How often should you be contacting your ex after no contact? That's what we're going
to be talking about in this video, but first my name is Clay with modernlove.life where
we help you get the great loving relationship that you're looking for without having to
play hard to get, without having to play mind games, and without having to pretend to be
someone or something that you are not because you deserve to be loved for the unique, amazing,
and wonderful person that you are. If you agree with me, do me a favor by hitting
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video and that you think it might help other people out there who might not know how often
they should be contacting their ex. Help someone else out if you find this video helpful by
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Also, I did want to let you know that we do have a course called the Ex Solution Program
that walks you through the process of connecting with your ex on an emotional level, which
is what we're going to be talking about in this video. You can find out more info on
that down in the description box below, but I'm not going to twist your arm on it. If
it's right for you, cool. If it's not right for you, that's totally all right as well
too. Okay, so I know that there are a lot of people
out there that you might also be watching on YouTube that could be telling you some
very strict, rigid rules, like, "You must absolutely always 100% of the time do no contact,
and it must be for this specific amount of time, 30 days. Then afterwards, you want to
do this, and then only contact your ex this number of times or this frequency because
doing anything different is going to make you look desperate and needy," or something
like that. If you've watched any other of my videos, because you have subscribed to
the channel, you should probably know that that is not what I would recommend.
I don't like these arbitrary rigid rules because they basically amount to turning your brain
off and just blindly following some arbitrary plan. That's not what I want you to do. I
want you to be in control of your relationship and be able to consciously choose what to
do every step of the way. My hope is that you having gone through these videos that
I make, maybe some of our courses or getting coaching or something like that, that you
are able to actually be in charge of your own relationship and that you don't always
need someone like me to say, "Hey, what do I do next? Hey, what should I do next?" Maybe
that would be good for business if I had you constantly dependent on me or something, but
I don't think it's going to help you have a great relationship. I want you to be able
to feel into the situation and know what the right thing is.
With that being said, I don't want you to just turn your brain off and robotext your
ex like once a week or something like that. That might work for some people. That might
not work for other people, so don't just check out and just say, "Okay, I'm just going to
robotically text my ex every three days or once a week," or, "I'm just going to sit in
the corner and pout and wait for them to crawl over broken shards of glass to get in contact
with me." Again, these things can work for some people
some of the time, but they don't work for all people all of the time, so I don't think
that it makes sense for anyone to just be making broad statements like that. What does
work though is to realize that, generally speaking, you can contact your ex as much
as you want to as long as the interactions are bringing the two of you closer together
and feel good on an emotional level. If they ever start to not feel good and they ever
start to actually push the two of you away from one another, then it means that something's
not working, and we should probably stop contacting them so that we stop ourselves from doing
further damage to whatever isn't working and we take a pause and we reevaluate what we
need to do moving forward. Maybe that means some kind of no contact thing. Maybe that
means just chilling out for a day or two. I don't know, but we want to feel into the
situation and know what the right thing to do is.
Also, another concern when somebody is confused about how often they should contact their
ex or not is that it's a bit symptomatic to me of the fact that them and their ex are
not on the same team. Now, what do I mean by that? Now, obviously, if you and your ex
are on different teams, that can show up as really hostile sorts of interactions where
they hate your guts, they are shooting eye daggers at you, they are talking very poorly
about you. That's a very obvious example of the two of you being on different teams.
But there's also a very subtle way that people are expressing and being on different teams.
It includes things like thinking that your ex is this person over there that you have
to calculate how they're going to respond to things. You have to calculate what they're
going to say or what they're going to do next. You have to walk on eggshells around them.
You have to try to read their mind or something like that. Instead of just saying, "Hey, can
I have a little bit of space?" you feel like you have to just not tell them and then just
create distance or something like that. These are symptoms that maybe you and your ex aren't
on the same team, or at least that they might not see you as being on the same team as them,
or maybe you don't see them as being on the same team as you.
