Oh my God, this got deep.
Hello underachievers!
So this video is sponsored by DELL and their new XPS 13 laptop
with Intel's Evo, but we'll get onto that later.
So I haven't really made a video about my transition in a long time.
I think it's been 4 months,
and I'm not gonna lie, that was kind of on purpose, you know?
Being trans has so little to do with my life right now,
that I just kind of don't really think about it
and I haven't felt I need to talk about it on here, which is nice.
I had top surgery 2 years ago, you know?
I've been on testosterone for almost 3 years,
which is crazy to me but, you know?
My transition is fundamentally over.
I don't really enjoy talking about being trans
because it's such a small aspect of me
and I feel like every time I talk about it,
people, you know,
people see it more and more as the early part of me,
which is so...
Is so boring!
Like there is absolutely nothing wrong with making your entire content
about being trans, but I didn't start Youtube in aim to do that
and I'm not gonna continue Youtube
you know, just be like a trans youtuber.
I never really have considered myself like a "trans youtuber"
but like, over the years, obviously, other people have.
People just love to categorize people and that's just been an easy one
to categorize me as, because yeah, I have made a lot of videos about being trans.
I've gotten to a point in my life where
the only time I ever really think about being trans
is when I come on the Internet, BUT
I do know that me being vocal about my experience
and, you know, talking about trans stuff can help a lot of people.
That's kind of why I do it now.
When I was younger I literally watched every
like "One Year on Testosterone" video on the Internet.
Trans youtubers did, you know, like help me a lot.
And I get trans related questions every day.
And I've kind of not been acknowledging them as much anymore so
I thought, you know, after 4 months.
I'm gonna make a video answering all the questions
that I just haven't talked about.
So let's go!
One hundred percent. ONE HUNDRED PERCENT
I get this question a lot
and it makes a lot of sense.
I feel like a lot of the time I'll post a picture where I'm shirtless
or a video where I'm shirtless and people would be like:
"Why are you shirtless all the time?".
Like: "Stop trying to show off your body".
That's really not what it is,
genuinely, like 90% of the time,
I am not wearing a top.
I've always been like that, since I was a kid,
I just don't like wearing clothes that much.
Like any opportunity as a kid, that I had to just not wear clothes
I took it.
Just because it feels free, you feel free.
And obviously, as I grew up and I went through puberty,
that became less and less...
Socially acceptable and it may be very uncomfortable,
for obvious reasons.
When I got to a stage where I couldn't really do that anymore.
I, you know, I really missed the freedom
and it was... It sounds stupid. It really upsets me.
I had major chest dysphoria
and nobody saw my chest apart from my surgeon,
but, as soon as, I had my top surgery
I was like, back to childhood level of freedom.
I just felt so free.
I know it sounds really stupid, but I feel like a lot of people
that are able to just be like, shirtless
and like comfortable with their body, really take it for granted,
because I had that as a kid
and then I lost it.
So, to answer the question,
100% I would still be as shirtless as I am now.
I definitely feel like I made up for the last years, though.
This is like, a difficult question to answer because
straight up in my brain, my brain is telling me like "yeah",
and I'm not saying that taking testosterone changes your sexuality because
it ABSOLUTELY does not.
what it DOES do... (for me, at least)
It brought me to a point where i was comfortable enough
to actually explore my sexuality.
When I was a girl, everybody assumed I was a lesbian
because I was masculine
and apparently, being masculine,
means that you like girls.
Obviously we know that it doesn't,
but I guess the people surrounding me didn't know that.
But the fact that people assumed I was a lesbian
is in like, a girl, which was a no-no,
who liked girls,
which was also a no-no for me because
I do have a preference for men.
I guess I must have like rejected that aspect of myself?
like I wanted to get as far away from the label of lesbian
as possible, because to me, that just meant girl, girl, girl!
Which I guess it does...
But yeah, after having top surgery and being on testosterone for a while,
I reached a level of like, comfort,
that I hadn't had since I was a kid, so I was able to like, explore those things.
Before I started T, I thought I was gay,
and now I'm definitely bisexual.
