-Welcome, everybody.
Welcome, welcome to "The Tonight Show"!
[ Cheers and applause ]
You guys, I'm so excited about this.
From the mega hit show, "Stranger Things,"
Millie Bobby Brown is my guest tonight!
[ Cheers and applause ]
My fave.
Well, speaking of "stranger things,"
Kanye West is in the news.
[ Laughter ]
After losing his deal with Adidas,
Kanye showed up, unannounced, yesterday
at Skechers headquarters and was escorted out.
[ Laughter ]
That's too bad, 'cause if there's one company
that could help him "shape up," it's Skechers.
You know, you'd think --
[ Laughter, cheers, applause ]
Yeah, when Kanye showed up, the CEO said, "Call security."
And his assistant was like, "This is Skechers.
We don't have security." [ Laughter ]
I feel like, pretty soon, Kanye's gonna hit up
whoever makes those free paper sandals
after you get a pedicure.
[ Laughter ]
Speaking of "stranger things," Elon Musk is in the news.
Elon Musk is close to buying Twitter, and, yesterday,
he walked into their headquarters carrying a sink
just so that he could tweet -- this is real --
"Entering Twitter HQ. Let that sink in."
[ Laughter ]
[ Rimshot ]
-Come on.
-That pun cost him $44 billion.
Worth it? I think so.
Just when you thought Kanye made the most bizarre entrance,
Elon was like, "Hold my sink." You know?
[ Laughter ]
Well, you guys, Halloween is just a few days away.
You excited about Halloween?
[ Cheers and applause ]
I read that the top three candies in the U.S.
are Reese's, Skittles, and M&M's.
Those are all pretty solid.
Tariq, what's your favorite candy?
-Mine? I like Junior Mints.
-Mm. [ Laughter ]
-Swedish Fish?
-Nah, bish.
-Wax lips?
-Goes to my hips.
[ Laughter ]
-Starburst?
-Could be worse.
-Now and Later? -I ain't a hater.
-Mike and Ike?
-I do not like.
-Raisinets?
-I would not get.
-Red Vines? -Always divine.
-Lifesavers?
-Every flavor.
-Bit-O-Honey?
-Ha-ha! You're funny.
-Dum Dums? -Yum, yum, yum.
-Jujubes?
-Bitch, please!
[ Laughter ]
-Goo Goo Cluster?
-Hell yeah, mother [bleep]
-Cotton candy? -Sweetie, go!
-♪ Let me see that tootsie roll ♪
♪ Oh, tootsie roll ♪
♪ Tootsie roll ♪
♪ Tootsie roll, let me see that tootsie roll ♪
[ Cheers and applause ]
[ Laughter ]
-All that for just --
-Switching gears, uh... [ Laughter ]
After finishing their annual nuclear exercises,
today, Vladimir Putin said that Russia would not use
nuclear weapons in Ukraine.
People are like, "Okay. But what about the other countries?"
[ Laughter ]
Guys, of course, it's election season,
and there's a weird story from Pennsylvania.
Apparently, a Democrat named Mike Doyle
is retiring from Congress, and the Republican candidate
to replace him is actually named Mike Doyle.
[ Laughter ]
While the outgoing Democrat, Mike Doyle,
doesn't want the Republican Mike Doyle to win his seat,
so he just released this ad. Take a look.
-Mike Doyle says he'll take care of Pennsylvania voters,
but can we really trust someone like Mike Doyle?
-Hi, I'm Mike Doyle, and I'm a name you can trust,
unlike Mike Doyle.
So, listen to me, Mike Doyle,
and stay the hell away from Mike Doyle.
On election day, don't vote for this man,
Mike Doyle -- no, wait.
That's me. Avoid this this guy.
Wait. Is that me or him?
[Bleep] I don't even know anymore.
-This has been a message from
the Mike Doyle Against Mike Doyle PAC.
-Mike Doyle, Mike Doyle.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Well, get this, guys, I heard that Pfizer
is being investigated for allegedly hiding
more than a billion dollars in profit
by transferring money to other countries.
Yeah, not good. Well, in response,
Pfizer went ahead and released this statement, and they said...
[ Cheers and applause ]
It sounds serious. -Wow.
-Pfight. -Pfight.
-Pfight -- Pfight me, sorry, yeah.
Well, some entertainment news.
Henry Cavill says that, in his next performance as Superman,
he'll be playing a, quote, "Enormously joyful Superman."
