hello folks welcome to 20/20 what year
is it I can't tell this is the story of
how I spent the last four days of the
decade I was very sick at the beginning
of this video and on my period and it
was like a chunky period at that so
please excuse my complete lack of energy
at the beginning but I wanted to take
you guys along on the journey as I get
organized I started planning and I get
creatively inspired for the new year I
always just really enjoyed the New Year
spirit as you can tell by this [ __ ]
ridiculous thing it's all around my
favourite holiday you get to drink you
get to wear sparkly things you get to
work on proving yourself and most
importantly you get an excuse to kiss
somebody anyways I hope that you guys
enjoy this is kind of a new format that
I haven't done before hence this
probably unnecessary intro so without
further ado here is my New Year's video
but is this gonna work as a transition
hello welcome to my video today I but
today I am on about day six of what has
got to be the longest lasting slew /
cold super combo I have ever experienced
it's three days before the new year and
it's my theory that my body's just
trying to like purge out all of 2019 and
like get rid of all this [ __ ] before
2020 starts so I can have a clean break
although probably in reality it's just
my immune system shutting down after I
pulled like three all-nighters to edit
my room makeover my body does this every
so often when I like overworked myself a
little too hard my body just vibe checks
me and is like no no no
[Music]
so first on my new year's agenda was
resting up and getting some creative
inspiration which is just a really
pretentious way of describing Netflix
and chilling for an entire day for
although I am constantly trying to teach
myself that is okay to take time off I
think we all feel this social obligation
to look busy all the [ __ ] time when
in reality our brains all need some Bush
time to feel refreshed and honestly I
feel like some of my best ideas come out
from the times where I'm like in the
shower laying in bed watching a movie
not thinking about anything in
particular here's my guide to the
ultimate Netflix and chill setup we've
got some snacks of course I always need
something to eat because I have like a
slight world fixation so I just like
want something to do with my mouth while
I watch Netflix and unfortunately you
girl does not want to get any boys
infected right now I have some lemon
ginger tea also for by sore throat which
I'm not making any better by talking to
the camera but you do what you got to do
I have a pillow stack optimized for
lumbar support I have my laptop of
course equipped with a charger so that I
don't run out of battery and my ex's HBO
password from his coworker from life
four years ago got up to Jeffrey thank
you for not kicking me off your account
yet and letting me watch Game of Thrones
for free
and last but not least I have my
weighted blanket I started using
weighted blankets like three years ago
when I was in a long-distance
relationship and also like a very lonely
my sophomore year of college so
overweighted like it was like the
closest thing that I had to imitating
human contact which was a little bit of
a yeah that was just like kind of a
depressing part in my life but I don't
talk about that much anyways I'm gonna
watch some movies now
so here is a very quick review of
everything I watched first off John
Blaney and the sack lunch bunch you can
go very far in life you pretend to know
what you're doing a lot of people who
take a drive that way
name names I would take a Lego to the
foot John Mulaney he is literally so
precious and I love how his comedy is
dark but endearing and edgy without
being like racist or sexist which
believe it or not white male comedians
it actually is possible
next I rewatched la-la-land for like the
fourth time this movie is 100% Hollywood
jerking off Hollywood but I watch it
whenever I want to get reflective about
my film school days it's weird
and to my shame I did watch all of you
season 2 this show is pure unadulterated
soap opera trash but it is like my
favorite type of trash I don't know it's
just like pure entertainment and
sometimes you just want to watch
something fun
I always forget this but every time I
watch movies I really do get this like
burst of inspiration so much so that I
actually cracked open my old college
screen play that night for the first
time since I graduated college so yeah
we'll see where that takes me if nothing
else I could just use some practice
writing housewives yes you do Wow
I love my husband and my kids and
cleaning things
so the next day I hold my still very
sniffly ass out of bed to deep clean my
apartment now as any of my college
roommates could tell you I am NOT a
particularly clean person by nature and
it is not because I don't want to be
it's because I get like so deep into
editing that I just completely neglect
all other household responsibilities but
I am slowly learning that my physical
space absolutely affects my mindset and
having a messy apartment
subconsciously adds this extra layer of
stress which I really don't need so I
made sure everything was in its place or
than a year okay is it just me or is
this part of your sink just impossible
to keep clean I swear you clean this
like every week and every week its
disgusting
all over again
[Music]
so something that is equally if not more
important than clearing out my physical
space is clearing out my digital space
so as you guys can probably guess I
accrue a lot of data between videos
photos all the foot-fetish porn I have
saved on my computer that was a joke
don't save porn kids just stream it I
feel like oftentimes people don't think
of digital clutter as real clutter
because it is you know contained within
your computer but I think that digital
clutter and having all these files and
photos that you never actually use can
be just as distracting in kind of your
digital workspace as physical clutter in
your physical workspace that makes sense
so here I'm sorting through all of my
files in My Documents folder on my
desktop in my Final Cut Pro library and
in the deep dark abyss of my downloads
folder which is very full of like songs
and various means that I download for