I was probably bisexual the whole time, but testosterone just allowed me to explore that.
No.
At this point in time, no.
It definitely when I was younger, it absolutely did.
Pretty much every song I've written has been about my feelings.
But, obviously, you know, a few years ago
I was in like a deep pit
in depression, I was not doing too good
and a lot of that was because I was trans and in the closet
and had a lot of dysphoria.
So obviously that'll come out in my music.
The stuff I write is kind of like a snapshot
of what I'm feeling at that specific time.
So obviously I'll be writing about trans stuff back then,
because that really took over my entire life.
Obviously, 'Asthma Attack' has some stuff
sprinkled
I was gonna say sprinkled in there about being trans,
it was STABBED in there about being trans.
I think I've written like 2 songs about being trans.
I've written a bunch of other songs
that aren't about being trans.
But both those songs about being trans were written when I was 17
and before I came out and when I was dealing with a lot of dysphoria,
it's just, that's just how I was feeling at the time.
Not to be Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana,
best of both worlds, kind of guy,
but as a trans guy I have experienced life being perceived as a girl
but I've also experienced life being perceived as a guy.
I definitely feel like I have a very unique point of view
when it comes to sexism.
I definitely experienced the rubbish that girls had to grow up
experiencing, you know, like, I wasn't taken seriously,
I wasn't considered as smart or as strong as guys,
I wasn't considered as funny.
To be honest, the role that I played as a girl in school,
at least, was like,
I was like "the funny girl",
I was like "one of the guys".
I don't think it was intentionally, like I'm not like "the other girls",
because obviously I wasn't, because I was a guy, but...
even though I was like, "one of the guys",
I definitely experienced the brunt of like,
what girls experience growing.
But now that I'm perceived as a guy,
I have access to the conversations that men have about women
behind closed doors, you know?
Like "locker room talk", just sexes.
And hearing those conversations really just reminds me
of being a young girl and, you know,
the weird dynamics between like, teenage boys and teenage girls.
Having both of those experiences
really made me think of sexism in a different way.
I'm kind of just hyper-aware of sexism now
and it sucks! Sexism sucks,
the fact that I am aware of it now
is not the sucky bit,
because it means that I can call it out more.
Absolutely not! No.
I still have dysphoria but it's so miniscule compared to what it was,
that it's not even worth mentioning.
The online community that I'm in now is very LGBT based,
I know a lot of trans people, know a lot of gay people,
know a lot of everybody.
No all the LGBT's, but definitely,
if I hadn't started speaking about trans stuff on Youtube,
I would be in a completely different community,
I would not have to witness some of the horrific drama
but I would also be in a completely different place in my life,
so it's like, whatever.
Speaking of Youtube...
Let's go on to the sponsor of this video.
DELL
May I just bring forth the fact
that you would not be able to be watching this video
if I didn't have my new DELL XPS 13.
I actually edited this video on my new laptop.
Well I haven't yet. I'm currently filming it.
It's this laptop! Let me show you her angles real quick.
So skinny.
I love her so much, or him, or them.
So I've obviously been making Youtube videos for a few years.
I started out filming and editing them on my phone
and then I ended up getting a nice camera
and then I was still editing the videos on my phone
and then I finally got a laptop and started editing my videos on that.
But, to be completely honest,
the laptop just is not, and was not, good enough.
I've had this laptop for about a week, and oh my God!
The difference that it's made.
My old laptop was like fine, but it did a bunch of stuff
that like, as an editor, you don't want,
so like it would shut down all the time, randomly
it would overheat.
I actually ended up having to re-edit a bunch of my favorite videos from this channel,
a bunch of times, because my old laptop
just could not handle that amount of video.
Editing my videos on the new XPS is honestly
such a different experience, it's so much smoother.
I haven't experienced any overheating, any lagging...
It literally just performs so well
and it's also very pretty.
When I edit I'll literally sit for hours, and hours, and hours,
I won't let anything distract me,
I won't eat, I won't sleep,
and oh my God, that is so easy to do with the new laptop.