"Enormously joyful Superman."
We actually have an early clip of enormously joyful Superman.
Take a look at this.
-I know you're trying to find out where I hang my cape.
You won't.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Looks good. I can't wait.
-I can't wait to see it. -Yeah.
I saw a new report that says that people should not rake
all the leaves out of their yard
because it's actually better for your lawn's health.
So, I think, with that in mind,
it's time to say goodbye to my rake.
Rake, are you there?
-A lifetime of autumns together
and this is how I find out I'm fired.
-Come on, rake, don't think of it as fired.
Think of it as retiring.
You can now do anything you want.
-Man, I want to rake leaves.
Fall is my whole personality.
-Look, your future is what you make it.
We'll see you in the spring,
when it's time to clear the flower beds.
-You're right, Jimmy.
Hey, we had some good times, though.
Remember high school?
[ Laughter ]
I used to hang out with you and your friends.
Watching you guys play hoops,
hoping you'd take a rake break.
[ Laughter ]
Who was that guy that used to pour out half his Gatorade
then fill the empty half with Yoo-Hoo
and call it Gator-Hoo?
[ Laughter ]
Ed Zipperton. Man, that guy was cool.
He pantsed me at prom while I was dancing alone
to "Lady in Red."
It was the part where it goes...
[ Laughs ]
♪ The lady in red ♪
-Yeah, it was.
-♪ Is dancing with me ♪
♪ Cheek to cheek ♪
[ Laughter ]
Then, shoop!
That's the sound of my pants going down.
And the worst part is, my pants got caught on my prom boots.
Yeah, the tuxedo rental man at the mall tricked me
into paying extra for something called prom boots.
[ Laughter ]
They were just Dr. Martens that he spray-painted bright green.
[ Laughter ]
Oh, wait! I forgot.
I'm supposed to be doing the voice of a rake.
[ Laughter ]
Not reciting a page from my diary.
-This has been another edition
of "Making James Read Lines He's Never Seen Before."
[ Cheers and applause ]
[ Laughter ]
-I miss that rake.
[ Laughter ]
Guys, listen to this.
A new study found that, in the U.S., deli meat is linked
to more than 90% of all listeria cases.
Right now, the CEO of Blimpie is like,
"Well, that's what you get for using real meat."
[ Laughter ]
Well, guys, this is very interesting.
A new survey found that you can have the best chance
of surviving a zombie apocalypse in Florida.
I wonder why that is.
-[ Scoffs ] Because even zombies
are too afraid to visit Florida.
[ Laughter ]
-You know what?
No.
You know what? No.
I'm tired of all the Florida slander.
We always make fun of Florida, but I'm putting my foot down.
It's a great state full of great people.
-Listen to this next story. A Florida man
is accused of spiking his co-worker's drink with bleach.
-See? Florida is scary, dude.
-Oh, come on. I'm sure he had a perfectly good reason.
-He confessed to deputies, saying he wanted
to get back at his co-worker for "being difficult."
[ Laughter ]
-"Being difficult"?
-That's just one guy.
It's a random workplace incident.
Not everyone in Florida is chasing people around,
trying to hurt them.
-A Florida man is accused of chasing two people with knives.
[ Laughter ]
-You're done. You're done, man.
Case closed.
-I mean -- I mean, it was just only a knife.
-They say he didn't stop with the knives.
He also grabbed an axe.
[ Laughter ]
-I'm telling you, man, Florida is scary!
-That's a fluke between a few people.
It's not like he was knocking on doors in the wee hours
of the morning while wielding a machete.
-A man in a South Florida neighborhood knocking on doors
in the wee hours of the morning while wielding a machete.
[ Laughter ] -Come on.
-Look, at least they're keeping it within state lines.
You know, it's not like they're coming to your house
and stealing the food out of your mouth.
-Three Florida men were arrested in a multi-million dollar
theft ring of stolen meat across the Midwest.
-What's your excuse this time?
-Maybe they were -- they were giving the food to the needy.
-The men were selling the meat on the black market.
-All right, forget it! Let's talk about something else!
I'm not --
[ Cheers and applause ]
Finally, Essentia water has teamed up
with a boxed-wine company
to sell water and wine in one box.
Look at this.
Yeah.
In a related story, they're currently being sued by Jesus.
[ Laughter and applause ] We have a great show!