-Welcome, welcome, welcome to "The Tonight Show."
You're here. You made it. Thank you for watching.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Let's get to some news here.
Well, guys, the big story right now obviously is the heat
as temperatures continue to
reach record highs across the world.
It's the type of heat where you get into an Uber and you can see
the sweat outline of the passenger before you.
[ Laughter ]
Seriously, you can't mess around in this weather.
If you see someone who's delirious and slurring
their words, they either have heatstroke
or they're Rudy Giuliani.
So just be careful.
[ Laughter ]
Be careful.
Yeah, it's so hot right now, we actually changed our audience
load-in policy to make everyone more comfortable.
Take a look at this.
-Mask on, pants off, thank you.
Mask on, pants off. Mask on, pants off.
Mask on, pants off.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Mask on. -That's right, our audience
is completely pantless tonight. That's what I'm talking about.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Absolutely. You're allowed to.
It was 95 degrees here in New York today. Yeah.
With temperatures spiking all over the world,
I saw a pretty interesting new ad on TV. Look at this.
-When you need to stay dry and smelling fresh, Tom's of Maine
natural deodorant is aluminum free, soft on skin, and
totally un[bleep] prepared for this hell-on-Earth heat wave.
Tom's of Maine natural deodorant --
you're better off eating it.
Now go get some Speed Stick.
-Better off eating it. [ Cheers and applause ]
That was from Tom. -Wow. That was from Tom himself.
-Better off eating it. -Grab a bite.
-Yeah. -Dip it in ranch.
[ Laughter ]
-Meanwhile, today, President Biden announced new
executive actions to address the climate crisis.
Whew, just in time. [ Laughter ]
It's 115 degrees outside.
Unfortunately, Biden's speech was cut short
when the teleprompter burst into flames.
[ Laughter ]
Seriously, even the climate change deniers were like,
"Do you mind if we protest inside?
It's hot as hell out here." [ Laughter ]
Switching gears, I read that the Kremlin is trying to lure
Russians away from YouTube and on to an alternative
Russian site called Rutube.
[ Laughter ]
Rutube.
Yeah, is it me or does it sound like Scooby-Doo saying YouTube?
It's like, "Reck out my Rutube."
[ Laughter ]
-Zoinks!
-That's right. Russian YouTube.
It's just like regular YouTube except the videos posted of you
weren't taken by you.
Yeah. [ Laughter ]
[ Russian accent ] In Russia, like button smashes you.
[ Laughter ]
[ Normal voice ] And that's not the only Russian social-media site.
There's also a Russian version of Facebook.
It's called Facebook.
[ Laughter ]
Thank you very much. Thank you very much.
Meanwhile I saw that Vladimir Putin just met with
the president of Turkey, and people are talking about
how Putin had to wait by himself for a long time.
Watch this.
[ Camera shutters clicking ]
[ Laughter ]
Oh, my goodness.
[ Laughter ]
Yeah, finally. There you go, finally. Yeah.
[ Laughter ]
So far that's the only video on Rutube.
-Really? [ Laughter ]
-Some COVID news, I heard that a new variant has been detected
and it's called Centaurus.
My first car in high school was a Centaurus.
-Really? [ Laughter ]
-That's right, Centaurus.
Apparently it's got the head of a bat and the body of a horse.
[ Laughter ] At least with this variant,
taking horse dewormer makes a little more sense.
[ Laughter ] Get this, guys.
Apple has agreed to pay $50 million in a class-action
lawsuit over their faulty keyboards with sticky keys.
Yeah, those Apple customers are pretty happy.
They released a statement about their win.
They said, "We are ovvrjayd at the utcome.
This has ben a long jonny,
and weee gld to seeeee jonstice peevail.
Wed lik to thank our dedicated layers:
fffff, fffff, & ffffffffffff."
It goes on from there. [ Laughter ]
Well, guys, everyone is talking about this.
On a farm in Florida, there's an emu named Emmanuel
that's going viral for interrupting TikToks.
If you haven't seen him, he's cute. Here he is.
-This is a -- Emmanuel, do not do it.
Emmanuel, don't do it! Emmanuel!
[ Laughter ]
Don't do it.
[ Laughter ]
-I like she starts smiling, too.
She's like, "Emmanuel, d--"
[ Laughter ]
Anyway, this emu is everywhere. I mean, he's all over the place.
I mean, check out what happened
during one of Biden's recent speeches.
-It's an honor to once again stand with friends.
Emmanuel -- Emmanuel, do not do it.
Emmanuel, don't do it, Jack. Come on, man!
[ Cheers and applause ] -Don't do it, Jack.
Listen to this, guys, a mother in Mississippi is claiming that
her daughter found a cigarette
in her Burger King chicken fries.
Here's a photo. Look at this.
[ Audience ohs ]
Burger King was like, "Yeah,
that sounds like something we'd do."
[ Laughter ]
Nutritionally speaking, a Burger King chicken fry
and a cigarette are about the same.
[ Laughter ] The manager tried to spin it.
He was like, "That's just the toy."
[ Laughter ]
And finally, a man in Virginia said that he's going to eat
only Taco Bell for 30 days to see if their food
can make you healthier.
Taco Bell is so excited.
They're like, "He called us food."
[ Laughter ]
Yeah, Taco Bell for 30 days. Here's the prediction.
By day two, it's going to be a nightmare south of the border.