
I'M AT 42 AND YOU'RE AT THREE, SO, SO FAR I'M DOING BETTER.
>> DOESN'T MATTER.
DOESN'T MATTER.
>> Stephen: GUYS, DON'T FIGHT!
DON'T FIGHT!
BE FRIENDS.
( LAUGHTER ) IT WAS SUCH A KNOCK-DOWN,
DRAG-OUT BRAWL THAT VEGAS LABELED IT "THE THRILLA OF
MOSTLY VANILLA."
( LAUGHTER ) BUT THE MAIN COW CARCASS BEING
SLOWLY LOWERED INTO THE PIRANHA PIT OF THIS EIGHTH GRADE SLUMBER
PARTY WAS DONALD TRUMP, WHO THREW SOME SOLID PUNCHES HIMSELF
BUT GOT TAGGED ON HARD BY JEB BUSH.
>> DONALD, YOU'RE NOT GOING TO BE ABLE TO INSULT YOUR WAY TO
THE PRESIDENCY.
THAT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.
>> Stephen: STRONG WORDS.
THOUGH I'M NOT SURE IF HE'S RIGHT.
REMEMBER HOW F.D.R. CLINCHED THE NOMINATION AT THE '32
CONVENTION.
>> I UNDERSTAND WHY MY OPPONENT IS CALLED HOOVER, BECAUSE HE
SUCKS.
OH!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: AND JEB SHOULD KNOW BETTER THAN TO ATTACK DONALD
TRUMP.
IT JUST MAKES HIM STRONGER.
AND TRUMP CAN TAKE ANY AMOUNT OF PUNISHMENT.
EARLIER THIS WEEK, HIS CAMPAIGN RELEASED A LETTER FROM TRUMP'S
DOCTOR.
IT READ IN PART, "TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN, MR. TRUMP'S
LABORATORY TEST RESULTS WERE ASTONISHINGLY EXCELLENT AND HIS
PHYSICAL STRENGTH AND STAMINA ARE EXTRAORDINARY."
THAT'S RIGHT.
"ASTONISHINGLY EXCELLENT" AND "EXTRAORDINARY."
SO WHILE TRUMP IS DISEASE FREE, EVIDENTLY, TALKING LIKE HIM IS
HIGHLY CONTAGIOUS.
( LAUGHTER ) AND THIS LETTER WAS NOT WITHOUT
COLD HARD MEDICAL RESULTS-- IT HAD TWO!
THE DOCTOR EXPLAINED THAT TRUMP'S BLOOD PRESSURE IS A
HEALTHY 110 OVER 65 AND ON A PROSTATE TEST HIS SCORE WAS
0.15, VERY LOW.
AND I AM NOT SURPRISED HIS PROSTATE IS HEALTHY-- THAT'S
WHERE HE'S PULLING HIS BEST IDEAS FROM.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) LIKE HE'S STARTING A LAWNMOWER!
( LAUGHTER ) AND THE REPORT GOT EVEN
TRUMPY-ER. BECAUSE THE DOCTOR CONCLUDED HIS LETTER BY SAYING,
"MR. TRUMP, I CAN STATE UNEQUIVOCALLY, WILL BE
THE HEALTHIEST INDIVIDUAL EVER ELECTED TO THE PRESIDENCY."
AND I BELIEVE HIM.
OF THE 44 PEOPLE WHO HAVE BEEN PRESIDENT, MOST OF THOSE GUYS
ARE DEAD.
SO THE QUESTION IS, WHO IS THIS GUY?
WHO IS TRUMP'S PERSONAL DOCTOR?
WHO IS THE MAN LUCKY ENOUGH TO PROD THE GOLDEN PROSTATE?
NONE OTHER THAN DR. HAROLD M.
BORNSTEIN, SHOWN HERE WASTING AWAY IN MARGARITAVILLE.
( LAUGHTER ) NOW, OBVIOUSLY, THAT'S JUST A
VACATION SNAPSHOT FROM HIS FACEBOOK PAGE.
I'M SURE THE DOCTOR HAS A PHOTO THAT'S A LITTLE MORE
PROFESSIONAL.
LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT THE DOCTOR IN HIS OFFICE.
THAT'S GOT TO INSPIRE CONFIDENCE.
"OKAY!
NOW YOU DIAGNOSE ME!" "I'VE HIDDEN A POLYP SOMEPLACE.
ON MY BODY.
I PROMISE YOU'LL FIND IT!" ( LAUGHTER )
OKAY, OKAY.
OKAY, STILL NOT FAIR.
THERE'S GOT TO BE A BETTER PHOTO OF HIM OUT THERE.
LET'S GET ONE OFF HIS OFFICIAL WEBSITE.
THERE HE IS.
THERE HE IS, I BELIEVE IN AROUND 1978, SAYING,
"LET'S FINISH THE FONDUE AND GET IN THE HOTUB."
OR HELL, LET'S JUST LOSE THE PANTS AND GET IN THE FONDUE."
THE POINT IS, TRUMP IS THE RUNAWAY LEADER.
DR. BORNSTEIN HAS BEEN DONALD TRUMP'S MOST TRUSTED PHYSICIAN
FOR OVER 30 YEARS.
SO I THINK IT'S TIME TO PREPARE FOR SURGEON GENERAL BORNSTEIN.