videos and also foot-fetish port okay no
I'm not gonna make that joke again
anything I absolutely don't need is
going in the trash and anything I might
want to reference over the next few
years
aka like most of my vlog footage and
bigger video projects goes on an
external hard drive I'm using a samsung
solid-state drive which is a bit of a
tongue twister this is the only external
drive I found that doesn't like
spontaneously corrupt every six months
it is expensive but it is very reliable
and there we go a nice fresh desktop for
the new year next it was time to clear
out some space on my phone which was
getting a little bit fro as well this is
actually the first time I've managed to
avoid dropping my phone in the toilet
long enough to actually fill up the
storage so we love character development
the vast majority of my story just taken
up by photos so I'm just going through
those and deleting anything that's like
a duplicate which is kind of most of my
photos I think this has to be the
craziest pic I took in 2019 this is
awful okay actually just kidding I have
to keep that up it's too ridiculous I
used to get really interested in that
photos of myself because I just got
scared doing something that's
irreversible but I think the more I have
grown up the more I realized that the
things that actually matter are not me
having
500 selfies of myself in the same
[ __ ] boat the ones that really matter
are once with my friends or even you
know random photos like this where I
bought a plant and I put a little seat
belt around it I don't know stuff like
that that actually means something other
than just here's me trying to look
pretty really really hard oh hey I
didn't see you there yes I am wearing my
New Year's stuff cuz I bought it for a
video a couple weeks ago and I spent
like 50 bucks on it and I want to get my
money's worth so for my final step of
New Year's preparations I'm going to
plan out my bullet journal now I started
bullet journaling a couple months ago
and I actually have really been loving
it
not to sound like a basic [ __ ] but I
have used a lot of different planner
methods in my life I've tried fashion
planners I tried to do lists I've tried
sticky notes
I've tried hourly planners and for some
reasons this is just the planning method
that sticks with me the most so I
thought I would walk you guys through my
bullet journal setup I have changed a
couple of things since I originally set
up my bullet journal a couple months ago
as I've kind of been figuring out what
works for me so a couple months ago I
already went ahead and made a yearly
calendar page which it turns out I
[ __ ] up because I forgot that 2020 is
a leap year so all of my dates past
February are wrong but that is an issue
for March Ashley to figure out on the
other side I have a year in videos page
which has a line for every Thursday of
the year so I could plan out what videos
I'm making next and I figured it would
be really satisfying at the end of the
year to look back at all of the work
that I've done alrighty let's get
started on 2020 on the first page I
wrote down some reminders for what I
want to prioritize this year now of
course I have some more tangible career
goals but here I wanted to focus on my
mindset and mental health stuff because
I feel like that's really what I
struggle with the most and what I
actually need a reminder of so here are
I suppose my 2020 resolutions stop
giving so many shits about what people
think I feel like if I'm not careful I
will just like run my life in fear of
other people not liking me and that is
like no way to exist because he really
can't please everybody so you might as
well just do whatever the [ __ ] you want
put your health and happiness first not
in like an aggressively selfish way but
in like a I want
take better care of myself way make time
for projects that matter sometimes I
feel like I'm running on this hamster
wheel with week to week videos and
meaningful work takes way more than a
week feel genuinely confident again I
feel like my confidence peak senior year
of high school and ever since I've just
been having one fad identity crisis make
New York feel like home I think that
comes in terms of getting to know the
city but also having a little family of
friends that feels like home there and
put yourself out there socially I
definitely have a tendency to isolate
myself because I get scared that people
won't like me as much as I like them but
this year I'm gonna try to get over that
on the opposite page I left space for my
favorite memories of the year sometimes
it like really freaks me out how little
of my life I actually remember so here I
wanted space for just like a phrase or
sentence that reminds me of some of the
sweet little memories that I have this
year next I'm writing out a monthly
calendar now most people I think make
there's twice as big as mine and they
take up two pages but I like to keep
mine small because it's easier to draw
and I don't have like a whole lot of
monthly deadlines or travel so I don't
really need that much space anyway
underneath I have a small section for
monthly goals and projects in my case
these are mostly longer-term videos that
will take a couple weeks to edit the
next page I'm going horizontal for my
monthly trackers I label a y-axis from 1
to 31 for the days of the month
and the x-axis 1 through 10 where I will
plot my hours of sleep my mood and my
level of anxiety I've been doing a mood
tracker for two months now and I feel
like it's been helpful in reflecting on
like what actually makes me happy and
what makes me anxious and sometimes it
hasn't been exactly what I expect like
often times me sitting down and laying
for an entire day actually makes me
quite happy even though it sounds like
it wouldn't make me happy and I've also
noticed that this days when I'm hanging
out with close friends or like my talk
days those are always my favorite days
of the month and below that I have a
spending tracker since I like to keep
myself accountable for the money that I
spend and it's been encouraging me to
save like 5 to 10 dollars on a
day-to-day basis which can really add up
alright my final type of page is my
daily page which I kind of haven't