It is a machine!
Oh my God, oh yeah!
It's literally a machine.
Also, funnily enough, I make music.
I hope you guys know that, you should know that by now.
I just got signed, by the way, which means more music,
but that also means a lot more demos to record.
which I had struggled with a lot, before I. got this laptop.
My old laptop could not handle more than a few audio tracks at a time,
but the XPS, oh my God. Oh my God.
I've been trying out some new music editing software and, wow,
it edits so smooth!
I can actually send off demos to the label that I'm happy with.
I don't have to sacrifice anything just to get them working.
I can really just have such an easier time being creative on this laptop.
I actually have a new demo that I made on the laptop,
if you want to hear it.
SECRET DEMO! Secret demo,
I'll show it to you.
I made that on this!
So yeah, if you're interested in this new laptop,
check out the link in my description.
It's a high-end product that you will not regret it.
Yes and no.
There are a few things I hate more than being known just as a trans guy.
to me it's like such a tiny minuscule part of who I am,
it really is!
But like everybody's interested in it, so I've talked about it,
because people have wanted me to.
Like I've literally seen people describe me as a trans youtuber
and instead of...
And in like random conversations, even when it isn't relevant,
people have been like: "Oh, Noah, he's a trans guy".
BORING.
And it really does annoy me when people are just like:
"Oh he only has followers because he's trans".
That's really not true.
My most viewed video is not trans related at all,
it's just a video of me singing
and the reason I actually started gaining on Youtube,
in the first place was because one of my singing videos went viral.
But, you know, it kind of makes me less proud
of like the stuff I've done,
when people are just like: "Oh, you just got there because you're trans".
because that's absolutely just not the case.
But, you know, I wouldn't have made half the friends that I have now
if I didn't come out as trans online.
There are people that i just wouldn't have met,
there are opportunities that I wouldn't have had,
so I don't like outright regret it.
If anything i just wish people stopped
obsessing over that aspect of me.
There are a ton of different ways
that trans people have kids.
One way trans men can have biological kids
is they can get pregnant.
It is absolutely entirely possible to get pregnant,
while you're on testosterone, but obviously once you're pregnant,
you should not be taking testosterone.
The way that I plan on having biological kids in the future,
I do not ever want to get pregnant at all,
ever in my life.
I already considered fertility before I start testosterone
which I'm glad I did
and if you're already on testosterone, don't worry, don't panic,
there are still things you could do to have biological kids.
But before I started testosterone,
I got my eggs frozen, so I had to inject myself
with follicle stimulating hormones.
It made it so that I had a bunch of mature eggs inside of me
and then, you know, after a few weeks of everything sucking,
I got some eggs removed and frozen.
So because I'm not planning on ever getting pregnant,
I am planning on having a surrogate,
so my frozen eggs will get unfrozen and then, a sperm,
a sperm, whoever sperm I choose to use
will be, you know, added,
put into a surrogate and then a baby
will have my genetics.
Obviously, this is a lot more complicated
than just getting pregnant.
But that makes me so uncomfortable,
so that's never gonna happen.
Oh my God, yes, absolutely
I feel like not a lot of people talk about this
and if they do, I just haven't seen it, but
the few months after I came out to everybody,
were like dreadful.
Lovely but also dreadful.
There are so many feelings going on
when you come out.
On the one hand I was so happy that after years, and years,
and years of knowing I was trans,
and after years, and years, and years
having dysphoria, you know? Since I was five.
After years of that, there were people calling me Noah,
there were people calling me "he"
all people would treat me as a guy...
That was great!
But what didn't feel great was the amount of guilt that I felt
for, you know, changing up everybody's life.
It was terrifying.
Just the fact that everybody that knew me, everybody that loved me,
would have to change how they perceive me,
even though I really am not different to how I was before,
I'm just more comfortable
The fact that everybody had to make such an effort, you know,
call me Noah, used the right pronouns.
They all had to get it through their heads
that I wasn't who they thought I was.
Even though it's really not a big deal,
it's just a change of pronouns, change your name,
obviously, to everybody else, it's a huge deal.
