Transcriber: Chryssa R. Takahashi Reviewer: Ariana Bleau Lugo
I come from a Jewish tradition,
the same one as Bernie Madoff,
the worst financial criminal in history.
So perhaps all Jewish transactions, including mine,
need to undergo some extra scrutiny.
My Catholic wife seems OK,
but we all know about the horrors of priests and pedophilia.
So maybe all Catholics, including Patty,
need to undergo some psychological testing.
Now my Italian relatives,
we know that they must be tied into the mafia.
We've all seen The Godfather and The Sopranos,
so we really need to be keeping an eye on them.
THEM the most dangerous four-letter word in the English language.
This word is used to isolate, to marginalize, to insult.
This word has been responsible for the suffering and death
of millions, millions of people.
THEM is an obscene word.
I'm an entrepreneur, passionate photographer,
and have spent much of the last 12 years
traveling in conflict regions, places like North Korea, Syria, Iran,
getting people to communicate,
who otherwise would do anything to avoid each other.
Working in confidential small groups
with hundreds of top business and government leaders,
trying to break down stereotypes, attack this four-letter word,
I've learned that THEMification, a new word now, THEMification,
is often the root of the problems we deal with,
both personally and geopolitically.
We all know examples of the horrors that arise from THEMification.
Just a few of them: the Nazi Holocaust, Rwanda,
Darfur, Cambodia and the Killing Fields, the Balkans, Syria today.
And it's not just what 'they' do to 'them', distant and far away.
In America, 'we' annihilated Native Americans as our Manifest Destiny,
interned Japanese-Americans,
and today, randomly stop and frisk blacks, and profile Arabs and Muslims.
We all agree security is absolutely essential,
no question about that.
But unfortunately,
it's also sometimes used to rationalize some of these behaviors.
And while we're getting better, we still look at someone
who seems different and instantly label as 'them'.
So why do we do this?
Why do we see others through this lens of 'them'?
Historically, 'them' helped to differentiate families,
tribes, for protection, bonding, to secure scarce resources.
Today though, we continue to use 'them'
to identify with our group, excluding others.
But why?
An important reason is that the world is overwhelming,
full of confusing, complicated information.
To simplify this complexity and to reduce and protect us from ambiguity,
which is a very uncomfortable feeling,
we label, categorize, and stereotype.
It's also efficient to label as 'them',
but when we do that,
we lose much of our ability to reason, to feel, and to empathize.
We also, at that point, begin to only seek, see, and hear
what we want and expect to find,
and that's what psychologists call confirmation bias.
And it doesn't help that the media,
which we love to blame,
but really just as a magnifying glass and mirror for our own biases,
reinforces THEMification.
How often do we hear the words Islamist, Muslim,
terrorist, Arab, suicide bomber, Al Qaeda, used as synonyms?
This creates fear and a powerful filter
through which we are taught to see the world.
Fear is created by 'them.'
Fear is often false expectations appearing real.
We're hard-wired,
when the amygdala in our brain senses danger, it's designed to protect us.
It immediately hijacks our prefrontal cortex or our intellect,
our limbic thinking, our emotional brain.
We go into fight-or-flight survival mode.
This comes at a huge cost.
We sacrifice our openness, our willingness to hear,
see others, our liberties.
We sacrifice our humanities
every time we allow this automatic THEMification filter to operate.
It's time to eliminate the use and mindset of 'them.'
But it takes sustained, conscious effort to get past 'them, ' and it takes courage.
We all want to believe we're good,
and admitting, even to ourselves,
that we stereotype and exclude others is painful.
But it is possible.
One of the most powerful ways which I've seen work hundreds of times
is through individual stories.
When we really learn someone's story,
'they' become more than a stereotype,
a living being, real, nuanced human being.
An exercise I've led many times over the past decade In The Other's Shoes
has each side retelling in the first person the story
they've just heard from the other;
a real-life role play stepping into their shoes.
Try to imagine, a Palestinian becomes an Israeli and says:
"I come out of a cafe in Tel Aviv and hear a loud explosion.
I see my brother-in-law's blood and body parts all over the street;
another Palestinian attack."