unique format but it works really well
for me so on the top left I write out
top castes and then leave space for the
five most important tests of the
I often expect myself to do like 600
things in one day and then get
disappointed when I can't do all 600 so
this is my reminder that like
realistically I can get 5 things done in
a day
below that I have a pending section for
errands and lower priority tasks and
then on the right I have a schedule that
goes from 7 a.m. to 10 p.m. where I can
write out meanings or calls or deadlines
and stuff like that so here I am just
continuing filling out my daily pages
until my hand is about ready to give out
after I finish all my daily pages I'm
going back and bookmarking the start of
my month with a bit of washi tape so
that I can reference it easily and here
is the final flip room even though
bullet journaling looks really tedious
something about it like awakens the
middle schooler in me and I just get
like really excited to fill out my pages
and get organized and make everything
look cute so with all my planning and
preparation out of the way all that's
left to do is celebrate him am I still a
little bit sick yes he's my immune
system definitely not going to benefit
by drinking alcohol this evening also
yes am I gonna get blasted anyways
save with me folks yes she is thank you
for enabling my terrible life decisions
one view at a time I was considering
staying in tonight but I literally have
not had human contact and I think like a
week and a half and I am going [ __ ]
crazy
I spent Christmas alone and I spent
Thanksgiving alone so you know we're
going one for three year baby anyways
you might be able to tell my face is a
little bit puffy right now and just like
full of a lot more acne than usual which
I will not apologize for because 20 20
is the year of not apologizing for how I
look anyways my face looks like this
because I have myself a good old New
Year's cry last night and this may be
sound like depressing to people but
genuinely like sometimes I think my body
just like builds up sadness and like
anger so every six months or so I'll get
real nostalgic and start going through
my camera roll and watching old videos
and like listening to sad songs that I
listen to in middle school when I was
like an emo 13 year old I will just like
cry and throw myself like the biggest
party ever which I don't know maybe that
sounds pathetic but um I don't know if
you guys share this same perspective but
like I don't view crying as something
that's bad I view crying is something
that like you need to cleanse it out of
your system every so often I sound so
[ __ ] crazy right now something
about last night - like I was on my
period I'm moving out of this apartment
soon I was getting really really
reflective about the entire year I feel
like I had a lot of pent-up sadness from
this year and now it's all out of my
system and I'm feeling feel a lot better
about myself god I sound so insane like
sometimes I think about the fact that I
feel like day to day we go about our
lives with such like a narrow range of
feelings and thoughts that we can
actually express to other people this is
gonna sound like so Fight Club but you
know like if you're working in a
professional environment talking to your
family or your friends
I feel like deep down people are like
angry and sad and [ __ ] horny just
like all the time but we don't get a
chance to express to anybody because
then I think like Society would slowly
crumble occasionally it's just like good
to get your [ __ ] like a doubt and to
just be like yeah maybe what I'm saying
is I do need to start a Fight Club
that's my Tyrion I feel like if you let
that stuff simmer for too long you'll
just like implode so it's better to get
it out in like small kind of depressing
doses I would rather have an existential
crisis every single year then have one
big one when I'm 45 and I suddenly hate
my husband and my kids and everything my
life has come to so honestly I'm not
doing too bad um I have had a lot of
time by myself to reflect and to think
about the year that's going past and how
I want this next year to be different
and this next decade to be different in
retrospect I think 2019 has been a big
year in terms of hitting milestones for
me I graduated college I hit a million
subscribers I hit two million
subscribers and those are all milestones
that since I was a kid well maybe not
the YouTube milestones but the kind of
career college milestones are the ones
that I have dreamt of achieving ever
since I was a little kid I really am
proud of myself for everything I've been
able to achieve up until this point and
I want to thank you guys for helping you
along this journey as well or not even
helping you guys [ __ ] make this
journey for me I always thought that
those milestones would define who I was
and I always thought those milestones
would be the thing that made me happy
and once I had them then I would just
like achieved Nirvana I don't know there
wouldn't be any other problem in my life
once I had my own apartment and once I
had a job and once I had moved out from
my parents and oh honey that was not
true
I also think that I procrastinated doing
a lot of the work on myself in terms of
like my own happiness and mental
stability and just like being a good
person because I have just been so
one-sided in terms of my own
quote/unquote success this is like
literally the most like a motivational
cat poster thing I could ever say but in
2020 I really want to learn how to love
myself and I think in the past might
love for myself has been very
conditional it's dependent on my grades
or my achievements what college I got
into or how many subscribers I had or
what views I was hitting and I feel like
I have been beating myself up literally
like my entire life and I just want to
stop making my life so [ __ ] hard for
myself and I really just like want to
let it all go and just be [ __ ] happy
with myself which is a harder task than
it sounds but um we'll see bye [ __ ] I'm
not gonna miss you here's my outfit now
let's go make 2020 our little [ __ ] I'll
see you guys next time bye
or next decade should I say uh-huh
nobody started that joke before half it
could be New Year's guys bye
[Applause]