- Hi guys!
Welcome back to The Parenting Junkie,
the place to go to love parenting,
and for parenting from love.
Today I have some exciting news to share,
we are expecting number three!
And that is really the trigger for this
weeks episode, which is about preparing your children
or child for a new sibling.
If any of you are expecting a new sibling,
congratulations, I hope you feel great,
and that everything goes smoothly and healthily.
And one of the ways to ensure that it goes smoothly
is to prepare your child for the upcoming birth
or adoption.
And there are lots of different ways that
you might want to go about this,
and you'll have to adjust for your child's personality,
your style, and for their age of course.
My kids are two and four.
And so we have different approaches for each of them.
My four year old can understand what it means
to be pregnant and to be expecting a baby in a few months.
And my two year old could not fully grasp that,
although I do believe that they intuit
that changes are happening
and that there's an upcoming transition.
They certainly intuit changes in their parents.
They might not be able to verbally explain
or understand fully exactly what's gonna happen.
Heck it's pretty hard for me to understand
what's gonna happen, so.
So I just wanted to share with you how we
are preparing our children, how I prepared
my first son for our second son.
And what are some of the things that are recommended
to do and not to do, both on the physical level,
and the technical level, and then of course,
most interestingly, on the emotional level.
So let's take a look at some ideas.
First of all consider the timing of
when you're gonna tell your child that you're pregnant.
You don't want your child just hearing you
talking about it in passing with other people,
or noticing that lots of big changes are coming
without any kind of conversation or explanation.
So whatever level your child is at,
try and include them and explain to them
what's going on as early as
makes sense for you and for them.
If your kid is verbal and they're going to start
telling other people about it then,
you've gotta take that into consideration,
whether or not you're ready to share the news.
So the first thing you wanna do is
maybe read books with your kids,
maybe show them pictures of babies inside tummies.
If your child starts to get curious and really wants
to understand where babies come from then,
I refer you to my video about explaining
how babies are made.
But usually it's really just about telling them
that a baby is growing slowly inside mommy.
And it's often very hard for them to visualize
what that looks like, so seeing a picture of that
is really great.
Some kids respond well to coming with to a sonogram,
or to a doctor's office.
And for some kids and parents that's stressful.
So you don't want to necessarily do that.
But seeing pictures of a baby and reading books
about babies coming, if possible, if there are
any babies around you, if your neighbors have a baby
or friends have a baby that your child can see
and see the baby nursing, or bottle feeding,
or getting their diaper changed, any kind of information,
visual input that they can get, a visual read
on what this is gonna look like in our home,
is gonna be really helpful to them.
So try and expose them to babies through books
and through real life, and possibly through
YouTube videos, if you want to explain
that you're gonna be nursing, for example,
you can show them a YouTube video of that.
Another thing to do is to play,
play baby.
So have a baby doll or a teddy bear,
and show them how you're gonna be diapering,
how you're gonna be feeding or nursing,
how you're gonna put the baby to sleep,
where it's OK to touch the baby.
All of these things prepares the child
for when the baby comes so that they're not
bombarded with so many rules and so much change
at that time.
So playing it through is a really good idea.
It's very important to consider the scenario
of the birth itself, where will your children be,
who will be looking after them?
If it's going to be a new caregiver, or someone
that they're not used to all the time,
you really want to get them used to them
at least a few visits before your due date,
so that you can be sure that they feel comfortable
and they're not suddenly dropped with someone
that they don't know or waking up
to someone that they don't know.
And you might want to act out the scenario with them,
again, depending on their level of maturity,
and how verbal they are, you could use little dolls to say,
ooh, mommy's baby's coming, mommy and daddy
are going in the car to the hospital,
Aunt Sylvia is coming to sleep over, or whatever.
Give them as much information about the scenario
as possible without it being overload or scary,
just a simple, look this is what's gonna happen.
Keep it positive, and calm, and safe,
and familiar as possible.
Leading up to your due date,
you really want to create as much stability as possible.
So it's really important to limit transitions in this time.
And you want to consider which transitions
are worth making, which changes are worth making
right now before the baby comes,
and which can wait until a few months after the baby comes.
And you want to kind of create a buffer.
A buffer before and after
the baby is born that is just very boring,
simple, straightforward, repetitive routine.
So that it's very familiar.
And that your child doesn't have
a series of transitions to deal with,
but really just the baby joining.
So creating that buffer means
considering things like, is your child
going to have to move bedroom or bed
when the baby comes?
Is your child going to have to be weaned from nursing?
Is he going to have some kind of change
in school or in routine, or is daddy suddenly
going to be taking him in the morning instead of mommy?
That type of thing.
So you want to consider as much as possible which changes
are going to have to be made at the time of the birth,
and think about making them a few months in advance,
or a few months post-birth, for example,
a baby doesn't use a high chair until
they're about six months old, so if your young child
is still in their high chair, they can have
quite a long time after the birth
before they need to transition into a different chair.
You really do not want to be pushing your child
into the role of older brother or older sister.
It should be something that's joyful and calm,
and natural, and organically develops,
and not something like, oh the baby's coming
so now no more high chair for you,
and no more pacifier for you,
and no more crib for you.
As much as possible don't do that.
Allow your child to stay in the stage that they're in.
Even if they're very young.
Even if they regress a little bit.
It's very, very normal for that to happen,
and they may very much need to hold on to those things
and see that they are still your baby,
and they still need to be your baby
even though you'll have another baby coming too.
So if there are transitions that need to be made,
say that you've decided you're not going to be
nursing anymore, or say that you absolutely
need to move around rooms, try and do that
at least two or three months in advance
so that you have that buffer,
where the child is used to a certain routine,
and that routine carries on as much as possible.