And then the Israeli mirrors back what he's heard from the Palestinian:
"In the middle of the night, the soldiers storm in to occupy our home.
They're screaming at us, humiliating me in front my family,
we're terrified, locked in a small room, and we've done nothing wrong."
In The Other's Shoes really works,
and the reason it works is because once we learn someone's story,
once we understand how they see their truth, their reality,
we don't have to accept that as our truth,
but just by hearing their story, we are changed.
So getting rid past 'them, '
obviously is critical on a global and national level,
but it's also really in our enlightened self-interest.
We can improve all of our relationships,
including our personal relationships, by getting past 'them.'.
We manage to turn our spouses and partners into 'them.'
Has anyone here ever call their spouse or partner,
gone into this mode of, "He always...", "She never..."?
We just created 'them.'
So just imagine how much better
our most important relationships would be free of THEMification.
Mark Twain said:
"Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry, and narrow-mindedness,"
which is why I go to places we think we know everything about,
and we are often wrong.
But we don't have to get on a plane to travel,
we can travel every day in our communities, schools, offices.
Make an effort to really get to know people,
get to know those around us.
We can go from 'them' to 'us.'
Can we interact with one new person a day?
Maybe someone behind us in the supermarket,
with us in the elevator, the barrista at Starbucks,
maybe the homeless person on the street.
By doing that, are we able to get to a place
where when we see someone who seems different,
maybe wearing a sari, a headscarf,
a kippah, a cross, a hoodie,
we stop, we talk to that person, find out who they really are
as fellow individuals;
learn about their life, their family,
beyond that apparent difference?
This is also critical when we travel overseas.
Some friends here in Boston chastised me for spending time with terrorists
when they saw this at a photo exhibition of my work from the Middle East.
Well, Abdulsalaam is a Bedouin entrepreneur
who welcomed my family into his home.
His name actually means "servant of peace".
Yet, he was labeled by some a terrorist, a criminal, a 'them, '
simply because he's wearing an Arab headdress.
We can get past 'them' with four simple steps,
I call them the 4 Cs.
First, we've got to be conscious,
be aware of that stereotypical phrase, "They always..."
We can only change something once we're aware of it.
Second, be curious.
Let curiosity replace our biases, our judgments.
What's it really like in their shoes?
Third, be compassionate toward ourselves, toward others.
Brain research shows
that we're much happier and more open when we're compassionate.
And finally, challenge everything we see, believe, and are told.
Challenge media reports about 'them.'
Challenge everything we've always known about 'them.'
Fight the urge to just support and defend our positions.
And when we catch others THEMifying, challenge.
The 4 Cs really work, and I've seen this many, many times.
For years, India and Pakistan had no diplomatic relations
and risked nuclear war.
I helped catalyze a group of 133 top Indian business leaders,
who walked across the Wagah border to meet with their Pakistani counterparts.
The Indians were expecting to step into a terrorist hell hole,
the ultimate 'them, ' but with ample security.
After we spent three days together,
all the participants became conscious of their stereotypes,
curious about the other's narrative,
compassionate, and challenged their preconceived notions.
This allowed them to really see their similarities,
that the Indians and Pakistanis look the same,
have a shared cultural heritage, and are one people.
'Them' had been overcome.
The 4 Cs also work on a personal level.
I try very hard to be aware of and get past my 'them' prejudices
and it's not easy.
Three years ago, I was in Syria with my family.
We're walking and hear a loud mob chanting.
Well, I'm triggered. I go into fear, freak out.
I've got to protect my family. We're in Syria.
But I'm curious, and I feel really foolish,
when we go closer and find that it's a promotion
for giving chocolate on Mother's Day.
(Laughter)
My curiosity and willingness to challenge my fears means
I didn't come back here
with the story of escaping something horrible in dreaded Syria,
but instead, join the festivities,
and I am hoisted on the shoulders of 'them.'
'Them, ' my new friends.
We all have a long way to go, including me,
but every step forward is significant.
Be conscious, be curious, be compassionate,
and challenge, challenge, challenge.
And remember, there is no 'them'
once you know 'them.'
Thank you very much.
(Applause)