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Hi, I’m Dr. Tamar Gendler, Dean of the Faculty of Arts and Sciences,
and Professor of Philosophy, Psychology, and Cognitive Science at Yale University.
In this video, I’ll be exploring how the support
of our friends can help us build the habits
that sustain a happy life, and make us better people along the way.
Maya has learned a lot about happiness.
It’s not primarily about feeling good or getting what you want.
The foundation of a happy life lies in putting her reflective self in charge,
and forming new habits to bring the rest of her mind along.
To get started, she’s following Aristotle’s advice:
You become a builder by building, and a harpist by playing the harp.
If you want to become something,
act how you would if that was what you already were.
So she’s been practicing gratitude exercises,
engaging in mindfulness meditation,
and trying to avoid unhealthy social comparisons --
all habits psychologists have shown to improve subjective measures of happiness.
These techniques are helping her feel calmer, more focused, and less agitated.
But she has a hard time making herself meditate.
And she can’t help feeling jealous when old
acquaintances share their achievements on social media.
Reminding herself to be grateful for what she has doesn’t always help.
Sometimes it makes things worse.
Sophie isn’t surprised to hear about this.
Knowing that you ought to do something, or even wanting to do it,
doesn’t mean you will do it.
Especially since, for every happiness -increasing habit Maya wants to form,
like avoiding unhealthy comparisons,
there’s a happiness-decreasing habit she has to change,
like obsessively scrolling through her social media feed.
And just like physical health is affected by the environment,
getting your soul in order requires paying attention to the world around you.
We can influence the reactions of the automatic,
unconscious parts of ourselves by changing our physical environment.
If you hide the marshmallow from view,
it becomes much easier to resist the temptation to eat it.
But the social world matters even more.
Friends who are always pressuring you to have ice cream
can be even harder to resist than the pint sitting in your freezer.
Social relationships that push us away from the habits
we’re trying to form make it much more difficult to change.
On the other hand, relationships with supportive people make change easier.
You’re more likely to start exercising if you commit to doing it with a friend.
Joining a study group will help you stay focused
on the exam that you are preparing to take.
Maya thinks back to the meditation group she tried for a few weeks.
It definitely helped her meditate more than she would have.
Part of why other people help us change habits
is that knowing we’re being observed
helps keep us accountable to our own principles and goals.
We want to be recognized as people who uphold our commitment,
and not as people who don’t.
In fact, researchers have even found that you can improve people’s
adherence to their commitments just by putting a mirror in the room.
System 1 detects your eyes in the mirror,
and sends out a signal that you’re being observed.
Even though you’re not, tricking System 1 into
thinking you are can make you feel more accountable.
But most important is real support from people who
have our best interests in mind: family and friends.
Psychologists have shown that strong social relationships improve the immune system,
and lower the risk of depression and anxiety.
They even have measurable practical effects,
like strengthening memory among elderly people,
extending life more than quitting smoking,
and speeding recovery from surgery.
Plus, friendship seems like an essential part of happiness.
As Aristotle said, no one would choose to live without friends.
Maya has always felt happier around her friends.
But now she is getting a deeper understanding
of why they are so important to her happiness.
It’s easier to build the habits of a harmonious soul
with the support of people who want what’s best for you.
It’s even easier if they have some wisdom and experience achieving it themselves.
On the other hand, if you’re influenced by
people who don’t have your best interest in mind,
or have counterproductive ideas about how to be happy,
you’ll be led away from happiness, even if you feel good doing it.
Bad influences can be a lot of fun.
But the habits they lead you to build
are likely to undermine your happiness in the long run.
As the Buddha said, we should “live among the wise”.
Maya thinks about her friends.
Most of them are a lot of fun, and many of
them would be willing to help her out in a jam.
But her best friends care about her simply
for who she is, and want what’s best for her.
Aristotle called these “friendships of virtue”.
He thought that they could only really exist
among people who genuinely care about one another.
If you’re selfish, you can’t really be trusted
to have someone else’s best interests in mind.
Good friendships, he thought, rest on good character.
That’s another reason to choose your friends wisely.
If your friends are people of good character, when you start to act like them,
you will be acting in ways that are good.
And just like you become a builder by building,
you become a good person by doing good things.
It turns out there’s a connection between happiness, friendship, and goodness.
Good friends support us in forming good habits,
which helps lay the foundation for long-term happiness.
And at the same time, letting ourselves be influenced
by good friends also helps us become better people.
Maya smiles. She has a much deeper understanding of what happiness is,
and what it takes to achieve it.
She understands now just how much she doesn’t yet know about herself,
or what a happy life will look like for her.
But with friends like Kathy and Sophie, she is confident that she is on her way.
How do your friends help make you a happier, better person?
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