So the next thing I want to talk about is,
really leading on from this point of not forcing them
into being the older sibling.
In the book Siblings Without Rivalry,
they talk about this scenario where
a husband comes home and tells his wife,
darling, I'm so excited, I'm bringing home
a younger, really cute, really sweet wife.
And you're gonna look after her, and you're gonna be
the big sister and you're gonna play with her.
And just consider the feelings of jealousy
and fury that that can evoke.
And the idea here is to understand that
a new sibling can be really exciting and wonderful,
and it can also be really threatening and unpleasant
and not a wanted thing for an older sibling.
And both of those emotions
and perspectives coexist, and we need to respect that
and allow for them both.
And Janet Lansbury talks a lot about
inviting in the negative emotions,
inviting in a space where it's safe for your child to say
I hate the baby, I don't want the baby.
Or I hate you for having the baby, or that type of thing.
And we're not gonna force them to like the baby
or to like the idea of the baby.
And we might be very surprised.
They might be very negative about it
before the birth and then love the baby
once the baby comes, or they might
have the opposite reaction.
But we, as parents need to center ourselves
and understand that any response is a valid one.
And any feeling towards a baby is valid.
And that it is very hard to lose your position
as the youngest, for example,
or to feel that mommy's super distracted now,
or daddy's very stressed,
or that everyone's tired, that type of thing,
or that the baby's taking your place in some way.
And we need to respect that, and we need to
allow our children space to express those feelings
and our job is really just to validate them,
really just to say, yes, it is hard, I understand,
it's not always easy being a big brother,
it's not always what you wanted.
Sometimes you don't even like the baby.
And to keep reassuring our children that they are
so important to us, and that their place
has not been replaced.
And that our love has multiplied and not divided.
So in this vein you want to avoid things
like saying big boys don't cry,
or big girls are helpers.
It is not your child's job to help you with your baby.
If they want to that's wonderful,
but don't put them in that position.
Don't put them in the position of
you have to help me now, I have my hands full
with the baby.
Just be really appreciative and encouraging
when they are helpful, but not
demanding of it, because that will probably induce
again, feelings of resentment towards the baby
and towards you.
And if there are certain things that you really need
your child to now do for themselves,
for example, if you can't hold your toddler anymore
because you're going to be holding your baby,
if you have this kind of mindset that
you're gonna force them into that transition
before the baby comes, they're absolutely gonna start
walking by themselves always, and never ask
to be held before the baby comes,
you're probably going to be subconsciously
putting that pressure on them and on you,
and it may well backfire.
So if you can encourage it in a very positive
and calm way when they're interested
in walking by themselves, that's great,
and allow it to happen as much as possible.
Do that, but I think that if you push them into it
that can really backfire, and they can become
even more clingy and needy, which is the opposite
of what you wanted to create.
There's kind of sometimes this notion
that we need to prepare our kids for the next stage
for something difficult that's gonna happen to them
by imposing that difficulty on them now.
So, for example, a lot of people say
well they're not gonna have time with me
when the baby comes, so they have to get used to that now.
There is a validity to that point, in other words,
if they're going to be spending a lot more time with daddy,
then yeah, maybe it's a good idea for them to be
starting to do that now so it's not a sudden change.
On the other hand, consider the idea that
you don't prepare for a famine by starving.
You prepare by filling up.
And your kids are always going to need attention from you
and time with you.
So consider trying to take some really low key days
where there's a lot of alone time,
and a lot of attention, so that it fills their bucket up
and they come to the time of the birth
not feeling deprived already,
not feeling hungry already for your love,
and it can kind of see them through that period of time
when it's going to be harder for you
to be available for them.
Often when a new baby is coming,
a young child is going to regress and become more babyish,
and be more clingy, and say I'm a baby,
or behave like a baby or have potty training regressions
or that type of thing.
That's really really normal, and I think
it's just very important to reinforce to them
that they are your baby, and that everything is safe,
and that you are still their mommy.
I wanted to recommend a couple of books to read
before your child has a sibling.
I really love the book Siblings Without Rivalry
by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish.
This book is not a new book,
it's been around quite a long time,
but it's really very fantastic, and it covers a lot.
It's probably more geared towards an older age,
a more verbal age.
But it's a great way to prepare yourself
for having siblings at home.
And the second one is, of course,
by Dr Laura Markham, and that's
Peaceful Parent, Happy Siblings.
And this one is more geared towards
the younger ages as well including babies.
So that's a really helpful read.
And as you know I love Dr Markham's work.
So get your hands on these
and read up before baby comes,
that's a great idea too.
Another just tip that I wanted to say,
and I know this sounds almost impossible,
but it's really vital to focus on self-care
when you're preparing for a new baby
to come into the family.
As you know, of course, you're going to have less time,
and less sleep, and all of that might be true,
but, it's possible to rearrange your priorities
and to make sure that your bucket is full.
You will not be able to fill your child's bucket
and to keep everyone feeling (laughing)
somewhat emotionally safe,
unless you feel that way yourself.
So whether it's taking some time away from your children
completely,
or just taking pockets of the day to treat yourself
with kindness and gentleness,
a yummy cup of tea, or a few minutes to meditate,
or an extra hour in bed with a babysitter
looking after your kids, do it,
because it's so worth it for your kids to have
you feeling good.
So if you're expecting, a huge congratulations.
And thank you so much for watching.
If this was at all helpful for you,
I would love it if you could share it with
anyone who you think it might help.
And please subscribe to the channel,
it means the world to me.
The best place to have a conversation about
preparing your child for a new sibling
is over at theparentingjunkie.com.
So head on over there now and leave a comment.
I love to hear what you guys have to say.
Keep on loving parenting,
and parenting from love because your children need you,
almost as much as you need them, bye!
The Parenting Junkie.