What we do want to do in maybe a broader sense is actually bring the two of you onto the
same team so that you can just do things that are stupid easy like, "Hey, am I contacting
you too much? If so, let me know. I'm totally okay to give you space, but just let me know
so that I know what to expect moving forward." That's the easiest possible thing. Maybe it
doesn't occur to a lot of people because they're so stuck in the dynamic of being on different
teams, on being on opposing teams that they think that they have to like what their ex
is going to do where they have to drop hints and hope that their ex takes the hint because
for some reason, it just doesn't occur to them to actually just directly say, "Hey,
I think I need a little bit of space. Don't take it the wrong way. It's just about me,"
or maybe it is about you. "Hey, I need a little bit of space. The last interaction we had
was a bit intense," or whatever. But what I want you to do in a bigger picture
sense is to actually have a conversation with them where two of you actually can get on
the same team. That's what we call the Same Team Conversation. I know, I'm incredibly
original with these titles, but that's what we would call the Same Team Conversation.
How you set that up is get in contact with them, go through, build rapport, deepen from
surface level to emotional connection, do some reward and relate cycles. By the way,
if you don't know what I'm talking about when it comes to all of that stuff, go ahead and
check out this playlist over here on advanced relational skills. It goes into what we call
advanced relational skills, which are about how to connect on an emotional level, how
to develop more of an emotional connection with your ex or really anyone, but it helps,
works pretty well with people's exes, so go ahead and check that out if you need to, but
through doing that, you'll probably end up getting into rapport.
Then what you want to do is you want to say, "Hey, while we're talking like this, there's
something I want to make sure that we're both in agreement on, and that's that I know that
it can be confusing maybe how we fit into each other's lives right now that we're broken
up. I mean, I still care for you, but clearly, we're not in a relationship. I could understand
if you felt confused from time to time too. Rather than having to just be confused alone,
me being confused on my own and you being confused on your own, why don't we just talk
to each other, agree that we're on the same team. If things ever start to seem too weird
or if we start to get in over our heads or if things start to move too fast or something
or if you ever start to feel uncomfortable or if I ever start to feel uncomfortable,
just tap me on the shoulder and let me know, and we'll find out something that works for
us rather than us having to create this distance and hope that the other person picks up the
hint or me trying to read your mind or you're trying to read my mind or something like that.
Let's just be on the same team. Is that something that you can agree to?"
Once you have that agreement in place, you can actually start to anchor back to it and
reference back to it and say, "Hey, you remember that time that we had that conversation about
being on the same team? Well, it seems like you're kind of pulling away right now. Is
it that you just need some space? Is being in contact with me too much pressure or too
stressful for you. If so, just let me know. If it's something else, if maybe you're just
busy with work or whatever, then that's totally all right too, but just let me know so that
I know what to expect." Then boom, simple as that, or maybe because
you've had that Same Team Conversation, they come to you, and they say, "Hey, don't take
it the wrong way, but I just need a little bit of space right now," or once again, like
I said before, maybe it is because of you. "Hey, actually, because of that last interaction
we had was really intense, I just need some space right now to process it."
That way, you know, that way, they know, and there's less of the mind reading that needs
to happen. The two of you were able to communicate them a lot more clearly, and you don't have
to ask yourself, "How often do I need to text my ex," or, "How often should I be contacting
my ex? How much is too much? How much is too little," because you can just bring them into
the fold, and the two of you can just be partners in terms of not necessarily romantic partners,
although it might get there, but partners in terms of creating a dynamic that works
for the two of you. That's really what I'd recommend that you
do in the longer term way after you just build up that positive interaction, deepen to the
emotional level, create that sense of rapport, like what we talk about in ESP, the Ex Solution
Program, but by the way, if you do want to learn more about that, we have links for that
in the description box below. Check it out if you want to learn more about these advanced
relational skills, more about developing rapport, emotional connection, and all of that stuff.
If it's right for you, cool. If it's not right for you, no worries.
But anyway, hope that helps you out. Thank you so much for watching this video. If you
like what we're doing here, please hit that thumbs up button. It does help us out. Subscribe
to the channel as well too so that you can get notifications and updates when we upload
and post new videos. Thank you so much. If you do want to learn more about those advanced
relational skills, we have this video playlist right here, or you might want to check out
this video over here. Hope you have a great day, and thank you so much for watching.