Can I just correct myself and say that, to everybody else, it wasn't a huge deal,
literally no one was surprised.
I just felt that it would be such a big deal.
I felt so incredibly guilty
because I did this massive thing
that made me so much happier,
but, you know, it also impacted everybody else's life.
I shouldn't have felt guilt,
but I did and it was terrifying.
Also I spent years being terrified
that people would find out that you know,
I got called Noah,
so that my body had like built up this thing
that whenever I heard the word Noah,
around people that didn't know me as Noah,
I would get so stressed out,
like even just the name being brought up I was like:
"Oh God, they know".
So then being called that name, even though it's the name that I've chosen
and the name that like I felt was very me.
Even though that, it was terrifying for a few months
because I had still associated that name
with like panic.
It's a weird thing, it is very overwhelming,
at least it was for me.
But yeah, I felt really weird
at the beginning.
Having my parents call me a different name than they called me
my entire life is
weird
for a bit.
but now it's absolutely fine.
So last question for today, I've actually enjoyed this video,
because it's good questions and not just like "when are you getting the surgery".
But last question:
I have not always been okay with it,
so...
I would have to explain my whole life story
to actually have everybody understand,
but I've always felt like a guy,
I used to tell kids on the playground
that my name was Alex and that I was a boy.
I've always felt like a dude.
I used to make packers out of Play-Doh,
I've always been very boy,
whatever boy is, I've always had it.
But I didn't have the word trans at all,
up until I was a teenager.
So I spent my whole life being uncomfortable knowing that something was up,
but not really knowing what it was,
and in some ways finding the word 'trans' was nice,
because it was like: "Oh my God, this finally explains everything,
I've finally got an answer".
But in a lot of most other ways it was terrifying.
I did not want to be trans,
I didn't want to admit to myself that I was trans,
because that would mean,
having a lot of changes in my life,
and I am terrified of any change,
like genuinely, even small changes in everyday life
like really screw with me for some reason.
So if I've like planned out my entire day
and, you know, at 2 p.m. I'm supposed to be going to the shops,
but then, suddenly, I can't go to the shops at 2 p.m.
My brain gets so stressed out for no reason.
I'll be like: "Oh, but I was supposed to go at 2".
So the thought of big changes
like name changes, body changes,
like everything changes was terrifying.
I remember binding my chest for the first time
and I was so upset,
because it felt good and I just remember looking in the mirror,
trying to convince myself that it was like, wrong?
Like genuinely I remember wrapping like sports tape around my chest
and then looking at myself in the mirror and trying to convince myself
that I didn't like feel comfortable.
I was like: "Oh, isn't it such a good thing?
that this isn't what i want".
But obviously it was.
Even just considering
the idea that I might be trans was terrified.
And it took a long time of me knowing, that I was trans,
like I knew, took a long time of me like denying that to myself
before I even spoke to anybody else about it.
It was just like such a thing of shame.
Oh my God this got deep.
It was just like horrifying,
it was like my whole world was like falling apart,
because this whole new concept had been introduced to me
and I was like: "Oh my God,
if I knew this 10 years ago, be completely different".
But I already had like an established role in life,
I was like this girl, who did this thing
and she enjoyed this.
She was known as this.
I wasn't happy at all, I was very depressed,
because of trans reasons and a lot, A LOT of other reasons.
But, you know I was used to my role
and then suddenly this idea came up, that maybe
I would be happier and another one
and it just screwed in my head.
Screwed with my head.
It was a lot, I could talk about this for hours.
But I don't have time for that,
so that's the end of this trans Q&A.
Thank you to DELL for sponsoring it.
But yeah, if you have any other like interesting trans related questions,
that aren't just like: "Oh my God, do you feel your nipples?"
then leave them below and maybe I'll consider making this like
a two monthly thing.
I don't know why I came up with that,
that's probably not true.
Yeah, comment down below, let me know how you're feeling.
But yeah, have a good day or don't.
See you later losers.
Goodbye.
Give you a punch and a hug.
I'm sweaty, I'm so sorry.